~StarWonder

Sorry this is a short journal, but I need to get something out.

I miss everyone so bad, I miss the community, I miss everything. I am still not well, I'm still going through blood tests, CT scans, I'm now waiting on an MRI for my brain and spine, as well as a bone marrow biopsy. Doctor's are pulling out their hair, one specialist after another. The hardest part of all? It's not even not knowing what's going on (which at first I thought it was, but it's a close second). It's how much I miss being me, miss being able to art for others, I miss being able to focus, to create beautiful things for others. I owe art still that I'm so afraid I will never get done (because I don't know what's wrong with me STILL, it's one illness after another.)

The biggest struggle is to get back to being me. But when you're body, mind, everything, is unwell, it's so difficult to put into words how bad I miss everyone... There are a few names that pop out heavily, others I've forgotten but remember the deeds they did and love them so much. I can't even RP, my inbox is full of people that want to RP that I cannot reply to. How does one explain how their mind is basically hijacked? When you suddenly aren't you... When things that came easy and naturally suddenly are gone. I'm terrified of what the bone marrow biopsy will bring up because one of my doctors said basically it's the last thing he can think of. It might be a blood disorder/disease... but... my symptoms are in line with Leukemia as well... and it is so so so hard not to break apart in fear. When you've gone through all possible blood tests, you're on a strict Gluten-free diet (I have Celiac, which can cause me to be sick a lot but my blood tests say I'm GF and there's no reason for my blood results to be the way they are, the pain I am going through, etc.) and you meet all other criteria, it's hard not to think you are slowly dying while people are trying to diagnose you. It's hard not to drop into despair, desperation, and fear. If it comes back as positive, I'll let everyone know for sure, I don't want to be one of those artists that disappears. I'll try to find the money to pay back those I still owe art to. Money has been so tight it literally becomes a choice of medication or to eat, and I can't eat without medication... So yeah... My partner is trying to support me but he's also in debt for his own things as well, so he's struggling with every penny like me. Before I got ill, I was drawing to bring in money to eat or pay bills. But now it's gone, I'm lucky if I can doodle if at all.

A lot of other things has happened, but I have to end the journal here. It's overwhelming just to say these few words. I miss you all so much. I'm trying to do YouTube/Twitch stuff, something that doesn't require as much of my mind, and emotions. But it's slow, and when I am ill, I can't release/make videos. Right now it's just to try and get something...anything... going...

I love you all... I miss you all so bad... I'm so sorry I've not been well and still am not well enough to be back and only to leave this journal. I hope you're all doing better than me, and I hope you all are still loving each other and making sure to keep each other positive and looking at the light! (But not directly, don't be Trump during an eclipse for the love of ____ lol) Sorry, my attempt at trying to lighten things. <3 I love you guys... Miss you guys.... again, I'm so so sorry I'm not well enough to finish pieces, or contribute more... I'm thinking of everyone nearly every day <3