Hyper Focused
8 years ago
Some may also refer to it as "Tunnel Vision". I do not know the technical term for this mental issue, but it's something that I know I have.
I'll play the same video game for months at a time, until i get bored with it, not playing anything in between. Thanks to the internet & Netflix, I'll watch the same show until "completion", or until i get bored with it, sometimes forgetting about it when moving to another activity, like back to a video game, or movie series, or something.
Maybe this is a normal condition, though if it is, I don't know anyone else who does it. Is it common enough to have it's own medical journal? Do other people only play or watch one single thing and nothing else, aside from dedicated World of Warcraft gamers or MMO players, or people that only play Call of Duty- those "bros" just have poor taste in video games.
---
This "Hyper Focus" also effects my friendships and romantic relationships, to a greater degree. I'll meet a friend, develop a relationship, and eventually have a new close friend, maybe more. Most of the time, we remain friends, and only friends, and that's what a lot of my friends are. I guess that's how most friendships start.
In the case of the "maybe more", I develop deep feelings for them, focus on only them, and hope that they feel the same. It has really only happened to me a few times in my life to the only people I've ever made initial contact with (not those that have sought ME out), I develop intense feelings for this person. I think only of them, I don't investigate other avenues or potential love interests while focused on my current "obsession".
Until I think they're not returning the affection, they seem to not be right for me or vice versa due to interests and personality, or I think that I am not THEIR focus... And that's the most detrimental thing about being this way.
Unless I think they're talking to me as much as I try to talk to them, I'll psyche myself out, convince myself I'm not important, because look at all these friends they (appear to) have and contact, and I'm just one of those.
-
I sobbed in the shower earlier, because I told myself that...
"no one out there will dedicate ALL thier time to me! I AM are the ONLY one who does this!
"I don't have a social life because I don't bother to contact people, so WHY THE FUCK would anyone bother to contact or focus on ME?
"I'm the only person who can count thier "close" friends on one hand, most people have a NETWORK."
"I'll never be anyone's focus."
"I'll never be anyone's focus."
"I'll never be anyone's focus."
"I'll never be anyone's focus."
"I. Will. Never. Be. Anyone's. Focus."
I KNOW, in the front of my mind, that MOST people have the ability to divide their attention in equal amounts, and some like my Ex, are supposedly even capable of equal amounts of love. But in the BACK of my mind, I never believe it, and eventually I push people away or I fade away, depending on my action or inaction. They think i don't care because i stop talking, when in fact i care so much but think the effort is so very futile that I make happen exactly what I wanted to avoid.
I'll never be anyone's Hyper focus, for sure, because I'm the only one that does that, right?
It's selfish and extremely egocentric of me to think I should be someone's ONLY focus, but can't I at least be their primary focus? no, that's selfish too, right?
It's usually a self fulfilling prophecy. Around this time when I get depressed, I give up trying to do anything but exist.
And that's a struggle in and of itself.
I'll play the same video game for months at a time, until i get bored with it, not playing anything in between. Thanks to the internet & Netflix, I'll watch the same show until "completion", or until i get bored with it, sometimes forgetting about it when moving to another activity, like back to a video game, or movie series, or something.
Maybe this is a normal condition, though if it is, I don't know anyone else who does it. Is it common enough to have it's own medical journal? Do other people only play or watch one single thing and nothing else, aside from dedicated World of Warcraft gamers or MMO players, or people that only play Call of Duty- those "bros" just have poor taste in video games.
---
This "Hyper Focus" also effects my friendships and romantic relationships, to a greater degree. I'll meet a friend, develop a relationship, and eventually have a new close friend, maybe more. Most of the time, we remain friends, and only friends, and that's what a lot of my friends are. I guess that's how most friendships start.
In the case of the "maybe more", I develop deep feelings for them, focus on only them, and hope that they feel the same. It has really only happened to me a few times in my life to the only people I've ever made initial contact with (not those that have sought ME out), I develop intense feelings for this person. I think only of them, I don't investigate other avenues or potential love interests while focused on my current "obsession".
Until I think they're not returning the affection, they seem to not be right for me or vice versa due to interests and personality, or I think that I am not THEIR focus... And that's the most detrimental thing about being this way.
Unless I think they're talking to me as much as I try to talk to them, I'll psyche myself out, convince myself I'm not important, because look at all these friends they (appear to) have and contact, and I'm just one of those.
-
I sobbed in the shower earlier, because I told myself that...
"no one out there will dedicate ALL thier time to me! I AM are the ONLY one who does this!
"I don't have a social life because I don't bother to contact people, so WHY THE FUCK would anyone bother to contact or focus on ME?
"I'm the only person who can count thier "close" friends on one hand, most people have a NETWORK."
"I'll never be anyone's focus."
"I'll never be anyone's focus."
"I'll never be anyone's focus."
"I'll never be anyone's focus."
"I. Will. Never. Be. Anyone's. Focus."
I KNOW, in the front of my mind, that MOST people have the ability to divide their attention in equal amounts, and some like my Ex, are supposedly even capable of equal amounts of love. But in the BACK of my mind, I never believe it, and eventually I push people away or I fade away, depending on my action or inaction. They think i don't care because i stop talking, when in fact i care so much but think the effort is so very futile that I make happen exactly what I wanted to avoid.
I'll never be anyone's Hyper focus, for sure, because I'm the only one that does that, right?
It's selfish and extremely egocentric of me to think I should be someone's ONLY focus, but can't I at least be their primary focus? no, that's selfish too, right?
It's usually a self fulfilling prophecy. Around this time when I get depressed, I give up trying to do anything but exist.
And that's a struggle in and of itself.
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I look back on our past friendship and think of the funny happy moments. So in ways your not forgotten.