ADHD, survival mode, brainfog, and you!
11 days ago
"Would you be upset if i told you we were dying...
ADHD, survival brain, and you!
Journaling some to wrangle some moods, issues, and frustrations I've been having. If you're wondering why I've just not been posting as much writing, here it is.
ADHD, mood issues, brain fog, and general depression just sucks. I'll like, lose a week to just straight depression, unable to game or anything.
Lately it's been a really bad lack of focus. Even for fun things, like gaming. So been digging a little into survival mode. It feels like a subtle 'anxiousness' to EVERYTHING. Wanna eat something: "You're eating wrong!" The voice chimes in.
Wanna game: "You're wasting your time!"
Wanna write: Brain just gets stuck on every sentence, uncertain of phrasing and insecure about each paragraph. Memory bits pop in and fall out.
I've always struggled with creative projects. Holy hell does ADHD give you ideas, but it's like, Cassandra's curse: Here's all these fun ideas, you will NEVER be able to follow up on any of them.
Another weird aspect of ADHD (and maybe autism) is interests wax and wane. For 6 months I'll write frantically, then it'll be like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall trying to phrase things.
For a month I'll obsessively play Roguetech, until suddenly it's like a switch is flipped and I stop playing. Or SOVL for a week, then poof done.
And work, well, work sucks. Beocming a supervisor has been like, zha worst. I have super bad insecurities and soft skills and negative charisma, and trying to order people feels like pulling teeth. Especially a bunch of egotistical types who blame everyone but themselves. So morale has just sucked.
Add to that a general feel of super overwhelmed because I have too many things to remember.
So one thing I want to do is start working on check lists. Just, check list ALL THE THINGS. Chores, daily habits, work tasks, study, I like, need to see it or it doesn't exist.
And some of this is just, as this ADHD fueled ramble shows, my brain just, works weirdly =( I joke that instead of a multicore processor, my brain just compensates by overclocking.
as an idea how this goes. I'll just overanalyze everything and jump four or 5 thoughts down before responding to something. Which can be... Confusing to all involved =D
Add in a dash of autism and just feeling alienated and not belonging anywhere, and things are just... Frustrating sometimes.
Trying to improve myself, but well, dieting in the apocalypse sucks. It feels a lot like, why bother, everything is probably going to collapse soon, go smoke that weed and have that cake while you can.
I have managed to get back to losing weight after a week or two of depression, and only gained a few pounds, so probably back to lowest weight again. which has been nice. Same with learning some basic SQL, which was cool. Trying to finish a coursera course to save some money, and start watching my budget closer. As money problems are really dragging me down =(
But enough rambling, just, trying to work myself to improve my work, life, health, and creativity, but been extremely burnt out since 2020 with no relief.
Journaling some to wrangle some moods, issues, and frustrations I've been having. If you're wondering why I've just not been posting as much writing, here it is.
ADHD, mood issues, brain fog, and general depression just sucks. I'll like, lose a week to just straight depression, unable to game or anything.
Lately it's been a really bad lack of focus. Even for fun things, like gaming. So been digging a little into survival mode. It feels like a subtle 'anxiousness' to EVERYTHING. Wanna eat something: "You're eating wrong!" The voice chimes in.
Wanna game: "You're wasting your time!"
Wanna write: Brain just gets stuck on every sentence, uncertain of phrasing and insecure about each paragraph. Memory bits pop in and fall out.
I've always struggled with creative projects. Holy hell does ADHD give you ideas, but it's like, Cassandra's curse: Here's all these fun ideas, you will NEVER be able to follow up on any of them.
Another weird aspect of ADHD (and maybe autism) is interests wax and wane. For 6 months I'll write frantically, then it'll be like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall trying to phrase things.
For a month I'll obsessively play Roguetech, until suddenly it's like a switch is flipped and I stop playing. Or SOVL for a week, then poof done.
And work, well, work sucks. Beocming a supervisor has been like, zha worst. I have super bad insecurities and soft skills and negative charisma, and trying to order people feels like pulling teeth. Especially a bunch of egotistical types who blame everyone but themselves. So morale has just sucked.
Add to that a general feel of super overwhelmed because I have too many things to remember.
So one thing I want to do is start working on check lists. Just, check list ALL THE THINGS. Chores, daily habits, work tasks, study, I like, need to see it or it doesn't exist.
And some of this is just, as this ADHD fueled ramble shows, my brain just, works weirdly =( I joke that instead of a multicore processor, my brain just compensates by overclocking.
as an idea how this goes. I'll just overanalyze everything and jump four or 5 thoughts down before responding to something. Which can be... Confusing to all involved =D
Add in a dash of autism and just feeling alienated and not belonging anywhere, and things are just... Frustrating sometimes.
Trying to improve myself, but well, dieting in the apocalypse sucks. It feels a lot like, why bother, everything is probably going to collapse soon, go smoke that weed and have that cake while you can.
I have managed to get back to losing weight after a week or two of depression, and only gained a few pounds, so probably back to lowest weight again. which has been nice. Same with learning some basic SQL, which was cool. Trying to finish a coursera course to save some money, and start watching my budget closer. As money problems are really dragging me down =(
But enough rambling, just, trying to work myself to improve my work, life, health, and creativity, but been extremely burnt out since 2020 with no relief.
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I don't know how to make the anxiety go away. My best cope is to see things like a puzzle. Put things where they go. And when you put it in the right place, it feels better.
It's not much, but maybe it'll help.