~JedaySkayVoker

Hello, everyone . You know, I don't do the journals often, but this one is important.
Many of you noticed me being almost inactive this November, drawing only 1 week of 4 and pausing all my big comics. Going to tell you what happened, even though it's not a pleasant story. People say I should put trigger warnings on stuff, so here it is - one person has commited a suicide below. Not me.

I have been in a relationship with a russian guy Dry_Land for 8 years. We have moved to Montenegro together. So, 7th November we broke up, and initiative was mine. Not going to dive deep into details, I will just say that many factors, our interactions and stresses caused by big world events made me feel this relationship burdensome. Instead of love and being loved, I felt burned out and unhappy, so I decided to be honest with him about it.

We broke up like two regular people - tears, some arguing, some alcohol. After 4 days we managed to talk like the two adults should and agreed to stay friends. I let him live in my house until 6th December (its when his visa expires), we both were looking for a job for him (he wasn't working and he didn't know English which made it harder) and a new apartment. And we have found this all, prepared his documents too. He had to start working 26th November. I ve also provided him money to fly back to Russia if he changes his mind.

We were living in separate rooms, chatting like friends, doing our own stuff. I started to feel it's getting better, until 24th November - that Sunday he killed himself by hanging himself in my bathroom. I figured what I may find there while breaking the lock, and that picture is still staying in front of me. He made it during my art stream to make sure I won't notice it earlier than needed, and, judging by his bank card history, he had it prepared since 11th November (3 days after the break up). All the last week I was dealing with the police, the emergency, the morgue, the ritual agency, and what's least pleasant - an embassy of Russian Federation, which not even didn't provide any instructions, but was also slowing down the process. Our fucking country has never treated us well, why should I be surprised...

In any case, the situation is solved now. My mother came here to support me, body goes back to Russia and I have moved to the new place, which is nicer than my old one. I see nightmares, I am afraid of closed doors and I am going to seek the psychologist's help. But I also know: it will be okay, I am not alone, because I have my relatives, my close friends and my discord server which I love to the bottom of my heart.

I drew some conclusions from this story: you can't fix a person, no matter how long and how hard you try; if someone talks about a suicide often and rejects help offers - it is the dead end and you must leave; it's very important to not focus on one person - you must have your own hobbies and friends to maintain your life; and the most important one is - routines and labour heal you.

Now, when everything is settled, I am starting to collect my life back, from pieces. And I know I will make it eventually. Soon you will see the gay arts posted, commissions opened and gay comics continued! Thank you for staying with me and for your understanding! 💚