~SnowyCheshire

Hello lovelies~ As the journal title suggests, it's been a full year since I started HRT! Technically it was March 22nd, but I was traveling at the time, so who's counting?

This won't be a super-long journal and I don't expect it to get any real traction, but it felt important to acknowledge the day. Some of that is for my sake - I know who I am, and vanity is definitely a part of it - but a lot of it is for the sake of any gender-queer folks that watch me, especially those considering or just starting transition. A year is a small thing, in the grand scheme, but it's a year that I've been able to spend as my authentic self and thrive, not just survive. It isn't all milk and honey, of course, but even with the challenges and the losses, the past 12 months have been the best of my life.

All that said, I want to open up the floor for any questions that you all might have! I'll make sure to answer any and all questions you have, so please feel free to ask away. I've also included a few of the larger changes below for the curious - I hope you enjoy!


1) Identity! This one's pretty straightforward; I went from presenting male to the femme side of non-binary, and I've starting going by she/they pronouns instead of him/they. I'm still early enough in my transition that it's a bit of a 50/50 whether a passerby is going to misgender me, but more and more often strangers are referring to me as "ma'am" or "lady", which is a nice feeling. More importantly, though, embracing my identity has made me realize that even if a stranger misgenders me, I can handle it - because I know who I am, and that is so much more important.

2) Fucking depression. One thing I was not aware of before starting HRT was how much depression shaped my life. It wasn't a deep depression by any means, but it still muted all of the good things and exacerbated all of the bad, not the least of which was the impact it had on my self-care. I won't lie and say I don't still deal with it, but since biting the bullet it no longer defines me. I no longer talk myself out of going to the gym or playing games, no longer avoid friends for fear of being a burden... I spend a lot less time at the bar, and when I do go the alcohol is a nice addition to the evening instead of a critical ingredient. Of course, lifting that layer of depression has uncovered a few deep wounds that I didn't realize were festering, but even that's not all terrible: it hurts, so much more than I could have imagined, but I've been able to look it in the eye and realize that this is something I can heal from, now that I know it's there.

3) I can finally feel my emotions! Before all this, emotions often felt like they were happening to someone else; I was aware they were occurring, I knew they were having an effect, but my own interaction with them was sieved through a filter of dissociated logic, which led to less "managing my emotions" and more "cataloguing events that led to the disaster", since it would inevitably end in a massive outburst. Part of this has to do with that layer of depression, but most of the blame for this has to do with my autism - surprise, the trans person is neuro-spicy. I have begun affectionately referring to my estradiol as "feelings juice" because it amps up my base emotions to a healthy level where I can feel them in the moment, process them, and then... move on. How novel, right?

4) TITS! Yes, tits, along with my face softening, my hips and ass getting wider, and a general re-proportioning of my body fat, have become a lovely physical reminder of my journey. My chest bounces when I go down the stairs now, and I've still got another year or two before I finish my initial physical development, so we'll see how big the girls get! Personally, I'm hoping for C-cups, though there is that tiny voice in the back of my head chanting, "D-cups! D-cups!" like some kind of ritualistic prayer. More than anything, though, my breast development has really helped fill out my shirts and dresses, and drawn that line between "femboi" and "femme". They're not the most important change in my transition by any stretch, but I wouldn't give them up for the world... and for those curious, yes, it is just as much fun to play with my own as it is to play with someone else's. Better, even, because I can fondle them whenever I want~!

If you have any questions you'd like to ask, or want to share experiences from your own journey, please leave a comment! I promise, I'll read all of them and respond to the questions - and who knows? Your comment could be the one that helps someone else take the next step in their journey.