~toddlergirl

I don't write here very often, usually using the more populated account but i've been thinking a lot about me and my inner child and what I need to do with her.

It feels repulsive to say, like it really feels jarring and goes against what I've held in my heart for pretty much 40 years, but...

I'm going to have to learn to re-parent myself.

I've spent my whole life looking for a parent who will care about me unconditionally, who will give me exactly what I need exactly when I need it and for all these years i've been looking externally for that source and what I need to be doing is looking within. holding someone else to that magical standard of a perfect parent...It can just lead to more damage.

As a trainee therapist a large part of that training is about building what is known as a safe base for clients. People who had less than ideal parents when they were growing or an unsafe household had a shakey foundation on how to interact with the world, they didnt feel secure in their surroundings and so became anxious or despondent or chaotic in how they interact with their environment.

Its a therapists job to create a safe non judgemental holding space so that the client can feel they are safely contained enough to then begin trying new things or challenging their beliefs about themselves.

My inner child comes from a place of neglect I know this, of not getting the attention I needed from a mother who had post natal depression who couldnt tend to her own needs let alone the needs of an infant she didnt want. Those were the cards I drew when I was born and whilst thats not ideal, thats also not the end of me.
When I think about my inner parent, shes pretty cruel. dismissive, critical, impatient. But I can learn new ways of being a parent internally and apply that to my inner child. This is what i need to do

In therapy I was asked to find my inner child. I thought, heck thats easy. as a little my inner kid is right under the surface, she is so easy to tap into because im like always a 50/50 mix of big and little me, but during the therapy experiment, when i went looking for her I found her in a sliding door closet. I opened the door and she was on the floor colouring pictures with crayons she looked up and was happy to see me in a 'oh! youre here? you wanna play?" kinda way and the closet felt light and airy and it was plastered with pictures and shiny rocks and bits of stuff she had found and she had essentially turned the closet into a den, and I felt sad in that moment, because id realised id been neglecting her for so long that she had gotten used to me not being around and had turned to making her own entertainment and her own way in life without me. It felt intensely sad and I want to fix that.

I've basically ignored her in the way my mum ignored me and I learnt to just get by without her....without anyone, and if I can fix that inner dismissive parent in me, if I can REALLY let my little side properly feel loved by myself and merged with adult me then I can perhaps find new ways of interacting and building stronger relationships with folk.

But it starts with me having to make that pledge of learning to be a better parent for my own inner child as true healing can only really happen internally.