~AverageFanEnjoyer

Foreword; or, Some Context to the Scenario I Find Myself In

So lately, some cool people—mainly artists I look up to and view as inspiration—have started following me, both on here and on my Bluesky. While I am very grateful for the attention on my work (both from them and everyone else who follows me), I haven't exactly been taking it well. Chiefly, the increased attention, especially from people of such high stature, has given me the impression that the content I currently produce at the rates I have been is inadequate. I sort of... went off the rails tonight. Posted some venty-type stuff on my Bluesky, and the replies I got on it made me really write out what was in my mind and why I feel the way I do... crudely. It's not very well-written nor is it even founded in anything other than my own insecurities, but I find I should tell you people here about it too—it's only fair I give the whole story to all of my followers no matter where they are.

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[The following is a mirror of the long-winded, ranting thread I posted to my Bluesky, minorly reformatted to work on FurAffinity's Journal system a bit better.]

My issue is more that I'm not producing stuff. At all. The last time I uploaded anything here was three days ago, as a birthday gift. Almost everything I've drawn this month were just birthday gifts, for that matter. I don't really consider that my "core content." I don't want it to be. I don't think there's a lot of people who follow me to see art I'm making for others—I'm trying to cultivate an audience that consumes my stuff for its own sake. I wanna draw my interests first and foremost, and I don't feel like it aligns with what interests the people that have recently found me.
And perhaps more relevant to the point at hand, I don't even KNOW what to make. I'm chronically short on ideas, and the ones I do get are often too ambitious and end in me frustratedly deleting the project file.

Don't let the goofy, stylized shading fool you—I'm a very middling artist. I have no idea how to pursue my nowadays-nonexistent interests nor do I have the motivation or patience for studying the things that will improve my craft. How am I to produce stuff that'll appeal to others when I fail to appeal to myself? And I know it's not really beneficial to worry about the audience. I've been drawing primarily for myself—the attention it's given me was just a side effect. But if that's the case, then why do I post my art at all? Clearly I am not philosophically consistent here; I have ulterior motives. I'm fucking tired of ignoring this mess. Clearly I put a good deal of weight on "appeasing" the people who look at my content, and that'll only get worse the more my account grows if I don't address it. I'm far too lazy for any degree of consistent artistic output. Lazy; apathetic. Not stressed nor burnt out. I could very well spend a lot more time on art, yet I don't, and then I complain about "letting down" my audience with a lack of output. Pathetic.

I don't want to sound ungrateful to you people—I really value your attention—too much, in fact. It's why I feel so upset as a creator so much. I feel like your guys' attention is wasted on me. I don't produce anything worthwhile in any consistent fashion. You're putting forward an indicator to me that you value my work enough to see the latest and greatest, and I sit on it and do nothing. I don't wanna be that kind of guy. I want to show that I respect and value the attention I have, yet I just don't feel up to the task. But there's a lot of cool people following me and I don't want to scare them off because I'm honored they notice me in the sea of other middling artists out there...
That's a bit hard to do when I'm so fucking self-conscious when I have any amount of following to the point where I just shut down and feel worse for not working, making me shut down more, isn't it? I could be spending the time I've been writing this working on my writings. Or art. Or anything else.

I'm so lost when it comes to matters like this. I know it's mostly inconsequential—many of you will remain regardless. I thank you for that kind of commitment to someone who's far too harsh on himself, but I can't help but feel that I'm in an inescapable situation. If I do nothing, people will get bored, and I lose fans. If I write long apologies for non-issues, as I am now, I come off as a whiny, unstable person, which (rightfully) turns people off, and I lose fans. If I produce content, I'm not fixing the root issue but keep fans.
In any case, I am unhappy.

I look up at the length of what I've written here—making the mother of all mountains from a goddamn anthill—and realize just how not-okay this is.
I apologize to any follower of mine who just watched me melt down over my insecurities, and I hope you can find it in you to keep me in your watchlist.
To any non-follower who's somehow stumbled upon this, I hope this doesn't come off as trying to sympathy-bait engagement or something deranged like that. I'm just having a very bad moment right now. Make of it what you will.

I'm posting this anyway because I feel like I need this weight off of me. For now, at least. I'm gonna go to bed now and probably take a long shower in the morning. Y'all better not blow this shit out of proportion while I'm gone.

—AverageFanEnjoyer