Exactly one year ago today was the last time I abused DXM. Prior to this, a whole month would've been inconceivable.

A whole year of laying in the bed I made, without the drug that made it so comfortable to lay in. Without the solution to problems that were caused by the solution in the first place.

A year without the exaggerated emotional peaks & valleys. A year without the vicious cycle of getting too high, doing or saying something reckless & impulsive, regretting it, then getting high again in an attempt to manage that regret. A year with the remainder of my old supply (just enough for one trip) within arm's reach behind my desk, just to prove to myself that I could refuse it willingly. A year of rejecting that little shoulder devil's advances; "Just once. Nobody has to know. The lies won't hurt them if they never find out." A year with my mind, behavior, and my personality in tact. A year without people being forced to either watch their dear friend gradually descend into madness... or walk away, for their own safety & sanity. Many friends, including one I cared about more than anyone else, chose the latter. I used to resent them for it, but with all this time to reflect upon the twisted image of me that they were shown, I don't blame them at all. I made them feel unsafe. From their perspective, I was already gone. I simply wasn't me anymore.

To some, I was a raving lunatic, histrionic narcissist, or just a tone-deaf creep with no self-awareness. To one in particular... I was a stalker, so obsessed with how they made me feel, that I was blind to how I was making them feel. I thought I was living a nightmare with all my friends abandoning me, but to them, I was the nightmare. Whether I was suddenly throwing a temper tantrum without an obvious cause, flooding someone's messages with deranged word salad, or flagrantly violating someone's clearly-established boundaries, I was pretty universally shitty to everyone who was close to me. The closer you were, the worse I treated you... although, I was naturally much friendlier with the enablers that were falling down the rabbit hole with me.

I hope with this year behind me, I've at least proved to some of you that I'm really trying to be a better person.

---

I know it's probably too little too late for an apology, especially for someone who has no reason to read it, and is completely within their rights to reject it... but my gut is telling me to do it anyway, even if it's just for a bit of closure. For their own privacy, I won't be saying who it's for.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I tried to get closer to you than you felt comfortable. I'm sorry I gaslit you into believing you needed to be a better friend to me, when it was the other way around. I'm sorry I failed to appreciate that you respected me enough to challenge my behavior without patronizing me, and tell me what I needed to hear instead of what I wanted to hear. I'm sorry I carelessly stepped over every single boundary you tried to put between us. I'm sorry I narcissistically interpreted your silence as ill-intentioned, and falsely accused you of believing you were "too cool for me." I'm sorry I'd always bother you when you wanted to be left alone, and for assuming that always had to do with me, specifically. I'm sorry for being emotionally manipulative to get your attention. I'm sorry I wouldn't take "no" for an answer, and for going so far out of my way to get around it every time you blocked me... and finally, I'm so sorry it took so fucking long for me to finally leave you alone.

You've seen the absolute worst of me. Yet, you were so much more patient with me than I ever gave you credit for, and you remained a loyal friend for so many years, despite having valid reasons to cut me out much sooner than you did. When you were blunt or harsh, it was appropriate & called for. When you were kind, it was sincere. You truly were a better friend to me than anyone else... but I was so obsessed with self-loathing that I punished you for it. You never did anything to deserve how poorly I treated you. I am not entitled to your forgiveness. You were my best friend, and I completely betrayed you.