~Ashtalon

⚠ Woah! Long journal! ⚠
It's a really heartfelt one. Get ready :)

I've wanted to write this for a while, but I didn't quite realise until now.

It's 12:50am on Tuesday morning as I write my stream of thought.

I've just posted one of my very favourite commissions ever (https://www.furaffinity.net/view/54507197/), and it resonates incredibly strongly with me. This dragon self I feel I am is depicted so beautifully in every aspect. I wrote about my otherkin feelings in the description of that submission, however I wanted to expound on it.

Lately, I've been discussing my otherkin feelings with (other otherkin) friends too. Everyone has their own, personal story, and I've been wanting to explore mine too. Asking myself questions like: Why do I feel so drawn to dragons? Why do certain dragon features resonate so strongly with me? Why don't I explore this (core) dragon part of myself more fully? There's no reason not to. Only fear of judgement from others, because expressing my love for dragons earned mockery from my peers in school. And otherkin are weird Tumblr people. Fear that I'll be cringe. Fear of being myself and fear of revealing something that others will find cringeworthy and reject me for.

Since I first encountered dragons when my mum read the King Arthur stories to me at a very young age (~5), I loved them. Spyro the Dragon came out around that time, and I wished that Spyro would glide down into my backyard and I could meet him. In my dreams, I would be a dragon, gliding down the front steps of the house. The thought of opening my wings and watching the ground fall away from me as I lifted into the air was euphoric.

I've always loved flying, but it had to be on my own steam, not relying on a machine. That concept always resonated with me, but what also resonated with me were four-legged winged creatures. At that very young age, I saw Disney's Hercules and the winged horse Pegasus. Being able to walk on four legs AND fly with wings? YES! I loved that concept so much. I wanted to be a four-legged, winged creature too. I loved the villain's gryphon form in DuckTales: Treasure of the Lost Lamp: That really sparked something! For a while, I wasn't sure which type of four-legged, winged creature I wanted to be, but "dragon" was the eventual clear winner: No more confusion!

So it was particularly feral, particularly Western dragons, that I loved, and one of which I wanted to be. Being able to walk on all fours but also fly with wings on my back: That's what I am so drawn to.

I'd love imagining being this kind of creature in games with friends as a child. The idea of being a dragon is so innate, so natural to me, that I was always confused as to why dragons didn't have the same appeal to everyone else around me. To me, making stories, movies and games about dragons was like a no-brainer. DUH! So... Why weren't people making them? Iunno. Weren't dragons such an obvious choice?

...???????

My parents bought me the book Dragon Rider by Cornelia Funke for Christmas in 2004. I read all ~500 pages that same day and adored the fantasy characters and world. Firedrake, the main dragon protagonist, was a sweet, kind-hearted dragon, and very endearing. I also have to mention that for me, dragons had to be "good", they had to be kind and caring. This is the opposite to stereotypical depictions of Western dragons, however dragons being depicted as bad and evil was something I found offensive. This, along with "Dragonslayers", made (and make) me upset.

Returning to Dragon Rider: I was so taken with the dragons in that story, I decided I wanted to be a silver dragon like that too. I copied Dragon Rider illustrations and got really into drawing, the same dragon appearing in all my exercise books for the next year. Being alone with my incredibly strong dragon inclinations, I felt very isolated. I had absolutely no awareness of anyone else in the entire world feeling like I did. Wanting desperately to be a dragon. Not wanting to be around dumb humans. Not that I was a dumb human: I was a dragon. Duh.

Through longingly searching for dragon pictures on the "early" internet in 2005 at the age of 13, I found a furry artist's site and loved all the dragon pictures. There were various anthro ones I liked, and I tried drawing a similar depiction intended as my dragon self, but I didn't pursue this any further. For the first time, I discovered there was a term to describe how I felt: "Otherkin"! How exciting to know there were others like me! I even found a website for dragonkin! Maybe it was draconity.org or another one? I don't remember. There was a form to fill into apply for an account. But after I submitted the form, I got such a weird vibe, I got really scared and anxious, and I ran away, forgot the password for that email account, and never joined. Honestly, I think it was for the best because I was a confused 13 year old on the wild west of the internet. :/

Following this, I kind of ran away from otherkin feelings. I'd become misanthropic, I hated humans, I only wanted to be a dragon amongst dragons. I scared myself because this all felt unhealthy, and I didn't want to continue down that path of hatred any more. Only a few years later did I start feeling okay about exploring dragons again, and this time I felt better-adjusted.

I created Ashtalon as a character for Istaria: Chronicles of the Gifted in 2008. I was delighted to finally find an MMO where you could play as a dragon!!! (When's the next serious dragon MMO coming out? :( )
Originally, I'd wanted to be a silver dragon, just like in that beloved story. However it didn't look that great in the lighting of the character creator and I tried other colour combinations instead. Red and yellow looked great, so I went with that! I chose very minimal adornments, as was always my bent. I've always loved a simple design.

So I played as this red and yellow dragon, Ashtalon, and discovered roleplaying. I'd wanted to play on the non-roleplaying server when I joined, but that one was called Chaos, and I wanted to play on "Order" because I like what that word implies. At some point, I stopped interacting with the actual "game" features of the game, and spent all my time just being a dragon. I loved being Ashtalon and discovered a playful side of myself that felt very natural but I'd never known was there. I played this character as myself, projecting all my emotions for how I'd be as a dragon onto him. Roleplaying moved from the game to MSN Messenger, where I continued to be Ashtalon. I still have incredibly close friends from then, whom I absolutely adore.

So I integrated and became "Ashtalon", now not just some avatar from a game, but my chosen form. He's who I am on a deep level: He's my dragon self. He's me.

In university, I discovered Reddit Atheism™ and proceeded to discard all my supernatural beliefs, all open-mindedness to the supernatural, with prejudice and condescension. I became completely materialist. I listened heavily to commentary about the culture war and was quite bitter and resentful. Being a dragon? An otherkin? Please. That stuff was all bullshit. I was still on FA and found like minds in the furry fandom, however I got this... Longing feeling? At seeing the genuine expression of otherkin. I felt like I was outside the club, looking sadly through the window with the people who were just like me, I just didn't believe in that stuff any more. But I still wanted to be a dragon too? I wished I could believe in all that again, because it was a wonderful fantasy.

I have to admit that I learned a huge amount from being atheist and materialist. It's helped me a lot to have a broader perspective and I think it was time really well-spent.

Only a couple of years ago, I began opening again to the possibility of things beyond the obvious, material existence. I began to identify as otherkin again, on the basis of "well, if I could choose what I was, of course I'd be a dragon". I was fine with it being only possible in wistful fantasy, since I already believed it was only fantasy for everyone else too. So why lock myself out of something that I found joy in? :)

I also started to get tired of all the drama of the news cycle, internet commentators discussing the news cycle, and being constantly, willingly immersed in the hostility of that mindset for a prolonged period. My beloved partner, shertu, found my passion for political or news topics endearing, however he did eventually tell me my constant complaining was wearing on him. This was important for me to start reevaluating what kind of emotions I was putting out into the world.

Over a year following our separation, my birdie  shertu lost a job he thought was going well, and on what I believe was frustrated impulse, took his own life the same day. Everyone who knew him was blindsided. He was pretty much the last person any of us would have expected to do this.

I was now desperate to know if consciousness survived death. I didn't want to believe that it all ended with nothing to follow—not any more. It couldn't be. I wanted to hold my birdie again, tell him how stupid he was but that I still loved him and missed him. And since my wounds have now healed due to time: How I forgive him now for all the things I was upset about, and how I've let those go.

So it was that I began listening to hundreds of accounts of near death experiences to answer that question of "does consciousness survive?". From there, I've begun to delve into spirituality, mindfulness, and meditation with an open mind. The verdict on consciousness surviving? It seems so. I'd like to give my birdie another hug, at any rate.

I can barely believe how much I've changed in this time. I feel as though I've "evolved". I'm of course the same person, but with a broader perspective. I've disengaged from the noisy political fighting. I've disengaged from holding onto grudges, and I've disengaged from seeing people as wrong or stupid for holding beliefs or philosophies that I don't. I'm working on being less quick to judge, and I'd like to work on reacting more calmly in the face of frustration.

I now try to send out positivity into the world, rather than ruminating on all the things I find wrong with it. I wanna be that kind, playful, good-natured dragon. I wanna bring people joy. I wanna joke and laugh and not take things too seriously. I want my friends to know how much they mean to me, how much I appreciate them, and I want to make the world a little bit brighter. I'm (re)discovering myself. Not that I didn't have the inclination to be like this before, but it's like it was buried and I didn't realise it was there the whole time. My focus was on the negative so much.

I want to be myself. And if that self is an otherkin red and yellow dragon called Ashtalon, I want to be that. Those words honestly give me a thrill to write out! I want to be less afraid of expressing who I am, because following my natural tendency to express as a dragon makes me so very happy. Aligning my actions to who I want to be is making life feel brighter.

In some of the spiritual podcasts I've listened to, the speakers have mentioned how incredible your experience can be if you be your genuine self and follow your passion. I've already allowed my inner self to be expressed as Ashtalon, and the thought of being more of that is thrilling. I love exploring that aspect in VRChat but also in art. And I am working, bit by bit, on developing the skills to draw pictures that express my dragon self too. (It'll probably be a while until I feel confident enough in my skills to share, but that's something I REALLY want to do!)

Again, I'm surprised at how different I am to just a few years ago. I think this is the best version of myself so far, and I want to keep going.

I'm now genuinely delighted to identify myself as otherkin. I'm a dragon, and I don't have to be "weird" about it. My human existence is pretty good, actually! I have wonderful friends: Dragons, furs, and non-furs, wonderful family, and for some reason, everyone seems to be kind to me. I now love focusing on things that make me happy: Good art, dragon art, learning art, being a dragon, cute stuff, animals doing endearing things, friends, friends' successes, and giving my friends moral support to achieve their dreams. I've experienced being bitter and negative, and learned that there's something else I'd prefer to be instead.

I love talking about otherkin stuff with my fellow dragons. We're all unique and have our own approaches and understandings. However I love being able to talk to other dragons because we can relate so easily. We don't have to explain it all from zero: There's mutual understanding and a shared experience.

I hope to talk a whole lot more with other dragons about this too! I know otherkin come in infinite varieties, but I am very much focused on and interested in the dragons. They're just so special to me, and it's innate. I don't know why exactly I have this inclination, but I love exploring it and discovering who I am.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading! Maybe you're an otherkin too, maybe you're a dragon too. Perhaps you found something relatable here! I'm very shy and reserved about talking to new people directly, so if you send me a personal message and I never respond, that's my default state. But feel free to comment if you like!

That about does it for this journal! I really needed to write this out so I could bring all these implicit, subconscious thoughts right out and articulate them consciously. This was mostly for me, but I felt the desire to share this. It makes me really happy to be genuine about who I am and why it all matters to me. I just wanna be a dragon so muchhhhhghghghslkjflflkjelhjglksjelfksjlekjflksjefsehfhghhh ✨

So now I put "Otherkin" in my profiles and descriptions. I like to keep those as short as possible because who wants to read a whole story (ironic for me to say this now, I know)? But I find myself strongly wanting to list it there because it's core to my being. I'm a dragon! Truly and deeply.

That's why I am otherkin.