Bar Fight
© 2020 by Walter Reimer


Thumbnail art by  thetiedtigress
(Bogart D. Roach courtesy of  marmelmm. Thanks!)


A fountain of superheated steamed milk gushed at Meredith as the barista screamed, "Triple black mocha with three sugar cubes, a drop of honey, foam picture of a kitten!?" and pulled out a mallet that, in reality, should have weighed several tons.

After her character's last encounter with the clowns, Meredith was certain that it did weigh that much, at least on impact.

Varan gestured, and a counterwave of mana deflected the stream of hot milk, letting it strike a knot of diners who had been chanting. They stopped and, as one, looked at a fat, red-eyed lion seated alone in a back corner.

The man at the back said, “Everyone . . . attack.”

And, like lightning, everyone in the inn began fighting.

Things in the room seemed to shift. Bogart’s clothes suddenly changed into dark trousers, a black coat and a round black hat. He produced a pad and a pencil and started shouting in a strange accent, “Five ta one I’m offerin’ on th’ newcomers! Five ta one!” He was immediately surrounded by a dozen people clamoring for a piece of the action.

Meredith parried the barista’s hammer and struck the squat canine on the side with the flat of her sword. Someone laughed, and the enraged barista promptly drove the customer into the floor like a nail into a board. The canine then resumed her attack on the golden palomino mare.

Claptrap, the Robust Goon, stood in the center of the dining room still wearing his frilly apron and shouting in a harsh voice, “Everybody give me some FIGHTING ROOM!” despite the fact that no one was going near him. A thrown tankard struck him on the side of his head and the green-skinned bull whined, “Ooh! Not so ROUGH, ya silly!”

Varan’s tail swatted one combatant aside as she used a spell to repel three others. One of them must have had a chaos charm on them, as the spell struck a table that was suddenly stacked high with pies and cakes.

The customers looked at the pies, and looked at Varan.

The vir found herself splattered with confectionery before she could respond to the sheer oddity of the attack. Pies and cream-filled cakes filled the air, joining thrown chairs, tankards, bottles and characters.

“Ooh, I’ll HARM YOU!” Claptrap roared, hooking one of his horns under one of the customers, a black and brown-furred canine, and sending him flying to the ceiling. The canine’s head became stuck in the ceiling, leaving the rest of him dangling.

“Not again,” the canine was heard to mutter. “Why me . . . oh, hello, ladies . . . “

The vir and the mare ended up back to back. “I’m starting to get tired,” Meredith panted, “and why do you smell of brandy?”

“Pie to the face,” Varan said. “Blinded me for a moment. I’m getting tired as well; shall I cast Sleep?”

“Let me stay behind you.” Varan felt her lover press up against her back. “Okay, let it go.”

The spell spread throughout the room, customers dropping in their tracks. Even Claptrap mumbled “Nighty-night,” swayed, and toppled to the floor. The only characters unaffected were those who were hiding beside the one with the chaos charm; the spell turned them into fluffy white rabbits.

The barista just looked angrier.

“REMEMBER TO LEAVE A TIP!” she shouted, and the half-dozen rabbits opened their mouths to display rows of razor-sharp teeth.

“I think – “ Varan said.

“- We should run,” Meredith said.

The two of them ran for the entrance, slamming the door in the rabbits’ faces.

Bogart was waiting for them on the porch. “Ye won twenty silver, ye did,” and the roach gave Varan a small pouch of coins. “Saints presairve us, ‘twas a foine fight.” He tipped his hat to the pair, and walked away.

Meredith brushed her mane out of her eyes and gave Varan a weary smile. “You’re covered in pie filling.”

The vir chuckled. “Give me a moment to rest, and I’ll clean us both up. We could go to the arena and watch a fight, rather than be in one.”

“Good idea. We’ll also save this; I don’t want to go through it again.”

“You do know, lir demef, that this game is getting sillier.”

Meredith chuckled. “I noticed. Deus only knows what we’ll find at the top level.”

After saving and getting cleaned up, the mare and the vir headed across the town square to the arena. A sign beside the entrance proclaimed that Equipoise was fighting Snickelfritz. “I hope he wins,” Varan remarked. “I bet five coppers on him.”

“I thought Kashlani didn’t bet.”

“Aka, we’re not in the real world,” Varan said, “and five coppers isn’t much.” They took seats to watch the fight as the contestants entered the ring.

“Oh my,” Meredith said. Both fighters were unclothed; Equipoise was a stallion and Snickelfritz was a canine. They were of equal, and overly-muscled, size. A bell rang, and the fight was on.

It became immediately apparent that the goal of the fight was for the loser to submit sexually to the winner. In a game that contained hentai beasts, it should have been obvious.

Snickelfritz beat Equipoise rather easily, and Varan vanished as the canine began to take the losing equine. Before Meredith could react, the act was over and the vir had reappeared. “Are you all right?” the mare asked.

The vir looked a bit embarrassed. “The betting slip was a talisman.”

“What?”

“Yes. I experienced what Equipoise felt.” Varan had a wry expression on her face. “Now I know what the cockroach meant by ‘good breeding.’” They started to laugh as they left the arena. “I think we should look at the library next.”

“Why? The song said that it was bare.”

“I remember, but I want to be certain. After all, the game designers are quite mad.”

Meredith nodded. “Yes. I solved a puzzle and got turned into a stained glass window.”

“G’reget. So not much will be – “ The vir glanced up as a blinking yellow square appeared in the sky, accompanied by a musical chime.

The mare sighed. “Well, we’ve made some progress.” She waved at the square, and the game simulation paused, saving before fading away. The mare smiled at the image of her lover on her padd. “I need to get up to the Kiss Me and get things ready. We’re leaving tomorrow.”

“Understood,” Varan said. The view behind her was of her quarters on the Kith. “Be careful, my beloved.”