For those of you, who noticed me being gone for the last 2 years, I guess I owe you some explanation?

It all started in 2017, when we went to Europe with GoldenWing (a friend of mine) and Parda, my lovely mate. The journey was lots of fun, we've been to many interesting places, we've seen a lot. Munich > Barselona > Berlin. That was amazing.

The Berlin part of the journey was mostly about EuroFur. Looking back, I can say my expectations were quite naive and childish. It feels funny now, but it wasn't back then. I felt really lonely. Yes, I met lots of interesting people there:   Kashjew ,   Chapiduh and her friends,   JeanWoof and others. I had a few words with   Caraid , I made a quick sketch for   Shinigamigirl . I had an honor of sitting and drawing next to   Scale , one of the best artists of the community. Unfortunately these were just short moments of joy, they didn't change the overall feeling of sitting alone and sketching something, while nobody around is interested. Nobody recognised the badge. You can call me an attention whore, but I left the con disappointed.

Back home, back to study, work and sport... And another quarrel with my girlfriend. We never lived soul to soul, and we were quite different, yet we were together because of lack of alternatives and lots of freedom we gave to each other. We often got separate and back together, but this time it was different. She was gone looking for a better life, and I could only wish her good luck. Though it left a lot of emptiness in my heart.

I tried to go back to drawings, but it didn't work. I had few paid arts, and I knew I had to finish them before moving forward and I just... couldn't. I could spend an entire day trying to draw something without result. No progress at all.

I belive this was the moment I got broken. I finally understood that I couldn't handle all the things that I had to do. I didn't have sketches and WiPs for Patreon, I didn't have time nor motivation to make speedpaint videos, I didn't have any progress on the paid arts. I was living by inertia, trying to clear this mess.

And when I realised I couldn't handle everything, I just quit. I tried to work on something else - university projects, doing stuff with my hands, construction (ah, my lovely summer house!)... I wanted to feel alive once again.

I met a new girl. She was lovely and really smart, despite her young age. We had some time together, but then my ex came back. And this is where I made a mistake: I chose her, again. Not for long though - it was just a question of time before another quarrel, this time it was the final one. I know it's all about me being an egoist jerk. Now I have 2 girls hating me.

And, in addition, I've got some health issues. I admit it may be a result of a nervous overstrain, but the outcome is just the same. The problem is my spine got loose enough to squeeze nerves coming out of it. It causes pain and some internal organ failuers. Insignificant for now, but I'm not sure it'll get better in 10 years. Anyway, I had a wonderful 2 months of waking up because of pain in the back, and being sleepless doesn't feel great. You know, back in the school days I was laughing at the guy who always kept his posture straight and walked like a goose. I don't laugh anymore. The doctors say the problem can be solved/postponed by intensive gym training, but it requires time and money. As usual.

There are people who I'd like to mention.
  Goldenwing177 - a friend I could only wish for. I don't know how you tolerate me so far, but I'm greatful for it.
Parda, my lovely. I wish you to find the peace and happiness I couldn't give. I will no longer poison you with my toxic relationship.
Also, I want to thank everybody who cared. The ones who sent notes and asked questions. Thanks for your efforts, guys!

I guess that is all... I'm back here again. I have a paid art that I didn't even start working on. Once again lonely and single. To be honest, I feel like my entire life is just a series of mistakes I made. But there is also a little difference - it looks like I don't care anymore. And, surprisingly, it gives me strength to move on.

I guess I just had to say everything above. I don't need your sorry nor hugs, I'm not that type of a person. Funny thing is: I know a horse of just the same temper. A chestnut gelding, he doesn't like hugs, he won't let you pet him and he will clack his teeth at you when you enter the stall. But, if you look closer, he's very smart and lovely.

Anyway, it feels great to be back.

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Now, the plans!
Right now my main concern is exam which will happen in about a week. Otherwise it looks like I'll have some free time till February and I'm gonna use it as much as I can. Speaking for the future - since I can draw once again, I also should get back to making money from it. After all, the salaries around aren't that high.

Thus, second. Patreon. This is where I need your advice. I should get back to Patreon somehow. I'm quite surprised there are some subscribers left after 2 years without me. To be honest, Patreon was always a hard thing for me, because I don't draw that much, and I don't have lots of materials for the patrons. And actually I hate the paywall concept. What would you do in my place? The only way I see it right now is "patreon gets everything first wips" for minimal pledges. Any suggestions here? What bonus content is ok and what it's worth of?

By the way, a question for Russian artists here (if there are any reading these): any tips/ways of safe and (mostly) legal withdrawal of money? I've been using Paypal > Bank schneme, but I'm pretty sure our government will screw this up one day.

Third. The content. If you've been following me long enough you know I'm not a Pinky-Pie type of a character. So, there will be more personal content, which is dark, depressive, with all the blood and acid leaking. Just like this pic above. It's ok. It's all just Grey.

Speaking of the schedule - right now there's only one position left - an art for Kashjew. We'll see if there will be more YCHs after that. I'll make an announcement in a week or two. Or three... I always had problems with timing.

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If you have any questions/suggestions or comments, feel free to use the comments section below.