~kory_sos

hi. kory's here. I suppose this will be a bit of a long post about what's happening to me and why I was absent and could not finish some commissions for more than two years.


first of all, I want to apologize once again to all the customers whom I ignored, although I have already talked to them personally, finished everything and gave their commissions to almost everyone (there is still one person who deleted their page and I don't know how to reach them bc of it) I still feel like I should write this post. I had to do this for a long time (I planned it last year), but because of the heaviest anxiety and fear, I could not open this site, because I knew how badly I did and how right were those people who wrote to me that I was a scammer and that I just ran away with money and did not draw anything to anyone. I never wanted to be a scammer and I felt very bad from realizing how I fckd up. I don't know if someone wrote about me somewhere on forums and added me to some blacklists with artists who deceive people, but I understand that I deserved it anyway. I also want you all to know that I'm not trying to beg for pity and make excuses, not at all. I am just writing uh facts? I don't know.

I am aware that something is wrong with my mental health, I tried to get psychiatric help, but in our city it is absolutely useless and the pills I drank for a while gave me only unpleasant side effects. unfortunately, I don't work and I can't afford more expensive pills and a normal examination in another city. but my possible diagnosis is an anxiety-depressive disorder, perhaps adhd, honestly I have no idea. maybe something worse lol. analyzing my behavior, I can assume that I've been suffering from some kind of disorder all my life and it literally prevents me from living, working and interacting with people normally. and again, I don't wanna sound like I'm begging for pity, it's just what it is.

despite my problems, I fully deserved all the hate and negative comments in my direction. but to be honest in the end I just want to draw. I can't do anything else, and this is my only way of earning money that I would still like to use...
I do not know if there are people here who will want to order commissions from me after all this situation where I could not do my job for more than two years, but I really would not want to just quit drawing and never taking commission again because I simply have no other way of earning money, and I don't want to live forever on someone else's money, which is not so much anyway. the only thing I can do to, uh, restore people's trust (if someone cares at all, maybe everyone has forgotten about me at all and this post will look super stupid lol) is to take commissions with payment after I draw them in order to motivate myself, and so that people don't think that I will just take the money and go into the sunset. I don't want that at all, and I never wanted. unfortunately or fortunately, I am very much concerned about the opinion of people about me, and I am worried about my future life as an artist here. I really want to draw for myself and for people, but I'm just really ashamed to come back, because I feel very bad after what I did.
maybe I look stupid, I don't know. maybe nobody really cares about me and I just need to learn from my mistakes and move on, but apparently I'm too mentally ill for that.

I'm going to post some of the commissions from my to-do list as soon as I posted this to confirm my words that I drew them (I finished almost everything last year)
thanks to everyone who read this post. most likely I could write something else and in more detail, but it's hard for me to form all my thoughts (especially in english, even with a translator it's difficult for me). thanks again and sorry. I really hope I can just post my artworks here again, but it feels so wrong.
at least my anxiety decreased while I was typing this