~TiberiusRings

Howdy!

I don't think there's really a direction this journal is supposed to go in. I felt like getting some things out because it's better to do that. Besides that, writing is cathartic for me, it helps focus my feelings and tends to strain out the random bits of crazy. So that's what this journal is really about, sharing some of how my mind thinks, approaches problems, and the random musing or two.

Before I move on any further I just wanted to say I'm doing much better from when I made my last journal. Problems got fixed and good news all around mostly, so nothing to really fret or worry about there. Though October hasn't been the easiest month for me.


So it's no real secret I don't have the best teeth. This stems from bad genetics, poor dental work as a child, and a fear of the dentist I mostly picked up from my mother growing up. It was never a huge concern of mine because I did the best I could to maintain them (not...best, but I did try!) but it seems fate caught up with me finally toward the start of the month. In the middle of the night I got a toothache on the lower left hand side of my mouth. Now, I'd felt a twinge here and there for years, always chalking it up to just sensitive teeth. It always went away after a moment. Only this time it didn't.

Still, I took some pain medicine, brushed and flossed, and just hoped it would go away. Nope. Not at all. It only got worse. The pain got worse as I waited, eventually working up into one of the worst headaches in my left temple I've ever, ever had. It was like what I could imagine a dagger being stabbed into the side of my skull slowly and over and over again. The only thing that only made those headaches go away was a hot shower. This was with, of course, a bad toothache.

I don't consider myself the toughest man on the planet or anything like that, but with as long as I felt the pain and the fear it could be something more serious I got scared. I cried a few times. Thankfully I have Bass. I feel bad though; I was insane and I often lashed out of him out of fear and the pain I was feeling. He never blinked an eye though, always stuck with me, and helped me when I needed it most. Finally I went to the dentist in the middle of a work shift because of the pain and ended up having six hour oral surgery to remove an impacted wisdom tooth and a molar with a terrible cavity. It hurt but the headaches stopped and I feel great now! Save for a hole where my teeth used to be...

Beyond that, October has been fine. Work stress (normal) and relationship stress (also normal). I went to my very first wedding today, saw Bass' little sister get married in a very rustic Texas themed barn. Was a beautiful ceremony and I know they'll end up with a happily ever after ending together. It was really wonderful. I'm estranged from my own family for various reasons and to be accepted into his family with such open arms is surreal and wonderful. Its something I'm very grateful for and humbled by. I often think I don't deserve it, that they could see something in me that would turn them away, but nothing of the sort has happened in over a year now. I shouldn't worry about such things and I'm working on not. I need to realize that people may just simply like me for who and what I am. I have few people in my life which I can say unconditionally love me, but every day I'm with Bass that list tends to grow a bit more as I make connections with his family. I'm very lucky, even if I don't feel worthy of all they've done for me.

I don't like the sense of doubt and worry I often put myself through. Anxiety has been my demon for the last couple of years, stress from work and friends from California scarred me in some ways, I think. A bad work environment coupled with watching people I truly care about start to crumble and fall apart, trying to help them but not make either of them hate me, it was too much. I think something broke during all that. My ability to simply let things go, to not read into every little detail, and its something I'm working very hard to undo. Again, Bass has to deal with that and its something I worry may hurt us as a couple. Often I find myself talking out my inner demons to him about the most mundane things and making them into huge problems that aren't even problems at all. He's patient and loving but the anxiety is always there, like I may just soak up his patience. Logically I know if he loves me as much as he clearly does he's not going to drop me if things aren't perfect and nor would I. We're at our best in a relationship when we aren't both perfect, when the other needs help That's where love shines brightest to me. He's put me first many, many times, and I'm honored to call him my boyfriend.

Anyway, musings over! I feel better. If any of this makes sense to ya'll then great! I'm working on another story, should have it posted soon!