~Keroascrazy

I got a fav on one of them an dI wasn't expecting that much. I feel kinda silly for uploading it now. hah. hahaha. ._.
I havent wrote anymore on it. I can't really figure out the right frickin' format so FA doesn't murder the text symbols. like speech hyphes. "aaaaA"

Its both joyful and painful. On one hand, when I stop making the chainwork, my brain goes "do more chainwork" but when Im doing the chainwork my brain goes "this is dumb, time for a break."
so far I've made several multitudes of little applique hearts, about 6 stuffed eggs and 1 unfinished test bi pride moss stitched flag...bracelet...thingie.

Just thought I'd share with y'all!

Stay safe out there!

I like the current one. but its more character centric to Sarna than to me.
I like cats. and Im fond of eggs.
a cat sleeping around some eggs? glittery plastic easter eggs? lol maybe

I made a plague doctor half mask! Trying to get photos from work of the whole thing

I got a HANKERIN for MOBILE GAMING.
But works been hurting my bank account. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Executives, pls function.

how can I check my script usage by part worn? I have a regular BLK script monitor that tells me nhow much overall script Im using but I would like to know whats using the most memory where on my avatars to see if I can minimize my overall impact?

I'll see a trend. the Hot New Thing. I want it too! I ask for it.
now if its art, or a craft of something, these things take time, naturally.
During the time it takes while I wait for The Thing to be made, I get curious, I look at more examples, I wonder if I could do The Thing myself.
so I Do The Thing.
I receive the thing I asked for, and I have the one I made. or I just have the one I made and say "nevermind" on the one I asked for.

I see how people could get upset with this. why ask for it if I don't want it?

But its "I wonder if I can, Im going to try, *frusterated noises of project creation* I made it! all by myself! :D"
then "Oh, don't waste your resources, I like the one I made!"

Still kind of a shit thing to do to people, but I know I've done this at LEAST twice before.
So, to anyone I HAVE done this too, Apologies i my shitty actions offended you. it didn't come from a place of malicious intent. just, wanted to see if I could.

just 'cause I know there's a market there. but man. how tf do you even get started with that?
Reddit? pantydeal? (yeah thats a website. . . that I found . . .)
ugh.

And who even would buy them? whats even a going price for a pair? why do I keep making journals HERE about the weird shit in my brain?

ffffffffffffffff

I've updated my User profile to have old links to my TOS, My commission form, and my telegram stickers commission forms, in bright colors.
You can find my Trello on the line "Commissions: (status here)"
I really want to be active with my drawing again, but I find it difficult. even with my tablet sitting right next to me, and me STARING At it. It's like. . ."I should clean" while looking at a sink full of dishes, because you KNOW you got no more clean plates or silverware and just going "I should clean that" while walking away to lay down or watch a show because you just. . .cant.

Not that I haven't had ample time now. At first I stopped .... because Life happened. Work was hard and a major focus and I did not have the energy to do anything else except use video games to escape for a few hours before going to bed. I haven't been fully employed in a year now, and all my time went into my escapist habit, and even after a point THAT felt taxing on me mentally and emotionally. I haven't really logged in to FF14 since January. I tried Warcraft, and while its a refreshing change of pace, Eorzea will always be home.

I SHOULD have been creative and drawn more, and worked on projects that are due and overdue, but its like . . the enjoyment is there but only for a little bit before I get frustrated with what I'm working with, or on. Completing a piece feels great! Until I'm not happy with it.
Starting a piece is awesome! Until 'm not happy with it. fiddle, jiggle, adjust, they look fine. but I just. . .
I look and I see FA, I see people I used to contact frequently, make banter with, admire. Y'all have grown so much and I'm so happy for you. Especially if you managed to hustle enough to make your passion into something you can use to support your home. I guess I feel left behind? Guilty? Jealous?
Slaved my life away for corporate top dogs to scrape by for so long, sacrificing a piece of myself at a time as compromise to pay bills.

Drawing used to make me so happy. What happened?

(I swear to Odin AND Loki if I get another request from creepy foot guy in my notes suggesting to draw that 'hot slave girl' in response to this... Dude, just don't. You know who you are.)

I don't know.

WAnted to see if I had it in me to attempt a "redraw" from older times inbetween my current projects and after running thorugh my gallery. . . I don't see anything that stands out to me as anything I enjoyed enough or thought was impressive enough through the years to attempt to redraw. Save the one I ATTEMPTED like 5 years ago and never finished and even that... damn man.

who even am I? lol

Anyone got advice on how to economically or ergonomically set up a desktop area so you DONT have to constantly re arrange your keyboard and junk when you want to draw on your tablet? @_@

Rhona's come to town, I'm out of my job right now for my health and the health of those around me.
I've had more time to myself, and I've found myself drawing a tad more frequently, it's nice.
I'm trying to upload stuff I've worked on in the last year or so, one piece a day for now. still isn't MUCH, by the by. But some progress.

It sits about half an inch longer than my fingertips.
I'm so happy its finally grown out, yet Im apprehensive that it may be causing my husbands allergy attacks, as well.
Sounds dumb, I hear some people say, however, consider that your hair has the capability of holding onto things like dust and dander, the more oils in your hair, the more crap retained, and my hairs pretty oily naturally.
and Arky's allergic to cats, too. so. my hair is an allergen net.
Oh well.
He likes it long too. he just can't hug me very long. lol

Asking for a friend.

seems to be my new average.
no wonder they get no comments!
But I get a few faves, so thats something I think.
I didn't even realize I migrated full time to tumblr until yesterday but holy shit that migration came at a massive drop in productivity.
probably also has something to do with life just kicking my ass and my habits being MMO's now so .. I just... don't draw as often as I used to.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Do y'all Miss me? I wonder?
I haven't been active, but I DO wonder if y'all would like to see more artwork.
Ive lost a lot of time into Tumblr as a means of escapism. (Years, even)
And yeah I play Final Fantasy too and thats a big time sink, but when Im not there? That empty blue sea owns me.
IDK.
I wonder if Id be more creatively inclined if I cut Tumblr out.

Guess... I'll.. uhh...
idk.
Work on this samurai picture some more? play Ori? /shrug.

... A resurgance of FA activity? Perhaps its time I updated a few things.
Im going to need a new character ref, a better updated avatar....
Probably to actually share some WIP's... oh my.

I wonder if anyone will even notice Iw as gone?

yes you read that right.

Im talking about spiritual reincarnation. Some folk believe wholly and truly that they are an eternal spirit of some sort.
I know one man who thinks he is an ageless demon.
I know another who claims to be a heavenly spirit, a Unicorn to be more specific.

Now, I entertain these ideas, I believe a soul can last longer than its corporeal vessel.
But how do you KNOW?
How in your short span of time in this human body and limited mind do you KNOW that your soul is older?
To be honest theres been a few I talk to where they go on to the point where I just can't believe them. like, I feel like Im just entertaining a fantasy.
So for those of you who know with all that you are, what you are... my question is, how did you come to that knowledge?

has it really been... what three years?
I feel like Ive regressed so much.
HOW DO YOU ART? PEN TABLET WHAT IS ALL THIS!?

I wrote all of that out here, because I thought nobody would care, just a place for me to vent that wasn't tumblr, or facebook, or a rehash of the same conversation for the umpteenth time with my husband.
I thought it would be a thing to browse over. But some of you spoke to me, even small brief words. And it helped a lot. I allowed myself to cry for the first time in a long time, and I feel that helped to release some of the built up pressure building up within me.

thank you. It warms my heart to know that I am not forgotten.

I feel as though I am able to shake off some old shackles holding me down. I havent been able to create or draw since I had needed to put down my cat years ago. But browsing thorugh here, looking at what you guys make. how some of you have grown over the years, I feel a shimmer inside me. I want to make things again.
I feel like I want to draw.
And that is monumental.
You guys mean a lot to me. And again, Thank you.

/feeltrip over

When you are supposed to be infallible.
when you cannot speak your worries.
When everything feels out of your control.
Who do you turn to?
When then, do you choose to speak?
How do you choose your words?
How do you make sense of the endless void within you to grasp at the pieces of you?
When do you find yourself?
When do you learn to love yourself?
How do others look up to you, when you can't even believe in yourself?

I look around and I know.
I know that I have come so so far in my life. I am such a stronger person these days than I used to be.
People look up to me.
People look up to me, and that scares me.
People want me to lead them, and that scares me.
I try to step away, but then I see the one who needs me. The ones who need me.
I can't just let it go, I cant turn away, I can't give it up. Because then I would be letting down so many people.
Or am I scared?
I tried to tell him I wanted to step down. He told me that was my choice, and I saw how crushed he was. I felt so... bad. He has enough to deal with without one of his best managers calling it quits. He needs me right now. I know Im not the best. I have excuses for things I don't do. but I have my success, too.
How do you learn to love yourself when all you see is failure everywhere?
Where do people get this confidence they need to not speak out of anger?
I am not this wonderful person with unlimited patience and a skill in watching my words. I want to be like him, I want to be of use to him...But at the same time I just don't want this anymore.
But I don't want to quit, because I know im valuable even if im not a manger.
Then I stress my husband out with this.
Theres other job opportunities. better ones. but they scare the shit out of me.
what if I fail? what if they fire me, and Ive burned my bridge here? what if I loose this security to risk something I'll be cut out of later for downsizing?
I don't want to be with this franchise my entire life.
but I don't know what I WANT.
I want a job where I don't have to deal with people constantly. I don't want to be on the phone as customer support. I don't want to be berated anymore because of a choice the parent company made.
I don't want to be cussed out for forgetting a sandwich.
I don't want to be cussed out because people are stupid and can't understand a simple concept.
I don't know what I want. But I want something else.
the worst part is, I KNOW.
I know such a job doesn't exist. Unless you are the CEO of some corperate organization. even then, you have to deal with people.
I don't want all this stress anymore.
But I have bills to pay, food to buy...I need to work.
I need this.
But I feel like it's killing me

..fuck.
I can neverreally make anything for valentines... Mmmm...:\