~Dragonsurfer

Happy Halloween everyone!
Hope y'all stay safe and get many treats tonight.

First, want to send major thank yous to EVERYONE, for all the support and well wishes and all.
It really means a lot to me, really glad to know so many here.

Things still hurt, still suck but I am managing, soldiering through it best I can, going through all the legal lees BS of wills, cremation, life insurance policies and all. It's tiresome and been wearing me down alot over the last few days, not to mention taking care of the pets we have and such.
I'm alright but yeah, losing one's mom is a thing you can't ever fully get over. Still, am trying as I know she wanted me happy and to take care of myself. Slowly going to work to be active again and such, gonna be posting a new dino I got this week maybe, also going to get back into streaming more again too.

Also, like everyone else, most of my twitter/"X" stuff will be shifted to bluesky here: https://bsky.app/profile/kiyadrakon.bsky.social

Again, thank you, all of you.
I care about all of you, I try to be the best I can be for you all and will still continue to try.

My mom has died... Just got called by my dad at the hospital that she's passed... Never got to say goodbye or I love you to her again after she was taken from home...

Sorry if I don't communicate for a while... I'm.. Well.. Yeah...

Mom is in the hospital, she is stable atm, getting hydrated and nutrition through IVs.
Doesn't stop the timer for the inevitable looming happening but.. She's being taken care of for now.

Of course, she is at the hospital which means everything at home falls on me and my dad, more so me as dad is up with her atthe hospital.
So dealing with that currently.

Still have this all to worry about, and my future residency and placement and all but... Least a lil hope I guess, things still suck currently but I'm managing.

Things have gotten worse...

My mom is dying... She has Lou Gehrigs disease, she said she was given 3 years to live on her last doctor visit last month but her health is dropping way faster.
She can't eat, drink or talk, can't move barely, just wasting away...
This on top of everything ese just... I'm likely not going to be overly active for a while...

Everything has finally happened... Monday we will be calling the Humane Society to take all our animals and family will be looking to go into assisted living/nursing home.
For me... I dunno what will happen to me now.

My mom has fallen twice the last few days, she is in bad health, my dad can't do much anymore so we finally hit that limit, we can't stay here...

We are kinda fucked.

I've been strong, or tried... I don't know now what to do anymore...

Don't know what will happen to me now...
I'm lost...

Sadly James Earl Jones, the famous and award winning stage, movie and voice actor behind Darth Vader, Mufasa and more has passed away today, he luckily lived a long fulfilling life to the age of 93.

Truly a legend and a voice we can't ever forget or replace.
https://www.nbcnews.com/news/obitua.....d-93-rcna42405

2024? Who hurt you, honestly.
Need to chill with taking away so many beloved people.

Forest-Wolf/SpottedSqueak  forest-wolf /  spottedsqueak sadly passed away today.
I give condolences to his friends and family, he was one of the first artists I ever started following waaaaaaaaay back in the day...
Man, 2024 sucks...Why are we losing so many good furs.

Also makes me stress on my own mortality more now, since all these late furs were only 10ish years older than me..

But still, rest in peace Forest/Fomo, loved your work... You'll be missed.

I'm sorry for the downer journal a few days ago, I was just scared... Still am really of what's going to happen, has my stress and depression ramped up to max.
Still don't know what to do, if anything but even if I am at my lowest point now in my life... I have a blessing/curse(?) of ALWAYS being an optimistic bastard, even if it's a fool's hope.

So, I'm going to try and figure out SOMETHING, I just have to figure out WHAT.. I can't call human resources or anyone for help because if they saw how fucked up our home is currently and how messed up me and my parents are physically, they gonna haul us all off to assisted living which is the opposite to a good ending (my dad agrees too to such).
Which means losing most of our things and all our pets (don't think they are allowed in AL)

But I'll look around and as said, figure out any kinda hope and such, I do NOT want to lose what keeps me sane and happy, not lose all I've built up over these last 20 years, not lose all my friends, all of you.
So, I will fight.

I know this is a stretch, given everything with Dragoneer's passing and with others having their own issues, I debated on mentioning it but my gofundme is still around from months ago, it helped for a month or two back in the spring but yeah, I am not going to ask for anything, as am sure all you have given enough to others and all but if you do want to help out, here it is:

https://gofund.me/bce8e9d0

But yeah, I'm a wreck right now mentally (cause gawd... ADD and depression suuuuuck together) but I'm not going to give up, not yet.

Things are not going in good paths for me here, my mom's health is deteriorating and since she's who basic runs things, means IF something happens, am kinda boned...
As I have MS as y'all know I'm not able to walk or drive, and everything being an hour/2 hour drive from me (like my doctor and infusion appointments) gonna be a issue.

The MAIN issue... Is if I have to go into assisted living (which my mom's wanting, as she worries for me), but if that happens... I.. well, likely not going be around anymore, plus the urge to unalive myself will peak at that point.
Since the one of the main things that's kept me sane and kept my depression (which I've had for 15 years going now) is my electronics, my PC to stay in touch here and friends, my video games on it and my console and such but if I go into assisted living... That all will kinda end, as am only allowed $30 a month as an "allowance" the state takes everything cent in my bank account which meeeeeeeans, no more new games, no new systems as they come out, if my PC dies or such? I'm SOL.

I really can't imagine living in a room doing, well.. Nothing, no playing games, no talking with y'all online or anything, I'd go insane, then depression ramps up and with that, THOSE thoughts and urges show up but I have NO idea how to avoid that, I'm truly lost... It could happen in a couple years or in a few months, I dunno... Just kinda scared y'know?
The "move in with someone" option is a bit tough, my MS medication lowers me immune system and the stuff does NOT interact with Corvid well so if I get it, even the weaken strand of it.. It's like 85-90% fatal.
Plus all the BS that comes with me, driving me to hospital for my infusions, appointments, my lack of bodily functions and etc is something I don't want to put on another.

So, I don't know what to know, I can't get help as anyone will lead to me being put into AL and as said, that is the LAST option ... But yeah, giving a warning for the future that I... Might not be around much, if things happen.

IF that path is made, I wanna thank ALL of you, my loved ones, my friends I've met and still have.
I joined the community in 2004 and am glad I did, it's been the best time and everyone I've met and known has helped make the last 20 years awesome. Thanks all of you.

Hopefully can enjoy 20 more with everyone.. But hope can only go so far, sure as hell can't pay for shit or take me places.

Dragoneer's mother is going through the hardest time I can ever imagine right now, 'Neer's father passed two years ago, she lost her sister not long ago and now her only son is gone... I can not imagine what she is going though.
Plus, that $27k medical bill is looming on HER now (Cause all hospitals and medical anything are fucking remorseless and EVIL in the US) and funeral costs are stupidly expensive too.

Say and think what you want about Dragoneer, regardless of his fuck ups or good deeds, his mother doesn't deserve all that shit, doesn't deserve all this trauma or BS money hungry asshats that are our medical field.
Plus, FA needs you too, you all worried about FA and want FA to keep going? Help out, even $1 is a dollar more for everything.
Even giving moral support or spreading the word can help too am sure.

All the expenses and the GoFundMe page can all be found here:

https://www.furaffinity.net/journal/10930973

I am shocked to say the lease... Dragoneer has passed away, I... Damn.

He's been around since "I" joined the community back in 2004, before FA was even a thing, used to see stuff he made/had gotten back on VCL, IRC and such places, I think he even had his own site domain then too. While I never met/spoke to him myself, it still kinda punched hard... I really wanted to meet him...
And say what you will how he ran FA but he was himself, one guy running the biggest furry site in the damned world.
He did his best as he could.
He kept it stable, kept it running and smooth for almost two decades now.

I send deepest condolences to his closest family and friends.
Rest well 'Neer... Least you're in a better place now and not in the failing earth anymore.

Rest In Peace, Dragoneer.
Thank you for everything you did for FA and the community for all these years.

So, everything is NOT going fine here...
Me and my family are in dire situations as this house is falling apart, the pipe leading to the septic tank collapsed so we have VERY minimal water drainage and if we do too much, it backflows.. Coupled with the roof is still damaged since 3 years ago from hail, the yad is growing out of control and our car is 15 years old so it's a timebomb...
We have NO money to have anything fixed, everything goes to bills and cause everything is fucking gone up in price, we are sinking here in a place that is going to fall apart... IS falling apart, we NEED to move or fix this place but again, no funds for it.

Plus, being in the middle of bumfuck nowhere, being AN HOUR TO TWO HOURS away from our doctors and any, actual civilizations is also wrecking us in gas, wearing us out and our car since we have doc visits like every week.

I'm n a wheelchair with MS and my parents are elderly, mom in her 70's and dad in his 80's, NONE of us can fix or do much anymore, so we are in a BAD place currently.. Have been for a few years now but it's getting to the point is overwhelming us.
(I got pictures of the house to show how fucked it is)

So... I did what I never thought I'd do or NEEDED to do, made a gofundme to help us MOVE to a better place, or fix this place finally. I don't expect too much but every $ counts, but please if you or your closer friends/family need help more, do that first! Only give if you can or want.

I know this country is FUCKED currently for everyone so take care of yourselves before me.
Link: https://gofund.me/201e61c3

A friend let me know of this artist holding a raffle, they are VERY good with art so if you want, feel free to look.

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/55236755/

It's Appreciate A Dragon Day!
Hope all you dragons out there are loved and enjoying the day! <3

Happy New Years everyone, hope all has a good year this go and may the Year of the Dragon bring prosper and joy! ^^

Hope everyone stays safe, has a fun and good holidays and New Years also ^w^

Doing a 12 Hour Birthday stream, various games will be played!
https://www.twitch.tv/kiya_derg

Made it around for another year, 1 in age again.

Woooo, I guess?

*blows a party horn/blower*

SO, I am kind of in a mild crisis as I am nearly -$100 in my account, I bought something on the 27th for $22 when it wasn't all there, that's on ME, okay yeah L for me.
But with the overdraft fees I should only be at -50 but they said there were two charges on the 28th which are NOT in my bank statements, ALL I see is two extra overdraft few charges... They aren't concerned about it as me, sure the two charges were a $3 and $5 things but still... I didn't buy anything, my family, didn't buy anything so... Yeah, bank just being all "Oh well, you must have did it, sorry bye" isn't helpful too..
I can't really GO there either cause, ya know, in a wheelchair so yeah, really fucked right now and pissed.

More at their incompetence but also being out $100 next month.
I hate money, fucks the world up so much.

Hope everyone stays safe out there and gets lots of treats! <3

Just try to not BE the treats~ ;3

So yeah, made one so go follow if you want and are there too.

https://bsky.app/profile/kiyadrakon.bsky.social

I hate doing more negative journals but gawd damn it, life is being a BITCH, more so when I was down already.

So, my foodstamps is on hold for whenever cause they needed things and were given such, LAST MONTH and now it's the 11th when I usually get my EBT (foodstamp currency) aaaaaaand... Nothing, 5 hours of not being able to get anyone on phone, finally do and they said "Oh, yes we have all we need, we just don't have anyone to activate it right now, we will try to get it done when we can."

REALLY? You fucks have no one to send my foodstamp money to my EBT card for a MONTH now? So yeah, there is that currently so no foodstamps.

THEN, my actual debit card is fucked, my bank never mailed my new card (since last one expired last month) or if they did, was lost in the black void that is the U.S. Mail service.
So, now have to wait for them to mail me a thing that has a new card but not functional yet, as well as a thing that basically says I am me, activate my card. Send that back to them via (the shitty) mail and hope things go well and they will make the card be turned on and useable.
SO I have NO card and anyway to pay for things outside paypal (which I can't do at stores, amazon or whatever as I have no paypal card)

So yeah... Fuuuuuuuuuck our government, banks and all this BS, hate how complicated and "fuck you" everything is to people.

Many may or may not know but I usually wear a smile 90% of the time, as I am usually always depressed but I hide it cause I don't like ruining the days of my friends and such with my dark clouds of negativity.

Sadly, the smile I wear gets cracks and those cracks keep getting longer as time goes... Leading to my actual feels coming out, like now.
This is nothing new though, this has just been building for YEARS, since I was like 20-21yo but with how life has chosen the road I am on just has been making it grow worse. Yes the whole MS (multiple sclerosis), being wheelchair bound unable to walk was hit on me but what really has been weighing on me is everything else around that.

Like... I don't know why I am even in the community still, I don't write nor can I draw anymore (MS again), I hardly RP anymore, buying commissions is even becoming a rarity as I never have the funds for them unless NOTHING happens and I save for like months beforehand as I only get MAYBE $100 a month (after all the bills and such) so use on my self, IF nothing else pops up... Soooooo besides just faving things and the occasional comment, not really doing anything.

I'm in so many servers in discord that I rarely, if EVER say or do anything in and I know so many people I almost never talk too which I HATE, and if you're one of them seeing this, I am honestly sorry we don't talk as much as we or I'd like.
I've know so many who've just kinda left or faded away from friendship cause of this.

All I do nowadays is watch Youtube or play video games, I don't hardly do much in the furry community, FA or whatever so dunno why am in it, I can't go to furry meets/cons which was something I always wanted to do last once. *shrugs*
I have characters I haven't/can't do anything with, Kade, my Indominus Rex I had since 2015 and took 5-6 years before I got anything with him and same will likely happen to my newest dragon Ayzen.

I'm sorry if this sours peoples vore day or just day in general, didn't mean for it too but just needed to express how I feel I don't have any worth in the community anymore, I know I'll have friends who say other wise but doesn't change how I feel.
Been in the furry community since 2004 and I guess after these almost 20 years, I've grown and hit the peak of my time in it years ago and guessing i'm on the downward slope of it now.

I know this is just one big whine-fest of a "oh woe is me" rant but I don't care, I just want and needed to say things, I'm tired of always holding things in and my depression ever growing each year isn't helping.

Hope you all have a good day/night, don't let my ramblings ruin things for you, stay happy and such.
I'm not going to hurt myself or do something stupid so don't worry, just not feeling all too happy or worth much currently.

Edit: Made a new journal so y'all can comment, if you wanted.

Messed up, new journal is posted on this.