~ST-004

Yeah I know I sound depressing but whatever, I'm posting this just before the clock strikes midnight on my birthday, I've been up and down heavily on top of spending exorbitant amounts of money on adopted aeromorphs which shall soon be posted here, main point being that I've been up and down lately. I've got a new job, but that was several months ago, it's a nicer job but still has its share of issues, I have money now, which is why I've been buying loved ones gifts, including my car which shall be shown soon. I know most people I hang around with seem to like me. Why that is, is beyond me. Nonetheless, if there are people out there which for one reason or another dislike me, I ask that if you feel up to it, please give me another chance, I've been battling thoughts of suicide on top of my usual depression and anxiety from my aspergers lately. If something were to happen to me, I couldn't die knowing that people didn't like me, because as my friends know, I go above and beyond what is required to make others feel loved as best I can, but I really need the same in return right now, it'll be the best birthday gift I could ask anybody for.

Right now, I cannot remember the last time I felt so high, so self confident and assured in who I am, I know that nobody can stop me this time, nobody can destroy me. I am beyond the grasp of those who wish malice upon me. You'll see what I mean later on. Until then, thank you all for your strong support, I'm happy to call all those I see as friends, my friends. <3

Alrighty folks, life update:
1. Got a job again, one that I like and pays somewhat decently. Doing pizza delivery, also trying to apply for a position at KFC
2. Car will probably be going to a better place soon, won't pass roadworthy in current condition and it'll cost too much to repair so that's going to be written off due to a minor accident I had a couple weeks back probably. will be salvaging bits from it though hopefully.
3. due to number 2, I'll probably follow in my friend's footsteps and start buying cars to flip for a profit. might not be as much fun as a sports car like I'm used to now, but it'll pay hopefully
4. No more dicking around trying to reinvent the wheel, Alexis was always perfect as she was and didn't need to be updated, that was my mistake due to having crippling self doubt as alexis is truly an extension of my real self. now that I know that I do have a modicum of worth, I realize that I was wrong to do over what was good from the start, expect to see a ref sheet in the near future, the one I should have gotten in the first place.

If anybody has any questions or any comments, feel free to leave them, I'll be more than happy to answer or retort but please try to be nice, I know I will. c: <3

I had my account disabled for a few days, in all honesty probably one of the best things I've done in ages, been horribly depressed lately due to irl situations but things are steadily improving so I think things will be better from here on out, my car seems to be finally happy now that I've given it about $800 worth of parts over 2 weeks so hopefully that will last a while (that's a little under half what I spent on the car, I've spent about $1500 in repairs and shop work on a $1700 car, go figure. but nonetheless I couldn't be happier on that end, need to get some sort of income too as my account's basically running on empty. but yeah I'm also on a script of antidepressants now to help me hopefully become a perkier and happier person. Also I'm finally shedding my old form, and starting with a completely fresh revision of my old character, something more open and representative of what I now aspire to be, to all those that have been there for me on skype, I can't thank you enough.. But yeah, working fast car, no more suicidal thoughts, things might just start to be looking up.

I hate my life, so many things are going wrong right now, frankly I'm amazed I've made it this far without acting on my own thoughts, but anyway, birthday.. Broke, broken car, everything is not well at all..

well I might be getting a new car for starters, though I get the feeling that selling her will be heartwrenching though for all the times she's made me enjoy myself, there has been several times more times of frustration and disappointment so, pretty as she is she's gotta go. I think I'll get a domestic car this time around.

Also College! it's weird how you gotta become friends with people on facebook to do group tasks, I find it kinda odd but I guess it works, also food's expensive so I usually go through the day drinking coca cola because it's cheap, sometimes I drink water when I'm feeling extra stingy.

Also my new character and ref sheet.. I don't know why but it leaves me a little cold compared to the old form I had, so I'll be experimenting a little until I can sorta merge them together to get the shell I want. Maybe I didn't need to write this journal, it's a bit small, but if any of you have any comments, suggestions or questions, you know to leave them below :3

(Is this a vent? I think its more just setting the record straight. A little vent maybe but more a quest to shed light from my side of a story.)

As some of my watchers may or may not know I posted my ref sheet a few days ago, needless to say I was not ready for the backlash that I received for posting a new sheet. Turns out my ex boyfriend has seemed to emerge from the dead or something and seeks to use his cronies by proxy to try and attack me, or he's plain sticking his dick in crazy, point is, I've been called out in journals and my own comments sections for being a heartless bitch, or a flat out monster by ghosts of my past. I believe it's time to maybe shed some light on this clusterfuck shrouded in mystery as there only seems one side to this story.

I did love my ex very much, in fact, even begrudgingly I do wish we had never split up, but that's life. Point is that my replacement seemed to die or something, details are murky due to us not being on a talking basis. And suddenly he re-emerges on furaffinity and his cronies begin taking vengeance or some sort of vendetta out on me. Nevertheless he seems to have finally managed to do what I always wished for him to do when we were together, and I congratulate and fully support him on that front, just wish I could have been there to enjoy it. Now onto the meat of this journal. Mr Crest, soon to be Elstrom I believe.

Anyway, I endured more than a year with my first real mate, it had its ups and downs, though as the relationship progressed, the downs became more and more frequent, he was constantly down and I sought to do what I could to help, seeing as that wasn't working, I gave him gifts, so many of them, a laptop, and 90% of his art pretty much. I helped him set up shop on fa, and he was never truly grateful for what I was doing I believe. I sat there, waiting for the day he would get a job and finally give me gifts but more importantly, become the happy fur I fell in love with, sadly that day never came and when we broke up the situation was in freefall, I had my final school exams coming up and I made the tough decision to pull the plug, that in turn means now I'm heading to my first class of university in 2 days, the course I wanted at the college I wanted.

I make no regrets or apologies for making sure I stayed successful while my other time and effort was poured into a failing cause. I also make no apologies for my polyamory which really angered him when he found out by SNOOPING AND READING MY NOTES WHEN I TRUSTED HIM ON MY ACCOUNT. Not that an action like that would of ever angered me regardless... But yes, I made the choice that I couldn't invest all my resources into something that never gave a return, by the time I broke up, I was so tired and drained that I felt a relief when it was over.

Now thanks to him and/or his cronies, those old feelings of depression and worthlessness have come back, but I'm not standing for it. I know what I'm worth, I know I am a synthetic goddess and I will not stand for being treated like trash or a punching bag for Ridley Crest's depression anymore. I had enough of that when I loved him, so for anybody such as My ex's mistress who was very malicious to not just me but my friends and family, or that one guy that made me put up a wall of hidden posts trying to stop me from getting ahead, you're no longer valued as people to me and any attempts to stop me will just make me push harder.

Also me and Talynn are no longer buddies but I'm not inclined to make a journal about it, it was a purely business decision that went sour, Also he was controlling and possessive over my character design which made me uncomfortable as he was trying to smother my own vision for my fursona.

Thank you all for bearing with me, that was way too much on my chest. And expect more art sometime once I get another job or something because broke college girl x3

Time to forget the shit year that has passed us by, I'm going to use this time to remember and reflect on the good things and people I've met, and to forget those who don't deserve what I gave to them. Time to make good on my promise of getting my car fixed and make monies to spend on personalized pornography and other niceties. Fireworks are good looking at too. Have a great year people. I'll talk to y'all if you want soon

Anyway, For those that didn't know, Merry Christmas first and foremost, had a pretty decent Christmas gift-wise, but apart from that these past couple weeks have been shithouse, I've been down and out with random pneumonia which has meant I've been off work for a while, which isn't as fun as you think. Just been coughing up phlegm but happily I'm beginning to recover, really have no idea what to get for myself at all. Maybe I'll hold off on art and such. I do know where I'm going next with Alexis and such, but yeah, disease is a lot less fun out of school. At least this stuff isn't contagious. As for 2015, it can't go soon enough, 2015 is a year that can go fuck itself in terms of the stresses it put on me and my family, 2016 I'm pretty sure will be a good year by contrast. No new years resolution apart from get into university, study and yeah stuff. Maybe get my car fixed up.

*gives free hugs to everyone who wants them* Thanks for everything though guys, luffoo all.

So yeys me I guess :V

I've got good news and bad news. For starters, as you all mostly know I'm back from overseas and I'd like to inform everyone that my gaming pc build has finally been completed officially and it's quite a satisfying feeling, bar the power switch wires separating from the button 5 minutes ago, though it does give a 'ghetto-esque' hotwire feel every time I come to turn on my pc now so I'm not overly fussed. The bad news is that I'm still unfortunately jobless though that may soon be rectified, and I may be selling my car, Blondie. If she's sold then I'll move on to something a bit more reliable. If not, I'll bite the bullet and take her to a local mechanic to get them to sort out the really strange knock sensor issue and re-gas the AC system as it's painful driving in sunlight in Australia with a car that has no air con. New car may be a ford focus or opel astra so stay tuned if you want, otherwise thanks for reading and yeah ^^ Oh, and before I forget, I've finally bought a drawing tablet so I might derp around with that a bit since I've never used one before and can't draw anyway x3

Not bad I suppose, kinda surprised considering the lack of new art but I'm sure we all know how that is. Chile was good I guess, heading to the airport in an hour or two, back to home life and the stresses that go along with it. Also gonna be getting some goodies I ordered off ebay and a new phone soon so that's good. Apart from that I'm unsure of what else to say really. Up and down emotionally, going back to where I came from. Oh, and before I forget, thanks for all the support that certain people have given to me, you know who you are. For those that didn't but think they did, I can only have pity on you. But yeah, positive ending, getting more pageviews and popularity I think, guess you guys must really love my char, thank you to all those who deserve it through helping me through these last few weeks and I'll see ya tomorrow.

most of you who I talk to on skype should know this by now but I'm currently staying in Chile for 3 weeks for a family vacation to see relatives and other good stuff. I'm still coming to terms with how cheap some stuff is here compared to Australia. Also, I've finally finished school and had my formal 2 nights ago, lots of fun seeing friends all together for the last time, had a good blast on the motorway as it was empty, little car goes good, I'm going to perform some repairs when I return home and such, got lots of new goodies for my PC and I'll be trying to find a job now so this should be a fun next couple months :3

I'm tired of it, the whole thing is upsetting me at the moment. Fact is that I'm a slutty whore and sleep around yet also wish for the security and comfort I can get from a mate, my somewhat stupid solution was to become a mate to anyone I felt attached to. This whole thing has collapsed and Imploded and I'm lower than I've been in quite a while (Read: Post-Breakup) I'm so confused and upset at myself. It seems nobody I've met bar a select (literal) few that I would really actually like to settle down with, my problem is that I love and care for all these people I've grown attached to. I almost feel like I should hold a contest, but that's both stupid and douchey. I have no clue what to do, someone give me advice. I'm in Australia as well, its even more lonely and depressing when those few people you want to spend time with are several thousand miles away, that issue hits hardest of all.

I got my licence guize, and my car's working too so I'm a happy girl and stuff :V

Umm yeah, do any of you know anyone who's doing icon commissions and could help hook me up, this old freebie butt has done well, but perhaps it's time for something a little more alluring and nice looking. Thanks! :D <3

oh wow, this just keeps getting better and better doesn't it, all I've to say is thanks for the support and I'll keep trying to do what i do. Ref sheet should be hopefully putting along nicely once it's all paid for but yeah, stay tuned even though the art may be on hold until the new me is unveiled~

So yeah, I've finally officially graduated from my final year of high school. All I have left for me is my final exams now. And yeah. I feel a mixed up bunch of emotions and such. I guess its really time to start looking for a job, and getting other such things in order. Also it's time for me to really start looking at getting that ref sheet.

In other news I'm going for my driver's licence test tomorrow and also I'm selling some adopts for my ref sheet. They can be viewed here: http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7040436/

http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/7040436/ <3

well guys and girls, It's time that I got genuinely serious about getting myself a ref sheet and as such, I am now selling off my unused adopts which I never honestly got around to using and never got the opportunity to post. ALL PRICES ARE IN USD

https://www.dropbox.com/sh/1bewx2dc.....f9A_Aop5a?dl=0

Reindeer Taur: $5
Silver Fox: $25 (SOLD!)
Snow Leopard $30 (SOLD!)
Anubian Jackal $35

Comment if you're interested in any of them and prices CAN BE NEGOTIATED. Thanks for looking guys <3

P.S. Any signal boosts would be greatly appreciated <3

Everything's nicely sorted. It feeds my inner OCD demons but I'm so damn happy that I'm finally able to have everything in its own little place. It helps me and I certainly hope it helps all those looking for cyber jackal arts or otherwise :D

I'm gonna miss you, Crest floof. We had such a beautiful time together and it was a shame we couldn't make it hold out for longer. It saddens me to see you go for now but I have hope. I will see you soon, and maybe I will fall in love with you in a way in which the internet can not ever compare. I love you still, and I'll miss you lots, my RC. I guess it means I'm single now and that means that things will be open season on me now. Though no pornography or one night stand will ever be able to replace true love. You are a diamond in the rough, Ridley crest, maybe next time, I'll have the right tools to help you become the gem you are deep inside..

well, I've been giving the thought of redesigning Alexis some long hard thought today on top of all the other hard questions I've been asked of various people today. I don't honestly know if I want to go through with it. Currently the big jackal girl still looks as beautiful as ever in my own eyes and I love her big bulky busty looks. I don't know. I mean I'd like to know what your take is on this subject. Do you like Alexis the way she currently is? do you think I should redesign her to be more sleek and modern? I'd really love to have any input honestly, I'm on the fence about it though I'm now beginning to lean more towards keeping her the way she is, I feel like changing her might alter the things that seemingly make her unique and cute and attractive in her exotic way (apparently)

Also, just as a side note, does anyone know where me and my mate can get decent icon commissions? it's time we both got something nicer looking, we've been on fa long enough to warrant it in my mind.