Blog posts since last year
Posted 5 months ago...not all that many, I know, but here they are:
https://jsilverfox.blog/post/2023/
https://jsilverfox.blog/post/pride2024/
https://jsilverfox.blog/post/2023/
https://jsilverfox.blog/post/pride2024/
New blog post
Posted a year agoNew Blog Post
Posted a year agoNew blog post
Posted 2 years agoIt took a lot of work, but I've finished my first formal blog post:
https://jsilverfox.blog/post/freebsd/
It's rather technical but I hope it's also informative (and maybe somewhat entertaining) to read ^^
I have an idea for the next post I'd like to write, but I think I need a break after all the editing and researching and keeping perfectionism at bay, etc..>.<
https://jsilverfox.blog/post/freebsd/
It's rather technical but I hope it's also informative (and maybe somewhat entertaining) to read ^^
I have an idea for the next post I'd like to write, but I think I need a break after all the editing and researching and keeping perfectionism at bay, etc..>.<
Thoughts on MFF 2021
Posted 3 years agoThursday, December 2:
Before I drove to Rosemont (I live close enough that I could commute to MFF), I was trying to make sure I had everything and thus I didn't leave until roughly around an hour after I had originally intended. I also got emotional before I headed out, as I had been worriedly anticipating this convention ever since I had decided (after much internal debate) to go. I arrived, found ample parking in the garage, got my ears, tail, and mask on..then had to figure out where to go. I have a fairly good sense of direction and having been to Rosemont/the convention center before, I had a general idea on which direction I should go but was uncertain about how exactly to get there.
So I started walking in that direction and found a set of elevators and a staircase. I took the stairs and spotted some furs. "They're likely on their way to registration; I'll follow them," I said to myself. Thus started the first of many treks through the infamous "hellway" over the weekend. I followed them through the winding corridors, smiling under my mask at the furs and fursuits I spotted. However, they lead me to the Hyatt instead, a place I had seen in many photos from previous Furfests. Of course, there were furs all over the various levels and I'm still not sure how to accurately describe how I felt upon taking in this sight. The next thing I thought, though, was "I missed the turnoff to the convention center, didn't I.."
I turned around, resolving to pay more attention to the signs, and did eventually find the line for vaccination verification..though I kept walking around it, unsure as to where the end of it was. It didn't take long to figure out that the line went out of the hall itself and into a lobby. That wasn't all that clear for a newcomer like me, but I was glad to see that there was a volunteer with a sign that denoted the end of the line. I figured it would be a while but I was expecting this and had brought along water bottles and snacks. I didn't know what this line was for at first, but a volunteer came by and clarified it for everyone; I also heard people chatting about how quick registration was after you got out of this line.
While waiting in said line (which was moving fairly quickly, thankfully) I tried to observe as much as I could. I noticed people giving each other very big hugs..long, warm embraces, sometimes involving one of the participants jumping into the other's arms as if they hadn't seen each other in a long time. "Which," I thought, "is very likely the case." About an hour or so later, I got verified and then proceeded into the registration hall, which logically was in a separate space. That part only took about 15 minutes and then I was done, with a t-shirt from the strategically placed con store in hand..and wondering what to do next.
I decided to head to the Hyatt with no other particular plans in mind. I found a spot (that I would make frequent use of throughout the weekend) opposite the elevators on the lobby level and behind the Midway room. From there, I sat and observed, smiling at all the fursuiters and other furs I saw while listening to nearby chatter. I felt strangely calm and relaxed, which surprised me. I wasn't sure if I was an outside observer or actively part of what I was observing; like I was Schrödinger's fox. I did still feel like a bit of an impostor, though, that I was deceiving myself about all of this. While pondering this, a fursuiter (I didn't catch their name) came up to me and politely asked if I wanted a hug. I was taken aback at first as I didn't expect anyone to want to talk with me even for a brief period. After a brief consideration, I accepted and it was exactly what I needed.
Thank you, anonymous fursuiter, for helping me feel accepted at just the right time.
Not long after that, I decided to head home and get rested for the first full day. I had mixed feelings on the drive home..happy that I didn't have an anxiety spike or anything like that, yet also sadness at having intentionally excluded myself from this experience..which is still weighing on me.
Friday, December 3:
I probably slept in a bit (no surprise there; I've never been a morning fox) but managed to get back to the con around noon. The first panel I wanted to go to was at 1, so I returned to the lobby, a big smile on my face underneath my masks just being around so many furries. (This was a common occurrence throughout the weekend). At this point, I was still uncertain as to whether I truly belonged; I pictured an anthro version of Steve Buscemi saying "How do you do, fellow furries?" The 1:00 panel, "How to Avoid Anxiety at a Con", was quite helpful, though my anxiety level was staying quite low, overall. I increasingly felt like even someone like me could belong here, based on the wide variety of people that I saw.
I headed for the dealer's den next and was in there for a while, happily overwhelmed (for once) with all of the merchandise and people there. I got some things that I had had my eye on and then headed to the "Sober/Teetotal Furs" meetup. I can't drink alcohol for medical reasons, and I've never been a heavy drinker at all, so I figured I'd show up and see how it went. It went quite well, actually, and I was able to participate in the conversation without feeling overwhelmed by social anxiety (which usually happens when trying to speak to an individual/group for the first time).
As I remember, that was my last panel of the day; I'm glad the schedule is still up as of this writing to help my memory. I had had hopes of perhaps joining a group outing for dinner, but the odds were significantly against that, all things considered. Thus, I headed back towards the parking garage to go to Adobe Gila's, which is on the other side of it from the hotel/convention center. The way to get there was not very clearly marked, though, and I had to double back after what I thought was the logical way there..wasn't.
I still had my ears and tail on and I didn't even think about leaving them at my car; this is noteworthy as I am usually very self-conscious of what I'm wearing, where I'm going, and how it will "appear" and what others will think of me. The fact that I went to the restaurant and was able to eat, pay, and leave without any significant anxiety spikes is very significant and a major step forward for me. After finishing my meal, I went back to the hotel and went to my last panel of the day, (though I missed the first part) "Convention History", which was quite fascinating. I then returned to the aforementioned spot to rest and reflect. I didn't have any further conversations or interactions that I recall and I went home feeling quite content and ready for whatever the next day would bring.
Saturday, December 4:
I arrived back around noon, having gotten a decent amount of sleep. I returned to the dealer's den and picked up some more merchandise before heading back to the spot to have a bit of lunch and rest some more. During this time, I missed a panel that I would have been quite interested in but the name of it was misleading and I didn't pay it a second thought. Lesson learned. Instead, my first panel of the day was "Cons as a Sacred Space", which I enjoyed; it also made me think about how differently (and so much better!) I had felt than usual while within the convention space and adjacent to it.
After that, I headed over to the convention center for "Charity Whose Lion is it Anyway?" which I had a great time at; I was feeling more and more comfortable as the convention went on. At some point during this day, I perused the art show and put some bids in. I didn't end up winning any of them, but there were some remarkable works of art in various mediums that I was glad to see; I completely understand why no pictures or videos are permitted, yet it's hard for me to keep a clear mental image without such aides, unfortunately.
If I remember correctly, I used the quiet room, walked around the video gaming area, and then got the buffet for dinner. There was one more panel I wanted to attend at 8, concerning consensual non-monogamy, which I've heard quite a bit about while listening to the "Two Bi Guys" podcast. The panel was informative and gave me quite a lot to think about regarding this subject.
After that, I headed back to my car, feeling a wave of emotion building within me. The feelings I had had previously of feeling inauthentic, afraid of rejection, afraid that I wouldn't "get it", that I'm not a "real fur", etc. were fading away. When I had started driving, the soundtrack to "The Greatest Showman" came on (thanks to the "feature" of modern cars to start playing music whether you want it or not), and I went with it. As I drove, the wave kept building and building..and as the last song on the soundtrack, "From Now On", reached its climax, I started weeping so profusely I almost had to pull over.
After I returned home, I had a long, fruitful discussion with my wife about everything that had happened on that day. I felt like I had attained a certain amount of catharsis of my fears and doubts and could enjoy the last day without them weighing me down.
Sunday, December 5:
The final day of MFF was a cold and rainy one. I drove back to the garage, got my ears and tail on, and headed in, determined to make the most of it. I did another tour of the dealer's den, got a few more things, and also did one last check of the art show. If I remember correctly, I then roamed around the Hyatt and discovered where the main stage is (well, I didn't go to any panels there, so..yeah *blush*) After all this wandering, I finally felt like I had a much better understanding of the layout of the con in general and won't feel nearly as disoriented in the future.
At 3, I headed to the "Furry Psychology" panel, which was also enjoyable; I think I got some insight into what might predispose someone to have an interest in anthro media (though I still wonder if my bisexuality/queerness lead me to furry or was it the other way around..). I know I should try to enjoy furry more than analyze it..but that's my personality (my wife has a similar disposition, especially when it comes to why we're feeling what we're feeling at a given moment.)
I didn't know what to expect at all at the last panel I went to, "The Hope Panel: What's Next?" but I'm very, very glad that I went as it was exactly what I needed to hear at that time. I had never met or heard of Hope Collie before going but I was very impressed by the panel and its positive, uplifting content.
A memorable moment for me was when Hope asked the audience when was the last time they had attended Midwest Furfest. Several said 2019, some 2018, and it went backward from there. I could have stayed silent or exaggerated my response but I decided to be honest. After everyone else had gone and Hope asked if anyone else had last attended an earlier date, I put my hand up and calmly said "2000". And this is true; I was at the first MFF when it was roughly around 300 people gathered at a hotel in Arlington Heights sharing the space with a few other events, as I remember.
I haven't talked at all about my past association with furry as a singular incident at another fur convention that shall go unnamed was directly responsible for my departure and decades-long sojourn away from the fandom. Even now, all this time later, I'm still trying to overcome it. This incident is not something I want to publicly discuss at this time; I wish things had gone differently and that I could have remained in furry instead. My life likely would have been significantly different though it's impossible to say whether it would be any better or worse than it currently is. All I can do is make the most of the time I have now and try not to bitterly linger on all that could have been..as difficult as that is.
That aside, Hope's calmness and positivity made quite an impression on me; I didn't want the panel to end, due to my enjoyment of it and knowing that the con would be effectively over for me at its conclusion. When it did conclude and I reluctantly headed out, I think I wandered around a little more, trying to take in everything I could before it was time to go home and return to..well, whatever passes for normalcy these days.
All too soon, I was reluctantly taking one last trip back to the parking garage, reflecting on the day and the convention in general. I got to my car, took off the ears and tail, and sat for a while, trying to process everything that I was feeling..and it ran the gamut. Happiness at having conquered my fear, sadness that it was over, worry that I'd done something wrong somehow, anxiety at my perceived social ineptness, satisfaction at (re) embracing a significant part of myself, wistfulness at having missed out for so long..overall, it was such a wonderful experience and I'm so glad I was able to not let what happened in the past hold me back, though there's still more to work on in regards to that.
Afterword:
I could write a lengthy piece about why I stopped being a fur so long ago (and might, at some point), but for now, I'll go over it briefly. After thinking about it recently, the main thing that I remember is that I didn't feel safe any longer (mostly due to the aforementioned incident) about being queer. Around that time, I had uprooted my life in general, moving to the next state over for a job. After arriving, I vaguely recall going to a local furmeet and having a good time. It's hard to remember my exact state of mind but I don't think I was strongly considering leaving furry at that point.
Then 9/11 happened.
After that, I remember feeling like I couldn't "play around" any longer, that life had gotten "serious" and being a fur/queer didn't fit into how the world had become. Thus, I tried to force myself to be as "normal" as possible, disappeared from furry, and told myself I had been straight all along and the last few years had just been a "phase" or "youthful rebellion". I went completely into the closet while hating my queerness yet still accepting and celebrating it in others. That cognitive dissonance caused me no end of torment and grief for many years. I kept forcing myself to be someone I wasn't without even being aware of it while constantly making excuses as to why I was doing this to myself.
Now that I've realized all this and am finding myself all over again, I hope I can stop punishing myself for it. Move forward, enjoy being myself, and not hide any longer..it's all I can do.
Before I drove to Rosemont (I live close enough that I could commute to MFF), I was trying to make sure I had everything and thus I didn't leave until roughly around an hour after I had originally intended. I also got emotional before I headed out, as I had been worriedly anticipating this convention ever since I had decided (after much internal debate) to go. I arrived, found ample parking in the garage, got my ears, tail, and mask on..then had to figure out where to go. I have a fairly good sense of direction and having been to Rosemont/the convention center before, I had a general idea on which direction I should go but was uncertain about how exactly to get there.
So I started walking in that direction and found a set of elevators and a staircase. I took the stairs and spotted some furs. "They're likely on their way to registration; I'll follow them," I said to myself. Thus started the first of many treks through the infamous "hellway" over the weekend. I followed them through the winding corridors, smiling under my mask at the furs and fursuits I spotted. However, they lead me to the Hyatt instead, a place I had seen in many photos from previous Furfests. Of course, there were furs all over the various levels and I'm still not sure how to accurately describe how I felt upon taking in this sight. The next thing I thought, though, was "I missed the turnoff to the convention center, didn't I.."
I turned around, resolving to pay more attention to the signs, and did eventually find the line for vaccination verification..though I kept walking around it, unsure as to where the end of it was. It didn't take long to figure out that the line went out of the hall itself and into a lobby. That wasn't all that clear for a newcomer like me, but I was glad to see that there was a volunteer with a sign that denoted the end of the line. I figured it would be a while but I was expecting this and had brought along water bottles and snacks. I didn't know what this line was for at first, but a volunteer came by and clarified it for everyone; I also heard people chatting about how quick registration was after you got out of this line.
While waiting in said line (which was moving fairly quickly, thankfully) I tried to observe as much as I could. I noticed people giving each other very big hugs..long, warm embraces, sometimes involving one of the participants jumping into the other's arms as if they hadn't seen each other in a long time. "Which," I thought, "is very likely the case." About an hour or so later, I got verified and then proceeded into the registration hall, which logically was in a separate space. That part only took about 15 minutes and then I was done, with a t-shirt from the strategically placed con store in hand..and wondering what to do next.
I decided to head to the Hyatt with no other particular plans in mind. I found a spot (that I would make frequent use of throughout the weekend) opposite the elevators on the lobby level and behind the Midway room. From there, I sat and observed, smiling at all the fursuiters and other furs I saw while listening to nearby chatter. I felt strangely calm and relaxed, which surprised me. I wasn't sure if I was an outside observer or actively part of what I was observing; like I was Schrödinger's fox. I did still feel like a bit of an impostor, though, that I was deceiving myself about all of this. While pondering this, a fursuiter (I didn't catch their name) came up to me and politely asked if I wanted a hug. I was taken aback at first as I didn't expect anyone to want to talk with me even for a brief period. After a brief consideration, I accepted and it was exactly what I needed.
Thank you, anonymous fursuiter, for helping me feel accepted at just the right time.
Not long after that, I decided to head home and get rested for the first full day. I had mixed feelings on the drive home..happy that I didn't have an anxiety spike or anything like that, yet also sadness at having intentionally excluded myself from this experience..which is still weighing on me.
Friday, December 3:
I probably slept in a bit (no surprise there; I've never been a morning fox) but managed to get back to the con around noon. The first panel I wanted to go to was at 1, so I returned to the lobby, a big smile on my face underneath my masks just being around so many furries. (This was a common occurrence throughout the weekend). At this point, I was still uncertain as to whether I truly belonged; I pictured an anthro version of Steve Buscemi saying "How do you do, fellow furries?" The 1:00 panel, "How to Avoid Anxiety at a Con", was quite helpful, though my anxiety level was staying quite low, overall. I increasingly felt like even someone like me could belong here, based on the wide variety of people that I saw.
I headed for the dealer's den next and was in there for a while, happily overwhelmed (for once) with all of the merchandise and people there. I got some things that I had had my eye on and then headed to the "Sober/Teetotal Furs" meetup. I can't drink alcohol for medical reasons, and I've never been a heavy drinker at all, so I figured I'd show up and see how it went. It went quite well, actually, and I was able to participate in the conversation without feeling overwhelmed by social anxiety (which usually happens when trying to speak to an individual/group for the first time).
As I remember, that was my last panel of the day; I'm glad the schedule is still up as of this writing to help my memory. I had had hopes of perhaps joining a group outing for dinner, but the odds were significantly against that, all things considered. Thus, I headed back towards the parking garage to go to Adobe Gila's, which is on the other side of it from the hotel/convention center. The way to get there was not very clearly marked, though, and I had to double back after what I thought was the logical way there..wasn't.
I still had my ears and tail on and I didn't even think about leaving them at my car; this is noteworthy as I am usually very self-conscious of what I'm wearing, where I'm going, and how it will "appear" and what others will think of me. The fact that I went to the restaurant and was able to eat, pay, and leave without any significant anxiety spikes is very significant and a major step forward for me. After finishing my meal, I went back to the hotel and went to my last panel of the day, (though I missed the first part) "Convention History", which was quite fascinating. I then returned to the aforementioned spot to rest and reflect. I didn't have any further conversations or interactions that I recall and I went home feeling quite content and ready for whatever the next day would bring.
Saturday, December 4:
I arrived back around noon, having gotten a decent amount of sleep. I returned to the dealer's den and picked up some more merchandise before heading back to the spot to have a bit of lunch and rest some more. During this time, I missed a panel that I would have been quite interested in but the name of it was misleading and I didn't pay it a second thought. Lesson learned. Instead, my first panel of the day was "Cons as a Sacred Space", which I enjoyed; it also made me think about how differently (and so much better!) I had felt than usual while within the convention space and adjacent to it.
After that, I headed over to the convention center for "Charity Whose Lion is it Anyway?" which I had a great time at; I was feeling more and more comfortable as the convention went on. At some point during this day, I perused the art show and put some bids in. I didn't end up winning any of them, but there were some remarkable works of art in various mediums that I was glad to see; I completely understand why no pictures or videos are permitted, yet it's hard for me to keep a clear mental image without such aides, unfortunately.
If I remember correctly, I used the quiet room, walked around the video gaming area, and then got the buffet for dinner. There was one more panel I wanted to attend at 8, concerning consensual non-monogamy, which I've heard quite a bit about while listening to the "Two Bi Guys" podcast. The panel was informative and gave me quite a lot to think about regarding this subject.
After that, I headed back to my car, feeling a wave of emotion building within me. The feelings I had had previously of feeling inauthentic, afraid of rejection, afraid that I wouldn't "get it", that I'm not a "real fur", etc. were fading away. When I had started driving, the soundtrack to "The Greatest Showman" came on (thanks to the "feature" of modern cars to start playing music whether you want it or not), and I went with it. As I drove, the wave kept building and building..and as the last song on the soundtrack, "From Now On", reached its climax, I started weeping so profusely I almost had to pull over.
After I returned home, I had a long, fruitful discussion with my wife about everything that had happened on that day. I felt like I had attained a certain amount of catharsis of my fears and doubts and could enjoy the last day without them weighing me down.
Sunday, December 5:
The final day of MFF was a cold and rainy one. I drove back to the garage, got my ears and tail on, and headed in, determined to make the most of it. I did another tour of the dealer's den, got a few more things, and also did one last check of the art show. If I remember correctly, I then roamed around the Hyatt and discovered where the main stage is (well, I didn't go to any panels there, so..yeah *blush*) After all this wandering, I finally felt like I had a much better understanding of the layout of the con in general and won't feel nearly as disoriented in the future.
At 3, I headed to the "Furry Psychology" panel, which was also enjoyable; I think I got some insight into what might predispose someone to have an interest in anthro media (though I still wonder if my bisexuality/queerness lead me to furry or was it the other way around..). I know I should try to enjoy furry more than analyze it..but that's my personality (my wife has a similar disposition, especially when it comes to why we're feeling what we're feeling at a given moment.)
I didn't know what to expect at all at the last panel I went to, "The Hope Panel: What's Next?" but I'm very, very glad that I went as it was exactly what I needed to hear at that time. I had never met or heard of Hope Collie before going but I was very impressed by the panel and its positive, uplifting content.
A memorable moment for me was when Hope asked the audience when was the last time they had attended Midwest Furfest. Several said 2019, some 2018, and it went backward from there. I could have stayed silent or exaggerated my response but I decided to be honest. After everyone else had gone and Hope asked if anyone else had last attended an earlier date, I put my hand up and calmly said "2000". And this is true; I was at the first MFF when it was roughly around 300 people gathered at a hotel in Arlington Heights sharing the space with a few other events, as I remember.
I haven't talked at all about my past association with furry as a singular incident at another fur convention that shall go unnamed was directly responsible for my departure and decades-long sojourn away from the fandom. Even now, all this time later, I'm still trying to overcome it. This incident is not something I want to publicly discuss at this time; I wish things had gone differently and that I could have remained in furry instead. My life likely would have been significantly different though it's impossible to say whether it would be any better or worse than it currently is. All I can do is make the most of the time I have now and try not to bitterly linger on all that could have been..as difficult as that is.
That aside, Hope's calmness and positivity made quite an impression on me; I didn't want the panel to end, due to my enjoyment of it and knowing that the con would be effectively over for me at its conclusion. When it did conclude and I reluctantly headed out, I think I wandered around a little more, trying to take in everything I could before it was time to go home and return to..well, whatever passes for normalcy these days.
All too soon, I was reluctantly taking one last trip back to the parking garage, reflecting on the day and the convention in general. I got to my car, took off the ears and tail, and sat for a while, trying to process everything that I was feeling..and it ran the gamut. Happiness at having conquered my fear, sadness that it was over, worry that I'd done something wrong somehow, anxiety at my perceived social ineptness, satisfaction at (re) embracing a significant part of myself, wistfulness at having missed out for so long..overall, it was such a wonderful experience and I'm so glad I was able to not let what happened in the past hold me back, though there's still more to work on in regards to that.
Afterword:
I could write a lengthy piece about why I stopped being a fur so long ago (and might, at some point), but for now, I'll go over it briefly. After thinking about it recently, the main thing that I remember is that I didn't feel safe any longer (mostly due to the aforementioned incident) about being queer. Around that time, I had uprooted my life in general, moving to the next state over for a job. After arriving, I vaguely recall going to a local furmeet and having a good time. It's hard to remember my exact state of mind but I don't think I was strongly considering leaving furry at that point.
Then 9/11 happened.
After that, I remember feeling like I couldn't "play around" any longer, that life had gotten "serious" and being a fur/queer didn't fit into how the world had become. Thus, I tried to force myself to be as "normal" as possible, disappeared from furry, and told myself I had been straight all along and the last few years had just been a "phase" or "youthful rebellion". I went completely into the closet while hating my queerness yet still accepting and celebrating it in others. That cognitive dissonance caused me no end of torment and grief for many years. I kept forcing myself to be someone I wasn't without even being aware of it while constantly making excuses as to why I was doing this to myself.
Now that I've realized all this and am finding myself all over again, I hope I can stop punishing myself for it. Move forward, enjoy being myself, and not hide any longer..it's all I can do.
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