~Sharpe19

Please note, there are some adult suggested topics and mentioning of suicide ahead. I held my tongue for almost a year while the court was going on, and I will not be quiet any longer. This is much longer than I meant it, I do apologize.

A long story short, 2019-2022, my dad developed lung cancer from Agent Orange (Viet Nam), we were forced to buy a house as our landlords were selling the house we were renting, work was causing severe rotator cuff damage to my shoulders, I filed for a divorce, moved to a new location solo, dad passed away at the end of 2021, and the divorce was finalized this Feb.

I had not planned on writing this up and making something like this public as I wanted to give privacy and respect to the individuals involved, but since certain information has been released, even rather personal private information that I would not have shared otherwise, I am sharing my side of things and letting people come to their on conclusions. I'm not here to make people believe me or seek sympathy, but I feel letting people see both sides of the coin is important.

I want to preface this with some important things. I'm not angry at him, or anyone involved. People are still dear friends, just caught up in a large web of struggles that will take many years of healing.

February 18th 2021 put a legal end to 11 years of my life. I had had relationships prior to this one but nothing quite as serious. Many of my past relationships had similar ear marks and the one prior to my marriage with a European fur was rough. Very emotionally controlling to the point where I was guilted for wanting to see my parents rather than spend time with this individual. I wasn't sleeping, spending every hour I could with this person, being their emotional battery as they struggled with heavy depression and I longed to make them happy. It went south not long in, and I was blind to it. Hard to see red flags with rose colored glasses.

Before it had started with the European fur, I had met a person that would become my future husband. Said person is someone known to most of our friends a Pizza or Pizzawolf. Pizza and I kept a strong for a few months after he left from the college we were both attending but after a while, contact dropped off and I moved on. The European relationship was online only and was toxic, leading me to call desperately one night seeking any sort of advise from the first person that came to mind. Pizza. He helped give me grounding advice and it gave me the courage to break up with the European fur. After that we never lost contact for more than a day, calling each other nightly and flying out when we were able. In all aspects, it felt like a fairytale. Almost a year after getting back in contact, we were married.

Things started off as you would expect things would with two people who had remained celibate their entire lives and the course took its toll for the next few years. It was growing from a bonding thing to more of a chore. At the time I was still working from home as a costume maker working late nights to the point of injury to make sure rent was paid. I took on more work than I should have and at times quality showed through the stress. I started having to say no more as I was emotionally and physically drained and initially, things were accepted.


I started encountering more UTI's and had one turn into a kidney infection, resulting in a fun 4 hour stay in the ER from the pain and vomiting despite any of my preventative measures. Between the pain from those and the constant requests, my interest started dwindling. When I would say no, I would get asked why and when I would give an answer, no matter what it was, I was told it was a excuse and guilt tripped by Pizza. So we started looking into alternate options, exploring things that could help him without putting a strain on me.
We continued to explore things with the suggestions of some close friends. They gave suggestions for some items that could help and were even given a kind offer from a close friend to help with some things personally, but the offer was declined at the time.

He admitted early on to possibly being gay. I accepted it and we moved forward, talking about it whenever he felt he needed to. At that time he was still unsure, but would talk about the attraction he had had. Letting himself be seen in open showers at the gym to see who would look or put himself in a position where he would be discovered naked. Going so far as to work with some photographers for mature, non-pornographic photos to give them something for their portfolio. It was a little odd for me, but I didn't bring it up.

As the years went along however when problems arose, I would try to talk about them and the conversation would be brought back to him, making my problems feel insignificant. I felt broken because I didn't share the same desires or drives as he did.

Work became harder and the conversations grew heated. Often times I would bring up the possibility if he was going through anything related to depression. His mother had depression/anxiety as did a few of the siblings so it was a reasonable question. This was always met with sharp negativity. I would talk to other folks, mentioning the symptoms without mentioning who. Mood swings, anger, controlling or manipulative behaviors. Often times depression would be brought up as a strong possibility.

When we would drive and someone would do something stupid (a.i. be on their phone, etc.) he would CHASE after them and stare them down till they put their phone down. Dangerously so. I would ask him, plead, yell at him to stop and he would never listen as he wove through traffic persuing them. I was scared he would do it to the wrong person one day and I was in the car, unable to do anything. It made me realize there was a part of him I didn't really know, and it scared me a bit. He was not a cop, he was not handling the situation rationally, and I feared something horrible would happen some day.

Kids were often brought up but at the time it never felt right. We had had a few pregnancy scares while I was on the pill. I moved onto a few new methods, slowly getting away from any hormone based contraceptives to see if it helped me with how I was feeling. See if I could get some connectivity back with my husband like that. I saw several specialists and even went on a medication to see if it could "fix" what I was going through. The medication was a disaster and left me with more questions than answers.

After a while I wondered if I was asexual as the thought of bedroom activities never really interested me. Pizza would bring up a sex therapist often, saying I should seek one out since the doctors weren't helping. Saying my drive block was all in my head and it was emotional based. I started to feel less and less interested in anything of the sort involved with the pushing that so often led to his satisfaction, and my chore. He kept saying it was all a mental thing for me as he couldn't see a reason for anything else.

One of my few love languages is touch. Not intimate, just touch in general. That's something that makes me happiest, yet no matter how often I would describe and explain that, he never understood. So often I felt my needs or problems were sub par to his drive and emotional swings. It seemed like what mattered to me wasn't as important.

Time went on and I was often fighting to have him help me clean. If there was food on the dishes, he didn't want to touch them. To get him to clean a corner was a struggle and often times when it came to it, I was the one cleaning the entire house. Our relationship wasn't a team, it was a game of tug of war. The only thing that felt like we worked together on was paying the bills. The topics stayed pretty much around a small circle of things and it felt like it never left that.

We explored more of his sexuality as he became more comfortable with being gay. This was a huge topic in our lives that I held close and tight to, only talking to those that he had been more open with about it. We tried more activities more leaning towards that for a while and for a bit, life started mellowing out. As he grew stronger in the sexuality though, things became more and more difficult as the weight bore on me more. I wanted to support him in all aspects as I was watching him come out of this cocoon and grow as a person. I was slowly easing myself into the various ideas to try to help him explore himself.

I would often create characters, generally male, when we first were married and he would scold me saying "why do you have so many males?". So I finally made one female. Trooper. Not long after when he became more comfortable with himself, I was scolded for not changing her back to male. So when I finally did make a male character for fun and made him one to match, they were both immediately taken over by him within a homosexual fantasy realm. A character I wanted to evolve and explore myself was used before I had much say. It hurt as it was a representation of me that I wasn't getting to let grow, but at the time I let him go about his way to see where he would take it. It let him explore more of himself which made me happy.

I wanted him to be happy and was told often, by him, that that was wrong. I wanted to do things that would make happy because that's another one of my love languages. I love to make people smile and laugh and I was told I was wrong for it. Told I needed to see a therapist as that was not something someone should be feeling. It often made me angry. Why was wanting someone to be happy wrong?

My coping methods for dealing with high stress things was putting my emotions into my hands, so I would craft to let my mind calm and I could think things through rationally rather than emotionally. I couldn't reach out to my usual people I would talk to so I kept it quiet with the exception of a small few. It got to the point that I was working through my own troubles as speaking with him wasn't achieving any solutions.

He would so often call me his husband or boyfriend when all I wanted to be called was his wife. I asked constantly to be called as such yet I would take on the role of husband when he needed me to be, to the point I couldn't really tell you who I was as a person. I couldn't reach out to people I wanted to and it hurt. I couldn't tell my mom or talk to certain people about what I was going through without the risk of exposing him. I felt cut off. Those that I could talk to helped a little, but I still felt isolated. I started to feel like I wanted to run from it all but kept looking for answers. Solutions.

There were times he would snuggle with other men
or verbally fantasize what he would do with them and I would hold my tongue as he seemed so happy I worked through what I was going through usually either numbing things through work or convincing myself that things were ok as he was happy and we would figure it out. I kept looking for the right path and answers but life was stable for the most part and we had figured out a lot of things thus far.

There were times I would hang out with male friends as I always had growing up in school and there was always trust as I kept our marriage first in both action and conversation. Even in the days when I wasn't home and we were separated, I kept all relationships within proper bounds.

Often times when I would go to a con I would find a buddy to hang around because hey. 5'2 woman solo in Chicago or Atlanta isn't a safe thing, even if I can generally hold my own. Most of my female friends were vendors so I would find various folk and we would watch out for each other. I would hang or even room with them (at Pizza's knowledge) such as MFF or ACEN for safety until my husband arrived, always keeping things respectful. I would have friends offer for us or me to come down for a fun trip. Arizona, the south, even Salt Lake City and a few of them I took them up on for conventions or trips to see folk I hadn't seen for a while.

Things really didn't start taking a turn until 2019/2020. Stress levels were at an all time high and it seemed as time progressed, he was pushing further and further into his desires. He would often send furry porn to my cell phone to indicate "how he was feeling" even though I asked countless times for him to stop. I didn't like viewing adult art. He would pause for some time and then start again. The conversations around anything male were suffocating and often I found myself drawing adult art for him to make him smile and hopefully let him express himself that way. I'm not proud of myself for that to the point I took it all with me when I left. Every time the conversations came up I found myself wanting to claw away from it.

We would try to talk how I was feeling and the conversations always seemed to revolve back to him. I found myself talking to friends via text only as tears poured. We had been discussing a third person to potentially fill the hole that I felt I just couldn't fill. He wanted things I felt couldn't give him no matter how hard I tried. He would tell me often that it was enough but him pawing for an appendage I didn't have in his sleep often told me otherwise, letting out a disappointed sigh when he realized it wasn't there.

Part of me was excited for the idea, thinking how happy he could be as well as getting to fulfill a part of himself he couldn't. I even went so far as to talk to another person to just set up a fun weekend for him. Innocent fun like a dinner, a hike, maybe even a shooting range. On the flip side, it tore me apart to the point I was crying myself to sleep. I felt I was betraying myself, sobbing, chest aching. I would reach out to friends and eventually had a couple ask of Pizza's orientation. At that point things poured from me to a small group of 2 people, then 3. then to my mom. It unloaded from me like a waterfall and I couldn't stop it as tears hit my screen as I typed.

I had more people reach out to me asking if I was ok and I would lie to them, put on the mask I had been wearing the last few years. It felt like a very one sided relationship and I was the cover, the beard. He would talk about if he was ever in a possibly private position with another man, there's a high probability he would get intimate with them, even while he was married. Here I was planning that possible situation to make him happy. I was both ecstatic and heartbroken. Then there was news of the exchanging of a personal photo between him. Pizza told me not long after and at that point, I was growing numb. Indifferent. Hollow.

The arguments were only getting worse around this time. Many times it turned back to him wanting kids and things in the bedroom. We were subconsciously compared to his youngest brother, his wife, and their child. Often being asked about when we would have kids by strangers or church members. it never felt right and often times it felt like that's all that was expected of me; kids and the bedroom. We would go in circles, 90% of the time involving something to do with the bedroom. It seemed that's what our relationship hinged on so strongly. Yes we had other interests but so many of them seemed to sit so heavily on the bedroom. I felt like an adult toy more than human some times.

He started finding pod casts about mixed orientation relationships. I listened to them, trying to find some in similar situations. I would reflect back on our conversations about how he would often tell me if I got with one of my female friends for an adult night and I wanted to explore, he would be happy. When I pointed out that if I did that with a guy he wouldn't be so supportive, trying to show the irony in it. Indeed when I pointed that out he got angry.

He would send links to various podcasts and I would try to listen to them on the assembly line, but I couldn't focus on them so when he would ask about them and what I thought, he would get angry and argumentative when I said I hadn't had the chance to really listen. Said I wasn't trying and he was the one carrying the weight of the whole relationship. He continued to say I was lying to myself and in tern lying to him for not being honest and up front about things. Saying I was lying to him when I would be positive for the 3rd party and then changing my mind.

I was conflicted with everything and would try to tell him how I felt at each moment so he understood where I was coming from and was called a liar for it. I would speak to the 3rd friend we were talking about bringing in possibly and tell them my feelings about everything and then talk to Pizza, each time opening up a little more as I realized it myself. I don't blame the 3rd member, they should have never been put through all of that and I still feel horrible for any pain caused

We were forced into the housing market with the landlords telling us they were wanting to sell the house. Stress levels mounted more as my father grew more ill, work became more problematic. We were seeking out a therapist and Pizza announced that if he didn't like what the therapist said, he would fire them and find another. I asked "what if what they said was needed to be heard but you didn't want to hear it?" he fought back and became aggravated. He chose one that was LGBT but was rather neutral and at the time. I spoke my part and mentioned I didn't want to do solo therapy at the time as at that point, I was reaching all limits to the situation but did solo with my own therapist for a few sessions.

During the sessions I was feeling I was trapped. We dug into the last 10 years and it made me realize I felt more like a shell. I felt like I was in a survival situation rather than a relationship. Even if we amended what we were feeling, I was still in a mixed orientation relationship and the weight that would follow. I would bring up how often he would say he would give it all up for me if I asked him to and some times he would try to suppress his urges, becoming depressive and angry during those times. The idea of staying was exasperating and each time I was more and more in tears.

I brought up his mentionings of suicide and how he said that if he died in a car accident, it would solve my problems in my life. He had never mentioned suicide up until that point and I lost my temper, telling him that that was not ok. At the moment I handled it poorly, but reactionary, I was furious. Glad he finally told me about it, but angry. Shortly after, I secured all firearms as he brought up the topic as a precautionary measure.

A friend reached out and offered a trip that would give me a chance to see family I had never met before but had been in contact with. I asked Pizza permission as flights at the time were cheap and I wanted his permission as this friend was male and I valued his opinion for it. His biggest concern was about the move as we were in the process of and I understood. I worked extra and got things around, allowing me time to make the trip. I hoped the break from things would help ease some of the tension and took a week jog south for a trip to Virginia and some of the surrounding areas.

The job I was at during the last 4 years of our marriage was in the process of branching out and moving locations and I had been in discussion with the supervisors of different job positions. When I was down on my trip I received news of a position down in Tennessee that was originally a temp position. I took it as a sign and worked with them to arrange a moving pod for as much as I could. I figured I would take the money saved from that position and move back out to Idaho. I figured if things were to cool down, I would move back.
I told Pizza about the job offer immediately after he picked me up from the airport from the trip. He was understandably angry.

We went home and a few days passed. I wanted to be open with him. He had been open with me about having feelings for another male friend of ours and I wanted to be open as well, expressing I thought I had feelings about the friend I went to see, but I wanted to tell him so he knew so we could move forward and grow closer together. Use very private feelings and information as a bonding thing to show how much I trusted him.. it was thrown back as a weapon, used constantly after. All of a sudden he's exclaiming "IT ALL MAKES SENSE" as if I was doing what I was doing to run away with someone else when in reality my love for him had been dying for months and I fought every angle I could to find the right path to keep it burning.

One night not long after he demanded I communicate with him and said I wasn't telling him my feelings. Shouted that he was going to make me do these things, even if it means he's doing the leg work for "the next guy". So I tried to communicate what I thought he thought I was holding back. Unloaded everything on my chest. Yet the arguments circled back to him. That's when I realized he wasn't going to listen even when he told me to talk to him. He took what I said as lies I've told myself. Excuses.

I got on a flight headed south and I filed for divorce not long after. He says he would have gone with me to the court house and cleared things that way quickly. Based off of his arguments about the topic prior I strongly doubted it. It wasn't the cleanest leave, but it was an opportunity and I took it. Some people looked at what I had written and told and they said that I wasn't leaving, I was escaping. They weren't wrong as that's how it felt. Escape.

I traveled first to meet up with some friends before traveling up to TN and settling in. I got messages and alerts shortly after about how Pizza and the family was looking into all of these details, reading heavily into things. Pizza seeing a fishing picture of mine claiming it was to show off a ring of mine in a certain direction (a ring I have worn the same for years and didn't hold to the meaning) when it was just a photo of me holding a fish He claimed it was to show off the fact I wasn't wearing my wedding ring. He looked into flight photos, tracking my flights and assessing pictures of airplanes. He tracked my assumed flights I took for conventions, to the point of online stalking me to "prove" where I was. I needed a place where people didn't know fully where I was so I could relax and grow and Tennessee was it. Yet here he was still trying to prove me the liar he felt I was.

They started saying they were looking into friends and who I was friends with, trying to connect dots and make statements about people who weren't directly involved. Talked about status changes of accounts that hadn't been touched in years. Tried tying history and false stories of other people with my own when they weren't related or had the full information about. Publicly making accusations that were borderline defamation and talking about personal details of my own that I didn't desire to have posted publicly.

My friends provided means and housing for me as I left, helping provide transportation to my final work location and even helping line up a new vehicle before my job was available a month after leaving and helped me set up the first storage unit location before driving back 7ish hours home. I made new friends in the area and got to know my new roommate since she and I worked at the same location. I'm very grateful for my previous supervisor for providing the connections he did.

I attended scheduled conventions, getting pulled aside by a few folks saying how I seem different. Happy. I explained loosely what was going on and they would nod, stating the past few years I seemed distant and not myself. I had never noticed prior till they mentioned. Had it really been that noticeable? The weight on my shoulders was easing a little and I was rediscovering who I was and who I wanted to be.

Then it came time for the court. When I filed originally, I had papers I sent to the court stating I didn't want alimony, he was to have the house, and to have me removed from the mortgage. I wasn't able to secure an attorney until a few days before the court hearing and during the discussions between my attorney and the Friend of the court, talks of the law surrounding Pizza's retirement funds and that I was legally entitled to them. I told them repeatedly it didn't feel right and that I wanted to waive my rights to them so we moved onward to the house. They mentioned he could buy me out of my interest (it would not have been much as the house was so new) and I figured that would allow me to pay my mom back for the down payment she helped us pay for.

This went back and forth over the course of a few months until decisions were made in January. His attorney approached us with an offer of the money for the house as well as a portion of Pizza's retirement. I was shocked and felt uncomfortable about it. I was assured that the judge is very strict by the law and would potentially award me more than what was offered if it wasn't offered initially. I knew I was leaving Pizza with a large financial burden and that was money he worked hard for over the course of the years working the jobs he did. The contract was finalized and on February 18th, everything was documented.

It's been a long journey from those 11 years on through. There's been a lot of lessons, a lot of growing, and a lot of pain. I don't wish any ill will on anyone for anything that's happened. Being gone for almost a year now has let me see what I had been going through. I have a lot of friends that provided me help and comfort through all of this. Made a lot of trips to see various things and do new things. I finally took my mom back to the Gulf of Mexico, something she hasn't seen in over 40 years. My new job team has been supportive and I've slowly rebuilt things from the ground up.

The job that was meant to be temporary as an optic specialist has turned into a full job and I decided to stay in the area. I questioned heavily for months if this was the right decision. If moving down and not trying was the right choice. I fought with myself and continued to question if it was the right choice until recently when I realized I would have still followed through and taken the job all over again. I kept quiet through the entirety of the divorce to be respectful to the parties involved as it was a personal thing. I have left a lot of personal details out for all parties out of respect still and will let people come to their own conclusions.