File type: Text File (.txt) [Download]
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To: All New Employees (Systems Maintenence)
From: The Network Admin
Subject: Welcome!!!
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Hello, new computer techs!!! ^.^

My name is Gemini Scyers, I'm your local mainframe admin. I hear you naive little grads have decided your hand at the management of communications technology. Let me tell you a little more about your job description. Your job is to help keep the network hardware running okay and to manage the corporate comms network. Oh, and if something overheats and burns, god forbid, rescue me from my little deathtrap of a mainframe room.

Our boss is Roger Tyker, the Systems Supervisor. He holds a higher position than me, even though my official title is Network Administrator,  If you feel the need to ask him for help with your job, like for example, how a computer works, then you're probably in the wrong profession. You may note that unlike his brother, the Chief Engineer, Forrest, Roger doesn't really know much about operating computers, thus underscoring the fact that incompetence is one of the keys to achieving success in a corporate environment.

Face it, if you need help with something, I'm the goddess you should turn to. I will reply to your email in a response pointing out your obviously idiotic mistake and then telling you to turn your PC off than back on, making it look like you're a goddamn retard despite that you probably have a master's degree in computer science or theoretical physics

Obviously, since you are taking entry level positions, filling in for people who either got shot, maimed, melted, electrocuted, gutted, vaporized, or any number of the above when one of our late clients went on a rampage and tried to kill us all, you will not be paid much. The longer you survive amongst the labrynth of useless tunnels and the fumes of leaking fuel drums, the higher you will be paid.

The first thing you will notice is that I will never be seen, and that the mainframe room is closed off by more security than the Military Division uses to safeguard it's stockpile of chemical weapons. People often tell me that it's not healthy for a girl my age to live in an isolated mainframe room, and you'll probably send me an email to that degree as well. This isolation usually drives me to jump the cutie who delivers my groceries. Maybe I'll run into you in some urgant crisis where people are dying, and if you're cute, I may be in need of some "comfort and protection". (despite that I'm well trained in the usage of firearms and am more than capable of kicking your ass.)

Now enough talk about your jobs, it was a smokescreen to my true agenda.

You think that by helping keep the Crescent Corporation mainframe running, you'll be able to make some pathetic difference in the world around you. Well guess what? The goal of this memo is to crush your miserable little hopes and dreams, abandon all hope, ye who enter here. You come in bright young college grads, but within a few days you'll realize that you are dead and this is hell. Management is incompetent, the foundation of Subbasement 5 is falling apart around you, people have a nasty habit of dying, the air conditioning is malfunctioning, and I suspect the reactor core may be close to going critical.

You think I'm joking about the incompetence that plagues us like a horde of annoying little children. Well how about I give you a few examples. There's that lizard lady Lillianne Delfina Rantern, she runs the PR department. This isn't widely known, hell, the CEO doesn't know this, but she cannot spell. She likes to report people and get them thrown out, I secretly hope she gets killed in a botched home invasion.

Our CEO Carlie has this daughter, Ferona Taylor, be veeery careful how carefully you pry into what business she does with Division 86, that shady corporate mercenary organization of hers, because it's quite an easy way to find a shallow grave. I'll fill you in so you can play point the finger when the SEC comes snooping around. Division 86 is her secret way of funneling millions of dollars out of the company, the books are so cooked that I doubt anyone will ever notice but those who know. But we know, don't we?

You females may note this attractive wolf driving the fancy sports car, the guy screams money right? Well ignore him, he may be taken. That's Warren Maeko, the CFO of the company, he's just as corrupt as Ferona. He controls the purse strings of the company and he knows everything that happens with the finances, he's the one who cooked the books to cover it up. There's an office pool on whether the two are having an affair, cast your bet today!

Some of you may have heard of this odd little initiative started by that mousy little lynx who's the director of HR, Kyle Shillindy. You know the one, "Terrorists Are People Too", it's causing all this stir amongst upper management. I'm lower management, and I'm down here. So it's really none of my business, it'll probably blow over in a week or so. If you're offended, remember this: Kyle's an ass, he's also bad in bed, I'd know.

About Jasilyn Flyer, our CSO. She's your best friend, so if you seriously screw up, like there's two or more dead people screw up, you can count on her to be your alibi. Just remember never to damage her car, it's that nice silver muscle car in the corner of P3, near the elevator to the the subbasement levels. Damaging it won't get you fired, it's more likely to get your ass beaten into the ground, possibly with a broken bottle shoved up it. (Note, the Chief of Operations Cyrus Cale is just as nice as Jasilyn in alibi ways, and with less likely to kill you)

As a parting note, I'm going to warn you about Carlie Taylor Icewave (just Carlie Taylor on the business card) Don't be fooled by her appearance, she may look like your average everyday fox, but she is a kitsune, got six tails she does and this odd little ice ability, you may notice how her handshakes feel quite cold, now you know why. Be careful, she is always lurking around somewhere that's not her office, maybe even behind you!

Well, now that all that's said and done, welcome to the Crescent Corporation, your employment contract states that you have a manditory five year employment, unless it gets terminated by upper management. Now enjoy your employment and try not to get yourself fired... or killed.

Have a nice day! <3

Black Gemini