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Favorite Artists to Commission
nevets UserWithManyNames BloodInfestation OkamiBley Flasker and Others :)
Favorite People I Like to Adopt From
Diablo_En_Musica_92 Corvuspointer and Others :)
Fursonas & Original Characters I Have - Will Probably Never Need to Ask Outside Help On Comics or Pic Ideas
1. Shadow Evesong (Main Sona) - Wolf
2. Layos Evesong (Original Sona, little brother to Shadow) - Wolf
3. Prince Evergreen (Femboi) - Reindeer
4. Duke Ursus (Muscle Gutted Cunt Bear) - Polar Bear
5. Viktor Farsear (Little homeless 18-34 year old ((added note since some issues came up regarding this character, I've updated this sonas age in regards to the assumed character being a cub, he is not or will be no longer as I do not wish to ruin friendships simply because others assume so. Initially yes he started out as a cub but I've been updating his character refs since he HAD been my most used Sona but after the issues came up I'm no longer going to use this character if it starts ruining things for me or others)) - Black Panther
6. Grey Friar (Smaller then most my sonas but he makes up for it) - Fox
7. Tiger Troy (Modeling Sona) - Tiger
8. Zen Silverfang (Muscle gutted nudist) - Lion
9. Leo (The "doctor") - Lion
10. Nero (Twinkish twin brother to Leo) - Lion
11. George Minos (Bodybuilder an Blunt) - Bull
12. Mike Minos (Shy twin brother to George) - Bull
13. Gabriel Evesong (Shadow's Never before Seen alter ego) - Chimera/Wolf/Lion/Demon
14. Tydael (Adopted Sona I asked for on FB) - Lion
15. Endymion (Oc based on a white porcelain figurine my Dad gave me with gold stripes) - White Tiger
16. Michaelis (Oc I thought of during break at work) - Wolf-Bear
17. Kojishi (aka Koji, Younger kid brother of Leo an Nero, adopted oc) - Lion
18. Brisbayne (Jockish and full of himself) - Gray Wolf
19. Valtoryn (Shy, somewhat gaymer type) - White Lion
20. Bayne (Very protective of his friends) - Bear/Wolf Hybrid
21. Wolfie Evesong - Fun loving, childish cousin to Layos and Shadow) - Wolf
22. Zok (Magician/black magic user) - Black Cat
23. Kiryn (Genetically modified, he can do anything in the World of Furry) - Teal Colored Cat
24. Ryo (Born from a Royal Lineage, he rather live a city life than being pampered) - White Lion/Albino Wolf Hybrid
25. Alexander (Mostly sly and gets what he wants he isn't above blackmail) - Lion/Fox Hybrid
26. Leon - (Bodybuilder friend to George and Mike, Likes playing with kids over adults) - Wolf/Bear Hybrid
27. Puma - (A plushie loving to a fetish type of kinkster) - Lion
28. Zonza - (A manly beefcake type of sona) - Rabbit
29. Zerc'ses - (Unicorn horned sona that loves nature and nudity) - Unicorn horned Wolf
30. Yuma - (Hyper phallic and sona that makes a big mess) - Wolf
31. Vardyn Rah - (He's serious and has no sense of humor, likes giving "Go to Hell" looks) - Liger
32. Ulrok'towa Senju - (Also known as Towa or Juju, last of his tribal clan) - Tribal Black Lion
33. Ruben Yuki - (Loves PJ's and camping, helps Shadow and George with vacations) - Lion
34. Rah'ma - (Loves blue and wears feathers in his mane, tickles Viktor with them) - Brown Lion
35. Solen - (A scarification addict, he has scars on his cheeks and chest) - Lion
36. Kujo McCloud - (A manly and buff DILF that frequents with Mike when not with George) - Husky
37. Set'na - (A pyromaniac that likes Holidays too much) - White Lion
38. Lebanon Pride - (Nicknamed Titan for his large package, he works as a pole dancer) - Red Maned Lion
39. Umbral - (Likes the dark and has a gothic sense of humor, always trying to transition Viktor) - Shiny Umbreon
40. Orion - (Astral being his body is made of black matter and stars, Rarely talks verbally) - Spectral Panther
41. Ep'Leon Lionheart - (A single lovesick guy, who will try anything once) - Lion
42. Orpheus - (From Egypt, is fairly gothic and wields pyro magic) - Anubian Jackal
43. Takeru Tigre - (An MMA fighter that is gentle outside of the ring) - Tiger
44. Angelo De'Rosa - (A winged being that has a special connection to roses) - Winged Red Wolf
45. Aros Skyclaw - (Triple winged hybrid, was abandoned as a child for his unusual look) - Three Winged Liger
46. Libra Valentino - (Winged character that likes Violin and flying around while playing) - Winged Red Maned Lion
47. Nikyo Kitsunai - (Young sona that likes experimenting with other guys, near Viktors age) - Golden Fox
48. Mythos - (A young aspiring greek bodybuilder, likes Olympic sports) - Bull
49. Gosukei - (A sona that is older than he looks and acts younger too) - Three-tailed Wolf-Lion
50. Gale Whitewind - (Young character in his late teens that likes fashion) - Wolf
51. Haru - (An angst-ridden young guy that has a hard time saying how he feels) - Lion
52. Sapphrose - (Genetically Modified sona loves the ocean and wearing G-strings all the time) - Blue-furred Wolf
53. Kaynes Moon - (Silent, a gentle Giant sona, largest sona to date) - Kudu Horned wolf-lion Chimera
54. Lenyx - (Lion-like feline character I did in School) - Feline/Lion?
55. Rah'van - (A large sona that uses light magic, also has an interest in experimentation) - Tribal White Bull
56. Vah'tor - (Brother to Rah'van, Dark magic wielder that likes to be rough) - Tribal Black Bull
57. Neja - (Muscle-chub that loves getting attention, will do literally anything for a meat stick) - Tiger
58. Andros - (A wrestling coach, he's burly, hairy and has a huge package he frequently shows off) - Horse
59. Damian - (One of Viktor's school teachers, he's hyper-muscled and loves orgies in the locker room) - Rottweiler
60. Nanaru - (An ex-con, Roid gutted though he keeps out of trouble by helping out at the local beach) - Grizzly
61. Sheik - (Bodybuilder who moved to the area near Shadow's Condo. He's massive all over) - Siberian Tiger
62. Angel - (Football coach, Younger, buff, and gruff brother to Damian. He has an underwear fetish) - Rottweiler
63. Helix - (Roommate with Ryo, buff, hairy, he often has midnight fridge raids) - Labrador
64. Andre. - (The police chief that had arrested Nanaru, he often finds himself needing to shop for new clothing) - Draft Horse
65. Indus. - (Fitness instructor at my sonas favorite gym, he's short but smoll) - Raccoon
66. DJ Darkmane - (Thick guy that loves his food, and eating it off others.) - Lion
67. Cepheus - (Shadows boss's son, he's a beefcake and loves throwing his weight around) - Tanuki
68. Asteroth - (Frat party jock that is never seen in a shirt. Tends to like his music loud) - Reindeer
69. Xendrix - (Ex-con, and Nanaru's former cellmate, the two are dating, hairy, and thick) - Clydesdale
70. Enma - (The gym owner of Sona's favorite gym, a massive character that rarely finds clothing to fit) - Red Panda
71. Jericho - (Male escort at the night club Shadow works at. Muscle-gutted and is very loud during sex) - Lion
72. Thrasus - (The substitute/assistant football coach for when Angel is on leave, Near hyper-muscled) - Wolf-Behemoth
73. Haku - (A well known model that Troy met when he first signed on, Runs the Plus XL clothing line for muscle furs) - Ibex
74. Elias - (Secret Feeder Friend of DJ. He mostly pushes protein and always has food) - Hirsute Wolf
75. Jiji (JJ) - (A regular at the local gym and former fitness model, loves flexing at himself in mirrors) - Rabbit
76. Vayne - (Muscular, hairy new eye candy on the block, pool stud at local beach, Toy Fetishy) - Ferret
77. Zetsu - (Male escort at same night club with Jericho, has his own custom work attire) - Beefy Fox
78. Yukichi Tanuki - (Big balled guy that gives George and Yuma runs for batter output) - Tanuki
79. Xexex (Zee) - (Tattoo loving sona, Always looking to get new ones. He's a gruff daddy type) - White Lion
80. Metaeo - (Viking descent, he loves food and hitting the gym with his friends, rich but doesn't flaunt) - Unicorn
81. Ulevio - (A young tribal Chieftain from the Amazon, Viktor's long lost Uncle) - Black Panther
82. Ritoru Sora - (A young small boy, younger than Viktor that was in an accident) - Winged Gray Kitten/Spirit
83. Konrad De'Lupa - (A short stubby, hirsute type guy, has a thick gut and loves playing around) - Wolf
84. Baphomet Bali - (A demon of hell who refuses to leave, he's bored and looking for fun) - Ram Demon
85. Avalon - Undecided
86. Babylon - Undecided
87. Lebanon - Undecided
88. Hadad – Bull god of Thunder, Minokyn deity of planet Minos - Bull
89. Gerra – Bull god of Fire, Minokyn deity of planet Minos - Bull
90. Utu – Bull God of the Sun, Minokyn deity of planet Minos - Bull
91. Asaru – Light of the Gods, Son for Utu, Minokyn Demi-God of planet Minos - Bull
92. Anu – God of the Stars and Heaven/ Creator, Creator of the Multiverses - Unknown
93. Namtaru – God of Death, Minokyn Deity of the planet Minos - Bull
94. Garyk - (A meathead street smart thug always looking for a quick buck) - Tattooed Wolf
95. Yen - (Garyk's friend in crime, always together and lookout during back-alley fun) - Twink-muscle Grey Wolf
96. Zoltan Wildcaller - (Shifter that is often seen in only a loincloth or totally naked) - Horse/Horse Taur (Adopt)
97. Zerus Demicorn - (A demon equine taken a bipedal form, a servant of Bali) - Demon Unicorn (Adopt)
98. Auron Shadowstalker - (A K-9 unit operative that enjoys a smoke and often seen in clubs) - Wolf (Adopt)
99. Charles (Leaf) Leafrey - (Buff pokestud that knows how to have a good time in and out of clothes) - Leafeon (Adopt)
100. Daemos Ushteir - (A Buff stud that likes wearing silk Indian garb. He's a renowned belly dancer.) - Black Panther
101. Satoshi Yurashima - (Runs the local snack bar on the beach where sonas live, often promotes his own juice blends) - Panda
102. Mah'Mon Ravarice - (Treasurer for all of the cities major banks and owns several mines, always up for a deal) - Black Ram
103. Am'Duesius Ya'Vancor - (Russian descent, a powerlifter that works for the cities mafia/Yakuza/KGB, Enjoys pain - Unicorn
104. Aposiet Anjil'Mane -
105. Alocier Anjil'Mane -
106. Valeifaer Anjil'Mane -
Story Characters That Are Under Copyright Law for Book Series
Yes, every one of these characters are under copyright protection in some form be it name, or character design.
nevets UserWithManyNames BloodInfestation OkamiBley Flasker and Others :)
Favorite People I Like to Adopt From
Diablo_En_Musica_92 Corvuspointer and Others :)
Fursonas & Original Characters I Have - Will Probably Never Need to Ask Outside Help On Comics or Pic Ideas
1. Shadow Evesong (Main Sona) - Wolf
2. Layos Evesong (Original Sona, little brother to Shadow) - Wolf
3. Prince Evergreen (Femboi) - Reindeer
4. Duke Ursus (Muscle Gutted Cunt Bear) - Polar Bear
5. Viktor Farsear (Little homeless 18-34 year old ((added note since some issues came up regarding this character, I've updated this sonas age in regards to the assumed character being a cub, he is not or will be no longer as I do not wish to ruin friendships simply because others assume so. Initially yes he started out as a cub but I've been updating his character refs since he HAD been my most used Sona but after the issues came up I'm no longer going to use this character if it starts ruining things for me or others)) - Black Panther
6. Grey Friar (Smaller then most my sonas but he makes up for it) - Fox
7. Tiger Troy (Modeling Sona) - Tiger
8. Zen Silverfang (Muscle gutted nudist) - Lion
9. Leo (The "doctor") - Lion
10. Nero (Twinkish twin brother to Leo) - Lion
11. George Minos (Bodybuilder an Blunt) - Bull
12. Mike Minos (Shy twin brother to George) - Bull
13. Gabriel Evesong (Shadow's Never before Seen alter ego) - Chimera/Wolf/Lion/Demon
14. Tydael (Adopted Sona I asked for on FB) - Lion
15. Endymion (Oc based on a white porcelain figurine my Dad gave me with gold stripes) - White Tiger
16. Michaelis (Oc I thought of during break at work) - Wolf-Bear
17. Kojishi (aka Koji, Younger kid brother of Leo an Nero, adopted oc) - Lion
18. Brisbayne (Jockish and full of himself) - Gray Wolf
19. Valtoryn (Shy, somewhat gaymer type) - White Lion
20. Bayne (Very protective of his friends) - Bear/Wolf Hybrid
21. Wolfie Evesong - Fun loving, childish cousin to Layos and Shadow) - Wolf
22. Zok (Magician/black magic user) - Black Cat
23. Kiryn (Genetically modified, he can do anything in the World of Furry) - Teal Colored Cat
24. Ryo (Born from a Royal Lineage, he rather live a city life than being pampered) - White Lion/Albino Wolf Hybrid
25. Alexander (Mostly sly and gets what he wants he isn't above blackmail) - Lion/Fox Hybrid
26. Leon - (Bodybuilder friend to George and Mike, Likes playing with kids over adults) - Wolf/Bear Hybrid
27. Puma - (A plushie loving to a fetish type of kinkster) - Lion
28. Zonza - (A manly beefcake type of sona) - Rabbit
29. Zerc'ses - (Unicorn horned sona that loves nature and nudity) - Unicorn horned Wolf
30. Yuma - (Hyper phallic and sona that makes a big mess) - Wolf
31. Vardyn Rah - (He's serious and has no sense of humor, likes giving "Go to Hell" looks) - Liger
32. Ulrok'towa Senju - (Also known as Towa or Juju, last of his tribal clan) - Tribal Black Lion
33. Ruben Yuki - (Loves PJ's and camping, helps Shadow and George with vacations) - Lion
34. Rah'ma - (Loves blue and wears feathers in his mane, tickles Viktor with them) - Brown Lion
35. Solen - (A scarification addict, he has scars on his cheeks and chest) - Lion
36. Kujo McCloud - (A manly and buff DILF that frequents with Mike when not with George) - Husky
37. Set'na - (A pyromaniac that likes Holidays too much) - White Lion
38. Lebanon Pride - (Nicknamed Titan for his large package, he works as a pole dancer) - Red Maned Lion
39. Umbral - (Likes the dark and has a gothic sense of humor, always trying to transition Viktor) - Shiny Umbreon
40. Orion - (Astral being his body is made of black matter and stars, Rarely talks verbally) - Spectral Panther
41. Ep'Leon Lionheart - (A single lovesick guy, who will try anything once) - Lion
42. Orpheus - (From Egypt, is fairly gothic and wields pyro magic) - Anubian Jackal
43. Takeru Tigre - (An MMA fighter that is gentle outside of the ring) - Tiger
44. Angelo De'Rosa - (A winged being that has a special connection to roses) - Winged Red Wolf
45. Aros Skyclaw - (Triple winged hybrid, was abandoned as a child for his unusual look) - Three Winged Liger
46. Libra Valentino - (Winged character that likes Violin and flying around while playing) - Winged Red Maned Lion
47. Nikyo Kitsunai - (Young sona that likes experimenting with other guys, near Viktors age) - Golden Fox
48. Mythos - (A young aspiring greek bodybuilder, likes Olympic sports) - Bull
49. Gosukei - (A sona that is older than he looks and acts younger too) - Three-tailed Wolf-Lion
50. Gale Whitewind - (Young character in his late teens that likes fashion) - Wolf
51. Haru - (An angst-ridden young guy that has a hard time saying how he feels) - Lion
52. Sapphrose - (Genetically Modified sona loves the ocean and wearing G-strings all the time) - Blue-furred Wolf
53. Kaynes Moon - (Silent, a gentle Giant sona, largest sona to date) - Kudu Horned wolf-lion Chimera
54. Lenyx - (Lion-like feline character I did in School) - Feline/Lion?
55. Rah'van - (A large sona that uses light magic, also has an interest in experimentation) - Tribal White Bull
56. Vah'tor - (Brother to Rah'van, Dark magic wielder that likes to be rough) - Tribal Black Bull
57. Neja - (Muscle-chub that loves getting attention, will do literally anything for a meat stick) - Tiger
58. Andros - (A wrestling coach, he's burly, hairy and has a huge package he frequently shows off) - Horse
59. Damian - (One of Viktor's school teachers, he's hyper-muscled and loves orgies in the locker room) - Rottweiler
60. Nanaru - (An ex-con, Roid gutted though he keeps out of trouble by helping out at the local beach) - Grizzly
61. Sheik - (Bodybuilder who moved to the area near Shadow's Condo. He's massive all over) - Siberian Tiger
62. Angel - (Football coach, Younger, buff, and gruff brother to Damian. He has an underwear fetish) - Rottweiler
63. Helix - (Roommate with Ryo, buff, hairy, he often has midnight fridge raids) - Labrador
64. Andre. - (The police chief that had arrested Nanaru, he often finds himself needing to shop for new clothing) - Draft Horse
65. Indus. - (Fitness instructor at my sonas favorite gym, he's short but smoll) - Raccoon
66. DJ Darkmane - (Thick guy that loves his food, and eating it off others.) - Lion
67. Cepheus - (Shadows boss's son, he's a beefcake and loves throwing his weight around) - Tanuki
68. Asteroth - (Frat party jock that is never seen in a shirt. Tends to like his music loud) - Reindeer
69. Xendrix - (Ex-con, and Nanaru's former cellmate, the two are dating, hairy, and thick) - Clydesdale
70. Enma - (The gym owner of Sona's favorite gym, a massive character that rarely finds clothing to fit) - Red Panda
71. Jericho - (Male escort at the night club Shadow works at. Muscle-gutted and is very loud during sex) - Lion
72. Thrasus - (The substitute/assistant football coach for when Angel is on leave, Near hyper-muscled) - Wolf-Behemoth
73. Haku - (A well known model that Troy met when he first signed on, Runs the Plus XL clothing line for muscle furs) - Ibex
74. Elias - (Secret Feeder Friend of DJ. He mostly pushes protein and always has food) - Hirsute Wolf
75. Jiji (JJ) - (A regular at the local gym and former fitness model, loves flexing at himself in mirrors) - Rabbit
76. Vayne - (Muscular, hairy new eye candy on the block, pool stud at local beach, Toy Fetishy) - Ferret
77. Zetsu - (Male escort at same night club with Jericho, has his own custom work attire) - Beefy Fox
78. Yukichi Tanuki - (Big balled guy that gives George and Yuma runs for batter output) - Tanuki
79. Xexex (Zee) - (Tattoo loving sona, Always looking to get new ones. He's a gruff daddy type) - White Lion
80. Metaeo - (Viking descent, he loves food and hitting the gym with his friends, rich but doesn't flaunt) - Unicorn
81. Ulevio - (A young tribal Chieftain from the Amazon, Viktor's long lost Uncle) - Black Panther
82. Ritoru Sora - (A young small boy, younger than Viktor that was in an accident) - Winged Gray Kitten/Spirit
83. Konrad De'Lupa - (A short stubby, hirsute type guy, has a thick gut and loves playing around) - Wolf
84. Baphomet Bali - (A demon of hell who refuses to leave, he's bored and looking for fun) - Ram Demon
85. Avalon - Undecided
86. Babylon - Undecided
87. Lebanon - Undecided
88. Hadad – Bull god of Thunder, Minokyn deity of planet Minos - Bull
89. Gerra – Bull god of Fire, Minokyn deity of planet Minos - Bull
90. Utu – Bull God of the Sun, Minokyn deity of planet Minos - Bull
91. Asaru – Light of the Gods, Son for Utu, Minokyn Demi-God of planet Minos - Bull
92. Anu – God of the Stars and Heaven/ Creator, Creator of the Multiverses - Unknown
93. Namtaru – God of Death, Minokyn Deity of the planet Minos - Bull
94. Garyk - (A meathead street smart thug always looking for a quick buck) - Tattooed Wolf
95. Yen - (Garyk's friend in crime, always together and lookout during back-alley fun) - Twink-muscle Grey Wolf
96. Zoltan Wildcaller - (Shifter that is often seen in only a loincloth or totally naked) - Horse/Horse Taur (Adopt)
97. Zerus Demicorn - (A demon equine taken a bipedal form, a servant of Bali) - Demon Unicorn (Adopt)
98. Auron Shadowstalker - (A K-9 unit operative that enjoys a smoke and often seen in clubs) - Wolf (Adopt)
99. Charles (Leaf) Leafrey - (Buff pokestud that knows how to have a good time in and out of clothes) - Leafeon (Adopt)
100. Daemos Ushteir - (A Buff stud that likes wearing silk Indian garb. He's a renowned belly dancer.) - Black Panther
101. Satoshi Yurashima - (Runs the local snack bar on the beach where sonas live, often promotes his own juice blends) - Panda
102. Mah'Mon Ravarice - (Treasurer for all of the cities major banks and owns several mines, always up for a deal) - Black Ram
103. Am'Duesius Ya'Vancor - (Russian descent, a powerlifter that works for the cities mafia/Yakuza/KGB, Enjoys pain - Unicorn
104. Aposiet Anjil'Mane -
105. Alocier Anjil'Mane -
106. Valeifaer Anjil'Mane -
Story Characters That Are Under Copyright Law for Book Series
Yes, every one of these characters are under copyright protection in some form be it name, or character design.
Featured Submission
Stats
Comments Earned: 1177
Comments Made: 1134
Journals: 40
Comments Made: 1134
Journals: 40
Featured Journal
Feeling Alone and Invisible
3 months ago
I know this most likely my depression more than anything.
Just a warning in case those who like being assholes want to try and invalidate how I feel right now.
I have a huge tendency to bottle my feelings to the point of it exploding. This was especially bad when I was younger and didn't know how to compartmentalize my feelings like I do now. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve and was a lot more happy and expressive. I looked forward to a lot of things, going out, being with family and what few friends I did have. When I was truely happy, would share my interests with family and friends. Would play games and laugh with people I enjoyed being around.
I'd go out of my way to make sure others around me where happy, taken care of, their house stayed clean if I was staying over. Made sure they were paid for gas if I asked to hang out or we'd go places we liked to visit. I would even help with groceries at times for friends, help out with their bills if they were a little short cause it made me happy.
Loved to draw and would spend hours looking online for brushes to use for GIMP, would post hundreds of little pixel art and drawings each month.
Met my first ex online, he was a mistake to date and showed me just how stupid I was to openly trust him. Things were great at first but then the body shaming, and comments saying that he didnt want to be seen with me in public because I was fat and he wanted to be a bodybuilder, something he knew I hated. I went so far as to lose more than 50 lbs to gain back his affections but it didnt matter. He'd already moved on from me to another guy. They taught me just how easy it was to hurt someone and how easy it was to let someone go.
Met my second ex online, he started out better than first and our relationship lasted about the same. But at the end of it he let slip his true intentions with me as he never really wanted me from the start. Told me that it was all a long game for him just wanting to see how far i was willing to go to please him even though I'd get nothing from him in the end.
I started building walls, hardened my heart and lessened my emotions, shared less about my interests with people around me. I even started setting by myself and only focused on my work when I was on the job. All the friends I had up until this point disappeared, we no longer talk or hang out. Their words to me were that I was too emotional, complained about everything and only did these things for attention.
People at work and current friends I talk to tell me that I'm always getting angry about topics when Im simply asking a question to better understand a situation. That im trying to start arguments, or the flip side that Im not communicating enough with them and that I should be more open.
I've nearly stopped talking at work in recent weeks, and have been avoid as much contact with customers and other associates as I possibly can. I sit by myself to avoid conversations with people who have expressed complaints or gossip. I like my alone time but at the same time I feel so alone even though im surrounded by so many people every day.
Every time I share my interests or something I really enjoyed with siblings or coworkers they change the subject and turn away from me to fade back into the walls.
I stop talking and just walk away, theres no longer a reason or point to continue wasting my time, energy, and feelings on people who dont care.
I feel myself having gone emotionally numb from being set aside. My chest hurts some days from all the bottled up words I havent been able to say... or the emotions I can no longer express.
More and more I feel used and sometimes invisible to the people around me. The only time anyone notices is when I get angry.
Just a warning in case those who like being assholes want to try and invalidate how I feel right now.
I have a huge tendency to bottle my feelings to the point of it exploding. This was especially bad when I was younger and didn't know how to compartmentalize my feelings like I do now. I used to wear my heart on my sleeve and was a lot more happy and expressive. I looked forward to a lot of things, going out, being with family and what few friends I did have. When I was truely happy, would share my interests with family and friends. Would play games and laugh with people I enjoyed being around.
I'd go out of my way to make sure others around me where happy, taken care of, their house stayed clean if I was staying over. Made sure they were paid for gas if I asked to hang out or we'd go places we liked to visit. I would even help with groceries at times for friends, help out with their bills if they were a little short cause it made me happy.
Loved to draw and would spend hours looking online for brushes to use for GIMP, would post hundreds of little pixel art and drawings each month.
Met my first ex online, he was a mistake to date and showed me just how stupid I was to openly trust him. Things were great at first but then the body shaming, and comments saying that he didnt want to be seen with me in public because I was fat and he wanted to be a bodybuilder, something he knew I hated. I went so far as to lose more than 50 lbs to gain back his affections but it didnt matter. He'd already moved on from me to another guy. They taught me just how easy it was to hurt someone and how easy it was to let someone go.
Met my second ex online, he started out better than first and our relationship lasted about the same. But at the end of it he let slip his true intentions with me as he never really wanted me from the start. Told me that it was all a long game for him just wanting to see how far i was willing to go to please him even though I'd get nothing from him in the end.
I started building walls, hardened my heart and lessened my emotions, shared less about my interests with people around me. I even started setting by myself and only focused on my work when I was on the job. All the friends I had up until this point disappeared, we no longer talk or hang out. Their words to me were that I was too emotional, complained about everything and only did these things for attention.
People at work and current friends I talk to tell me that I'm always getting angry about topics when Im simply asking a question to better understand a situation. That im trying to start arguments, or the flip side that Im not communicating enough with them and that I should be more open.
I've nearly stopped talking at work in recent weeks, and have been avoid as much contact with customers and other associates as I possibly can. I sit by myself to avoid conversations with people who have expressed complaints or gossip. I like my alone time but at the same time I feel so alone even though im surrounded by so many people every day.
Every time I share my interests or something I really enjoyed with siblings or coworkers they change the subject and turn away from me to fade back into the walls.
I stop talking and just walk away, theres no longer a reason or point to continue wasting my time, energy, and feelings on people who dont care.
I feel myself having gone emotionally numb from being set aside. My chest hurts some days from all the bottled up words I havent been able to say... or the emotions I can no longer express.
More and more I feel used and sometimes invisible to the people around me. The only time anyone notices is when I get angry.
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