~FRUSHA

It so happened that for almost three months I did not take medications and was actually quite in a deplorable depressed state. This may sound strange, because some time ago I wrote that I was getting better and I was starting a course of treatment. Well... in fact, I really felt better for a while...

Eventually I fell back into the pit called "Why am I even trying, I'd rather just give up and let things take their course."
In fact, it happens every time I try to start treatment and get back on my feet. After such difficult and unpleasant periods, I very often notice what exactly is wrong with my life. Now my main problem is completely destroyed self—esteem.
It has quite deep roots from childhood, it was fueled by the people around me, and I myself began to believe that I was just a loser, unworthy of even a bit of love. It prevents me from living, working, and being a full-fledged person. I don't remember a moment when I was really pleased with myself. Every time I sit down to draw, I just can't stifle self-criticism, it always seems to me that I'm not trying hard enough, that I'm a bad artist, a bad person. I stop drawing over and over again because I want to drown out this inner critical voice, at least for a while. I feel depressed all the time, for the most part I don't live, I just exist, I have so many inner fears and self-doubt... Sometimes it seems to me that I am simply not able to live in this world, that I am more in the way of others and wasting other people's resources.

Somewhere inside myself, I began to realize how long I had been poisoning my life with self-loathing and dissatisfaction with myself, but I never considered this a problem.
Now I've started to notice that I'm surrounded by wonderful people who really care about me, and they want the best for me and want me to see my value. A lot of people really like what I do, and in fact... I'm not such a bad person as I've imagined all my life.

At the moment, I have been taking medication again for almost a month, but so far I have not felt much better. I decided that I needed the help of a specialist in the form of a psychologist or a psychotherapist, because I couldn't handle it on my own. I tried it a few times, it didn't help me much, so I decided that I could handle it on my own...Well, now I'm going to try to find a doctor until it starts working.

It so happened that because of my condition, I just couldn't almost get out of bed, let alone work. I'm just emotionally broken, I've been living on loan money for a while, and I need to sort this out. I'm embarrassed to say this, considering all my debts, but I don't really have much choice... If you want to help me, then in the near future I will publish a journal with several slots for black and white commissions and also post one ych.
Deadlines will be increased for them, but if you don't mind waiting, I would be really happy to work with you.
link to the sketch: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/58.....oad-successful
link to the Journal with commissions: https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10966003/

I really understand that I make mistakes over and over again, and I probably don't look my best from the outside, but I'm really slowly moving towards recovery and finishing old commissions.
I'll be a little busy in the next couple of days, but I'll try to finish a few recent commissions and respond to a few messages by the end of October and I promise to make a new to-do list that I'll update once a month. I can also consider a gradual refund if you are tired of waiting. I will do this as soon as I repay the loan (in about a couple of months), so if you have such a desire, write to me.

Once again, I thank everyone for their understanding and patience. I am really very tired of this kind of life, most likely I will stumble more than once on the way to recovery, but the main thing is that I try again and again.