~angelmacleod

Due to my need for money to buy the medicines I need just to stay alive ( I am type two diabetic ) I have opened up myself for commissions. Please read thoroughly before you message me with a request so that you know what to expect. I will let folks now how to send payment when they note me. Also donations for my meds would be greatly appreciated as well. Thank you in advance.

Angel MacLeod's Commissions Price List

General information:
-sketch will be PG or PG-13 rated
-tasteful/"Disney-style" nudity is okay
-no tentacles, visible sex organs, gooey fluids
-sketch will be high-quality digital plus a web-ready version

Tier 1: Basic Pencil Sketch $15
Includes: one character sketch, portrait or pin-up style. Shading/greyscale included.

Example: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7527537

Options for Tier 1 (additional cost in parentheses)
Basic background like a chair, cushion or bed (+$5)
Complex background like a car, plane, spaceship (+$10 minimum)
Extra character (+$5/character, limit 3)
Complex features like exotic armor, fire, lightning (negotiable)

Tier 2: Basic Ink Sketch $30
Includes: one character sketch, portrait or pin-up style.
Shading/greyscale included.

Example: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7527566/

Options for Tier 2 (additional cost in parentheses)
Basic background like a chair, cushion or bed (+$7.50)
Complex background like a car, plane, spaceship (+$12.50 minimum)
Extra character (+$7.50/character, limit 3)
Complex features like exotic armor, fire, lightning (negotiable)

Tier 3: Full color picture $45
Includes: One full-color picture of your character. Shading included.

Example: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7528105/

Options for Tier 3 (additional cost in parentheses)
Basic background like a chair, cushion or bed (+$10)
Complex background like a car, plane, spaceship (+$15 minimum)
Extra character (+$10/character, limit 3)
Complex features like exotic armor, fire, lightning (negotiable)


Here is an example of a piece that is just about all the bells and whistles and would be around $150 : http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7138158


Thank you again for your consideration.

Also just so you can know if you are wondering I have a graphic design degree from college and have been doing freelance art for over 20 years. In the early 90s I followed the Comic Con circuit as well as several gaming conventions as a working artist.

Due to my need for money to buy the medicines I need just to stay alive ( I am type two diabetic ) I have opened up myself for commissions. Please read thoroughly before you message me with a request so that you know what to expect. I will let folks now how to send payment when they note me. Also donations for my meds would be greatly appreciated as well. Thank you in advance.

Angel MacLeod's Commissions Price List

General information:
-sketch will be PG or PG-13 rated
-tasteful/"Disney-style" nudity is okay
-no tentacles, visible sex organs, gooey fluids
-sketch will be high-quality digital plus a web-ready version

Tier 1: Basic Pencil Sketch $15
Includes: one character sketch, portrait or pin-up style. Shading/greyscale included.

Example: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7527537

Options for Tier 1 (additional cost in parentheses)
Basic background like a chair, cushion or bed (+$5)
Complex background like a car, plane, spaceship (+$10 minimum)
Extra character (+$5/character, limit 3)
Complex features like exotic armor, fire, lightning (negotiable)

Tier 2: Basic Ink Sketch $30
Includes: one character sketch, portrait or pin-up style.
Shading/greyscale included.

Example: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7527566/

Options for Tier 2 (additional cost in parentheses)
Basic background like a chair, cushion or bed (+$7.50)
Complex background like a car, plane, spaceship (+$12.50 minimum)
Extra character (+$7.50/character, limit 3)
Complex features like exotic armor, fire, lightning (negotiable)

Tier 3: Full color picture $45
Includes: One full-color picture of your character. Shading included.

Example: http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7528105/

Options for Tier 3 (additional cost in parentheses)
Basic background like a chair, cushion or bed (+$10)
Complex background like a car, plane, spaceship (+$15 minimum)
Extra character (+$10/character, limit 3)
Complex features like exotic armor, fire, lightning (negotiable)


Here is an example of a piece that is just about all the bells and whistles and would be around $150 : http://www.furaffinity.net/view/7138158


Thank you again for your consideration.

Also just so you can know if you are wondering I have a graphic design degree from college and have been doing freelance art for over 20 years. In the early 90s I followed the Comic Con circuit as well as several gaming conventions as a working artist.

It gets better. You are STRONGER than you think. You CAN AND WILL GET PAST THIS.

So basically slap yourself in the face and kick your own ass into gear and say I am going to have fun if it kills everyone else.

Then Flip off Death and the Devil and say “You will not have a hold of me again with your entire negative BS. I am GODS child and you cannot have me ever again!”

Or something to that effect

Well these past two weeks have been terribly stressful. First off I am still dealing with being unemployed and I am now out of benefits so I very well may lose my car.

That is just a small stress. The factors adding to it are my 86 year old grandmother has had to go to the hospital twice for things with her heart. I keep on praying that the Lord will let her stay with us just a little longer but I am not sure that is his plan, we never do. It makes me very sad and it is something I am not sure I am ready to deal with. I do not handle death that well and I just know I am going to be a wreck. I try not to think about it but it is always on the back of my mind.

Also I have developed an abscess on my jaw which has been very painful. Thank goodness my mother took me to The Urgency Room, a type of urgent care. There the doc examined it and prescribed the much needed antibiotics. I hope it will be totally cleared in a couple of weeks.

I have been losing myself in EverQuest 2 in order to escape this stress and it is helping some but I have to be so careful not to get pulled I again in the MMO trap. I just have to keep reminding myself that the Real world still has a lot of good to offer and I do know that I have my family and friends to count on for support.

I pray this today as I pray every day.

“God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference.”

I hope this will be over soon.

Hello again to all of you. This is another entry which will most likely be the last posting from me this year. I have to say that this year has been full of a LOT of change for me. I lost my hair stylist of 4 years (She did more than just cut my hair; she was a dear close friend). I lost my job. I lost my apartment. Nearly lost my car. But you know what? I never lost my faith. In all of these trials I have had I knew that I would survive. I know that there are more important things yet for me to do in this life and these challenges that I have faced have continued to humble me in knowing how loved I am. There are many others much worse off than me and they manage to keep a positive attitude and that inspires me to hang on. I know that things will get better.

I am forever grateful to the friends and family I have and am truly blessed with my life. Even though there are some that I wish were still a part of my life I do not hold anything against them for how they struggle to deal with the changes I made in my life because I chose to live instead of end it. I look forward to the new journeys I will take, the new friends I will make. I am excited about the prospects of what the future holds and the possibilities of what may be. Yes I know there will be continued struggles but that is part of life. What is important is to learn from these challenges and grow as a person.

I implore all of you to rise to the occasion of this time of year. Whether you are Jewish, Muslim, Buddhist, Christian, Pagan, or whatever your faith, please be loving to one another. If there is one lesson that we ALL need to learn in life in unconditional love. We need to care for one another, not just at this time of year, but all of the time. If we can all get past the selfishness of modern times and get back to what life is all about, love and compassion, we will finally have peace on Earth.

God Bless all of you.

Love,

Angel Roberts

On this day of tradition I wish to openly give thanks to my mother and father, whom without them I would most assuredly be homeless. Thanks to my grandmothers, whose support and love have help guide me though life I know I would not be the person I am today. My thanks to the rest of my family, though at times the relationship can seem a bit strained I still love all of them for they are dear to me. And even thank you to my dear brother, who I still love very much. I know that everything that has happened in life of late has made it difficult and I may have received so treatment that some would deem as cruel I look at it this way, regardless of any actions taken against me I still love him and his family. I also give thanks to all of my friends that I have made on my life’s journey, which is such a large list I apologize I must thank you all in this blanket gratitude, I love you all. And most of all I am thankful to God, and my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. It is the teachings of Christ, about unconditional love and compassion that have continued to give me this strength to go on in this live and do my best to follow in his footsteps and show the light of what is good in this universe.

God Bless us all.

Love Angel

I want to take a moment today to thank all of the men and women in uniform today who through thankless acts do their job to keep us safe and secure. Whether they are soldiers, marines, sailors, airmen, police, or fire, what they do is what makes them heroes and they deserve all of our respect and thanks.

My father is today out riding with the Patriot Guard Riders again escorting funerals of our fallen vets. He has been doing this for a while and he being a vet as well makes me so proud of him. I sometimes wish I was brave enough to have done the job all these fine folks do but I just could not cut it but I am forever grateful.

God Bless you all and God Bless America.

Love Angel

Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
by Joe Butt
Profile: INFJ
Revision: 3.1
Date of Revision: 8 Aug 2010
________________________________________
Beneath the quiet exterior, INFJs hold deep convictions about the weightier matters of life. Those who are activists -- INFJs gravitate toward such a role -- are there for the cause, not for personal glory or political power.
INFJs are champions of the oppressed and downtrodden. They often are found in the wake of an emergency, rescuing those who are in acute distress. INFJs may fantasize about getting revenge on those who victimize the defenseless. The concept of 'poetic justice' is appealing to the INFJ.

"There's something rotten in Denmark." Accurately suspicious about others' motives, INFJs are not easily led. These are the people that you can rarely fool any of the time. Though affable and sympathetic to most, INFJs are selective about their friends. Such a friendship is a symbiotic bond that transcends mere words.

INFJs have a knack for fluency in language and facility in communication. In addition, nonverbal sensitivity enables the INFJ to know and be known by others intimately.

Writing, counseling, public service and even politics are areas where INFJs frequently find their niche.

Functional Analysis:

Introverted iNtuition

Introverted intuitives, INFJs enjoy a greater clarity of perception of inner, unconscious processes than all but their INTJ cousins. Just as SP types commune with the object and "live in the here and now" of the physical world, INFJs readily grasp the hidden psychological stimuli behind the more observable dynamics of behavior and affect. Their amazing ability to deduce the inner workings of the mind, will and emotions of others gives INFJs their reputation as prophets and seers. Unlike the confining, routinizing nature of introverted sensing, introverted intuition frees this type to act insightfully and spontaneously as unique solutions arise on an event by event basis.

Extraverted Feeling

Extraverted feeling, the auxiliary deciding function, expresses a range of emotion and opinions of, for and about people. INFJs, like many other FJ types, find themselves caught between the desire to express their wealth of feelings and moral conclusions about the actions and attitudes of others, and the awareness of the consequences of unbridled candor. Some vent the attending emotions in private, to trusted allies. Such confidants are chosen with care, for INFJs are well aware of the treachery that can reside in the hearts of mortals. This particular combination of introverted intuition and extraverted feeling provides INFJs with the raw material from which perceptive counselors are shaped.

Introverted Thinking

The INFJ's thinking is introverted, turned toward the subject. Perhaps it is when the INFJ's thinking function is operative that he is most aloof. A comrade might surmise that such detachment signals a disillusionment, that she has also been found lacking by the sardonic eye of this one who plumbs the depths of the human spirit. Experience suggests that such distancing is merely an indication that the seer is hard at work and focusing energy into this less efficient tertiary function.

Extraverted Sensing

INFJs are twice blessed with clarity of vision, both internal and external. Just as they possess inner vision which is drawn to the forms of the unconscious, they also have external sensing perception which readily takes hold of worldly objects. Sensing, however, is the weakest of the INFJ's arsenal and the most vulnerable. INFJs, like their fellow intuitives, may be so absorbed in intuitive perceiving that they become oblivious to physical reality. The INFJ under stress may fall prey to various forms of immediate gratification. Awareness of extraverted sensing is probably the source of the "SP wannabe" side of INFJs. Many yearn to live spontaneously; it's not uncommon for INFJ actors to take on an SP (often ESTP) role.

Famous INFJs:
Nathan, prophet of Israel
Aristophanes
Chaucer
Goethe
Robert Burns, Scottish poet
U.S. Presidents:
Martin Van Buren
James Earl "Jimmy" Carter
Nathaniel Hawthorne
Fanny Crosby, (blind) hymnist
Mother Teresa of Calcutta
Fred McMurray (My Three Sons)
Shirley Temple Black, child actor, ambassador
Martin Luther King, Jr., civil rights leader, martyr
James Reston, newspaper reporter
Shirley MacLaine (Sweet Charity, ...)
Piers Anthony, author ("Xanth" series)
Michael Landon (Little House on the Prairie)
Tom Selleck
John Katz, critic, author
Paul Stookey (Peter, Paul and Mary)
U. S. Senator Carol Moseley-Braun (D-IL)
Billy Crystal
Garry Trudeau (Doonesbury)
Nelson Mandela
Mel Gibson
Carrie Fisher
Nicole Kidman
Jerry Seinfeld
Jamie Foxx
Sela Ward
Mark Harmon
Gary Dourdan
Marg Helgaberger
Evangeline Lilly
Tori May
________________________________________
Introverted iNtuiting Feeling Judging
by Marina Margaret Heiss
INFJs are distinguished by both their complexity of character and the unusual range and depth of their talents. Strongly humanitarian in outlook, INFJs tend to be idealists, and because of their J preference for closure and completion, they are generally "doers" as well as dreamers. This rare combination of vision and practicality often results in INFJs taking a disproportionate amount of responsibility in the various causes to which so many of them seem to be drawn.

INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people -- a product of the Feeling function they most readily show to the world. On the contrary, INFJs are true introverts, who can only be emotionally intimate and fulfilled with a chosen few from among their long-term friends, family, or obvious "soul mates." While instinctively courting the personal and organizational demands continually made upon them by others, at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible as inherent "givers." As a pattern of behavior, it is perhaps the most confusing aspect of the enigmatic INFJ character to outsiders, and hence the most often misunderstood -- particularly by those who have little experience with this rare type.

Due in part to the unique perspective produced by this alternation between detachment and involvement in the lives of the people around them, INFJs may well have the clearest insights of all the types into the motivations of others, for good and for evil. The most important contributing factor to this uncanny gift, however, are the empathic abilities often found in Fs, which seem to be especially heightened in the INFJ type (possibly by the dominance of the introverted N function).

This empathy can serve as a classic example of the two-edged nature of certain INFJ talents, as it can be strong enough to cause discomfort or pain in negative or stressful situations. More explicit inner conflicts are also not uncommon in INFJs; it is possible to speculate that the causes for some of these may lie in the specific combinations of preferences which define this complex type. For instance, there can sometimes be a "tug-of-war" between NF vision and idealism and the J practicality that urges compromise for the sake of achieving the highest priority goals. And the I and J combination, while perhaps enhancing self-awareness, may make it difficult for INFJs to articulate their deepest and most convoluted feelings.

Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills. Since in addition they often possess a strong personal charisma, INFJs are generally well-suited to the "inspirational" professions such as teaching (especially in higher education) and religious leadership. Psychology and counseling are other obvious choices, but overall, INFJs can be exceptionally difficult to pigeonhole by their career paths. Perhaps the best example of this occurs in the technical fields. Many INFJs perceive themselves at a disadvantage when dealing with the mystique and formality of "hard logic", and in academic terms this may cause a tendency to gravitate towards the liberal arts rather than the sciences. However, the significant minority of INFJs who do pursue studies and careers in the latter areas tend to be as successful as their T counterparts, as it is *iNtuition* -- the dominant function for the INFJ type -- which governs the ability to understand abstract theory and implement it creatively.

In their own way, INFJs are just as much "systems builders" as are INTJs; the difference lies in that most INFJ "systems" are founded on human beings and human values, rather than information and technology. Their systems may for these reasons be conceptually "blurrier" than analogous NT ones, harder to measure in strict numerical terms, and easier to take for granted -- yet it is these same underlying reasons which make the resulting contributions to society so vital and profound.

Copyright © 1996-2011 by Marina Margaret Heiss and Joe Butt

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Low
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Low
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Low
Narcissistic: Low
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Low

Ok I just had to write this out.

Ok I am not sure what has triggered this today but I am a little upset, no, disappointed at our so called open minded society.

Once again bigotry and hypocrisy have reared their ugly heads and I for one am sick of it. Why is it that there is so much hate in this world against those who are different. How can this still be the case today in our so called enlightened society.

Just because the ways certain ‘Lifestyle choices’ ( I do not consider it much of a choice) you are to be ostracized by the rest of society.

I guess it is ok for some alcoholic jack ass to beat and abuse his spouse but since they are a man and a woman that is fine but if you are homosexual heaven frikkin forbid you provide a loving save home but you cannot marry. What is up with these asshats. Seriously!?!?!?

And furthermore if you want to get custody of a child you better look like the frikking Cleavers or you will not get the kid. You can be a drug addict or alcoholic that is fine but if you enjoy anthropomorphic stuff you are EVIL. JHC people, get over yourselves.

Ok stepping off soapbox, rant off……for now

My life has had a rather large run of loss here recently. First was the hair (thank you again for all the help) second was the apartment (roommates just not working out and I can in no WAY afford it on my own) third, was fired on Sept 14th from my job so I am unemployed and the biggest was a friend of mine died from a heart attack while helping the roommates move from the apartment.

Ok…I am not very good at asking for these things. I am not sure if it is pride or what but I am in a desperate situation at this point. First let me give you all a little background

As many of you know my own natural hair is pretty much nonexistent. I have had to rely on extensions for years to have any hair and wigs before that. Last March the girl who was taking care of my extensions disappeared, literally. I was in a desperate situation. Without her there was no way that I could maintain the hair myself and I looked for an alternative but everywhere I looked was way more than I could afford.

I saw an advertisement on the television at work one Sunday and it was for Hairclub. They offered a free consultation so I figured I would call. Out of desperation I called them.

I had no idea how expensive this venture would be total, even after I got in there. I just saw results from clients and what they could do for me.

They told me what I would need to do to “Join” the club and what I would get for it. I had seen wigs cost more than what they were asking so I figured it was worth a try. At first it was great, they really were taking care of me every step of the way. I had a dear friend help me with the start-up cost, which I still owe her for that, and started with some great looking hair while I waited for the custom hair to be made. After about the first month and a half the first one they gave me started to thin really badly. They stated that because of the blonde that a lot of the hair would come out due to how fragile it was but I had no idea. When I went in to have them look at it they told me it was too far gone and gave me another to hold me over until the actual one being paid for arrived. The second one seemed to be holding up better but it was darker and shorter.

After a month my customer hair arrived, 12 weeks from the initial measurements. It was beautiful. I could not have been happier…Then it started with this one, almost immediately. Light blonde hair coming out of it. After the first weeks I went back in very concerned and they assured me it looked fine but I could feel it was thinner in the back. They also told me that since they had already provided two other pieces for me they could not give me another even though it was falling apart.

For many weeks I tried to baby this hair, make it last but eventually it just got too bad. This last weekend I stayed at a friend’s apartment and I took a show and removed the hairpiece to discover that half the hair was gone. I knew it was bad but not that bad. I nearly broke down in tears realizing that I was going to be bald. Now some of you may be saying ‘That sucks, why don’t you wear a wig?” Well that brings me to my plea for help.

I have right now still in my position a wig that I bought for Halloween 20 years ago. I have had to wear this thing just to leave my apartment. It is embarrassing, depressing, and just plain horrible. Now I have a local friend who put me in contact with a local wig studio who is helping me out in my situation. I am getting a wig from him at a greatly discounted rate but it is still not cheap. I have managed to put some money down on it but I am still short $200. I have a full time job but all my other bills just do not allow much extra spending if at all, in fact I will be having to be out of my apartment Oct. 31st due to losing the apartment.

In short I need help. All I really have to offer is original artwork done by me and a few prints of art that I have collected over the years.

If you can help please respond to me and let me know.

I thank you in advance,

Angel

<center title="Which My Little Pony Friendship is Magic pony are you Quiz" style="display:block;padding:5px"><a href="http://www.quizazz.com/quiz.php/888.....t;><font size="+2"><strong>Which My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic pony are you?</strong></font><br/><br/><img style="max-height:300px;max-width:380px" src="http://i.quizazz.com/img/q/u/11/03/.....e.PNG.jpg"; /><br/><br/><font size="+1"><strong>Pinkie Pie</strong></font><br/></a>As cute and quirky as a pony on a unicycle, with more energy and exuberance than an all-you-can-eat sugar rush, you can't help but naturally be the one that stands out from the crowd. And you don't mind! In fact you're usually have too much fun to even notice those other ponies staring at you. You love life and keep looking at it through those rose-tinted (or should I say pink-tinted) specs! And what's the point in being happy if you can't spread the cheer with others? With your gift of wonderful silliness you can bring a smile to anyone's face and help turn those frowns upside-down.<br/><br/><font size="+1"><a href="Take" title="http://www.quizazz.com/quiz.php/888694/Which-My-Little-Pony-Friendship-is-Magic-pony-are-you/">Take" class="auto_link auto_link_shortened">http://www.quizazz.com/quiz.php/888.....">Take this Quiz</a> &middot; <a href="Browse" title="http://www.quizazz.com/?t=quiz">Browse" class="auto_link">http://www.quizazz.com/?t=quiz">Browse Quizazz</a></font></center>

It has been a very long time since I have written anything here or on any of my journals. I have just not felt strong enough to really write anything of late because well, when life is going good and you are out enjoying it you are rarely behind the keyboard. Now, yes it is true I do spend most of my time sitting in front of a computer screen, both at home and at work but I have what I think are good reasons. First off, work is work. When you work in a call center and all of your tools are computer based you kind of have to do that. As for home, well main reason is there is a very special person in my life. I first met him in Second Life and yes I know, Internet Romance can be fickle but this feels very genuine. Anyone that knows me knows that I talk about him all the time. Now I am not mentioning his name at this point yet because of some certain circumstances that have to take place first but needless to say there is a high probability that he will be up here in KC soon moving in with me. We have been a mated pair in Second Life now since June of last year. In a game, especially Second Life, that is like forever. I knew that what we have is special since the fact of the matter I have practically talked to him every day either via voice in SL, Yahoo or phone. We both know so much about each other. I hold no secrets from him at all. He knows EVERYTHING about me and he still loves me and I love him too….so very much.

I have been in several relationships in my life. I have to say I have never ever felt so strongly about anyone in my life. The way he makes me feel, as a person, as a woman is more than I could have ever dreamed about a person being that way for me. Now don’t get me wrong, I am there for him as well in every way I can. I would do anything for him, including giving up everything.

I truly can see a bright future in store for both of us. He has a chance to start ove3r and finally live his life for himself and grow and I get to have the most wonderful man I have ever been with in life, to hold me, and love me.

I recently got a note from a former classmate on Facebook apologizing to me for the harassment I received when I was in school. She hoped that she was not part of it but said if she was she felt sorry and wanted to apologize and wish me a very merry Christmas and that she was glad I am happy.

Now this got me to thinking here. I thought about all these recent incidents of bullying in school and all of the harassment that goes on today. How am I able to look back, to that part in my life and I realized that I never even looked at what was happening to me from others. I was just blissfully ignorant of the fact that I was picked on. Sure I knew I was not one of the popular kids but I never felt ostracized like other kids I saw. Now seeing them bullied, that upset me but whenever someone said anything to me negative I was like a duck and let it roll off my back. I am not sure what I can attribute that to save my belief in God and the phrase “turn the other cheek’ Somehow I also understood at an early age that the behaviors I was seeing were ones out of fear and an attempt to fit in which is what humans in general desperately try to do in adolescents. Looking back on this now, at a point where I am in my mid-life, I can see that it is just part of the human condition. I think as parents the best thing we can do for our children who cause bullying or are a victim of it need to try and explain this to them. I think if we are able to communicate this and make it clear that the behavior is wrong but can be dealt with in a civil and positive way we can go a long way to bringing peace to the world.

God Bless and have a wonderful holiday season

Angel

Well here I am sitting in front of my computer staring at the dual monitors and I am really drawing a blank as to write something worthwhile.

My life in general is going pretty good, no real complaints. I have a decent job where people actually respect and like me. My family loves and cares about me and I am pretty stable emotionally.

I guess the only real deal is looking to the future. What does it have in store for me? Honestly I do not know. At this point I am just going along for the ride and for those that want to share that with me great. Those that choose not I hope that your journey is a most blessed one and you find happiness.

Nom....that is all

Ok as much as I would like to be this perfect being of good I am not. I am not perfect, hell I do not think anyone is. I try and try to be as good of a person as I can be but here of late I feel like I am failing. I have to be nice to ever single caller I have at work as it is customer service and I am expected to be that way outside of work. No matter how anyone makes me feel I am supposed to smile and nod and say yes that is wonderful yes please give me another, whatever it is, however personally painful it is. I used to get angry but now I just get depressed. People seem to expect that of me now…. Be there for everyone all at once, no matter how they make me feel. I am no Mother Theresa, I am no saint. I am just a person who has feelings, hopes, and dreams just like everyone else. Why do I so often now feel like I do not have anyone to turn to or confide in anymore? Sure there is my faith in him. The one I believe in who created me but I hate to say it there is many times it does not bring me comfort. I still cry more than I would like.

I have to try and remember what my therapist said, to put myself first from time to time because if I don’t I will turn bitter. Then why do I feel guilty every time I do that? If I put myself before others I feel like I am being less of a person or I am being selfish. Why do I feel this way….

Well I have not written in a while and I think I know why. I have been letting myself go downhill here for a few months. My health has been suffering because of it.

I shall go back to a time when I think the snowball started. In January I started a diet that I thought that would lose weight as well as curb the effects of the diabetes. After a few months I had lost some weight but my blood sugars went all awry and I started passing out on a regular basis.

It made me think back to my life before I transitioned and at that time I could care less whether or not I lived or died but now I want to live as long as I can but now my health is in such bad shape that I cannot enjoy it as much. That I think is the root cause of my depression that is creeping back in. It is so ironic, so ironic that this has happened.

Well last Tuesday I had an incident that was a real wake up call. My blood sugars have been slowly rising and as my mother stated to me that night that when you blood sugar is high you tend to make poor decisions and mine was to try and move a desk by myself and in the process it collapsed on top of me pinning me to the ground. I cried out for help and my mate Cal came to my rescue and lifted the desk off of me. While I was not hurt I was shaken badly and after five minutes I broke down crying and Cal did not know what to do so he called my mother and she came over and was able to help calm me.

This incident helped bring me back to a sense of reality and has driven me to try and get my life back on track. I am going to stay on my meds and I am going to start my exercise program so that I can get myself in a place where I can learn how to live the life the way I need to.
I want to give thanks to my family and friends for being there for me. If God had not put you all in my life I think I would be dead right now so for that gift you have given me I am eternally gratetful.

- Love Angel

There is a fellow fur in a situation where he is in dire need of help. He is being abused physically, mentally and emotionally. We have held fund raisers and gathered all we can for him on second life and have gathered almost enough to get him moved from his current place to where RoseWolf and Vince Kamenev live. They are opening their arms and home to take him in to help him recover and get back on his feet. But, we still have not gathered enough. We are still 19K L$ short of the goal for the 2d 2h 45m bus ride from his location to theirs. RoseWolf Thorne, on Second life has been collecting for over 2 weeks already to get him moved before things get much worse. If you can help please.. Do so.

To this end I am donating an original piece of art to the cause. The first person to donate for the art and bid $50 for a color single character piece will get that done by me (( That would be roughly $20k linden. If you can do that it would really help this charity out. ))

Well Yesterday afternoon I traveled to Spectravixens home for the first time. I had not seen her since she moved out and that time in my life was very difficult all the way around. I still felt guilt over how I had behaved but I knew that what I had done was for the greater good for all involved because if I had not finally done something I would not be here right now.

Let me catch you up first so this all will make sense to you. You see in general I am not a confrontational person at all, in fact I think most are not. That was the first hurdle I had to get past as my initial reactions to stressful situations is to flee and if cornered, i.e. cannot escape, is to want to kill myself to escape what is upsetting me so. I had this happen with someone before that I had let into my home because I felt sorry for her and though I could help and when the personality of this person started to push every single negative button in me I felt like slitting my throat and wrists to escape and that was when I finally told my other roommate at the time that (He was dating her) either she went or I would as I could not take it anymore. He chose to kick her out and stay with me even though we were not an item as he too realized that we could not help her. That happened in 2006 and after only a couple of months the same pattern started again with Spectravixen. It was nothing specific I could put my finger on but it just because more and more stressful with her here and I felt powerless to help her so I implored her to get better or get someplace where people equipped for her special needs could better help her. The tensions grew and grew. Cal Foxx became more and more stressed. I became more stressed. Even my new roommate Michelle grew in stress and she is usually one of the most relaxed people I know. After speaking with my counselor I told that I had two choices, one to go back to my old ways and run away or to confront the situation and stand up for myself and speak my mind and tell the truth of my feelings. I knew about the situations in the past for Brianna with some of her former roommates and the behaviors they gave were classic passive aggressive behaviors because they did not want to be confrontational, they just wanted her out of the situation because it was too difficult to handle for them so they began to act in a negative way 'Hoping the problem would just go away’. I could not do that. I cared too much for Cal Foxx and Spectravixen to just randomly start acting like a jerk and not say why. The way I had to be now was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. I hated to have to 'Act' the parent to a peer just so that she could grow and become the self reliant person I knew she could be. I know she did not want to be dependent on others but everything about her behaviors showed that she was becoming more and more dependent on us for her care than we were capable of. We had to remind her several times to make appointments, fill out needed paperwork, and make calls she needed to do for her recovery. Her condition got worse and worse. Her seizure became more of a frequent occurrence and that in itself made me want her to get help even faster and I was terrified I would come home from work one day and find her dead on the floor because of a seizure. Eventually Cal Foxx broke up his relationship with Spectravixen after the stress became too difficult for him to bare and around that time I ended my relationship with Northpaw and we were all alone in this swirling mass of pain. Eventually Spectravixen did find, on her own, a place that she could stay that was in walking distance of the hospital that she had to go to for so many visits as well as afford all on her own. This proved to me that she was the strong woman I knew she could be and I was very proud of her finally showing the strength and courage to step forward into the world her own woman and now she can be one step closer to a stronger recovery from the horrible accident that nearly took her young life.

This brings us up to today. A couple of months have gone by and I have spoken to Spectravixen on the phone a couple of times but only to tell her again and again why I did what I did but the pain was still too fresh with the two of us that were just not ready for forgive and forget all that had happened. This stress between Spectravixen and me was becoming too much for Cal Foxx as while he know she needed to be away he still had a strong love for her and it upset him seeing the two of us continuing on our destructive path. I knew there were those out there that knew Spectravixen and Cal Foxx much better than me and because of the situation they blamed me for the break up as well as being horrible to Spectravixen and I just wanted her, and everyone else to know what my intentions were and are still for her. I want nothing but the best for Spectravixen and I have faith that she will make a full recovery and who knows, she may even be driving again and recover the freedom that brings.

I carried that message to her home yesterday afternoon and fighting off tears I said what I felt and I care too much for her and Cal Foxx and Northpaw to ever be false and spoke the truth to them how I felt as I always have and will continue to do so. And as I promised to her I am making a public posting of what I said to her and the fact that she and I have started the healing process of our relationship.

I love you Brianna

Angel