~Kage6415

It is definitely a sobering moment when you realize that you've spent enough money on commissions in the last 3 years that you could actually wipe out half of your debt currently owed... and actually accounts for a non-insignificant amount of said debt.

After tallying up all the invoices through PayPal for commission payments in just the last 3 years, I have found that I have spent over $5,600.00 on commissioning artwork. Bear in mind that this is for PayPal only and I have used a couple of alternative means to pay for commissions which easily puts this figure over the $6,000.00 mark. Why am I letting this be known? Simply put, this is meant to be a cautionary tale.

I have struggled with my identity in real life for years. I've always felt that I never fit in anywhere whether in school, work, parties, hell even to an extent, my own family. Being a part of this community, even if only online, has given me a means to reinvent myself however I see fit. Do I wish I were more physically fit? Hell yes, lets make myself a big hunky tiger boi. Wishing I could be more in touch with my feminine side? You betcha! Let's make a feminine version! Wish I had the confidence to be everyone's fantasy stud? Fuck. Yes. Let's create a stallion! Before I knew it, I had already accrued 6 different characters and/or variations and of course all of them needed the same love and attention I had given to my original sona.

Life hasn't exactly been an easy ride for me but one thing that always seemed to provide me with some temporary relief was commissioning artwork. The rush of winning an auction, the anticipation of waiting for a commissions' completion, the sense of accomplishment in getting a slot from my favorite artists, the admiration of others... It was all too intoxicating and provided a relief that I was so desperately trying to find at the time. Commissioning artwork was my addiction. As soon as payday would roll around I already had at least one or two commissions or auctions lined up. Then while between paychecks, if I found, say, a YCH piece that I just absolutely had to have or an artist had since opened up for commissions, I would just throw it on a credit card and lie to myself saying "Oh I'll pay it off the next paycheck." Which... of course... never really quite worked out that way...

And of course, like any drug or addiction, that momentary high, that release of those sweet, sweet endorphins, is only temporary and pretty soon I found myself right back where I was, feeling empty and hollow.

Please understand, I'm not looking for sympathy here. This was 100% my own fault and I cannot blame anyone but myself for the situation I had placed myself in. I'm simply sharing my story in the hopes that other people who may be going through the same vicious cycle I have been for several years can finally take a step back and evaluate their own situation.

I had realized earlier this year just how bad my spending habits have become and have decided to severely curb my spending on commissions and to focus on paying down my debt. But to be perfectly blunt, I had failed. Hard. Inexcusably so. I had still managed to spend well over $1,000.00 in commissions this year alone. Although I have only uploaded a single commission this year, I am still sitting on several more that I had just simply not uploaded yet and to be perfectly honest, as disgusted as I am with myself, I may never upload those commissions and that's even counting a handful I had finally received after waiting for them for several years.

As a result of all of this, I have decided to auction off one of my fursonas, Kalypso, the stallion hybrid to put it towards some of the debt that I now owe. At the risk of sounding like Marie Kondo, he hasn't sparked joy in me for quite some time now so I feel it's time to give him to a better home where someone else can give him some better love and attention. This is also why I have decided to remove all of my Patreon and Subscribestar subscriptions.

Like I've said, I'm not looking for sympathy. I only have myself to blame for the situation I had placed myself in. My only hope is that by sharing my story, I can maybe help someone else realize that maybe they have a problem as well that bears evaluating.

I wish everyone a Happy Holiday and Happy New Year. Here's to a better year and a better outlook on life.