saw this somewhere, decided to take the test.
Posted 7 years ago== Results from bdsmtest.org ==
100% Exhibitionist
100% Switch
100% Primal (Prey)
100% Voyeur
100% Primal (Hunter)
99% Degradee
99% Sadist
97% Degrader
96% Masochist
91% Slave
89% Rigger
82% Pet
77% Dominant
72% Experimentalist
63% Submissive
60% Owner
54% Master/Mistress
53% Non-monogamist
52% Daddy/Mommy
40% Brat
21% Ageplayer
10% Vanilla
10% Boy/Girl
2% Rope bunny
http://bdsmtest.org/result.php?id=5913160
......im not sure i agree with all this, but mreh. Here it is in black and blue.
100% Exhibitionist
100% Switch
100% Primal (Prey)
100% Voyeur
100% Primal (Hunter)
99% Degradee
99% Sadist
97% Degrader
96% Masochist
91% Slave
89% Rigger
82% Pet
77% Dominant
72% Experimentalist
63% Submissive
60% Owner
54% Master/Mistress
53% Non-monogamist
52% Daddy/Mommy
40% Brat
21% Ageplayer
10% Vanilla
10% Boy/Girl
2% Rope bunny
http://bdsmtest.org/result.php?id=5913160
......im not sure i agree with all this, but mreh. Here it is in black and blue.
i am...
Posted 8 years agorunning riot with a limp wrist painting the town red
doing jumping jacks on the faces of fat cats who hoarde rent space inside my head
out of excuses
i havent got the time to put on my wristwatch
i clock random strangers with my rock-inna-sock
tik-tock tick-talk
its a bloody thirsty business
I shoot out smoke signals of x's and o's
i give hugs and kisses to ho's, dirtiest of flirty filthy
big sloppy wet kitty kisses
bloodshot
im hard as a rock
hocking my most precious posessions
sorry, i injected too many fiberglass shards in my cock
what more do you expect from a retard with 160 iq on barbs
life is hard
marshmallows are soft
so is cocaine, unless its cooked up wi5h enfamil, baking soda and lard
beef or chicken?
whats a boy to do? ...besides, whats it to you?
what the hell, i probably wont make it to 32.
...anyway, good day.
doing jumping jacks on the faces of fat cats who hoarde rent space inside my head
out of excuses
i havent got the time to put on my wristwatch
i clock random strangers with my rock-inna-sock
tik-tock tick-talk
its a bloody thirsty business
I shoot out smoke signals of x's and o's
i give hugs and kisses to ho's, dirtiest of flirty filthy
big sloppy wet kitty kisses
bloodshot
im hard as a rock
hocking my most precious posessions
sorry, i injected too many fiberglass shards in my cock
what more do you expect from a retard with 160 iq on barbs
life is hard
marshmallows are soft
so is cocaine, unless its cooked up wi5h enfamil, baking soda and lard
beef or chicken?
whats a boy to do? ...besides, whats it to you?
what the hell, i probably wont make it to 32.
...anyway, good day.
wreckless driving
Posted 8 years agowreckless driving is fun when im holding a gun
blinded by the sun
its cool
even when im not obeying traffic signs or rules of the road
give me the right of way because my turns are sharper than a double edged sword
i like to follow old ladies home in the middle of the deadest of nights
...gentlemanly, of course
because ive got a thousand horse
power 20 seconds for maybe an hour or more
...but this was before cell phones and dash cams
im on the lam doing a hundred 40 yards/hour dashing waving "hi, bye." to the cops as i fly by
give me a high 5 if we get away
sometimes i get stopped
often im smashed ans trashed and crash
sometimes i throw fits and fists
sometimes i overturn vehicles when im rolling and pissed.
...too many to list.
every time the clock strikes noon i get naked i laugh cry and howl at the moon
i joke and smoke and choke on the fumes, i wonder if itll come too late or too soon.
or sooner or later, fuck im in the paper again. i make my mother cry
again and again and again....
i went to the diner in my slippers and bath robe plastered
...but im a great person, a bitch and a bastard
taking for granted
i swear off my oaths and take it too far and wish upon my lucky charms rainbows hearts clovers and stars.
one time, i crashed my audi into a parked car
once i hit and ran a car off the road into crumpled bits of metal and shards. i turned it into a tin can
im the antithesis of a fix it man
i like to play "monsters on the roof", but theres no proof.
once i got into an accident for driving too slow, but that time there was 3 meters of ice and snow in my own credit.
i once jerked off along side a bus full of nuns and men of the cloth just for kicks, they "ooohhh'd and awwww'd", they probably liked my dick.
i nodded off on the road behind the wheel of a jeep, but my dead homie reached for the wheel and pulled us back onto the street
...i said i was cool, but he told me i should get some sleep.
"fuck you," i said,
"get out of my head; its only heroin. this is my car, maybe we wont get far, but driving is the only thing that keeps me under control." (except for the one i stole, but thats another story entirely).
theres nothing like flying off the road to make you feel alive; anyone feel like going for a ride?
blinded by the sun
its cool
even when im not obeying traffic signs or rules of the road
give me the right of way because my turns are sharper than a double edged sword
i like to follow old ladies home in the middle of the deadest of nights
...gentlemanly, of course
because ive got a thousand horse
power 20 seconds for maybe an hour or more
...but this was before cell phones and dash cams
im on the lam doing a hundred 40 yards/hour dashing waving "hi, bye." to the cops as i fly by
give me a high 5 if we get away
sometimes i get stopped
often im smashed ans trashed and crash
sometimes i throw fits and fists
sometimes i overturn vehicles when im rolling and pissed.
...too many to list.
every time the clock strikes noon i get naked i laugh cry and howl at the moon
i joke and smoke and choke on the fumes, i wonder if itll come too late or too soon.
or sooner or later, fuck im in the paper again. i make my mother cry
again and again and again....
i went to the diner in my slippers and bath robe plastered
...but im a great person, a bitch and a bastard
taking for granted
i swear off my oaths and take it too far and wish upon my lucky charms rainbows hearts clovers and stars.
one time, i crashed my audi into a parked car
once i hit and ran a car off the road into crumpled bits of metal and shards. i turned it into a tin can
im the antithesis of a fix it man
i like to play "monsters on the roof", but theres no proof.
once i got into an accident for driving too slow, but that time there was 3 meters of ice and snow in my own credit.
i once jerked off along side a bus full of nuns and men of the cloth just for kicks, they "ooohhh'd and awwww'd", they probably liked my dick.
i nodded off on the road behind the wheel of a jeep, but my dead homie reached for the wheel and pulled us back onto the street
...i said i was cool, but he told me i should get some sleep.
"fuck you," i said,
"get out of my head; its only heroin. this is my car, maybe we wont get far, but driving is the only thing that keeps me under control." (except for the one i stole, but thats another story entirely).
theres nothing like flying off the road to make you feel alive; anyone feel like going for a ride?
No Subject
Posted 8 years agoim just a dreamer a schemer a lemur a cheerleader
a lost cause doin bumps off tge tips of chainsaws
i give paws and i think i mighr be breaking a few laws i have a fever off tge balcony itchy finger twitchy trigger mezzanine firing guns wildly at open skies
broken promises shards and lies
its just a broken cup no need to panic im just a little manic
eating garbage from the gutter i shudder thinking "how could anybody live any other way?"
whos to say?
why are we awake and whos to say we are or are we knot
a gnarled branch with body dismorphic disorder squeeze safrole from the roots after its cut down
as long as youve got your ecstacy molly pressies who cares where it came from?
i drown i.n crocodile tears in funeral town, ive got mourning wood
i should have listened when they told me i should
i shouldnt i wouldnt
id rather live in mommys basement forever and smoke pot
until the day im gunned down by the cops
what a shame when every night and day are all exactly the same until its not
carbon copy
my xerox is broken im out of pulp fiction paper and toner
...o well nobody will miss me anyway i was a loner a stoner
i got nothin left although i could keep going on forever and ever i think for now im done
dead eyed kiddies have fun. :D
a lost cause doin bumps off tge tips of chainsaws
i give paws and i think i mighr be breaking a few laws i have a fever off tge balcony itchy finger twitchy trigger mezzanine firing guns wildly at open skies
broken promises shards and lies
its just a broken cup no need to panic im just a little manic
eating garbage from the gutter i shudder thinking "how could anybody live any other way?"
whos to say?
why are we awake and whos to say we are or are we knot
a gnarled branch with body dismorphic disorder squeeze safrole from the roots after its cut down
as long as youve got your ecstacy molly pressies who cares where it came from?
i drown i.n crocodile tears in funeral town, ive got mourning wood
i should have listened when they told me i should
i shouldnt i wouldnt
id rather live in mommys basement forever and smoke pot
until the day im gunned down by the cops
what a shame when every night and day are all exactly the same until its not
carbon copy
my xerox is broken im out of pulp fiction paper and toner
...o well nobody will miss me anyway i was a loner a stoner
i got nothin left although i could keep going on forever and ever i think for now im done
dead eyed kiddies have fun. :D
happy deathday huey p. newton!
Posted 8 years ago27 years ago tomorrow, huey p. newton, co-founder of the black panther party was shot dead in the street in oakland, ca (aug. 22 1989). he was an awesome (albeit very troubled) dude, and i wanted to take a few minutes out of my day to acknowlege his accomplishments and reflect on his vision. happy huey p. newton day. *confetti!!* <3
¡¿experimental hip-hop??????!!??!
Posted 8 years agoanybody feeling lucky today? ...you shld check this dude out. he used to be called "double plus" when he was rapping, but he moved across the country and changed his name to "slurgeon" to make tweaky electronic music and sick beats. a quck playlist
he teamed up with "ardamus" and made an album under the name "ardaplus" called "fistful of plutonium". you can listen to it and download it for free at http://ardamus.bandcamp.com/album/a.....l-of-plutonium i listen to 'fistful of plutonium' pretty much every day with my coffee for....oh, a long time.
I lovee this fukn dude, but 'fistful' videos have like 10 views on youtube, probably half of them are me. X3.
....try at your own risk. O.o
Peas.
he teamed up with "ardamus" and made an album under the name "ardaplus" called "fistful of plutonium". you can listen to it and download it for free at http://ardamus.bandcamp.com/album/a.....l-of-plutonium i listen to 'fistful of plutonium' pretty much every day with my coffee for....oh, a long time.
I lovee this fukn dude, but 'fistful' videos have like 10 views on youtube, probably half of them are me. X3.
....try at your own risk. O.o
Peas.
happy (belated) mothers day
Posted 8 years agohappy belated mothers day; im sorry i didnt call you or send a card or write.
im sorry i didnt buy you the gull-wing mercedes you always liked.
or send flowers or buy you a nice house: moneys kinda tight.
im sorry for the barley farm i never bought for Opi on his 80th.
sorry about 60th i missed.....
im sorry for all the birthdays and deathdays cuz of the dopedays and drunkdays.
im sorry im a bad son, but hopefully.........
someday.
im sorry i didnt buy you the gull-wing mercedes you always liked.
or send flowers or buy you a nice house: moneys kinda tight.
im sorry for the barley farm i never bought for Opi on his 80th.
sorry about 60th i missed.....
im sorry for all the birthdays and deathdays cuz of the dopedays and drunkdays.
im sorry im a bad son, but hopefully.........
someday.
sibbiling rivlry
Posted 8 years agowe were rivals.
we plyed tug of war over the precipice with our fear, self loating and doubt
betting on the others resolve
or lack thereof
a well orchestrated pissing contest to see who could fall apart first
whod sink fastest
and hit bottom
and shower and smash and shatter, liquify and coalesce and ooze and sink deep in the dirt by osmosis
shoots, tendrils and root
self destruction in its purest form
"i am death incarnate."
dejection anthropomorphized
self-inflicted ultraviolence: all ours for the taking.
"i suggest a truce....."
3 bullets in a six shooter
middle finger, sit, spin and strap in
click your heels together three times
say bloody mary, betelgeuce and recite macbeth lines
dont wish me luck
dont give a fuck
wish for the abstraction of "home" and let the chips fall wheye they may.
we played hopscotch on the brink
we walked abreast on the corpse road
freedom is emphatically not caring
anymore
im more apathetic than you
cats and dogs
parlay
we breached the peace and goad [sic[k]) for broke and breathed in the night itself and slept the day away and slowly exhaled............
gas
flatulence
diarrhea
carbon monoxide
methyl isocyanate
....and oh, brother, the hate.
....passed around the room in a nitrous ballooonn
in a mobius strip like everythings rosy while inside were stifling and screaming
we used our vocal cords to dump toxic waste bi-products
curdled milk, dark matter, ink blotter, poison pen, hypodermic bio-toxic sludge, the spots on the sun:
theyre kinda pretty if you look at 'em long enough.........
it was over before it started, and it ended
all tooo soooon.
is this fate? or a bad cosmic joke??
this was just getting good
is the bearded lady upstairs getting a kick, a dick, a blast, some hash, a bad acid flashback?
maybe having a ball, a gas , a bowl, a power-nap, a riot, not enough fiberr in her diet?/
the crematorium is pumping, throbbing, surging, spewing ash: almost alive
like Dog ashed and missed the tray, pouring tears of acid rain
but the smell was pleasing
vx nerve, agent orange, prozac, colonel mustard, phosphene, ritalin, zyclon b
swirling the snowglobe like a little dead girls goldfish circling the commode
im getting deafer and deafer by her hysterionic war cries
her resonant dissonant sardonic last laugh that echos through time, a deafening roar
empty space, white noise, grey matter, stygian black hole: its the kiss of indifference thats harder to bear than scorn
i fill the void with shiny objects, pretty colors, catboys, drugs, booze and porn
and crystalize the pink part of my lungs with can after icy can of dust-off (if i breathe and freeze enough, i might reach absolute zero.)
im in an icebreakers commercial!!!1
everything and nothing and the pattern that holds it all together, i see it, i found it
i lost it. goddamnit, oh shit, fuck it, forget it....
i can catch the re-run on the next can
facemelter, chippie, bender
watchmaker analogy
clockwork universe
golems and demiurgus
stormtroopers whistleblowers and game theorists
the mirror is smeared with glass
......its a bit cloudy in here.
write the wrongs, sing "no-redemption" songs, smear the will with red lipstick and coke
rivulets sanguine, the color of seconal capsules
fingerpainting
"how do i love thee? let me count the ways......"
the shit pouring out of me day after day after day after day
.........that red, red kroovy on tap
ill see you at the korova tomorrow.
or ill see you in hell or in your nightmares, or in your shell shock catatonia, but either way:
ill be seeing you again
real soon.
we plyed tug of war over the precipice with our fear, self loating and doubt
betting on the others resolve
or lack thereof
a well orchestrated pissing contest to see who could fall apart first
whod sink fastest
and hit bottom
and shower and smash and shatter, liquify and coalesce and ooze and sink deep in the dirt by osmosis
shoots, tendrils and root
self destruction in its purest form
"i am death incarnate."
dejection anthropomorphized
self-inflicted ultraviolence: all ours for the taking.
"i suggest a truce....."
3 bullets in a six shooter
middle finger, sit, spin and strap in
click your heels together three times
say bloody mary, betelgeuce and recite macbeth lines
dont wish me luck
dont give a fuck
wish for the abstraction of "home" and let the chips fall wheye they may.
we played hopscotch on the brink
we walked abreast on the corpse road
freedom is emphatically not caring
anymore
im more apathetic than you
cats and dogs
parlay
we breached the peace and goad [sic[k]) for broke and breathed in the night itself and slept the day away and slowly exhaled............
gas
flatulence
diarrhea
carbon monoxide
methyl isocyanate
....and oh, brother, the hate.
....passed around the room in a nitrous ballooonn
in a mobius strip like everythings rosy while inside were stifling and screaming
we used our vocal cords to dump toxic waste bi-products
curdled milk, dark matter, ink blotter, poison pen, hypodermic bio-toxic sludge, the spots on the sun:
theyre kinda pretty if you look at 'em long enough.........
it was over before it started, and it ended
all tooo soooon.
is this fate? or a bad cosmic joke??
this was just getting good
is the bearded lady upstairs getting a kick, a dick, a blast, some hash, a bad acid flashback?
maybe having a ball, a gas , a bowl, a power-nap, a riot, not enough fiberr in her diet?/
the crematorium is pumping, throbbing, surging, spewing ash: almost alive
like Dog ashed and missed the tray, pouring tears of acid rain
but the smell was pleasing
vx nerve, agent orange, prozac, colonel mustard, phosphene, ritalin, zyclon b
swirling the snowglobe like a little dead girls goldfish circling the commode
im getting deafer and deafer by her hysterionic war cries
her resonant dissonant sardonic last laugh that echos through time, a deafening roar
empty space, white noise, grey matter, stygian black hole: its the kiss of indifference thats harder to bear than scorn
i fill the void with shiny objects, pretty colors, catboys, drugs, booze and porn
and crystalize the pink part of my lungs with can after icy can of dust-off (if i breathe and freeze enough, i might reach absolute zero.)
im in an icebreakers commercial!!!1
everything and nothing and the pattern that holds it all together, i see it, i found it
i lost it. goddamnit, oh shit, fuck it, forget it....
i can catch the re-run on the next can
facemelter, chippie, bender
watchmaker analogy
clockwork universe
golems and demiurgus
stormtroopers whistleblowers and game theorists
the mirror is smeared with glass
......its a bit cloudy in here.
write the wrongs, sing "no-redemption" songs, smear the will with red lipstick and coke
rivulets sanguine, the color of seconal capsules
fingerpainting
"how do i love thee? let me count the ways......"
the shit pouring out of me day after day after day after day
.........that red, red kroovy on tap
ill see you at the korova tomorrow.
or ill see you in hell or in your nightmares, or in your shell shock catatonia, but either way:
ill be seeing you again
real soon.
HAppy 420 :D
Posted 8 years agocrazy shit; i forgot all about 420 this year till it wzas almost over!! xp
have fun kiddies. ^_^
~x
FTW (more stream of consciousness nonsense.) X3
Posted 9 years agofuck the world, fuck it all
roll call for the masochists
lance, boil, abscess cyst ....you get the gist
throw a fit, eat shit, get lit, have a ball
burn to a crisp
free fall
heed the call of the wild
da "nihil" is just a river in egypt
enjoy the scenery
careful not to get your paws crushed in the machinery
its raining angels falling from the clouds
oh, no!
swan dive
missed the earth
whoops
head first in the lava in hell
itz all for nothing; they accidentally tripped and fell over their laces
oh well.
the man doesnt want to hear any more excuses p==
the sky opened and parted, its started, its finished its over
im sick of looking over my shoulder
disorder
go for broke
confucius say..... asksadnoyesjklkkfdkjldfklzdsfkla,m
i stepped on the crack, i picked it up and smoked
but it was cat litter and rock salt, go fucking figure.
all i wanted was a bell ringer
comfortably numb
now ive got cancer and im no closer to an answer
lifes a du,mb dumb knock knock joke wit no punch line
supposition and no facts
break all the mothers backs
break the glass in a state of emergency
twist until it snaps
i tripped on my tail
in a storm of lightning sleet snow thunder and hail
its raining cats and dogs, its raining meat
youre in for a treat!
made out of babies, im crazy, im lazy
im akll alone walking the streets
flail crumple fold crumble fail
lift the veil
let me out of the bag !11
expose yourself
open up your trench coat
free yourself
get on all fours anrd spread your legs
raise your tail
display
its fucking payday. what do you say?
the peoples minds were dull, hardened and closed
i suppose
once its all said and done, at least we had a little fun
begged, borrowed, stolen bought and sold
fly too close to the sun
i never had wings to melt
tying off with a belt
the federations taking over the whole ball of wax
i want a piece of the action
ever since i can remember this is how ive felt
action/reaction cuse and effect
obfuscate and misdirect
vivisect
thats why i always do my best to stay wrecked
lucy, molly, rocks, shards
buds, suds, foxy methoxy
ephedrine, codeine
paper, plastic, glassine
hyposprays of cordrazine
rapid withdrawal, induced comas
drinking ether and huffing gasoline
amphetamine psychosis
cotton fever
im a believer
"whats the matter?"
"nothing new; i have a headache from the freon."
gerbil feeder dream weaver
gravitys gotcha in its clutches
it envelopes and implodes and folds
into a speck of dust
"the nothing" is coming to swallow all of us up
stifling in "the swamp of sadness"
the quicksand, "the man", the madness, the lovers, the blessed, the damned, the cigarette butts, the aluminum cans, the krugerrands
sucked down by the undertow
stygian black
let it all go.
fuck it all, just let the river flow
all by its lonesome.
roll call for the masochists
lance, boil, abscess cyst ....you get the gist
throw a fit, eat shit, get lit, have a ball
burn to a crisp
free fall
heed the call of the wild
da "nihil" is just a river in egypt
enjoy the scenery
careful not to get your paws crushed in the machinery
its raining angels falling from the clouds
oh, no!
swan dive
missed the earth
whoops
head first in the lava in hell
itz all for nothing; they accidentally tripped and fell over their laces
oh well.
the man doesnt want to hear any more excuses p==
the sky opened and parted, its started, its finished its over
im sick of looking over my shoulder
disorder
go for broke
confucius say..... asksadnoyesjklkkfdkjldfklzdsfkla,m
i stepped on the crack, i picked it up and smoked
but it was cat litter and rock salt, go fucking figure.
all i wanted was a bell ringer
comfortably numb
now ive got cancer and im no closer to an answer
lifes a du,mb dumb knock knock joke wit no punch line
supposition and no facts
break all the mothers backs
break the glass in a state of emergency
twist until it snaps
i tripped on my tail
in a storm of lightning sleet snow thunder and hail
its raining cats and dogs, its raining meat
youre in for a treat!
made out of babies, im crazy, im lazy
im akll alone walking the streets
flail crumple fold crumble fail
lift the veil
let me out of the bag !11
expose yourself
open up your trench coat
free yourself
get on all fours anrd spread your legs
raise your tail
display
its fucking payday. what do you say?
the peoples minds were dull, hardened and closed
i suppose
once its all said and done, at least we had a little fun
begged, borrowed, stolen bought and sold
fly too close to the sun
i never had wings to melt
tying off with a belt
the federations taking over the whole ball of wax
i want a piece of the action
ever since i can remember this is how ive felt
action/reaction cuse and effect
obfuscate and misdirect
vivisect
thats why i always do my best to stay wrecked
lucy, molly, rocks, shards
buds, suds, foxy methoxy
ephedrine, codeine
paper, plastic, glassine
hyposprays of cordrazine
rapid withdrawal, induced comas
drinking ether and huffing gasoline
amphetamine psychosis
cotton fever
im a believer
"whats the matter?"
"nothing new; i have a headache from the freon."
gerbil feeder dream weaver
gravitys gotcha in its clutches
it envelopes and implodes and folds
into a speck of dust
"the nothing" is coming to swallow all of us up
stifling in "the swamp of sadness"
the quicksand, "the man", the madness, the lovers, the blessed, the damned, the cigarette butts, the aluminum cans, the krugerrands
sucked down by the undertow
stygian black
let it all go.
fuck it all, just let the river flow
all by its lonesome.
No SubObject
Posted 9 years agoim sitting in my shattered glass house
im killing birdies with stones
i stole the early birdies worm, smoked 2 joints and got stoned
to death
alone
in the rubble out of breath
morning, afrternoon and night
white light of high beams in my head are blinding
whizzing like meteorites burning through the sky
i stretched the tape out from too much pawsing and rewinding
but i cann still see through the static
im signing on thhe dotted line with an 'x', im manic
rubbing sticks together futilely
i cant see
i dont know if ill ever sleep again
im freezing to death with broken bones and broken wings
out of sight, out of my mind
bitches and moans
cookies and cream
water and whine and whippets
victims and rapists
its all good, cuz fuck it, forget it; im too tired to fight. dont worry, im fine.
just skip to the next line.......
i creep softly trough the night, i carry a big dick
and jerk it
work it
the elephant man trapped in the circus
short circuit
dont fret or be inpatient (sic[k])
its just a slight glitch in the matrix
acid rain melts my fur and flesh and bone
steam cracking
naptha falling from the supercell
a snowball in hell
i need a hot air balloon to climb above the squall line
tell my mother im fine; im tacking into the wind
shelf clouds and sheer cliffs
derecho laying waste to crumbling cities
like the walls of jericho
save yourself
dont try to be a hero
or an emperor nero
its approaching absolute zero.
mares tails cirrus uncinus means rain is approaching
encroaching
god is pleased at the smell of flesh burning
fat churning turning transforming
making soap and candles and sandals and wood
paper from an extinct forest
the trees weep and they cry
they ooze sap like black blood
they cringe at the awful sound of buzzing chainsaws
they live hundreds of years, yet take just minutes to die
i wonder if insects have feelinGS?mm
do you or do i?
magnifying glass concentrating the sun rays until theyre sharp as a knife
stepping on ants, killing the queen
im the lord of the flies
i feel like an ant myself sometimes watcing the stars gleam
falling apart at the seams
every time i scratch the paper i can hear the trees scream
felled, cut, minced, pulverized, homogenized, bleached, transmogrified into reams
'le cœur de la mer' stops beating from the bleach dumping, obscene
the sound of wind howling through the branches and the dead leaves
falling
phantasmagoric fractals, foo fighters invading my dreams
its fantastic, bright lights strobing
an entire world made out of plastic
hiding in the latrine
ducking the fiends
merrily, merrily
ashes to ashes
life is but a bad dream
golems come to life before my eyes in front of the green screen
they hold hands and dance on strings
they make mud-love and do strange things
until i pull the 'shem' from their mouths and turn to dust
whos who, who knows, emet or met, truth or death
i try to leave well alone enough
im all set
the spring of hope is eternal unless youre a deep sea pacific turtle
girdled by a plastic 6 pack holder someone was too lazy to cut
up
downed
birds stuck in the muck flapping flailing helplessly in oil slicks
mud slides stinger missiles caltrops and dead eyes, whos the wiser
enough. gave up.
my ship came loose from the docks and sailed off without me
i miss my ship thats why i stay wrecked
the crazier the life, the harder the battle
i wonder if i hold the reins or if im wearing the saddle
no paddle, shit creek
every day, every week
therell be no earth left to inherit, but blessed are the meek
blessed be
all those who hunger and thirst for war, killing and dying for the rapture
babylons whores rewarded in the ever after
yeah, sure. whatever, you fucking bastards
youre the slaves, the niggers of the world will be the masters*
"a work that aspires, however humbly, to the condition of art should carry its justification in every line"**
divine
the masks we wear, skip hold hands without a care
justr as long as everyone pays their fucking fare
id like to be a pretty kitty cat, but id just be abused
some asshole would kick me and break some ribs just to be amused
for a moment
id be crated up, carted off and discarded
theyd only levae me one eye (if im lucky)
monstrous and retarded
didnt you know? cats dont cry.
maybe crushed under heels
skinned alive subject to fur coats and meat hooks
judged "good" or "bad" kitty just because of my looks2
turned inside out, vivisected, lethally injected (again, if im lucky)
septic infection, dejection
feral yet helpless and de-clawed, the system is flawed
the judge pounds the gavel, sentenced to diie
thats why im a fraud, im in disguise wearing my stupid ugly human suit
no surprise.
ask me questions, get a fistful of lies
"do you want to supersize? do you want fries???"
for the honorable, rise!!
incise
our callousness is our demise.........
every cats got a tale
if you speak the language theyll whisper it to yyou
so listen close
most have had a life a thousand times harder than you
doing it nine times is nine thousand times worse than doing it once
the knowledge that burns with the brilliance of a thousand suns
you cant hide but you can run
when its all said and done
maybde theyll tell you in the end:
"all i ever wanted was a friend."
hit 'send'
the end.
edit: this started as just 'stream of consciousness' stuff, but i made quite a few edits to it until i kinda liked it. ...now i think its only kinda stupid. ;p and hella long. my bad.
*"nigger" meaning oppressed people, people on the low rung of the ladder, whatever their race/gender/color/species/sexual orientation [or identity], soo plz dont be bitchy or butthurt. black, white, yellow, cat, dog, dragon, insect, fish..... ALL lives matter. <3 ......even grey and dark matters matter, im pretty sure. o.O
**joseph conrad, opening line of the book (an excellent book) the nigger of the narcissus
that is all. i love y'all.
im killing birdies with stones
i stole the early birdies worm, smoked 2 joints and got stoned
to death
alone
in the rubble out of breath
morning, afrternoon and night
white light of high beams in my head are blinding
whizzing like meteorites burning through the sky
i stretched the tape out from too much pawsing and rewinding
but i cann still see through the static
im signing on thhe dotted line with an 'x', im manic
rubbing sticks together futilely
i cant see
i dont know if ill ever sleep again
im freezing to death with broken bones and broken wings
out of sight, out of my mind
bitches and moans
cookies and cream
water and whine and whippets
victims and rapists
its all good, cuz fuck it, forget it; im too tired to fight. dont worry, im fine.
just skip to the next line.......
i creep softly trough the night, i carry a big dick
and jerk it
work it
the elephant man trapped in the circus
short circuit
dont fret or be inpatient (sic[k])
its just a slight glitch in the matrix
acid rain melts my fur and flesh and bone
steam cracking
naptha falling from the supercell
a snowball in hell
i need a hot air balloon to climb above the squall line
tell my mother im fine; im tacking into the wind
shelf clouds and sheer cliffs
derecho laying waste to crumbling cities
like the walls of jericho
save yourself
dont try to be a hero
or an emperor nero
its approaching absolute zero.
mares tails cirrus uncinus means rain is approaching
encroaching
god is pleased at the smell of flesh burning
fat churning turning transforming
making soap and candles and sandals and wood
paper from an extinct forest
the trees weep and they cry
they ooze sap like black blood
they cringe at the awful sound of buzzing chainsaws
they live hundreds of years, yet take just minutes to die
i wonder if insects have feelinGS?mm
do you or do i?
magnifying glass concentrating the sun rays until theyre sharp as a knife
stepping on ants, killing the queen
im the lord of the flies
i feel like an ant myself sometimes watcing the stars gleam
falling apart at the seams
every time i scratch the paper i can hear the trees scream
felled, cut, minced, pulverized, homogenized, bleached, transmogrified into reams
'le cœur de la mer' stops beating from the bleach dumping, obscene
the sound of wind howling through the branches and the dead leaves
falling
phantasmagoric fractals, foo fighters invading my dreams
its fantastic, bright lights strobing
an entire world made out of plastic
hiding in the latrine
ducking the fiends
merrily, merrily
ashes to ashes
life is but a bad dream
golems come to life before my eyes in front of the green screen
they hold hands and dance on strings
they make mud-love and do strange things
until i pull the 'shem' from their mouths and turn to dust
whos who, who knows, emet or met, truth or death
i try to leave well alone enough
im all set
the spring of hope is eternal unless youre a deep sea pacific turtle
girdled by a plastic 6 pack holder someone was too lazy to cut
up
downed
birds stuck in the muck flapping flailing helplessly in oil slicks
mud slides stinger missiles caltrops and dead eyes, whos the wiser
enough. gave up.
my ship came loose from the docks and sailed off without me
i miss my ship thats why i stay wrecked
the crazier the life, the harder the battle
i wonder if i hold the reins or if im wearing the saddle
no paddle, shit creek
every day, every week
therell be no earth left to inherit, but blessed are the meek
blessed be
all those who hunger and thirst for war, killing and dying for the rapture
babylons whores rewarded in the ever after
yeah, sure. whatever, you fucking bastards
youre the slaves, the niggers of the world will be the masters*
"a work that aspires, however humbly, to the condition of art should carry its justification in every line"**
divine
the masks we wear, skip hold hands without a care
justr as long as everyone pays their fucking fare
id like to be a pretty kitty cat, but id just be abused
some asshole would kick me and break some ribs just to be amused
for a moment
id be crated up, carted off and discarded
theyd only levae me one eye (if im lucky)
monstrous and retarded
didnt you know? cats dont cry.
maybe crushed under heels
skinned alive subject to fur coats and meat hooks
judged "good" or "bad" kitty just because of my looks2
turned inside out, vivisected, lethally injected (again, if im lucky)
septic infection, dejection
feral yet helpless and de-clawed, the system is flawed
the judge pounds the gavel, sentenced to diie
thats why im a fraud, im in disguise wearing my stupid ugly human suit
no surprise.
ask me questions, get a fistful of lies
"do you want to supersize? do you want fries???"
for the honorable, rise!!
incise
our callousness is our demise.........
every cats got a tale
if you speak the language theyll whisper it to yyou
so listen close
most have had a life a thousand times harder than you
doing it nine times is nine thousand times worse than doing it once
the knowledge that burns with the brilliance of a thousand suns
you cant hide but you can run
when its all said and done
maybde theyll tell you in the end:
"all i ever wanted was a friend."
hit 'send'
the end.
edit: this started as just 'stream of consciousness' stuff, but i made quite a few edits to it until i kinda liked it. ...now i think its only kinda stupid. ;p and hella long. my bad.
*"nigger" meaning oppressed people, people on the low rung of the ladder, whatever their race/gender/color/species/sexual orientation [or identity], soo plz dont be bitchy or butthurt. black, white, yellow, cat, dog, dragon, insect, fish..... ALL lives matter. <3 ......even grey and dark matters matter, im pretty sure. o.O
**joseph conrad, opening line of the book (an excellent book) the nigger of the narcissus
that is all. i love y'all.
a silly little blurb
Posted 9 years agomy mind is spinning and swirling flotsam to the surface
and every fiber of my being tells me that im worthless
yet i remain calm like a storms eye on the stratosphere and beyond
i blast off when i wake up and im gone
repurposed
a flare on the face of the sun
a man on the moon
a jovian ammonia tornado white gas monsoon
the dark side of the firmament
hhas no purpose for
cats who dont care to even look up or stare
or dont even dare
reach up for the stars and like pussy in cars
jonny's afraid to penetrate the membrane
lamenting all the sob stories and exaggerated earthly battle scars
never touching the ceiling
let alone the heavens
its all made of glass and paint and leaven bread for pharisees
anyway
i eat piss and breathe dejection for breakfst and shit a 7 course suicide ideology for dinner
im unfortunately wreckless
of course im a sinner
its difficult being judged by
mr. anonymous
i cant see
dont know
if im ,jb,jn,n
saint or sinner enough
im surrounded by sand i cant eat
and an ocean i cant drink
and chemicals that make it really really fucking hard to think
and cigarettes
that make it so that i cant breathe
and hot shots of dope that routinely kill me
can i shoot this pill
can i put it in my arm?
i solemnly swear to do my shit the way it does the most harm
always
no shit.
its a badge of pride
but one of these days WhOOPSY DAISY
id curse DOG to death if i die for real the next time. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
edit: these drunken ramblings were the result of too much vodka and star trek and it means absolutely fucking nothing. :3 have a nice day. :)
and every fiber of my being tells me that im worthless
yet i remain calm like a storms eye on the stratosphere and beyond
i blast off when i wake up and im gone
repurposed
a flare on the face of the sun
a man on the moon
a jovian ammonia tornado white gas monsoon
the dark side of the firmament
hhas no purpose for
cats who dont care to even look up or stare
or dont even dare
reach up for the stars and like pussy in cars
jonny's afraid to penetrate the membrane
lamenting all the sob stories and exaggerated earthly battle scars
never touching the ceiling
let alone the heavens
its all made of glass and paint and leaven bread for pharisees
anyway
i eat piss and breathe dejection for breakfst and shit a 7 course suicide ideology for dinner
im unfortunately wreckless
of course im a sinner
its difficult being judged by
mr. anonymous
i cant see
dont know
if im ,jb,jn,n
saint or sinner enough
im surrounded by sand i cant eat
and an ocean i cant drink
and chemicals that make it really really fucking hard to think
and cigarettes
that make it so that i cant breathe
and hot shots of dope that routinely kill me
can i shoot this pill
can i put it in my arm?
i solemnly swear to do my shit the way it does the most harm
always
no shit.
its a badge of pride
but one of these days WhOOPSY DAISY
id curse DOG to death if i die for real the next time. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
edit: these drunken ramblings were the result of too much vodka and star trek and it means absolutely fucking nothing. :3 have a nice day. :)
im back.
Posted 9 years agowho am i kidding? ....i cant leave fa and never come back; what am i gonna do for porn? x.x
i have decided i need to put down my kitty cat alter ego for good .....im not sure yet by hnging or firing squad, but i really want x fucking dead and buried. im thinking maybe if i created a "character" instead of "having a fursona", i could just splash around in the kiddie pool again like i did in the good ol days instead of taking myself too seriously. IRC used to be endless fun back in like 2004-2006. i went onto furnet not too long ago to take its pulse, and as far as i could tell, it was dead dead dead. in the last few years, i hvent even found anyone who wants to yiff roleplay anymore; wtf happened with tht, yo? im a hot bitchy catboi inna pink skirt, for fucks sake. XP does anyone even do that shit anymore? o.o meh.
i will always be feline at heart that will never change. for now, i will have to be a fandom of 1.
thanks to the really nice aminal people who said nice things to me whenn 9i had my little crisis - all my little crises, for that matter. i have been surrounded by so much death and its been a catalyst for change. or maybe thats not it at all. i dont know . i just lost one a few hours ago, as a matter of fact: a close one.......but i digress.
to you pawful or so of awesome people: i will let you know who or what or where i am once im finished burning this shit down and building something fresh. <3
to certain others among you: eat shit.
to the rest of you: peace and love~
~ben
i have decided i need to put down my kitty cat alter ego for good .....im not sure yet by hnging or firing squad, but i really want x fucking dead and buried. im thinking maybe if i created a "character" instead of "having a fursona", i could just splash around in the kiddie pool again like i did in the good ol days instead of taking myself too seriously. IRC used to be endless fun back in like 2004-2006. i went onto furnet not too long ago to take its pulse, and as far as i could tell, it was dead dead dead. in the last few years, i hvent even found anyone who wants to yiff roleplay anymore; wtf happened with tht, yo? im a hot bitchy catboi inna pink skirt, for fucks sake. XP does anyone even do that shit anymore? o.o meh.
i will always be feline at heart that will never change. for now, i will have to be a fandom of 1.
thanks to the really nice aminal people who said nice things to me whenn 9i had my little crisis - all my little crises, for that matter. i have been surrounded by so much death and its been a catalyst for change. or maybe thats not it at all. i dont know . i just lost one a few hours ago, as a matter of fact: a close one.......but i digress.
to you pawful or so of awesome people: i will let you know who or what or where i am once im finished burning this shit down and building something fresh. <3
to certain others among you: eat shit.
to the rest of you: peace and love~
~ben
im out.
Posted 9 years agothe fandom has completely lost itx charm for me. once upon a time, i had like 100,000 furry friends, but now it is sooo much different. there used to be love, love, love and we fed it to each other like candy and passed it around like a bowl of nuts and everything was gravy, and now that love is just like.....not there anymore. or maybe its just me whos changed and im just a bitter old burned fur (<--- dont you dare click me: youll regret it), but i dont think thats the case because damnit we used to really look out for each other and take care of one another, and i hardly see that anymore.
dont get me wrong, there are a couople reallyy awesome cats here and there, and you know who the hell you are. ive threatened to leave before and someone or another gifted me justt enough hope to try to stick wit it but now i can hardly sign in anymore or look at the screen without feeling ill like clockwork orange style. all the magic is gone and i lament that more than words can explain.
sooo ill bid you all good health peace love and bye bye, at least for now. maybe ill be back in a week, maybe a month, maybe a year, maybe never. i might delete myself from the internet, i might not - time will tell. i am 100% sure i dont have any real friends here anymore. maybe someone will shoot me some quick platitudes then promptly forget me, and thats the way it is i guess.
if its doing it for you, im happy for you.
peace out.
~x
dont get me wrong, there are a couople reallyy awesome cats here and there, and you know who the hell you are. ive threatened to leave before and someone or another gifted me justt enough hope to try to stick wit it but now i can hardly sign in anymore or look at the screen without feeling ill like clockwork orange style. all the magic is gone and i lament that more than words can explain.
sooo ill bid you all good health peace love and bye bye, at least for now. maybe ill be back in a week, maybe a month, maybe a year, maybe never. i might delete myself from the internet, i might not - time will tell. i am 100% sure i dont have any real friends here anymore. maybe someone will shoot me some quick platitudes then promptly forget me, and thats the way it is i guess.
if its doing it for you, im happy for you.
peace out.
~x
HaPPY HOLIDaYS my little droogies.
Posted 9 years ago.....i couldnt begin to say "meow" to all the people id like to meow at on here without it taking all fucking day, soo ill just make a totally impersonal journal and hope all my people understand. :3
I WISH YOU aLL THE BEST for the holidays and lookin forward to a super sweet '16
peace.
I WISH YOU aLL THE BEST for the holidays and lookin forward to a super sweet '16
peace.
sorry for being a big baby
Posted 9 years ago...i just hte this time of the year. X3
ugh.
Posted 9 years agoeveryone is dying all around me.
im confined to this claustrophobic space.
im drinking so much and taking so much shit, if you dont hear from me, dont worry, im straight wherever i am.
i just spilled soo much vodka on my phone i doubt itll ever work again.
i almost just did something awful.....i wont elaborate.
if i stop posting then something happened, and peace yall. its been fun. not.
.....at least i9n tried.
im confined to this claustrophobic space.
im drinking so much and taking so much shit, if you dont hear from me, dont worry, im straight wherever i am.
i just spilled soo much vodka on my phone i doubt itll ever work again.
i almost just did something awful.....i wont elaborate.
if i stop posting then something happened, and peace yall. its been fun. not.
.....at least i9n tried.
im on the porch and there are like a hundred mice
Posted 9 years agotheyre crawling in and out of the cracks of the walls - i turned around a couple minutes ago and there were like 3 mice staring at me, and they were like "eeek!" and scurried away. O_o they were like "CAATTTT!!!!" X3 ...im outside on the porch...apparently they live in the garage......and the walls. or theyre breeding in the walls and migrating into the garage. winter is coning fast. x.x
i really love the mice. when i lived in the attic of my mothers house, theyd just come up to me for pettings and id be like "hey." and pet them, or notx, depending on how drunk i was and what mood i was in, but they were very very trusting. my miniature schnauzer homeboy used to gingerly bring me little mice in his teeth, and drop them in front of me, and id pet them and pet them and the dog would play with them and gently *batbat* them and paw at them, and we treated them sooo gentile and we were all buddies.
years later, no longer in the attic and minus one dog, my cats would bring me mice, and we would *batbatbat!!* them around in like a circle-jerk and mess with them for a spell. then my cats would usually kill it. or sometimes i would when my cats would fuck them up beyond the realm of decency.
...soo, im ambivalent as to whether their lives matter, or if they are completely disposable creatures. i guess that must be simpkly my catness and humanness at odds. *shrug*
these ones, however, are scurrying around the garage and in the cracks of the house; i dont have as much sympathy for them, because im not cohabiting with them and i dont know where theyve been. my mom wants to poison the fuckers. XP ...at first i was like 'NOOOO NOT MY FURRY FRIENDS!!" Q_Q ...but then i was like "...waitt a damn minute, these guys have to go." there are like a hundred little mice; theyre absolutely fucking everywhere. X_X
EDIT: as i was sitting here, I JUST FOUND ONE UNDER MEEE!!! ...cuz i was sitting on my haunches. @_@ little bastards.
i really love the mice. when i lived in the attic of my mothers house, theyd just come up to me for pettings and id be like "hey." and pet them, or notx, depending on how drunk i was and what mood i was in, but they were very very trusting. my miniature schnauzer homeboy used to gingerly bring me little mice in his teeth, and drop them in front of me, and id pet them and pet them and the dog would play with them and gently *batbat* them and paw at them, and we treated them sooo gentile and we were all buddies.
years later, no longer in the attic and minus one dog, my cats would bring me mice, and we would *batbatbat!!* them around in like a circle-jerk and mess with them for a spell. then my cats would usually kill it. or sometimes i would when my cats would fuck them up beyond the realm of decency.
...soo, im ambivalent as to whether their lives matter, or if they are completely disposable creatures. i guess that must be simpkly my catness and humanness at odds. *shrug*
these ones, however, are scurrying around the garage and in the cracks of the house; i dont have as much sympathy for them, because im not cohabiting with them and i dont know where theyve been. my mom wants to poison the fuckers. XP ...at first i was like 'NOOOO NOT MY FURRY FRIENDS!!" Q_Q ...but then i was like "...waitt a damn minute, these guys have to go." there are like a hundred little mice; theyre absolutely fucking everywhere. X_X
EDIT: as i was sitting here, I JUST FOUND ONE UNDER MEEE!!! ...cuz i was sitting on my haunches. @_@ little bastards.
My friends 9 year old daughter kissed me on the lips. XD
Posted 9 years agoYou wouldn't believe how cute it was. A year or two ago, my friend Jill's daughter Breezy was awful to me: called me a faggot and a hippie and a weirdo. And creepy, which broke my heart. Since then, she's been perfectly cool.....but it came on gradually. A few days after her birthday, I gave her a belated birthday present: ltsmiley's book Qwuedeviv 'we come with peas' and she was like "alien kitties??!?! I can totally dig that...."
I kissed my friend goodbye, then, I asked her for a kiss too (like on the cheek i was thinking), and she kissed me right on the mouth. It was totally sweet and cute and.....yeah.
SPEAKING OF
ltsmiley, go buy some aRt from her. she really could use the help right now. Anyone who reads my journals (and id be lucky if that's even one. x.x), you'd know I don't "signal boost" or put up advertisements.....I like to use my journal for journal stuff.....HOWEVER, there might be an opportunity here cuz her art is so awesome and shell be shutting down commissions after she's done with this batch. And she's a great artist and an awesome person.....err qwuedeviv. .soo what I'm trying. To say is that she needs the support if you can, and you'll get some bitchin art out of the deal. ;3
That's all. x.x
I kissed my friend goodbye, then, I asked her for a kiss too (like on the cheek i was thinking), and she kissed me right on the mouth. It was totally sweet and cute and.....yeah.
SPEAKING OF
ltsmiley, go buy some aRt from her. she really could use the help right now. Anyone who reads my journals (and id be lucky if that's even one. x.x), you'd know I don't "signal boost" or put up advertisements.....I like to use my journal for journal stuff.....HOWEVER, there might be an opportunity here cuz her art is so awesome and shell be shutting down commissions after she's done with this batch. And she's a great artist and an awesome person.....err qwuedeviv. .soo what I'm trying. To say is that she needs the support if you can, and you'll get some bitchin art out of the deal. ;3That's all. x.x
PETITION TO REMOVE ADULT ADS FROM FA - PLEASE SIGN.
Posted 9 years agohttp://www.ipetitions.com/petition/.....move-adult-ads
dont get me wrong, im all for porn. i love porn. but its not appropriate to advertise it in an ART gallery. people on FA are serious about their art, and the IMVU people and the FA staff treat it like its a joke. i go fo FA to see fuzz, fluff, butterflies and rainbows and unicorns and frosting, not naked apes inserting things in each other. if i want to see that, i will go to a porn site. or, better yet, ill go out and find a girl or a boy to get with, problem solved - but for the love of god keep it off of FA, which is sacrosanct to artists and their patrons, or we will go somewhere else en masse.
there is an easy fix for this. use an ad-blocker, whats the harm in that, right? WRONG, what about all these artists who bought advertising space, not knowing this turn of events was to transpire, and now all of a sudden everyone is blocking all the ads, including theirs? that is SUPREMELY unfair. ive discovered a TON of awesome artists via the advertising banners, and i will tolerate the porn ads out of respect for those who buy space there.
not to mention it violates FA's own TOS, which states clearly you are not allowed to link to and/or display human porn on the site, yet they flood us with this crap. the hypocrisy there is just staggering.
ive even heard of people seeing ads for RAPE porn. i dont even know what to say about that shit. x.x (i like rape porn, but not everyone is as perverted as i am. i have been a victim, but i handle it differently i guess. enantiodromia maybe? xp)
ANDDD it just makes furries look like shit. shittier than we already are, anyway. people already think what they think about us, and i dont care. but its nice to be able to link my page to non-furry friends, show my art to my friends kids and what not.....if these poen ads persist, ill certainly never do any of that again.
thank you
masahikoko for starting this petition. his journal can be found here ----> http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/6831679/
~x
.
derp.
Posted 9 years ago....just making a new journal to displace the last embarrassing one i made....i wish they werent displayed so prominently and in their entirety righttt on your page x.x
yo guys these FEMA camps are scary stuff......the internment and resettlement document (AKA FM 3-39.40) sounds more than a bit hypothetical to mee. :| ...same with the request to conduct realistic military training (RMT) (AKA JADE HELM 15) ....why do they want to disguise themselves as civilians to "infiltrate us" if not as a preamble to MARTIAL LAW?? these documents are very telling and speak for themselves. i dont think i need to put a lot of commentary here if you just look at these fucking things.
...i think i want to get the hell off this rock O_O
☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢
yo guys these FEMA camps are scary stuff......the internment and resettlement document (AKA FM 3-39.40) sounds more than a bit hypothetical to mee. :| ...same with the request to conduct realistic military training (RMT) (AKA JADE HELM 15) ....why do they want to disguise themselves as civilians to "infiltrate us" if not as a preamble to MARTIAL LAW?? these documents are very telling and speak for themselves. i dont think i need to put a lot of commentary here if you just look at these fucking things.
...i think i want to get the hell off this rock O_O
☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢☢
.i just need someone to listen' for once
Posted 9 years ago....if anybodys reading this (i would be amazed o.o), please let me premise: i dont even need or expect a response, so reaching out a helping paw would be stupid and embarrassing at this point i just need to put this out there.
i,m feeling soo fucked up and down lately, and its crazy.....once upon a time, when i entered the furry scene, i had a ton of friends - a ton of people who could be counted on - would be there for me, listen to me, say they loved me, roleplay snuggling/nuzzling, giving me hugs and scitchings and all that frosting...right now, i have like....a couple people (not furries: i have zero of them) who i barely trust. any time they hit a snag, i immediately say "how can i help? what can i do? should i come over? wanna cme over here? wanna meet me for coffee, i dont care that i havent slept in a week and i was about to go to bed, ill sit and listen to all your bullshit for countless hours, not a fucking problem...my time is unlimited!" anything and everything. when im feeling so blue i wanna off myself, i dont subtly cry for help, or try to overdose on asprin or tylenol. i cry "HELPPP!!!" in the loudest voice possible to anyone who i think might care, or i just check myself into a fucking hospital, because i know im capable of some crazy shit when i go on a crash and burn. even people i was just there for yesterday dont want to listen to me, be with me...nothin. i get vague pity and sympathy (which is not whayt i ask for), empty promises and indifference. i am such a bleeding heart i do fucking everything for everyone, random strangers who are going through it...i give them money to get on the bus when they dont have it, i buy them a beer, a hot meal...i lend an ear, i give them a place to live for months on end and dont charge them a cent....i give them my last dollar. furries, when i hear a plea for help/attention, even a subtle one, even vent art from 6 months ago....i message them and tell them "i am here for whatever/whenever...if you message me, i will get back to you within hours because i dont sleep. contact me any time of the day or night, im down to talk about anything under the sun and i can keep a secret." and theyre like "oh uhh thanks, but i have friends for that." well if you have friends, why are you trying to elicit pity from everyone around you? or why do you make your shit so public if you have close people who will listen to you, to boost your ego by getting 70 messages of how much youll be missed in the community, wah wahhh? .....usually when i see a message "im fucking depressed nobody likes me i wanna kill myself blah blah," i kind of expect that means they have nobody in the world to talk to, and just to clarify, thats not what im doing here. if this were a cry for help, id be crying "HELLPPPP!", trust.
im just frustrated. my best friend, i told her lately that im completely lacking physical affection and intimacy. i dont want GENUINE CONCERN FOR MY WELL BEING, or for my physical safety (i.e. harming myself), i ask this girl to come snuggle with me and hold me and pet me and tell me everything is alright cuz im adfraid to go to sleep (which ive done for her a thousand times), instead, she promises "of course baby im always here for you, ill be right over!", and then comes over and bitches to me about her ex-boyfriend for endless hours and then tells me she has to leave. x.x umm where did my DESPERATE NEED get lost in the shuffle? O_o
now, id maybe get some different/better friends, but where? if there are some people like me out there: true and loyal friends willing to do whatever to comfort and nurture their loved ones, i cant fucking find them. maybe im looking in the wrong place?
i try to find some of that online, in the fandom. it has worked for me before: ive made some amazing friends here amd on IRC, FurFright, and i felt like maybe if i got back into the fandom again, i could count on these people id been talking to online for years, gone to their house, fucked them....or not. but i figured i could start up again easiky enough and make some different friends and id be better for it, as well as those i give my affection to. heh, no. example: one of my "friends", someone i cared about and i thought cared about me too.....known him for at least 6 or 7 years...after my wife left me, i was seriously depressed and just wanted to end it. vi reached out, said "hey dude, long time no see, how has everything been going for you?" he said he was good, moved a bit away....i told him what was wrong, and he was like :O "dude, thats terrible....im going to come pick you up and take you to my house and keep you for like a week....i know a bunch of cool people, well trip, well have a grand time and you can take your mind off your troubles." i was excited, i wanted to go. buttt he never showed up or called. ;-; ...i called him a ton of times, he didnt answer my calls for a while. since then its been knida "hey, sup dude? hows life?" "really shitty." "oh, that sucks." .....and thats it. thanks for nothing motherfucker.
i look at these REALLY SHITTY furs who get gift art all the time, and are like "hay thx but you forgot the butterfly tattoo on my butt." really? o.o ive never gotten just a "SURPRISE!!" gift like that, its always been like, in casual conversation that i need to get more art, then it was offered, and then they worked on and id get it a week later or something (not that im ungrateful, it was reallyyy nice of them to do that<3). and tnats happened...twice in my ten or twelve year tenure as a fuzzy. nobody ever just sprung a piece on me cuz i was feeling down. im white hot with envy at people who are loved for themselves, even tho theyre really shitty people. how do they manage it? >.<!! LET ME BE VERY CLEAR:if someone gives me a surprise gift in response to this pity party, i will be really mad. im not whining that i dont get enough presents or that art will even necessarily make me feel better, i just wish i had people that thought about me. out of nowhere. just because. and wondered how im doing. and showed their affection *somehow* other than "hay that sux man. id help if i could but...i wont." i would love to feel special just for a day, instead of meerly "im just here occupying space.", or worse completely invalidated. birthdays are a good example. i dont get cards, nobody calls me.....i have a mommy and daddy who are nice, cordial kinda, but usually it ends up with them picking a fight with me for no real reason. i wont post my burthday publicly cuz i know nobodys gonna say "hi," or give me a gift, and thats gonna make me feel like fucking garbage. my wifes been giving me a lot of attention lately, but thats because shes miserable and alone...and SHE fucked it up permanently between us, so that kind of attention is selfish and detrimental to me having any semblance of stability.....it just confuses me more. x.x she tells me how beautiful i am, and how much she misses and lovess me, and how much she regrets calling the police on me and accusing me of raping her and beating her, when i was away at fucking rehab at the time and had a solid alibi where i was and wouldnt have done that bulshit anyway, she just wanted to put me in jail because she was mad at me and wanted to see me burnnn....but i got falsely arrested for that nonetheless, and had to prove my innovense. wht if i wasnt away at rehab; what if i didnt have an alibi? i would still be in jail right now!! that doesnt make me feel loved - it makes me feel like a commodity, a piece of meat. fucking rotten meat, bought and sold, and now im back on the open market because "shes lonelyyy," and im a sucker. fuckk that.
im just so tired. id love to just check out right now, butt i have a warped sense of guilt that the people ive been begging for help and hvent been particularly helpful when i needed them might feel guilty that they werent particularly helpful when i needed them. guilty that they werent there for me and didnt help me when i asked, or didnt help when they had the chance. even though they werent there and didnt help (or at best only barely helped). isnt that fucked up?? ive been openly telling people im spending a lot (a lot a lot o.o) of time on a site called "lost all hope", a website giving you pointers on ways to kill one self (if one were so inclined, which im not [necessarily]), and theyre just like "noo, you probably shouldnt do that, then id be alone!" or "i need you too much" or "you cant be that selfish, you cant do that to me or your "loved ones" me selfish? thats fucking selfishness in its purist form.......or the best argument yet "...but then youd be dead and that would be bad." HAH!! ive even got one like....god...friend, who says "wah wah, if you killed yourself you couldnt get into heaven." :( boo fucking hoo, i dont wanna go there anyway.
i dont think theres anything more to say. if you read this, thanks for listening. FOR THE RECORD i am in no danger of hurting myself....but im worried i might do something incredibly stupid, like dare some bugged out meth head to shoot me. hah well then id have nothing to worry about anymore would i? ;p problem solved.
edit: let me be PERFECTLY CLEAR: i am not in danger of hurting myself or anyone else. theres a difference between having a deathwish and being suicidal. suicidal implies you want to/intend to take steps to off yourself....having a deathwish is kinda normal for a lot of us, i think o.o lets just say, if a stray bullet happens to fund me or a bolt of lightning strikes me down.....well, id be alright with that.
DISCLAIMER: this is a work of fiction. events and places and people have been changed for creative purposes. >.>;;; ...mmhmmm.
i,m feeling soo fucked up and down lately, and its crazy.....once upon a time, when i entered the furry scene, i had a ton of friends - a ton of people who could be counted on - would be there for me, listen to me, say they loved me, roleplay snuggling/nuzzling, giving me hugs and scitchings and all that frosting...right now, i have like....a couple people (not furries: i have zero of them) who i barely trust. any time they hit a snag, i immediately say "how can i help? what can i do? should i come over? wanna cme over here? wanna meet me for coffee, i dont care that i havent slept in a week and i was about to go to bed, ill sit and listen to all your bullshit for countless hours, not a fucking problem...my time is unlimited!" anything and everything. when im feeling so blue i wanna off myself, i dont subtly cry for help, or try to overdose on asprin or tylenol. i cry "HELPPP!!!" in the loudest voice possible to anyone who i think might care, or i just check myself into a fucking hospital, because i know im capable of some crazy shit when i go on a crash and burn. even people i was just there for yesterday dont want to listen to me, be with me...nothin. i get vague pity and sympathy (which is not whayt i ask for), empty promises and indifference. i am such a bleeding heart i do fucking everything for everyone, random strangers who are going through it...i give them money to get on the bus when they dont have it, i buy them a beer, a hot meal...i lend an ear, i give them a place to live for months on end and dont charge them a cent....i give them my last dollar. furries, when i hear a plea for help/attention, even a subtle one, even vent art from 6 months ago....i message them and tell them "i am here for whatever/whenever...if you message me, i will get back to you within hours because i dont sleep. contact me any time of the day or night, im down to talk about anything under the sun and i can keep a secret." and theyre like "oh uhh thanks, but i have friends for that." well if you have friends, why are you trying to elicit pity from everyone around you? or why do you make your shit so public if you have close people who will listen to you, to boost your ego by getting 70 messages of how much youll be missed in the community, wah wahhh? .....usually when i see a message "im fucking depressed nobody likes me i wanna kill myself blah blah," i kind of expect that means they have nobody in the world to talk to, and just to clarify, thats not what im doing here. if this were a cry for help, id be crying "HELLPPPP!", trust.
im just frustrated. my best friend, i told her lately that im completely lacking physical affection and intimacy. i dont want GENUINE CONCERN FOR MY WELL BEING, or for my physical safety (i.e. harming myself), i ask this girl to come snuggle with me and hold me and pet me and tell me everything is alright cuz im adfraid to go to sleep (which ive done for her a thousand times), instead, she promises "of course baby im always here for you, ill be right over!", and then comes over and bitches to me about her ex-boyfriend for endless hours and then tells me she has to leave. x.x umm where did my DESPERATE NEED get lost in the shuffle? O_o
now, id maybe get some different/better friends, but where? if there are some people like me out there: true and loyal friends willing to do whatever to comfort and nurture their loved ones, i cant fucking find them. maybe im looking in the wrong place?
i try to find some of that online, in the fandom. it has worked for me before: ive made some amazing friends here amd on IRC, FurFright, and i felt like maybe if i got back into the fandom again, i could count on these people id been talking to online for years, gone to their house, fucked them....or not. but i figured i could start up again easiky enough and make some different friends and id be better for it, as well as those i give my affection to. heh, no. example: one of my "friends", someone i cared about and i thought cared about me too.....known him for at least 6 or 7 years...after my wife left me, i was seriously depressed and just wanted to end it. vi reached out, said "hey dude, long time no see, how has everything been going for you?" he said he was good, moved a bit away....i told him what was wrong, and he was like :O "dude, thats terrible....im going to come pick you up and take you to my house and keep you for like a week....i know a bunch of cool people, well trip, well have a grand time and you can take your mind off your troubles." i was excited, i wanted to go. buttt he never showed up or called. ;-; ...i called him a ton of times, he didnt answer my calls for a while. since then its been knida "hey, sup dude? hows life?" "really shitty." "oh, that sucks." .....and thats it. thanks for nothing motherfucker.
i look at these REALLY SHITTY furs who get gift art all the time, and are like "hay thx but you forgot the butterfly tattoo on my butt." really? o.o ive never gotten just a "SURPRISE!!" gift like that, its always been like, in casual conversation that i need to get more art, then it was offered, and then they worked on and id get it a week later or something (not that im ungrateful, it was reallyyy nice of them to do that<3). and tnats happened...twice in my ten or twelve year tenure as a fuzzy. nobody ever just sprung a piece on me cuz i was feeling down. im white hot with envy at people who are loved for themselves, even tho theyre really shitty people. how do they manage it? >.<!! LET ME BE VERY CLEAR:if someone gives me a surprise gift in response to this pity party, i will be really mad. im not whining that i dont get enough presents or that art will even necessarily make me feel better, i just wish i had people that thought about me. out of nowhere. just because. and wondered how im doing. and showed their affection *somehow* other than "hay that sux man. id help if i could but...i wont." i would love to feel special just for a day, instead of meerly "im just here occupying space.", or worse completely invalidated. birthdays are a good example. i dont get cards, nobody calls me.....i have a mommy and daddy who are nice, cordial kinda, but usually it ends up with them picking a fight with me for no real reason. i wont post my burthday publicly cuz i know nobodys gonna say "hi," or give me a gift, and thats gonna make me feel like fucking garbage. my wifes been giving me a lot of attention lately, but thats because shes miserable and alone...and SHE fucked it up permanently between us, so that kind of attention is selfish and detrimental to me having any semblance of stability.....it just confuses me more. x.x she tells me how beautiful i am, and how much she misses and lovess me, and how much she regrets calling the police on me and accusing me of raping her and beating her, when i was away at fucking rehab at the time and had a solid alibi where i was and wouldnt have done that bulshit anyway, she just wanted to put me in jail because she was mad at me and wanted to see me burnnn....but i got falsely arrested for that nonetheless, and had to prove my innovense. wht if i wasnt away at rehab; what if i didnt have an alibi? i would still be in jail right now!! that doesnt make me feel loved - it makes me feel like a commodity, a piece of meat. fucking rotten meat, bought and sold, and now im back on the open market because "shes lonelyyy," and im a sucker. fuckk that.
im just so tired. id love to just check out right now, butt i have a warped sense of guilt that the people ive been begging for help and hvent been particularly helpful when i needed them might feel guilty that they werent particularly helpful when i needed them. guilty that they werent there for me and didnt help me when i asked, or didnt help when they had the chance. even though they werent there and didnt help (or at best only barely helped). isnt that fucked up?? ive been openly telling people im spending a lot (a lot a lot o.o) of time on a site called "lost all hope", a website giving you pointers on ways to kill one self (if one were so inclined, which im not [necessarily]), and theyre just like "noo, you probably shouldnt do that, then id be alone!" or "i need you too much" or "you cant be that selfish, you cant do that to me or your "loved ones" me selfish? thats fucking selfishness in its purist form.......or the best argument yet "...but then youd be dead and that would be bad." HAH!! ive even got one like....god...friend, who says "wah wah, if you killed yourself you couldnt get into heaven." :( boo fucking hoo, i dont wanna go there anyway.
i dont think theres anything more to say. if you read this, thanks for listening. FOR THE RECORD i am in no danger of hurting myself....but im worried i might do something incredibly stupid, like dare some bugged out meth head to shoot me. hah well then id have nothing to worry about anymore would i? ;p problem solved.
edit: let me be PERFECTLY CLEAR: i am not in danger of hurting myself or anyone else. theres a difference between having a deathwish and being suicidal. suicidal implies you want to/intend to take steps to off yourself....having a deathwish is kinda normal for a lot of us, i think o.o lets just say, if a stray bullet happens to fund me or a bolt of lightning strikes me down.....well, id be alright with that.
DISCLAIMER: this is a work of fiction. events and places and people have been changed for creative purposes. >.>;;; ...mmhmmm.
ill be jumping around between sacramento and tracy, CA
Posted 9 years agoif any norcal furs want to get up and chill, maybe smoke some weed. <3 i dont have a car here, soo it would have to be either close to public transportation or we'd have to chill around here, but thats the nice thing about california - public transportation will take you almost anywhere ^_^ ill also be looking for a furmeet around here, if anyone knows of one, be sure to let me know!
stay awesome everyone!
stay awesome everyone!
my fursona (for the record)
Posted 9 years agoIVE BEEN MAKING UPDATES TO THIS ALL THE TIME, AS I REALIZE THERE ARE BLATANT THINGS I HAVE FORGOTTEN/LEFT OUT
I AM SORRY, THIS IS NO SUBSTITUTE FOR A REF SHEET X_X
DESCRIPTION (divided into III parts: physical attributes, behaviors and attitude): X is a Russian blue tomcat. His fur is short and dense and looks slate/grey in the dark but has a silvery-blue iridescent shine when the light hits his silver-tipped fur. He's lithe and toned, kinda curvy for a male, long legs, stands exactly 2 meters tall digitigrade with a strong tail approximately 1.2 meters long that curls up at the tip slightly with faint stripes and is fluffy (but not too fluffy, and he is envious of other furs super-fluffy tails and totallyy wishes he had one, as they look -incredible- to curl up with and use as a pillow). He has piercing emerald green eyes and relatively straight long blue hair, darker than his fur, which he keeps in a ponytail: long strands often mask his eyes, but he'd often rather not see anyway or let anybody peer into his soul. He often adopts weird, kinda knees together effeminate poses without realizing it. If he is clothed, which is often not the case, he's usually wearing his favorite worn out baggy nine inch nails hoodie, and a short pink skirt, panties underneath, if you get that lucky ;3 ...or ripped up, fucked up baggy jeans covered in cigarette holes. His skirt is always pristine, tho. Even if he's wearing nothing, he'll almost always be wearing flowers in his hair, or randomly stuck in his fur somewhere. ~@ He *sometimes* wears a purple collar with a pink heart tag that says "X", but he oftentimes leaves it at home. YOU WONT CATCH HIM DEAD WEARING A FUCKING BELL~! X_X He has a piercing on his right eyebrow, wears pink, purple, black, or blue nail polish on his claws, and he has purple paw pads (lavender towards the outside and eggplant in the middle JUST LIKE THIS), nose leather is solid purple (eggplant). He has a couple of boring poke and stick tattoos which barely show through his fur, and many many cuts and scars, burns, brands and track marks...which is one of the advantages of having fur: it covers a plethora of battle scars.
He used to smoke a ton of cigarettes (Newports or rollies), but has discovered vaping and absolutely loveees his vape pen. Either he's using his vaporizer, smoking a cigarette or smoking a joint. He alternates his smoking preferences, or just smokes all of it at once. X3 He carries a knife hidden somewhere on his furson, for protection and sometimes to use it in bed, so don't sleep with him unless you're willing to get a bit bloodied *.* Sometimes, he carries a small .25 Colt 1908 pistol with a single shot in the chamber and one in the mag. Just in case. <.<;; He can get caught up in grooming himself, so if you see him incessantly licking licking licking, smack him and tell him to cut it out, otherwise he might throw up a hairball on ya :p He has incredibly sharp senses: exemplary hearing, perfect vision, and can (for example) smell a drop of blood a kilometer away. He stalks elegantly through the night, moving swiftly through forests, cityscapes, backyards, tall buildings - the quintessential alley cat. In the daylight, however, he is clumsy, tripping and falling all over himself to onlookers' astonishment.
Awkward and quirky, he has a silly, offbeat, sometimes dark, morbid, macabre sense of humor and a bleak outlook on life, but wishes everyone and everything the best, always (while maintaining a paradoxical disdain for humanity and misanthropic attitude...which is hard to reconcile the dichotomy between the two positions. @.@). He is a creature of dichotomy. He is outgoing and fun, bubbly and effervescent, bright and stark and very much enjoys being around people and furs and animals and lovesss to party and play. ;3 His moods alternate frequently between outgoing and playful to pensive and thoughtful, or just plain brooding. He surrenders a substantial sum of his RAM to matters of ontology and epistemology. He can spend countless hours or days sitting alone pondering the meaning of life and questions of "why?" and "how?", as well as various sociological/political puzzles as well as god concepts he knows he will never solve (to his chagrin), but nevertheless feels compelled to explore.
***************************
Naughty bits and sexual preferences: X is a feline. Cats have the smallest penises in the mammal world. X is no exception (not that he has the "smallest", of course. ;p). He has a "merge" of a human-like and animal-like penis: pink, barbed (but not RAZOR WIRE barbed) triangular shaped, but not too obtusely triangular shaped like feral cats, a bit more rounded and acute, approximately 2.75-3 inches in length, sheathed when "flaccid". And hes not afraid to use it. o.o (you know, human penises are notable in that they completely lack a baculum unlike most other mammals, and in fact all of the superfamily hominoidea, of which h. sapiens is a member, have them. where did it go? ....crazy shit, man.) He is a switch in bed, with no real preference for either the submissive or dominant role. Boys, girls, cats, dogs: it depends what mood he is in and who he is with. He can be a super-bitchy tailraiser on a leash, moaning and yeowwling like a bitch in heat and begging to be cum inside with tears in his eyes, or a complete dom, subduing and savagely fucking everything in his path with a hole. o.O His fetishes/preferences include (but arent limited to, and in no particular order): bloodletting, strangulation, petplay, rape fantasies, trannies, gender-bending, crossdressing, domination and submission (BDSM in general :P), denial, humiliation (both giving and receiving), hypoglycemic shock :X taking advantage of, or being taken advantage of sleeping or otherwise unconscious/incapacitated fuzzies, being forced into indentured sexual servitude (or having a toy of his own) ...anddd snuff. x.x (...Maybe even a little necrophilia? Getting fucked while he's dead?) I personally love a lot of these things IN CONCEPT, but would never actually act on or do IRL (I"M NOT COMPLETELY DEPRAVED!!), but i do enjoy putting my character in harms way and extreme peril sometimes, and i believe guns, knives, blood, violence etc. and sex were MADE to be enjoyed together. *^^*
i like small(ish) tits on women (and men, i guess o.o), a nice full b cup, or a small c....i kind of like a phrase i once heard "anything more than a (pawfull) is a waste". c-boys are nice too. i'm especially attracted to felines, malamutes, foxes, huskies, wolves...canines in general i guess - ponies are always nice (except they dont have beautiful, soft footpaws, and imagine being accidentally kicked by a fucking hoof? X_X) ...im not too into scalies, dragons, definitely not birds :p not really mustelids, except i love otters :3 i guess im pretty vanilla and picky about which "species" im sexually compatible with, but IM NOT A SPECIESIST!! ;_; just picky.
...and last but not least, i am in love love love with FOOTPAWS!! it's my biggest fetish. Worshiping, licking, toe-sucking, playing with, stroking, petting.....it all makes me a murry purry kitty :9 (which is weird, cuz im not at all into hy00mon feet) ....I know i know, I'm a complete purrrvert. Sue me. o.o ...This is not a complete list, as my sexual preferences change and/or are modified often as I explore different aspects of my sexual identity. I dont like to label myself. I guess i could be considered "bisexual": i have about a 50/50 preference, although I could only picture myself with a female in a more permanent relationship. I prefer guys sexually, but I like girls emotionally and tend to form emotional bonds, whereas I dont think I would EVER be interested in having a "boyfriend" (although I'm not completely opposed to the idea, if i found the right someone :X). HOWEVER, I really prefer transsexual women (pre-op, fully functional M2F): I even was (still am, technically... o.o) married to one for more than 7 years. best of both worlds. ;3
*****************
notes:
My fursona is sort of a reflection of me....ways I am, things I do, ways I wish I were...I express that through my character. I'm diagnosed bi-polar (albeit a very popular diagnosis), and I use my character to act out different aspects of my personality. It's kind of like therapy for me. My therapist tells me that I should try to integrate, rather than separate my disparate 'personalities', but I like it better this way. It makes more sense for me to put a face to all those longings and feelings and things that just dont fit into my human life. If that makes sense. Back when I created my character, I was going through some.....changes. I was uncomfortable with a lot of aspects of my body and my sexuality and i figured this would be a good way to get over it....for example, I kinda wished my dick a bit smaller, which I'm totally not bragging! x3 just one of the reasons i chose a cat when i got into yiffy roleplaying 10 or 15 years ago, plus it made me a little more submissive, which isnt really how I was IRL at the time, hence why I wanted to act that aspect of my sexuality out, and i guess it kind of stuck. I think everything is softer, prettier, hotter, and definitely more interesting and definitely sexier with a tail. <3 I used to run around wearing a purple collar all the time, which I lost...but damn, I loved that collar, for some reason. Also, it was good for sex when I was feeling particularly bitchy, because I adoree being on a leash. >;3
reference pics: - IN THESE PICS i am depicted as having light blue fur, but that is not so. i look like any russian blue cat on the planet. if you need a reference, your best bet is to reference a russian blue from google, and look at my hy00mon pic and mentally combine the two.
my poor x, i really need a ref sheet x.x
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16746238/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16084150/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16060875/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16114622/ - (im the one on the left ;p)
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16554210/ - x looks like me, just is not me, cuz hes a cat. x3 ...heres a picture of me pretending to be a hy00mon (for reference). you cant see it in the picture, but i have reallyyy long hair that i put in a ponytail kinda doubled up. my character, same thing. o.o ....and yes, i wear flowers allll the time: theyre part of my wardrobe. ;p
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16459295/ - .....im reallyyy not much of an artist. fortunately, ive got someone really good willing to help me out with it <3 ....obviously, when its finished it probably wont really look anything like this anymore....but i needed to put pen to paper how i felt here, how im feeling lately.....thats more what my hair looks like.....and i smoke a lottt. >.>
I AM SORRY, THIS IS NO SUBSTITUTE FOR A REF SHEET X_X
DESCRIPTION (divided into III parts: physical attributes, behaviors and attitude): X is a Russian blue tomcat. His fur is short and dense and looks slate/grey in the dark but has a silvery-blue iridescent shine when the light hits his silver-tipped fur. He's lithe and toned, kinda curvy for a male, long legs, stands exactly 2 meters tall digitigrade with a strong tail approximately 1.2 meters long that curls up at the tip slightly with faint stripes and is fluffy (but not too fluffy, and he is envious of other furs super-fluffy tails and totallyy wishes he had one, as they look -incredible- to curl up with and use as a pillow). He has piercing emerald green eyes and relatively straight long blue hair, darker than his fur, which he keeps in a ponytail: long strands often mask his eyes, but he'd often rather not see anyway or let anybody peer into his soul. He often adopts weird, kinda knees together effeminate poses without realizing it. If he is clothed, which is often not the case, he's usually wearing his favorite worn out baggy nine inch nails hoodie, and a short pink skirt, panties underneath, if you get that lucky ;3 ...or ripped up, fucked up baggy jeans covered in cigarette holes. His skirt is always pristine, tho. Even if he's wearing nothing, he'll almost always be wearing flowers in his hair, or randomly stuck in his fur somewhere. ~@ He *sometimes* wears a purple collar with a pink heart tag that says "X", but he oftentimes leaves it at home. YOU WONT CATCH HIM DEAD WEARING A FUCKING BELL~! X_X He has a piercing on his right eyebrow, wears pink, purple, black, or blue nail polish on his claws, and he has purple paw pads (lavender towards the outside and eggplant in the middle JUST LIKE THIS), nose leather is solid purple (eggplant). He has a couple of boring poke and stick tattoos which barely show through his fur, and many many cuts and scars, burns, brands and track marks...which is one of the advantages of having fur: it covers a plethora of battle scars.
He used to smoke a ton of cigarettes (Newports or rollies), but has discovered vaping and absolutely loveees his vape pen. Either he's using his vaporizer, smoking a cigarette or smoking a joint. He alternates his smoking preferences, or just smokes all of it at once. X3 He carries a knife hidden somewhere on his furson, for protection and sometimes to use it in bed, so don't sleep with him unless you're willing to get a bit bloodied *.* Sometimes, he carries a small .25 Colt 1908 pistol with a single shot in the chamber and one in the mag. Just in case. <.<;; He can get caught up in grooming himself, so if you see him incessantly licking licking licking, smack him and tell him to cut it out, otherwise he might throw up a hairball on ya :p He has incredibly sharp senses: exemplary hearing, perfect vision, and can (for example) smell a drop of blood a kilometer away. He stalks elegantly through the night, moving swiftly through forests, cityscapes, backyards, tall buildings - the quintessential alley cat. In the daylight, however, he is clumsy, tripping and falling all over himself to onlookers' astonishment.
Awkward and quirky, he has a silly, offbeat, sometimes dark, morbid, macabre sense of humor and a bleak outlook on life, but wishes everyone and everything the best, always (while maintaining a paradoxical disdain for humanity and misanthropic attitude...which is hard to reconcile the dichotomy between the two positions. @.@). He is a creature of dichotomy. He is outgoing and fun, bubbly and effervescent, bright and stark and very much enjoys being around people and furs and animals and lovesss to party and play. ;3 His moods alternate frequently between outgoing and playful to pensive and thoughtful, or just plain brooding. He surrenders a substantial sum of his RAM to matters of ontology and epistemology. He can spend countless hours or days sitting alone pondering the meaning of life and questions of "why?" and "how?", as well as various sociological/political puzzles as well as god concepts he knows he will never solve (to his chagrin), but nevertheless feels compelled to explore.
***************************
Naughty bits and sexual preferences: X is a feline. Cats have the smallest penises in the mammal world. X is no exception (not that he has the "smallest", of course. ;p). He has a "merge" of a human-like and animal-like penis: pink, barbed (but not RAZOR WIRE barbed) triangular shaped, but not too obtusely triangular shaped like feral cats, a bit more rounded and acute, approximately 2.75-3 inches in length, sheathed when "flaccid". And hes not afraid to use it. o.o (you know, human penises are notable in that they completely lack a baculum unlike most other mammals, and in fact all of the superfamily hominoidea, of which h. sapiens is a member, have them. where did it go? ....crazy shit, man.) He is a switch in bed, with no real preference for either the submissive or dominant role. Boys, girls, cats, dogs: it depends what mood he is in and who he is with. He can be a super-bitchy tailraiser on a leash, moaning and yeowwling like a bitch in heat and begging to be cum inside with tears in his eyes, or a complete dom, subduing and savagely fucking everything in his path with a hole. o.O His fetishes/preferences include (but arent limited to, and in no particular order): bloodletting, strangulation, petplay, rape fantasies, trannies, gender-bending, crossdressing, domination and submission (BDSM in general :P), denial, humiliation (both giving and receiving), hypoglycemic shock :X taking advantage of, or being taken advantage of sleeping or otherwise unconscious/incapacitated fuzzies, being forced into indentured sexual servitude (or having a toy of his own) ...anddd snuff. x.x (...Maybe even a little necrophilia? Getting fucked while he's dead?) I personally love a lot of these things IN CONCEPT, but would never actually act on or do IRL (I"M NOT COMPLETELY DEPRAVED!!), but i do enjoy putting my character in harms way and extreme peril sometimes, and i believe guns, knives, blood, violence etc. and sex were MADE to be enjoyed together. *^^*
i like small(ish) tits on women (and men, i guess o.o), a nice full b cup, or a small c....i kind of like a phrase i once heard "anything more than a (pawfull) is a waste". c-boys are nice too. i'm especially attracted to felines, malamutes, foxes, huskies, wolves...canines in general i guess - ponies are always nice (except they dont have beautiful, soft footpaws, and imagine being accidentally kicked by a fucking hoof? X_X) ...im not too into scalies, dragons, definitely not birds :p not really mustelids, except i love otters :3 i guess im pretty vanilla and picky about which "species" im sexually compatible with, but IM NOT A SPECIESIST!! ;_; just picky.
...and last but not least, i am in love love love with FOOTPAWS!! it's my biggest fetish. Worshiping, licking, toe-sucking, playing with, stroking, petting.....it all makes me a murry purry kitty :9 (which is weird, cuz im not at all into hy00mon feet) ....I know i know, I'm a complete purrrvert. Sue me. o.o ...This is not a complete list, as my sexual preferences change and/or are modified often as I explore different aspects of my sexual identity. I dont like to label myself. I guess i could be considered "bisexual": i have about a 50/50 preference, although I could only picture myself with a female in a more permanent relationship. I prefer guys sexually, but I like girls emotionally and tend to form emotional bonds, whereas I dont think I would EVER be interested in having a "boyfriend" (although I'm not completely opposed to the idea, if i found the right someone :X). HOWEVER, I really prefer transsexual women (pre-op, fully functional M2F): I even was (still am, technically... o.o) married to one for more than 7 years. best of both worlds. ;3
*****************
notes:
My fursona is sort of a reflection of me....ways I am, things I do, ways I wish I were...I express that through my character. I'm diagnosed bi-polar (albeit a very popular diagnosis), and I use my character to act out different aspects of my personality. It's kind of like therapy for me. My therapist tells me that I should try to integrate, rather than separate my disparate 'personalities', but I like it better this way. It makes more sense for me to put a face to all those longings and feelings and things that just dont fit into my human life. If that makes sense. Back when I created my character, I was going through some.....changes. I was uncomfortable with a lot of aspects of my body and my sexuality and i figured this would be a good way to get over it....for example, I kinda wished my dick a bit smaller, which I'm totally not bragging! x3 just one of the reasons i chose a cat when i got into yiffy roleplaying 10 or 15 years ago, plus it made me a little more submissive, which isnt really how I was IRL at the time, hence why I wanted to act that aspect of my sexuality out, and i guess it kind of stuck. I think everything is softer, prettier, hotter, and definitely more interesting and definitely sexier with a tail. <3 I used to run around wearing a purple collar all the time, which I lost...but damn, I loved that collar, for some reason. Also, it was good for sex when I was feeling particularly bitchy, because I adoree being on a leash. >;3
reference pics: - IN THESE PICS i am depicted as having light blue fur, but that is not so. i look like any russian blue cat on the planet. if you need a reference, your best bet is to reference a russian blue from google, and look at my hy00mon pic and mentally combine the two.
my poor x, i really need a ref sheet x.x
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16746238/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16084150/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16060875/
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16114622/ - (im the one on the left ;p)
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16554210/ - x looks like me, just is not me, cuz hes a cat. x3 ...heres a picture of me pretending to be a hy00mon (for reference). you cant see it in the picture, but i have reallyyy long hair that i put in a ponytail kinda doubled up. my character, same thing. o.o ....and yes, i wear flowers allll the time: theyre part of my wardrobe. ;p
http://www.furaffinity.net/view/16459295/ - .....im reallyyy not much of an artist. fortunately, ive got someone really good willing to help me out with it <3 ....obviously, when its finished it probably wont really look anything like this anymore....but i needed to put pen to paper how i felt here, how im feeling lately.....thats more what my hair looks like.....and i smoke a lottt. >.>
the other day, i played make believe with an 8 year old girl
Posted 10 years agothe other day, i played 'make believe' with an 8 year old girl....and i kicked her ass x3
...i went to go upstairs to smoke pot with my friend, and her daughter waylaid me on the way and asked me if i wanted to play "little petshop" or something....and i was like "uhh give me a few minutes..."
soo i smoked pot with my friends, and then went downstairs to play pretend with her. i was nervous and afraid, and i wasnt really sure why....i guess because im a grown-up, and we dont play "make believe". and i was stoned. soo she spread out a ton of toys, divided them in half, gave me half of them to sort through, and asked me what i wanted to be. i looked through the pile, and found a like psychedelic tie dyed technocolor kitty cat, and i was like "yo, ill totallyyy be this guy." and she was like "....are you sureee?" i was like "yup, this is my kitty cat." and then, she took the rest of my toys away and put them in a box, and set her half of her toys up like a chess board against my ONE stupid goddamn pussycat.
soo this little girl had effectively set up all of her toys against my ONE damn technicolor cat, and i was like O_O "...what have i gotten myself into??" i didnt realize she was so adept at military strategy, but apparently i had challenged kolrami to a game of strategema, so to speak. soo i went to talk to her mommy. i was like "hey sweety?? your daughter just set up all her toys against me inna battle of IMAGINATIONS and i dont know what to dooo!!" ...she came out from the other room, and looked in the middle of the floor, which had my ONE damn cat, vs. an ENTIRE army she had set up against me, and she almost tripped on it. she was like O_O "holyyy shit, what are you going to do??" she cant play pretend either, and i told her that id been fucking this little girl around for like half an hour cuz i was afraid of this stupid imagination battle she had challenged me to, and then i realized....
:O WTF am i afraid of, im a goddamn furry!! i can kick this little girls ass at make-believe. o.O ...soo i told her flat out "I'm a furry, ask your mom if i can play make believe like a champion!!" and my friend, whos not a furry but gets what im about, was like "yup, hes a grown-up who pretends hes a kitty cat! ...all day." ....and then i proceeded to kick her ass at fucking make believe. x3
she put 3 ponies at once against my cat, i was like PSHEWW PSHEWW POW BANG, I KEEL YOUU!!! ;3
she had a crazy y imagination, a hell of a tactician. there were a lot of cool things going on in her little mind. im dying to play make-believe with her again, before she gets too old and isnt interested anymore.
edit: i just re-read this, and "dicking around a little girl" doesnt sound too great, nor "kicking little girls asses." X3 ....but you get the idea im sure. o.o
...i went to go upstairs to smoke pot with my friend, and her daughter waylaid me on the way and asked me if i wanted to play "little petshop" or something....and i was like "uhh give me a few minutes..."
soo i smoked pot with my friends, and then went downstairs to play pretend with her. i was nervous and afraid, and i wasnt really sure why....i guess because im a grown-up, and we dont play "make believe". and i was stoned. soo she spread out a ton of toys, divided them in half, gave me half of them to sort through, and asked me what i wanted to be. i looked through the pile, and found a like psychedelic tie dyed technocolor kitty cat, and i was like "yo, ill totallyyy be this guy." and she was like "....are you sureee?" i was like "yup, this is my kitty cat." and then, she took the rest of my toys away and put them in a box, and set her half of her toys up like a chess board against my ONE stupid goddamn pussycat.
soo this little girl had effectively set up all of her toys against my ONE damn technicolor cat, and i was like O_O "...what have i gotten myself into??" i didnt realize she was so adept at military strategy, but apparently i had challenged kolrami to a game of strategema, so to speak. soo i went to talk to her mommy. i was like "hey sweety?? your daughter just set up all her toys against me inna battle of IMAGINATIONS and i dont know what to dooo!!" ...she came out from the other room, and looked in the middle of the floor, which had my ONE damn cat, vs. an ENTIRE army she had set up against me, and she almost tripped on it. she was like O_O "holyyy shit, what are you going to do??" she cant play pretend either, and i told her that id been fucking this little girl around for like half an hour cuz i was afraid of this stupid imagination battle she had challenged me to, and then i realized....
:O WTF am i afraid of, im a goddamn furry!! i can kick this little girls ass at make-believe. o.O ...soo i told her flat out "I'm a furry, ask your mom if i can play make believe like a champion!!" and my friend, whos not a furry but gets what im about, was like "yup, hes a grown-up who pretends hes a kitty cat! ...all day." ....and then i proceeded to kick her ass at fucking make believe. x3
she put 3 ponies at once against my cat, i was like PSHEWW PSHEWW POW BANG, I KEEL YOUU!!! ;3
she had a crazy y imagination, a hell of a tactician. there were a lot of cool things going on in her little mind. im dying to play make-believe with her again, before she gets too old and isnt interested anymore.
edit: i just re-read this, and "dicking around a little girl" doesnt sound too great, nor "kicking little girls asses." X3 ....but you get the idea im sure. o.o
Get FA+
Merch Store