~pasterz

I'm reading what people say. Here, on FB, on various other places. I ask myself what to write sometimes, to get attention from others.

Yeah, I do feel alone sometimes, I know I'm not best at sparking and maintaining any form of a conversation or even - staying in touch with people I like. Probably, part of a reason, is that with my mood swings I don't want to be a bother to those I care for. It's like - hey, I know I'm in some kind of a depression and noone loves me (sic! I wrote that), but I'm not going to rub my down mood in your face.

I had my montly singing exam recently. I got several comments, some constructive criticism, but what fell into my mind most is - "You're too big to be submissive. True submissives are 30 kg lighter! (30 kg is somewhat around 60 lbs)". I wonder how much of truth is it in there. Is your submissiveness level somehow related to your body structure? And if so - to what extent?

Hey, I also seen people advertising their suicide. Some time ago, on FB, one of my friends started to post how sad she is, and how she causes problems, and that evolved into a simple - "I'm going to end your problems once and for all. Goodbye cruel world." Apart from the said being completely against your instincts, and is the most egocentric way of seeing the world - what do you expect from posting it in public? A wall of please-nos? Is it really your biggest problem that you are posting it on Facebook so eagerly? Or is it just some kind of attention-whoring YET again, so that people see how of a poor girl you are and take pity over you? I know - make a contest how you should do it.

I'm depressed. I can be a bother, I can cut myself off from people. Hey, I feel like I'm losing contact with my best friends... I want them to know I'm keeping them in my hearts, even if I'm not good at saying it clearly. But I'm not gonna beg for the attention by posting how I'm going to end with myself...

Just for clarification - I'm not trying to laugh or down-look at people who really do have problems that make them think about the Ultimate. But I want to believe that they are living their tragedy inside them, and don't want to make a show out of it. I trust that they cling to their true friends, who will know that something is up without them having to post it on their facebook wall.