Nomz Bee

Meditative, moving and original

Reviewed: 18-11-2023

The characters were very vivid to me. I very much liked the way the story stayed with one point of view. It was meditative yet also moved forward with various occurrences. In this era of ‘grand designs’, ‘tiny houses’ I found it very easy to picture what the main character Zoe might be wrestling with. I am quietly hopeful that there’ll be a followup novel about Melanie because the author leaves us with more than a little intrigue about the turn her life has taken. I found the audio narration a little bit stilted sometimes, but I guess there are lots of different ways to interpret where to put emphasis in a sentence. Overall I found it very well paced to listen to. And Amanda Lohrey’s writing shines through, a gentle yet steady, honest and unsentimental eye. Rich themes of spirituality, psychology, boundaries between healing and healer, place, long term relationships and environment. And most importantly, a human story with characters that are very rich and I didn’t want to say goodbye to!

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Champions of truth

Reviewed: 11-12-2022

Such an important account of standing up against bullying, coercive control and the high price that’s been paid, the gains slowly made, and the injustices that remain.

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Took me a while to get into then loved it

Reviewed: 16-05-2022

Like all Anne Tyler books have been for me, it feels like spending a gentle long afternoon watching family dynamics and the quirks of life. I was very thrilled to find an Anne Tyler novel partly set in the pandemic! Somehow this gives me a sense of peace. If Anne Tyler can write a story from there, it’ll be alright somehow. I enjoyed noticing similarities and deepening and variations on some of the themes of Anne’s other novels: mothers finding a way to escape, families not seeing each other fully, the details and amusements of daily life, loss and connection. I have listened to all of Anne Tyler’s novels one or more times through these past two years of the pandemic. I look forward to listening to French Braid a second time. So glad Anne Tyler kept writing and publishing!

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1 person found this helpful

Mocking and blaming of women … even though it insists it isn’t

Reviewed: 30-04-2022

I found the tone of this book very irritating. Despite saying it wasn’t blaming women, it frequently labels them for being traumatised, having neurorsis, being perfectionist, not getting assertiveness right blah blah blah. I would like to see a summary of the practical strategies in this book so I can try them without all the extra anecdotes and critical language. It blames women for the anxieties that are foisted on them from birth and minimises the intense social pressures on women to be nice, say no nicely etc. I tried dipping into a few different chapters but felt it was just creating a new perfectionist if pressure - to get ‘no’ right. I would have liked to have returned it for a credit but couldn’t. I’d skip this book and look for a summary of the strategies so you can try them out. But basically, if there’s someone in your life who doesn’t like you saying no to them, finds ways to ask you to do things that are really hard to say no to and isn’t attuned to the fact that you keep saying yes to them out of guilt … that tells you a lot!

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5 people found this helpful

Writing a life story like this is an achievement

Reviewed: 29-03-2022

Kudos for the accomplishment as writing a book after being born into a high control group is complex and hard to do. I found as I listened that I was keen to hear even deeper honesty. When I heard about 80% into the book that the writer earns a living as an executive coach, I wondered if that was why the story felt to me to be a bit constrained around — presenting a certain image.

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1 person found this helpful

A rich intergenerational history

Reviewed: 08-03-2022

I absolutely loved this book. So human, so rich. It helped me connect with my own experiences and resonate with the joys and pains of being born into a family that believes it belongs to the only religion/group with ‘the truth’ or the keys to eternity. I wept and laughed. I think anyone who has grown up in religious groups like christadelphians, the exclusive brethren, JWs, Assemblies of god etc will be interested in this book and it may support your healing and hope. For example, the history that Rebecca Stott gave of the time when the brethren were established helped me understand why my own ancestors a few generations back might have made the choices they did. I found this book to be both an important and rare history of a very closed religious sect (Exclusive Brethren) as well as a more universal story about the human experience of fear, faith, mystery, family relationships, love, science etc. Just amazing. It is such a feat to write an autobiography like this. As Stott says early in the book, you can’t tell one part of the story without telling it all. It is like a tangled ball of wool, pulling on one part brings forward the other threads. Add to that the difficult emotional terrain of terror, regret and potential shame and it really is a ‘miracle’ of human accomplishment to have written and then published this account. So glad I listened to it. I will recommend it to anyone whose trying to make sense of what happens inside high control groups that exist right under our noses in our cities, schools etc. Also an important account for considering what else we can do as a society to protect, track and support children who are born into high control groups … and what we can better do to support people who are stuck in there as adults or trying to leave. Just amazing. I am filled with awe at our capacity to escape and deep respect for how we live with the lifelong wounds and seek to cultivate something different for ourselves and our children afterwards.

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I can see why this book is highly recommended

Reviewed: 19-02-2022

I heard the author interviewed on two different podcasts about escaping and preventing the ongoing harm done by ‘high demand’ groups. Ie: organisations (small or large) that fill up all of your available time. These might be religious, political, new age, gamers/social, businesses or groups within those. Big tip: you won’t be able to tell straight away, because high control organisations or individuals reach you through everyday activities which are friendly and helpful.

The fact that the author herself was trapped in one of these high control organisations for 9 years meant that I greatly trusted the academic lens that she also brings to this work.

Real examples, sobering facts and practical suggested solutions.

I found this book so insightful that I have also bought a hard copy so I can look at the diagrams and refer back.

I recommend this to anyone who has themselves left a high control group, or was born into one, including families where control is exercised through fear, guilt, reward and punishment, control of financial resources, close monitoring of time and activities etc.

I also recommend this book for anyone who thinks ‘this could never happen to me or my children’. Also recommend it to anyone who works in public health, politics, activism, policing, security, family violence prevention/recovery and teaching. To be informed is certainly to be forearmed!

Reading this book has helped me feel more compassionate towards myself and others, and curious to keep learning more.

Absolute gem of a book. I reckon it would be great for adult book groups and high school classes in civics or health.

Thank you Alexandra for turning your experience into an important shared learning.

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Recommended for anyone offering or seeking mental health support

Reviewed: 20-10-2021

Have read this book multiple times and very much enjoyed listening to it as well. I especially appreciate the pace with lots of time for reflection. A rare and refreshing experience, with a tone of humility and radical acceptance of all that comes with being human. May help you understand why you didn’t click with a particular therapist or client and how to increase the likelihood of deep healing and a growing sense of innate inner safety even in fear and uncertainty.

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Dismissive of male violence and child abuse

Reviewed: 02-09-2021

I listened to three chapters and kept thinking of Alice Miller’s The Body Never Lies or Drama of the Gifted Child - how some of us survive by joining with a parents’ cruelty. Beautiful that Kevin survived … and no need for anyone else to take his advice. I would have liked to just hear his story rather than be preached to with a lesson for everyone else.

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Enthralled

Reviewed: 02-08-2021

Really enjoyed the plot and the relationship between the two narrators. I found some of the writing a bit too clever, masculine and self loathing but overall found it really moving, amusing and thought provoking. I wanted to keep listening and find out what happened

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