File type: Text File (.txt) [Download]
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๏ปฟ
In a typically sunny and bright corner of California there is a zoo. Like many zoos it has a wide variety of birds and animals. I'm your narrator and I'm going to tell you the story of one of these animals.
I could tell you the story of the lions, who never got the chance to hunt like lions are meant to... but that would just be the story of a group of bored big cats who saw their keeper (who kept them entertained as best she could with the limited resources available) as their psychological and emotional lifeline from going completely mad with tedium.
Or I could tell you the story of the elephants, who still remembered the old songs of their ancestors and passed them down from one generation of captive calves to the next; deep, rumbling affairs meant to travel over much bigger distances than the elephants had access to in their little round enclosure. Somewhere along the line they had forgotten to pass on to their calves the fact that wide, wild spaces like the Savannah existed, so as a group they no longer fully understood exactly why being able to sing across huge distances might be helpful.
And don't even get me started on the polar bears. They were clever enough to outsmart seals but never had anything more taxing to do than sit in an enclosure looking cute for humans... you know what? I didn't want to get started. Okay. Okay, I'm done with that.
No, all of those animals were in a human-imposed dead-end. Neither their bodies nor their minds had very much of anywhere to go. The story I want to share with you is about a flamingo.
At first glance, the flamingos were in just the same metaphorical boat as every other creature in the zoo: trapped physically in a large, open-topped enclosure, and mentally by the lack of vision that one would expect of any living thing born in captivity. So, I hear you ask, where's the story?
The story, my friend, is of the hitherto unrealised potential of one particular flamingo, named Pinion.
Oh, by the way. Did you notice that I said the flamingo enclosure was open-topped? Yes, that's relevant to the plot, and we can see why if we zoom in on this story.
It was a typically glorious late afternoon. The tourists had all gone for the day and that gave the zookeepers the time to catch up on some ad hoc animal care. For the birds, this meant regular wing-trimming to render them flightless. The zoo had designed all of the cages based on the same core layout which was originally based on designs appropriate for land-bound animals, and for some reason lost to the annals of substandard logistics, administration, or perhaps the Friday afternoon musings of a zoo director who just wanted to knock off for the day, it was deemed that rather than putting a roof or a net over the bird enclosures, they could have animal enclosures and just be trimmed of their primary feathers on a regular basis.
Pinion watched as the flock's regular keeper and a second human worked together to wrestle a long, flat object, hinged at its half-way point like a flamingo's leg, through the flamingo enclosure's gate. It recognised the regular keeper but not the other one.
"Who's that?" Pinion half-whispered to Web.
"Don't know," came a reply that was warily dismissive either of Pinion, or of the unfamiliar human and their strange offering.
Pinion took this opportunity to pretend to itself that Web was wary of the unfamiliar human and not of it.
Quill dipped its head in between the two young flamingos. "This is a wing-trimming," it told them.
Pinion looked at Quill, unsure of how it felt about that. Quill was an older member of the flock and had seen most of the things that happened in and around the cage. Why had it never mentioned anything like this before? "What's wing-trimming?" Pinion asked.
"Don't you remember? Maybe you were too young. The feathers of our wings grow big so they cut them."
Pinion half-opened one of its wings and examined it, turning it to better see its pale pink surface. "Why?"
"We don't know," Quill said.
"Maybe they're afraid we can fly?" Web asked.
Quill shrugged. "Maybe they fear it, but no flamingo in this flock has ever flown, and I don't believe flamingos can fly."
Pinion tilted its head at this. The logic didn't quite seem to make sense.
That prompted Quill to explain further, although Pinion could tell that its patience for Pinion was running out. "Look at the sparrows and crows." It stepped to one side and nodded towards the sprawling human-feeding station beyond the flamingos' cage. Sure enough there were wild birds there, pecking at the morsels the human crowds had left behind. "They don't look like us. Their necks and legs are short. They're made for flying. I believe that we are not for our necks and legs are too long, and that if we fly we will hurt ourselves." Then, giving Pinion only the most cursory of nods goodbye, Quill wandered away, its breastbone pushing against the flanks of other members of the flock in its eagerness to get away.
Pinion's thoughts were interrupted as the two humans cooperated to open their object - which Pinion now identified as a low segment of fence - and use it to trap the flock.
The birds backed up, wheezing and honking with anxiety.
"The keepers do it for our own good." Langoustine's authoritative voice caught Pinion's attention. It turned its head to look at the flock's leader.
The flamingo leader's expression was as vaguely disapproving as ever, and once again Pinion was loathe to test it too much. Langoustine wasn't prone to violence, not like the bald-headed storks in the next cage along, but something about its manner had always told Pinion not to push its luck.
But again, Pinion couldn't quite accept this line of reasoning. It felt incomplete or wrong somehow. Pinion was still holding Langoustine's gaze and trying to put a name to its sense of dissatisfaction when the leader took a decisive step towards the low fence.
The nearest human picked Langoustine up and lifted it over the fence, The leader barely struggled, instead tucking its head in close and bending its legs, its webbed feet dangling almost as if it felt relaxed. The human changed its grip on Langoustine and opened up one of the leader's wings.
"Is our leader going to be-?" Pinion started to ask, turning its wide, alarmed eyes towards Web.
But Web was already gone and Pinion had to stretch its neck up high to look for its hatching-mate. It spotted Web several steps away, looking in a completely different direction as if avoiding the risk of meeting Pinion's eye.
Caught between anxiety for the present situation and resignation over Web's eagerness to escape, Pinion uneasily settled down to observe the rest of the wing-trimming.
The second human had a complex-looking object in its grip. Its claws were linked through two holes in the object and that allowed it to make it change shape from a shining grey X to long and tapered. The human put this strange contraption against Langoustine's wing so that the bottom primary feather sat nestled within the X, then it used the two holes to close the object and three of Langoustine's feathers fell to the ground.
Pinion was shocked. It waddled to the front of the flock to take a closer look.
Feathers, cut in half. Why did that seem so sacrilegious to Pinion? Flamingos couldn't fly; both Quill and Langoustine had said so. Pinion tried to remind itself of the elders' reasoning: the humans were protecting them from hurting themselves. This was an act of kindness and care on the part of the humans. And yet, another look of those cut feathers - and more of them fell with every snip of the contraption - broke Pinion's heart.
It turned and pushed its way through the flock, its breast parting its flock-mates in its hurry to escape the scene, its legs allowing it to take long strides.
Pinion reached the back of the flock and found that they truly were backed into a corner. It loitered beside the weeping willow trunk and tried to avoid the disapproving or wry glances of the older birds, unsure of what else it could do. From that safe distance Pinion watched the final moments of Langoustine's trimming.
The humans had nearly finished Langoustine's other wing. With a final cut, the human holding Langoustine put the flamingo leader on the ground, on the far side of the fence. Langoustine ran a few steps away into the pond, and turned to watch the rest of the flock.
Their eyes met across that distance but Langoustine's expression was indifferent, not reassuring, and it turned its head to look at some other member of the flock.
Pebble was the next to be picked out of the group, and like Langoustine before it, assumed a passive, curled-and-bent position. Its primary feathers were cut two or three at a time, one wing and then the other, and then it was released to join Langoustine, who already stood one-legged in the pond as if all of this was nothing but a casual routine.
And so the ritual continued. Bird after bird was taken from the flock, trimmed, and put down into the open section of the enclosure. The older birds took the lead until the younger ones felt brave enough to follow. Web found the experience frightening: it thrashed, kicked, and gurgled as the human held it up, but there was nothing it could do to escape and within a few breaths, its primaries were half of what they had been.
The untrimmed group got smaller, the pile of half-feathers got taller, and the humans periodically moved the fence section to reduce the available space for the untrimmed. Pinion backed up each time until there was nowhere left for it to go.
Finally, Pinion was the only untrimmed flamingo left.
What had Pinion been hoping for? To be able to escape this fate by letting the others go first? It felt that being trimmed was so wrong and it desperately wished to stand its ground. And yet, when it looked pleadingly at the rest of its flock, every pair of red eyes that looked back at it implored it, either through anxiety or boredom, to let the humans do what they would.
It stood to reason. No flamingo liked to have a keeper in the cage, and it seemed that the sooner all the flamingos were trimmed, the sooner these two would leave, taking their strange contraptions with them.
Pinion made one final attempt to think of a way out of the trap, but had no choice but to give up.
The two humans pushed the low fence closer and bent it at its hinge so that it opened no more than a bird's beak holding a stone, and cornered Pinion behind the willow tree. Then they picked it up, pulled its wings out with a ruthless sense of routine, and cut the feathers from each one. Pinion honked furiously at them and kicked, trying to reach them so that it could rake at them with its claws, but nothing put them off. When they finally released it, Pinion felt shaken, abused, and full of rage.
It wanted the two humans to die. It wanted Langoustine, Quill, Pebble, and all the other elders to die too, for failing to protect the younger flamingos. In that moment it even wanted the other young flamingos to die for letting this happen to them without a fight.
It trembled with fury at its powerlessness and decided that right here, right now, it would make a choice.
What do you want Pinion to do? If you want it to:
- Try to fly?
- Talk with Langoustine?
- Or show the tourists what the keepers have done?
-----------------------------------------
๏ปฟ
Pinion's Wings Get Trimmed
In a typically sunny and bright corner of California there is a zoo. Like many zoos it has a wide variety of birds and animals. I'm your narrator and I'm going to tell you the story of one of these animals.
I could tell you the story of the lions, who never got the chance to hunt like lions are meant to... but that would just be the story of a group of bored big cats who saw their keeper (who kept them entertained as best she could with the limited resources available) as their psychological and emotional lifeline from going completely mad with tedium.
Or I could tell you the story of the elephants, who still remembered the old songs of their ancestors and passed them down from one generation of captive calves to the next; deep, rumbling affairs meant to travel over much bigger distances than the elephants had access to in their little round enclosure. Somewhere along the line they had forgotten to pass on to their calves the fact that wide, wild spaces like the Savannah existed, so as a group they no longer fully understood exactly why being able to sing across huge distances might be helpful.
And don't even get me started on the polar bears. They were clever enough to outsmart seals but never had anything more taxing to do than sit in an enclosure looking cute for humans... you know what? I didn't want to get started. Okay. Okay, I'm done with that.
No, all of those animals were in a human-imposed dead-end. Neither their bodies nor their minds had very much of anywhere to go. The story I want to share with you is about a flamingo.
๐ฆฉ
At first glance, the flamingos were in just the same metaphorical boat as every other creature in the zoo: trapped physically in a large, open-topped enclosure, and mentally by the lack of vision that one would expect of any living thing born in captivity. So, I hear you ask, where's the story?
The story, my friend, is of the hitherto unrealised potential of one particular flamingo, named Pinion.
Oh, by the way. Did you notice that I said the flamingo enclosure was open-topped? Yes, that's relevant to the plot, and we can see why if we zoom in on this story.
It was a typically glorious late afternoon. The tourists had all gone for the day and that gave the zookeepers the time to catch up on some ad hoc animal care. For the birds, this meant regular wing-trimming to render them flightless. The zoo had designed all of the cages based on the same core layout which was originally based on designs appropriate for land-bound animals, and for some reason lost to the annals of substandard logistics, administration, or perhaps the Friday afternoon musings of a zoo director who just wanted to knock off for the day, it was deemed that rather than putting a roof or a net over the bird enclosures, they could have animal enclosures and just be trimmed of their primary feathers on a regular basis.
Pinion watched as the flock's regular keeper and a second human worked together to wrestle a long, flat object, hinged at its half-way point like a flamingo's leg, through the flamingo enclosure's gate. It recognised the regular keeper but not the other one.
"Who's that?" Pinion half-whispered to Web.
"Don't know," came a reply that was warily dismissive either of Pinion, or of the unfamiliar human and their strange offering.
Pinion took this opportunity to pretend to itself that Web was wary of the unfamiliar human and not of it.
Quill dipped its head in between the two young flamingos. "This is a wing-trimming," it told them.
Pinion looked at Quill, unsure of how it felt about that. Quill was an older member of the flock and had seen most of the things that happened in and around the cage. Why had it never mentioned anything like this before? "What's wing-trimming?" Pinion asked.
"Don't you remember? Maybe you were too young. The feathers of our wings grow big so they cut them."
Pinion half-opened one of its wings and examined it, turning it to better see its pale pink surface. "Why?"
"We don't know," Quill said.
"Maybe they're afraid we can fly?" Web asked.
Quill shrugged. "Maybe they fear it, but no flamingo in this flock has ever flown, and I don't believe flamingos can fly."
Pinion tilted its head at this. The logic didn't quite seem to make sense.
That prompted Quill to explain further, although Pinion could tell that its patience for Pinion was running out. "Look at the sparrows and crows." It stepped to one side and nodded towards the sprawling human-feeding station beyond the flamingos' cage. Sure enough there were wild birds there, pecking at the morsels the human crowds had left behind. "They don't look like us. Their necks and legs are short. They're made for flying. I believe that we are not for our necks and legs are too long, and that if we fly we will hurt ourselves." Then, giving Pinion only the most cursory of nods goodbye, Quill wandered away, its breastbone pushing against the flanks of other members of the flock in its eagerness to get away.
Pinion's thoughts were interrupted as the two humans cooperated to open their object - which Pinion now identified as a low segment of fence - and use it to trap the flock.
The birds backed up, wheezing and honking with anxiety.
"The keepers do it for our own good." Langoustine's authoritative voice caught Pinion's attention. It turned its head to look at the flock's leader.
The flamingo leader's expression was as vaguely disapproving as ever, and once again Pinion was loathe to test it too much. Langoustine wasn't prone to violence, not like the bald-headed storks in the next cage along, but something about its manner had always told Pinion not to push its luck.
But again, Pinion couldn't quite accept this line of reasoning. It felt incomplete or wrong somehow. Pinion was still holding Langoustine's gaze and trying to put a name to its sense of dissatisfaction when the leader took a decisive step towards the low fence.
The nearest human picked Langoustine up and lifted it over the fence, The leader barely struggled, instead tucking its head in close and bending its legs, its webbed feet dangling almost as if it felt relaxed. The human changed its grip on Langoustine and opened up one of the leader's wings.
"Is our leader going to be-?" Pinion started to ask, turning its wide, alarmed eyes towards Web.
But Web was already gone and Pinion had to stretch its neck up high to look for its hatching-mate. It spotted Web several steps away, looking in a completely different direction as if avoiding the risk of meeting Pinion's eye.
Caught between anxiety for the present situation and resignation over Web's eagerness to escape, Pinion uneasily settled down to observe the rest of the wing-trimming.
The second human had a complex-looking object in its grip. Its claws were linked through two holes in the object and that allowed it to make it change shape from a shining grey X to long and tapered. The human put this strange contraption against Langoustine's wing so that the bottom primary feather sat nestled within the X, then it used the two holes to close the object and three of Langoustine's feathers fell to the ground.
Pinion was shocked. It waddled to the front of the flock to take a closer look.
Feathers, cut in half. Why did that seem so sacrilegious to Pinion? Flamingos couldn't fly; both Quill and Langoustine had said so. Pinion tried to remind itself of the elders' reasoning: the humans were protecting them from hurting themselves. This was an act of kindness and care on the part of the humans. And yet, another look of those cut feathers - and more of them fell with every snip of the contraption - broke Pinion's heart.
It turned and pushed its way through the flock, its breast parting its flock-mates in its hurry to escape the scene, its legs allowing it to take long strides.
Pinion reached the back of the flock and found that they truly were backed into a corner. It loitered beside the weeping willow trunk and tried to avoid the disapproving or wry glances of the older birds, unsure of what else it could do. From that safe distance Pinion watched the final moments of Langoustine's trimming.
The humans had nearly finished Langoustine's other wing. With a final cut, the human holding Langoustine put the flamingo leader on the ground, on the far side of the fence. Langoustine ran a few steps away into the pond, and turned to watch the rest of the flock.
Their eyes met across that distance but Langoustine's expression was indifferent, not reassuring, and it turned its head to look at some other member of the flock.
Pebble was the next to be picked out of the group, and like Langoustine before it, assumed a passive, curled-and-bent position. Its primary feathers were cut two or three at a time, one wing and then the other, and then it was released to join Langoustine, who already stood one-legged in the pond as if all of this was nothing but a casual routine.
And so the ritual continued. Bird after bird was taken from the flock, trimmed, and put down into the open section of the enclosure. The older birds took the lead until the younger ones felt brave enough to follow. Web found the experience frightening: it thrashed, kicked, and gurgled as the human held it up, but there was nothing it could do to escape and within a few breaths, its primaries were half of what they had been.
The untrimmed group got smaller, the pile of half-feathers got taller, and the humans periodically moved the fence section to reduce the available space for the untrimmed. Pinion backed up each time until there was nowhere left for it to go.
Finally, Pinion was the only untrimmed flamingo left.
What had Pinion been hoping for? To be able to escape this fate by letting the others go first? It felt that being trimmed was so wrong and it desperately wished to stand its ground. And yet, when it looked pleadingly at the rest of its flock, every pair of red eyes that looked back at it implored it, either through anxiety or boredom, to let the humans do what they would.
It stood to reason. No flamingo liked to have a keeper in the cage, and it seemed that the sooner all the flamingos were trimmed, the sooner these two would leave, taking their strange contraptions with them.
Pinion made one final attempt to think of a way out of the trap, but had no choice but to give up.
The two humans pushed the low fence closer and bent it at its hinge so that it opened no more than a bird's beak holding a stone, and cornered Pinion behind the willow tree. Then they picked it up, pulled its wings out with a ruthless sense of routine, and cut the feathers from each one. Pinion honked furiously at them and kicked, trying to reach them so that it could rake at them with its claws, but nothing put them off. When they finally released it, Pinion felt shaken, abused, and full of rage.
It wanted the two humans to die. It wanted Langoustine, Quill, Pebble, and all the other elders to die too, for failing to protect the younger flamingos. In that moment it even wanted the other young flamingos to die for letting this happen to them without a fight.
It trembled with fury at its powerlessness and decided that right here, right now, it would make a choice.
What do you want Pinion to do? If you want it to:
- Try to fly?
- Talk with Langoustine?
- Or show the tourists what the keepers have done?
Four Flamingos of the Apocalypse | Pinion's Story
The end of the world is at hand and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse stride forth. Unfortunately, due to a celestial mishap, the Horsemen have all incarnated as non-anthro flamingos.
Follow Pinion - Death itself in flamingo form - as it identifies its life's purpose. It's going to need your help: not only did it hatch a long way away from the other Horsemen, but it's also trapped in a zoo.
โ
Story โ
Your Options
โญโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโฎ
โ
Try to Fly โ
Talk with Langoustine โ
Show the Tourists โ
Start from the beginning โ
โฐโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโโฏ
Want to follow the Youtube version of this story? Start here.
Credits
Pinion and The Four Flamingos of the Apocalypse story ยฉ thecharacterconsultancy
Artwork ยฉ John Fell
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Category Story / Animal related (non-anthro)
Species Flamingo
Gender Any
Size 120 x 120px
File Size 11.3 kB
Listed in Folders
Here's the finished first segment of my first ever Choose Your Own Adventure! What does everyone think? I've got a few questions to ask, including:
- What you think of the narrative voice. Do you like the fourth wall breakage or does it take you out of the story?
- What you think of the fact that I called all of the flamingos "it" rather than he or she. Would you prefer that I assign sexes to them?
- Whether you prefer there to just be choices or wheter you prefer the extra involvement of having to roll dice, keep notes of items kept, etc.
- Would you prefer to see this in written form (like it is here) or in video format?
- Are you having any accessibility issues with the format? If so, what?
- How important do you feel imagery is with this? ie., would you prefer more artwork, artwork in a different style, different characters depicted, scenery, etc.?
- Anything else about your impressions for this story or format.
Thanks!
- What you think of the narrative voice. Do you like the fourth wall breakage or does it take you out of the story?
- What you think of the fact that I called all of the flamingos "it" rather than he or she. Would you prefer that I assign sexes to them?
- Whether you prefer there to just be choices or wheter you prefer the extra involvement of having to roll dice, keep notes of items kept, etc.
- Would you prefer to see this in written form (like it is here) or in video format?
- Are you having any accessibility issues with the format? If so, what?
- How important do you feel imagery is with this? ie., would you prefer more artwork, artwork in a different style, different characters depicted, scenery, etc.?
- Anything else about your impressions for this story or format.
Thanks!
I really liked this :>
I love the concept of the Horsemen reincarnating as flamingoes, it's intriguing!
As for comments regarding writing style,The fourth wall breakage makes for a more... Interactive tone? Which I find is good. It makes me want to read more. As for pronouns, considering Death goes by "it", for consistency's sake the rest going by "it" is a good choice.
Choices alone are enough, and I like the format as it is. So far, I don't think lack of imagery is an issue.
I'm not very confident in my critique skills, so I don't have anything of substance constructive critique wise >w<
I love the concept of the Horsemen reincarnating as flamingoes, it's intriguing!
As for comments regarding writing style,The fourth wall breakage makes for a more... Interactive tone? Which I find is good. It makes me want to read more. As for pronouns, considering Death goes by "it", for consistency's sake the rest going by "it" is a good choice.
Choices alone are enough, and I like the format as it is. So far, I don't think lack of imagery is an issue.
I'm not very confident in my critique skills, so I don't have anything of substance constructive critique wise >w<
Ah! I was going to Note you a link but you found it first! I'm glad you enjoyed it!
I admit I went for the fourth-wall breaking to give it a comedic tone but you're right, it's also quite interactive in nature. Thank you for your critique, it's very much appreciated! Please can I get a quick confirmation when you've finished playing with it of what you think?
I admit I went for the fourth-wall breaking to give it a comedic tone but you're right, it's also quite interactive in nature. Thank you for your critique, it's very much appreciated! Please can I get a quick confirmation when you've finished playing with it of what you think?
Yeye, no problem!
Oh yes, I'll do my best to finish reading it and give my thoughts afterwards! It's quite late here so I might take a while xd
Oh yes, I'll do my best to finish reading it and give my thoughts afterwards! It's quite late here so I might take a while xd
- Narrative comes across as quite conversational, which is pretty nice and gives it a break in the story, yet makes it more interactive too.
- I have to agree that for consistencyโs sake, sticking with โitโ would be a good idea - that and it allows the reader to paint their own picture of the other characters, imagine their voices and so on, without it being too structured
- Choices alone are enough, itโs what pops into mind first when someone mentions โCYOAโ (Slightly relevant - I think thereโs a book in Skyrim thatโs a CYOA too - again, choice-only)
- Thatโs all down to personal preference, but for me itโs easier to follow along if itโs written down.
- Thankfully, none. Itโs spaced out just right as isnโt it too big blocks of text.
- I think it works the way it is, although I know it can vary between people as well, but I think the sense of imagery comes across - and that in itself would make it more interactive as the reader has to sort of use their imagination and visualization skills a bit.
- I have to agree that for consistencyโs sake, sticking with โitโ would be a good idea - that and it allows the reader to paint their own picture of the other characters, imagine their voices and so on, without it being too structured
- Choices alone are enough, itโs what pops into mind first when someone mentions โCYOAโ (Slightly relevant - I think thereโs a book in Skyrim thatโs a CYOA too - again, choice-only)
- Thatโs all down to personal preference, but for me itโs easier to follow along if itโs written down.
- Thankfully, none. Itโs spaced out just right as isnโt it too big blocks of text.
- I think it works the way it is, although I know it can vary between people as well, but I think the sense of imagery comes across - and that in itself would make it more interactive as the reader has to sort of use their imagination and visualization skills a bit.
Awesome stuff - thank you for this!
ooh this is a really interesting concept!
personally i like some fourth wall breaking here and there, as it keeps me focused on the rest of the story
as it was already said, i'd say sticking with 'it' is the best
just choices is enough, and i'd prefer it if it's written down as you can read it at your own pace and it's easier to follow
no giant blocks of text that are hard to read, all good here
as for imagery, cyoa don't really need any images so this is totally fine
hope i was able to help!
and keep up the good work ^^
personally i like some fourth wall breaking here and there, as it keeps me focused on the rest of the story
as it was already said, i'd say sticking with 'it' is the best
just choices is enough, and i'd prefer it if it's written down as you can read it at your own pace and it's easier to follow
no giant blocks of text that are hard to read, all good here
as for imagery, cyoa don't really need any images so this is totally fine
hope i was able to help!
and keep up the good work ^^
Thank you very much for this! It certainly is helpful - I'm making notes of what everyone likes and am starting to get a good picture of what people like and dislike about it.
"keep up the good work ^^"
Already have! I've nearly finished working on Pinion's conversation with the crows. Then there's the parakeets, then the storks, and then I'll post those three conversations up.
"keep up the good work ^^"
Already have! I've nearly finished working on Pinion's conversation with the crows. Then there's the parakeets, then the storks, and then I'll post those three conversations up.
I'm mostly going to focus on the first bullet "- What you think of the narrative voice. Do you like the fourth wall breakage or does it take you out of the story?"
Parts of the narrator introduction made it initially seem like it was some sort of comedy along with many of its colorful metaphors of the animals and dialogue before turning into a rather bleak and somewhat disturbing story.
The story itself isn't an issue, but usually when I read stories with a narrator introduction especially where they break the fourth wall, it's usually for a story that's not meant to be taken as seriously in tone.
I don't know, it could be just me.
One alternative to the opening narration would for it to be from the perspective of one of the animals as the way the narrator describes the animals and their specific qualities that are being lost or forgotten makes it seem like it's "inside knowledge" of the animal kingdom.
I think one aspect that comes to mind is passive voice vs. active voice.
To be more specific, the lines that make it seem more comedic or breaks the flow are the following:
"... you know what? I didn't want to get started. Okay. Okay, I'm done with that." That segment sort of breaks it for me because it seems too comedic.
Another line from earlier:
"I'm your narrator and I'm going to tell you the story of one of these animals."
As the reader I can already deduce that it's an opening narration directed toward me the reader and I don't really need to be told who the narrator is. I would just eliminate that line altogether. It seems superfluous and also breaks the flow. Had the narrator popped up again throughout the story I might be willing to overlook it, but again, the narrator interjecting into the story would break the flow for me especially for the tone being read.
One of the things I try to teach my students in their writing is how they begin an essay. Most every one of my students begins with "well, I think that Cardinal Richelieu doubted the strength of the French because of..." I really try to hammer it into them to eliminate the "well, I think that" and just begin with "Cardinal Richelieu doubted..." as it makes their writing so much more interesting to read.
Then again, one example of where an opening narration works for the seriousness of the story, is from the old Twilight Zone episodes. The narrator speaks directly to the viewer in those as well but even there the narrator never explains who he is or tells the viewer that he is the narrator. The viewer already knows this man floating in space is some omniscient narrator detailing the preface of the story or hypothetical.
I'd say keep the opening narration, but some of the 4th wall breaks takes just takes me out of the story and those could be either removed or altered in the very least.
Parts of the narrator introduction made it initially seem like it was some sort of comedy along with many of its colorful metaphors of the animals and dialogue before turning into a rather bleak and somewhat disturbing story.
The story itself isn't an issue, but usually when I read stories with a narrator introduction especially where they break the fourth wall, it's usually for a story that's not meant to be taken as seriously in tone.
I don't know, it could be just me.
One alternative to the opening narration would for it to be from the perspective of one of the animals as the way the narrator describes the animals and their specific qualities that are being lost or forgotten makes it seem like it's "inside knowledge" of the animal kingdom.
I think one aspect that comes to mind is passive voice vs. active voice.
To be more specific, the lines that make it seem more comedic or breaks the flow are the following:
"... you know what? I didn't want to get started. Okay. Okay, I'm done with that." That segment sort of breaks it for me because it seems too comedic.
Another line from earlier:
"I'm your narrator and I'm going to tell you the story of one of these animals."
As the reader I can already deduce that it's an opening narration directed toward me the reader and I don't really need to be told who the narrator is. I would just eliminate that line altogether. It seems superfluous and also breaks the flow. Had the narrator popped up again throughout the story I might be willing to overlook it, but again, the narrator interjecting into the story would break the flow for me especially for the tone being read.
One of the things I try to teach my students in their writing is how they begin an essay. Most every one of my students begins with "well, I think that Cardinal Richelieu doubted the strength of the French because of..." I really try to hammer it into them to eliminate the "well, I think that" and just begin with "Cardinal Richelieu doubted..." as it makes their writing so much more interesting to read.
Then again, one example of where an opening narration works for the seriousness of the story, is from the old Twilight Zone episodes. The narrator speaks directly to the viewer in those as well but even there the narrator never explains who he is or tells the viewer that he is the narrator. The viewer already knows this man floating in space is some omniscient narrator detailing the preface of the story or hypothetical.
I'd say keep the opening narration, but some of the 4th wall breaks takes just takes me out of the story and those could be either removed or altered in the very least.
Edit: I examined the story more closely and the narrator does indeed pop up again, but it also brings me out of the story, specifically in the opening:
"At first glance, the flamingos were in just the same metaphorical boat as every other creature in the zoo: trapped physically in a large, open-topped enclosure, and mentally by the lack of vision that one would expect of any living thing born in captivity. So, I hear you ask, where's the story?
The story, my friend, is of the hitherto unrealised potential of one particular flamingo, named Pinion.
Oh, by the way. Did you notice that I said the flamingo enclosure was open-topped? Yes, that's relevant to the plot, and we can see why if we zoom in on this story."
***
It confuses me too because after this the narrator doesn't really make an appearance anymore.
I personally would just eliminate the narrator interjection altogether:
At first glance, the flamingos were in just the same metaphorical boat as every other creature in the zoo: trapped physically in a large, open-topped enclosure, and mentally by the lack of vision that one would expect of any living thing born in captivity.
(And then introduce Pinion some other way)
I don't really need to be told by the narrator why the enclosure being open-topped is relevant to the plot so long as the story shows me why later, which the story does.
As they say "show don't tell".
The story literally shows me the reason for the enclosure being open-topped the immediate following paragraph, so it makes the previous dialogue unnecessary.
Anyway, I hope you don't take my criticisms too harshly. I just found the 4th wall breaks unnecessary and more of a diversion to the overall tone of the story.
"At first glance, the flamingos were in just the same metaphorical boat as every other creature in the zoo: trapped physically in a large, open-topped enclosure, and mentally by the lack of vision that one would expect of any living thing born in captivity. So, I hear you ask, where's the story?
The story, my friend, is of the hitherto unrealised potential of one particular flamingo, named Pinion.
Oh, by the way. Did you notice that I said the flamingo enclosure was open-topped? Yes, that's relevant to the plot, and we can see why if we zoom in on this story."
***
It confuses me too because after this the narrator doesn't really make an appearance anymore.
I personally would just eliminate the narrator interjection altogether:
At first glance, the flamingos were in just the same metaphorical boat as every other creature in the zoo: trapped physically in a large, open-topped enclosure, and mentally by the lack of vision that one would expect of any living thing born in captivity.
(And then introduce Pinion some other way)
I don't really need to be told by the narrator why the enclosure being open-topped is relevant to the plot so long as the story shows me why later, which the story does.
As they say "show don't tell".
The story literally shows me the reason for the enclosure being open-topped the immediate following paragraph, so it makes the previous dialogue unnecessary.
Anyway, I hope you don't take my criticisms too harshly. I just found the 4th wall breaks unnecessary and more of a diversion to the overall tone of the story.
Thanks for all of this feedback! I didn't realise you were a writing tutor/coach.
I totally get what you mean about the fourth-wall breakage. I think I'm going to keep it because the sentiment I'm aiming for here is a combination of rationalfic, comedy, and horror. I wonder if there are other ways I can convey that?
The overall story I'm writing here is called The Four Flamingos of the Apocalypse. Now, I recognise that I'm asking for feedback on a furry web site which means that the people who see this story are more likely to take a story about a flamingo seriously, and I also realise in hindsight that the title The Four Flamingos of the Apocalypse isn't as clear as it should be. Indeed, this exact story is called Pinion's Story which doesn't give the same idea of what the overall story's about. I can absolutely find ways to put the overall story title in more places to make sure people can't miss it, but I was hoping that the overall title would make it clear that this story is not to be taken seriously.
Outside of the context of the story, this is meant to be a demonstration of my ability to make CYOAs so as such it's meant to be fun, interesting (because really, how does a quartet of flamingos go about bringing the apocalypse? That's the goal of the longer-term story, I'm just introducing Death in Pinion's Story), and above all, eye-catching.
I sacrificed some of my adherence to show vs. tell purely so that the narrator could be a bit sassy as I wanted to test out whether people enjoyed the sass, so I think I'm going to keep it for that reason.
Overall I'm aware of passive vs. active voice, but I'll review some literature on that to make sure I'm not slipping into old habits.
On a final note, I'm noting down peoples' answers to all of the questions in my comment that you initially responded to under this story. Just for the sake of completion could I get your answers to the rest of them, please? If not, no worries and thank you anyway!
I totally get what you mean about the fourth-wall breakage. I think I'm going to keep it because the sentiment I'm aiming for here is a combination of rationalfic, comedy, and horror. I wonder if there are other ways I can convey that?
The overall story I'm writing here is called The Four Flamingos of the Apocalypse. Now, I recognise that I'm asking for feedback on a furry web site which means that the people who see this story are more likely to take a story about a flamingo seriously, and I also realise in hindsight that the title The Four Flamingos of the Apocalypse isn't as clear as it should be. Indeed, this exact story is called Pinion's Story which doesn't give the same idea of what the overall story's about. I can absolutely find ways to put the overall story title in more places to make sure people can't miss it, but I was hoping that the overall title would make it clear that this story is not to be taken seriously.
Outside of the context of the story, this is meant to be a demonstration of my ability to make CYOAs so as such it's meant to be fun, interesting (because really, how does a quartet of flamingos go about bringing the apocalypse? That's the goal of the longer-term story, I'm just introducing Death in Pinion's Story), and above all, eye-catching.
I sacrificed some of my adherence to show vs. tell purely so that the narrator could be a bit sassy as I wanted to test out whether people enjoyed the sass, so I think I'm going to keep it for that reason.
Overall I'm aware of passive vs. active voice, but I'll review some literature on that to make sure I'm not slipping into old habits.
On a final note, I'm noting down peoples' answers to all of the questions in my comment that you initially responded to under this story. Just for the sake of completion could I get your answers to the rest of them, please? If not, no worries and thank you anyway!
You sure you need any feedback from me? I ain't no writer ๐คฃ
Oh for sure, yes pleas! The more the merrier! You may have already seen but the whole list of questions is at the top of this comments stack - the first one right under the description.
Hey there! I read through what you have and so I'll answer the questions you left here.
-I liked the narrative voice. And I did enjoy the fourth wall breakage, hearing the narrator's opinion about my choices was fun and amusing.
-Hmm well for me it was a little confusing at first, because I think I'm too used to hearing characters referred to as he or she. I think I actually sort of started imagining the genders even without being told, like in my mind Pinion was male, the leader was male, and Web could go either way. It might help if it was explained why they are referred to as "it," like maybe flamingos don't particularly identify with any gender very deeply and that's just how they think of themselves, and that would make a lot of sense as to why they'd be referred to that way.
-I absolutely loved having the choice for myself. Because it makes you think carefully about what you read and use logic to consider which would be best. Though sometimes there are just choices which you -know- won't work, but you can't resist choosing to see what happens. It adds a lot of fun. That's why I loved "choose your own adventure" books so much as a kid. Having to roll a dice and keep track of things adds extra work when I think for me personally I love to just sit down with a book and cruise through the story without having to worry about anything else.
-Nope, it works just fine for me!
-I don't think artwork is super important. If you paint a good enough picture in the reader's mind, you don't really need artwork to go along with it. In fact in some novels I've read where they included artwork, I ended up disappointed because it didn't match up with what I had imagined in my head. So I actually prefer without.
-I think you are doing a great job with this! The format worked well for me. It brought a lot of nostalgia back to the days when I used to read "choose your own adventure" stories as a kid or the old RPG computer games where you had dialog choices that impacted the game. It wasn't draggy, I didn't get bored at any point, keeping things short but interesting kept me hooked and wanting to know what would be next. I'd say you are on the right track!
-I liked the narrative voice. And I did enjoy the fourth wall breakage, hearing the narrator's opinion about my choices was fun and amusing.
-Hmm well for me it was a little confusing at first, because I think I'm too used to hearing characters referred to as he or she. I think I actually sort of started imagining the genders even without being told, like in my mind Pinion was male, the leader was male, and Web could go either way. It might help if it was explained why they are referred to as "it," like maybe flamingos don't particularly identify with any gender very deeply and that's just how they think of themselves, and that would make a lot of sense as to why they'd be referred to that way.
-I absolutely loved having the choice for myself. Because it makes you think carefully about what you read and use logic to consider which would be best. Though sometimes there are just choices which you -know- won't work, but you can't resist choosing to see what happens. It adds a lot of fun. That's why I loved "choose your own adventure" books so much as a kid. Having to roll a dice and keep track of things adds extra work when I think for me personally I love to just sit down with a book and cruise through the story without having to worry about anything else.
-Nope, it works just fine for me!
-I don't think artwork is super important. If you paint a good enough picture in the reader's mind, you don't really need artwork to go along with it. In fact in some novels I've read where they included artwork, I ended up disappointed because it didn't match up with what I had imagined in my head. So I actually prefer without.
-I think you are doing a great job with this! The format worked well for me. It brought a lot of nostalgia back to the days when I used to read "choose your own adventure" stories as a kid or the old RPG computer games where you had dialog choices that impacted the game. It wasn't draggy, I didn't get bored at any point, keeping things short but interesting kept me hooked and wanting to know what would be next. I'd say you are on the right track!
Oops I forgot to answer your question about the video format!
I went and listened through some of your video. So my thoughts on that are that I think it's really good to have both writing and video if possible. This is just personal preference for me but I do prefer writing because I like having more of that book experience where I can sit down and read it. But I also really appreciated that you had a video made of it because my husband is dyslexic and has a hard time reading things, so I know something like this would be great for others like him who have an easier time with audiobooks. And also I'd like to say that you did a great job narrating the story! Your voice was pleasant to listen to and told the story in a way that just felt really comfortable and easy to listen to.
I went and listened through some of your video. So my thoughts on that are that I think it's really good to have both writing and video if possible. This is just personal preference for me but I do prefer writing because I like having more of that book experience where I can sit down and read it. But I also really appreciated that you had a video made of it because my husband is dyslexic and has a hard time reading things, so I know something like this would be great for others like him who have an easier time with audiobooks. And also I'd like to say that you did a great job narrating the story! Your voice was pleasant to listen to and told the story in a way that just felt really comfortable and easy to listen to.
This is awesome - thank you!
That's an interesting point about artwork in story books. I used to get that same feeling of disappointment sometimes, so I think I'll bear that in mind for if and when I get art of this story.
And thanks for listening to the video version too. I've stopped doing the videos just for now due to time restrictions but would like to pick it up again whenever I can. On that note, I have a Patreon tier dedicated to Flamingos - it's the Behind the Scenes tier for $10. Do you feel like supporting that? If so, it would definitely help!
That's an interesting point about artwork in story books. I used to get that same feeling of disappointment sometimes, so I think I'll bear that in mind for if and when I get art of this story.
And thanks for listening to the video version too. I've stopped doing the videos just for now due to time restrictions but would like to pick it up again whenever I can. On that note, I have a Patreon tier dedicated to Flamingos - it's the Behind the Scenes tier for $10. Do you feel like supporting that? If so, it would definitely help!
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