~bigboy980

I haven't used this site much for the past 5 years. I've gotten busy with life, struggled through several years being jobless after dropping out of college and game dev training.
Now I work two jobs, but still living paycheck to paycheck, and there's just been an endless swarm of struggles that bashed me in the head this year.
Shit's been difficult, even though I still think of myself as weak and extremely needy.
I tried my best. But, I guess things in life are just complex and nuanced, and people don't really meet you half-way most of the time when you're struggling.

I just left the group of local friends that I've known for a couple of years, some of them I knew for a longer time.
Shit sucks.

But the whole thing just boils down to me not feeling welcomed or included. Even though I've made genuine efforts to fit in, or to curry favor by helping everyone out when they need it.
(And not out of some pure malice to make use of them later on)
And shit just sucks because after expressing my frustration several times, I always got shut down with, "Well, this is a good-vibes group only, you're free to vent sometimes but don't bring negativity to the group all the time, it ruins the mood and nobody wants that."

Sure, maybe their points hold merit, but it's still agonizing and isolating that I'm the outlier for being frustrated that I don't belong in the group.
After a year or so making an effort to scale back on my attachment to the group, it just only served to make me feel even more depressed and jealous of everyone having such a good time without me around.
And at that point, it's kind of a toss-up. If I show up, they feel uneasy because they don't know if I'd throw a fit, or be vibing with them.

So then, what is even the point of keeping me around, if I'm such a hassle to deal with for those in the group?
Out of pity? Out of fear of 'rocking the boat'?

It's still something I don't understand.
And I guess I'm not without fault either.
But this whole thing just sucks.

Every time I talked about this frustration to my close friends, they always say I deserve to be in a place where my presence is valued.
So what does all of this mean to me , moving forward?

Honestly, I don't know.
This has been such a difficult years, and like they say, when it rains, it fucking pours.
I guess I was just done with being neglected and having my call for help dismissed as me being 'troublesome'.

I still think it's really unfair to single me out and paint me as the 'bad' guy for disrupting the good vibes of the group.
Again, it's isolating. Because I can't interact with them when they're so focused on the games they play, or just yelling and hollering and it just gets on my nerve so much.
I'm just tired of it.

This has been such a shitty year, from having to deal with my father, to all the property paperwork, to our financial problems, to my parents wanting a divorce, and I've just feeling absolutely unloved and uncared for. It's been so fucking difficult. I tried. But I just can't handle being neglected