~OllieBean

I just wanna get some thoughts off my chest, so here we go.

I’m starting to be more honest with myself that I have pretty severe depression. Something I’ve gone to therapy for, but have never really been medicated for: for a variety of reasons. However, after the past three years, I’ve come far too close to ending my own life on multiple occasions. And even then, I’ve never sought the level of care I truly need. I’ve just lived assuming I’d end myself in the next year or so. This state of perpetually assuming you’re going to die, so you don’t do or chase anything because what’s the point? Is like functionally being dead while alive. And it’s the endgame I’ve let myself reach, and stay in for years now.

Hopefully, not anymore. I’m trying to be more honest with myself.

I love art, and I know something in me loves making art. But I don’t know how to do it for myself. Or, I've forgotten how. Most of the smutty stuff I’ve put out is more stuff I think my friends would enjoy. I’m into what I write, don’t get me wrong. But it’s all stuff I’m more making for my friends than myself. It’s a finger trap of not having fun making art so I don’t create it, then feeling even worse because I’m not creating. So, I’m gonna try to loosen up and just put out sketches and stuff. Make art that’s much rawer, more to the point.

And if you are one of my friends who enjoys my work, I hope this doesn’t make you feel bad. I love ya’ll and you’re legit the reason I’m still around. Thanks for liking my stuff.

AI, certain world events, my health, blah blah blah. All things that have held me down for a long time. I feel like I’ve lost a few years, no doubt. But I’m also reaching the ‘fuck it’ point where I know I’m gonna keep myself here for the long haul and I’m gearing up to get back into the swing of things. I used to be highly competitive. It wasn’t healthy, but it forced me to attack everything with all I had, even if I usually burned out quickly. I’m gonna go back to therapy more focused, and try to actually get that fire back in a healthy way.

Will I make oodles of money drawing furry dicks? No, but I want to get good at doing it, not for followers or attention. But for me, because I want to.

Feels good to vent a bit. Thanks for reading. Hopefully this ages well. See you soon at MFF ❤️