~ryoku7

Hey everyone,

It's been a long, long time since I've updated anything on here. I've been going through alot of changes, and many have been good while others not so much. Wanted to give an update though since some still are looking for me and I greatly appreciate that. I won't sugarcoat things, my mental health has been awful and I have some explaining to do.

The start.

2020 hit me hard, I'm normally a paranoid person, overly protective, and even whan i tinker in my workshop or leave the house I double, and triple check just about everything. This is annoying but not always beneficial. But when the pandemic hit my home state I was terrified of everything and everyone. The electrical company I worked for tried to keep jobs running during the start of the pandemic, and in a typical "Macho" construction industry 98% could have cared less and didn't mask, distance, or work at protecting one-another. I tried my best to stay safe, sanitizing, masked, distancing but it was never enough to feel safe at my electrician job. My boss kept promising me job sites where only a few people were working and this was always a lie. After many arguments about my safety, nearly reporting our practices to OSHA, and a panic attack later on-site I was eventually and unexpectedly fired. The worst part was he had hired a "helper" which i was training for a month or so and little did I know he was replacing me. This lead to me being unemployed and aimless.

Unemployment.

I spent over six months looking for a job. I begged for unemployment wages like the rest of the world, had to defer our mortgage payments, and did my best to stay home. The constant state of bad news, deaths, and the aimless feeling wore on me during this time. We didn't have money, barely enough to eat and keep bills paid, all the while I was searching for jobs that didn't put me at risk of exposure. I had alot of free time, but the depression and fear kept me secluded and I turned inward into small projects and house fixes I could afford. What help I could get was from my parents, which was humiliating.
During all of this my father was a denier of the pandemic, fiercely political, and fought to belittle me for my cautiousness. Making fun of me for masking, talking down to me and repeating conspiracy theories. In the end, he got Covid, gave it to my mom and for a few weeks they were actually scared for their lives. Even after learning a small lesson the damage however to our relationship was already done. This lasted for months. In the middle of things while still looking for a job I had a friend call me needing some house renovations. It was private, under the table electrical work and gave me some actual money to dig us out of our hole. About the time my side job wrapped up I was finally hired by someone new. Which was a godsend given that my unemployment money was just about to run out.

2021.

I lost this year, like truly, cannot remember anything relevant aside from my grandmother dying. The new job worked out great for awhile. I moved from doing hard construction field work to managing a small warehouse. My new role was to manage a counter-sales and speak with electricians and maintenance men, fetch parts, spec electrical parts and tools etc. Honestly it was working out great, my knees and joints were less sore than usual and I was out of life-threatening danger doing high ladder work. During 2021 I worked, and worked, and worked. Put in long hours and tried to keep me and Sunny on the path to stability again. This was what I did in 2021, I had no energy for anything else. With the return of conventions we were tempted to see everyone again but the risk was still too great for us.

2022.

In March my job changed dramatically when a co-worker who had been managing the counter ( for 20 years ) left. This created a gap in coverage and for the last 9 months I've been working 10 hour days in what used to be an easy job. I manage the job of two people now, shipping, receiving semi trucks, writing orders, answering emails, phone, and still walking people through their projects. I come home mentally and physically exhausted each night from micro panic attacks and exertion. Some days I show up to work and there's a line of cars outside of grumpy electricians. Being i'm the only one, I have to spend time with them individually, be 100% accurate on their orders and ignore the sighs, protests and complaints as they wait sometimes up to 20-30 minutes for me to get down the line of 4-5 others to them. I'm tired... So very tired...

Now.

I'm overworked. Unhealthy, and kinda broken. We have medical bills piling up and i'm usually too exhausted to work on basic household chores. Despite all of this I'm doing my best to stay optimistic. Most of my leisure time has been devoted to rebuilding old computers and trying to find some joy in retrogaming.

As of creative pursuits, I've had alot of trouble getting into the right mindset to focus. Getting time alone with hours at my disposal is not a luxury I have anymore. Streaming is something I may start doing again but slowly and in small bursts. At the moment I can't draw, even picking up a pencil fills me with so much anxiety and dread. Could be imposter syndrome, could be my expectations for myself are too high. I always *want* to draw and create but quickly abandon what I start from embarrassment. For fear of disappointing my remaining fans I've remained silent here. I didn't want to keep making apology posts and have nothing new artwise to show in return. I do miss everyone though, and it makes me so happy to see you all enjoying my past work here.

Currently I have some new work posted to my twitter https://twitter.com/redhygog
but it's mostly reposts or sketches when I do have anything to show.


A Book?

On a positive note I am working towards a dream I've had for many years of publishing my first book. Since I spend over an hour in travel time each day for work I'm consuming science fiction novels rapidly via audiobook. The inspirations of my favorite books have coalesced with my love of drawing machines and technical art. This has been where all of my creative energy has been spent for the last three years and continues to go when I get moments of clarity. Between my lunch breaks at work, waiting rooms at the doctor, mechanics, and any spare moment I can get into the zone I have been writing this book. It's been my labor of love and kind of my opus that has been carrying me through these rough times.

{ Astray }
The book title is Astray and I've been posting the project openly to twitter while I continue work on it. Currently it is a proper novel size at 9 completed chapters, aiming for 12-13 and 110k words. The book is science fiction and features a race of shapeshifting lions stranded on a planet with ties to a spacefaring ancestry. It will feature many tribal, cyberpunk, and dark themes, including sentient AI, lost technology, and some mingling of alien species including humans.

I am always desperately seeking new readers to help critique, review, and assist me with this project as I need feedback to refine it. Any feedback is greatly appreciated as I continue on this path and try to bring a new story into the world. Please check out:
https://twitter.com/astrayofficial
on twitter if you would like to help and get a first glimpse of what's been my passion project. I have plans for a sequel after the first book too, but I need support and encouragement to keep me going.

If you made it this far I appreciate your perseverance. If I can remember to, or get the courage I will try to post some sketches here from what I have done, including sketches and designs from the book project.

Thank you everyone, seriously, for reaching out to me and showing that you care. I read every message, smile at every favorite and follow, and earnestly want to rejoin this fandom. In time I hope to be working less and welcome you all back into my streams, making goofy huge musclefurs, detailed tech, and doofy art of Ryoku or the gentle giant Prodigy <3

I will be at MFF this year, sporting some new merch and I may be doing Ych comissions. More on this later.

Love you all,

___ Blue ___