~Lysergia

I had a major accomplishment with my mental health - I managed to pull myself out of an impending mental breakdown and actually solve the problem at hand, for probably the first time I can recall. All on my own.

Basically, I was missing Forest/SpottedSqueak, and started worrying about things like 'would he have liked me if we had met' and such. And it began eating me up, filling me with regret for never having been brave enough to reach out to him.
But then I managed to pull back to look at the situation, and I realized - It doesn't matter. I shouldn't be seeking approval anyways, but especially not speculative approval from someone deceased. It's not at all healthy to think like that, and... I stopped myself.
Reminded myself that there's never going to be a definitive answer one way or another in this lifetime, and any speculation is just going to lead to more worries, and I need to just accept the fact that he probably didn't know I existed as I never spoke to him, and thus he had no opinion of me at the time of his death. And all the 'would have', 'could have', 'should have' stuff needs to not worry me. I need to focus on 'is' not 'if'.
And... It felt like a great weight lifted from my chest when I came to that conclusion. And my mind just accepted it all and quit worrying, pretty much immediately.

I was typing out all my thoughts in a chat with a friend, but they were mostly keeping quiet letting me get my thoughts out, so really it was more me saying stuff out loud to myself. And... I figured it out on my own.

I ended up becoming extremely emotional, in a good way, because... This was the first time I can remember being able to actually help myself out instead of specifically needing to rely on someone else.
26 years on this planet, and... I actually did it.
I'm healing.
I was able to be there for myself.
I'm so, so proud of myself. It's such a huge, huge accomplishment for me. I never thought it would be possible, but... I did it.
I was so happy. It's such a massive step, but it means so much to me.

I specifically asked some people he had been close to, should I ever slip up and ask them if they think he would have liked me, to not answer the question and to remind me it doesn't matter. And I don't want to or need to hear any speculation about what he may have done had things played out differently - I need to stay grounded with reality and how things -did- ultimately play out.

But yeah... Very triumphant moment for me. I'm healing, one step at a time, and I'm actually making tangible progress with it. I never thought I'd reach this point, and honestly, I'm a bit excited to see where things go next.