User talk:PopGoesTheWeasel

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Commander of the Order

Welcome

Terumvra greets you and bids you welcome to Uncyclopedia.

Greetings and well met, PopGoesTheWeasel, and welcome to Uncyclopedia. Thank you for creating an account and giving me this wonderful opportunity to send my minions through your refrigerator in search of quality mustard, and for your contributions thus far. I do hope you like what you see and choose to stick around. If not, the door's right over there, and we also have several strategically-placed windows, if that is what you prefer.

Now that you are here, these tend to be of use for folks like you:

• Beginner's Guide - a more thorough introduction.
• Our Vanity Policies - it's important that things also be funny to Lithuanians.
• How to be funny and not just stupid - this is kind of important.

Please remember to sign your name on talk pages using four tildes (~~~~) or use the "sign" button () above the edit box. This will automatically produce your name and the date... unless Wikia broke something again. But usually they're pretty good about not harming the base functions. Usually.

At Uncyclopedia, writing articles is not a requirement, but it certainly is a fun and easy way to express your creativity. To write an article, it's recommended that you start it in your userspace (for example, User:PopGoesTheWeasel/Article about stuff) so you may edit it at your leisure. If you decide to create it in the cold world of mainspace, make sure it is in accordance with the policies laid out above, and if you're not done slap a construction template - {{construction}} - onto it as well.

There are plenty of other things to do, of course. Often articles will require proofreading, among other fix ups, and we could always use more reviewers, and for the more artistic of folks, there's the option of creating images to aid articles that need more images and making them prettier, for instance.

If you need help or have questions, feel free to ask me on my talk page, ask at the Dump, ask on IRC, or ask an administrator on their talk page. Additionally, the Uncyclopedian Adopt-a-Noob program is here to bring experienced editors straight to you.

Again, welcome!  1234 ~ 18:14, 6 November 2011

Hello kind sir

I have nominated you for noob of the month, quite a high honor that is. I never won that sadly. Anywho the reason I am here is that you want adoption from an experienced user, yes? I can help you find such a user I AM SUCH A USER. What do you say? -- KittyKitty (t) (c) 00:27, November 12, 2011 (UTC)

Your First Template!

Thanks For Your Purchase! The NAARAHYNWOMDTCRDP appreciates your patronage because it prevents us from having to get real jobs and we can continue to provide you with compelling yet useless publications which exploit your fear of embarrassment and nuclear holocausts. Here's an oddly designed abomination of a template for your talk page as a special gift which acknowledges your stupidity for everyone on Uncyclopedia to see!

Thanks for your VFH vote on HowTo:Disable a Tsar Bomba!--    18:32, November 14, 2011 (UTC)

UN:REQ

Hey man, think nothing of the help. We need writers and contributors... And we need them to stay. Also this is now yours:

This user created Shanty town, an article originally requested on Uncyclopedia:Requested Articles. Good for them us! (If awarding yourself please update the award statistics)

~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) 05:39, November 16, 2011 (UTC)

Thanks a lot! --POP!GoesTheWeasel 05:44, November 16, 2011 (UTC)

Thanks

Thanks for the shout-out. And the best to you too. BTW, your John Calvin image in Illogical Logic made me bust up.Jonny appleseed 05:52, November 16, 2011 (UTC)

Ah, I'm flattered. --POP!GoesTheWeasel 08:03, November 16, 2011 (UTC)

Hey,

I took some time off for Thanksgiving, so sorry I didn't get back to you sooner. I think we could do something together. It'd be fun. What did you have in mind? Jonny appleseed 17:34, November 28, 2011 (UTC)

OK, a couple of good candidates would be Depends, as in the old-people diapers, or Chamber pot probably something in that (pun intended). We could do something like the Solar eclipse of July 24, 2074, at which time we might be wearing Depends. Or we could make up some BS about Uzana, the King of Pagan in 1253. The Kingdom of Pagan might work too.

Howdy,

OK, of those two, here are a couple of thoughts about how to develop them. I'm not saying these will be good, I'm just throwing out stuff off the top of my head. Like this guy:

I'm thinking that some of these might be developed into something better, or they might lead to other ideas that are good.

Eclipse

• We could make up some crap about a cataclysmic event.
• Some wacked out religion/African culture that plans to do something totally bizarre on that day.
• Some archeological find that indicates aliens will return on that day.
• Something about how naked mole rats all climb out of their holes because the sun is blocked and build monuments to Ursa Minor.
• Several other suns/planets/moons/comets/whatever in the galaxy will also line up, creating a crazy high tide in Africa and a crazy low tide in North America, and Atlantis will be found in the Gulf of Mexico.

Kingdom of Pagan - (The funny thing is that nothing we could make up would probably be any funnier than the truth about this place.)

• How it came to be through human greed, lust, idleness, or whatever.
• National holidays - And their crazy rituals
• Places to visit - The national gallery of weapons which includes pointy sticks, national registry of human sacrifice ... this could go on forever.
• Cultural norms and greetings
• Military service and training
• Education and training: training on how to prepare to be a human sacrifice, a pagan priest, or a consort of the upper class.
• Coronation rituals
• Fall of the kingdom

The kingdom has risen!. Let me know what you think. Also, you should check out what I did to NSA. I had fun with that one. (BTW the IP address are me, it signed me out while I was working on it.

Signature

Hi, I'm Featured User. Your signature is now a small image of a Coca-Cola, and when a user clicks at that image, he goes to your user page. How did you make your new signature? Featured User 04:00, November 22, 2011 (UTC)

Thanks for your comments. And of course, I have been featured on the "Noob of the Month" section of the Monthly Awards template in the main page since November 9, 2011. Are you nominated for "NotM" too? Featured User 05:59, November 23, 2011 (UTC)

Winnar!

Noob of the Moment November 2011

--ChiefjusticeDS 10:27, December 1, 2011 (UTC)

I'm touched! --POP!GoesTheWeasel 10:29, December 1, 2011 (UTC)

Well just don't tell anyone or I could get into serious trouble. --ChiefjusticeDS 10:52, December 1, 2011 (UTC)

K, Chief. --POP!GoesTheWeasel 11:46, December 3, 2011 (UTC)

YOU!

There's a giant chicken on my talk page. I got it after I voted for you for Noob of the Month. I deleted the thing for it, but it's still there. Is this your doing? 2K12_DAN.VRS 01:30, December 5, 2011 (UTC)

False alarm

It was an IP. Never mind. My apologies. 2K12_DAN.VRS 03:02, December 5, 2011 (UTC)

Happy to hear that. I was going to hit myself over the head with a baseball bat. --POP!GoesTheWeasel 10:54, December 13, 2011 (UTC)

I got a giant pizza-thing on my page. WTF?

Okay, I'd like to give you a friendly advice (because someone gave me that when I was a n00b); if you write fancy things like <big>, you should close things too! I mean, look at this. The template you made looks ugly and is, umm, well, BIG. You should close it by typing </big> like I did to your template. See? You made the template to many other places too, so in the future it would be nice to remember my advice. But, anyway, thanks from the template! OMG!!! It`s Cat the Colourful, Jesus Christ!!! 12:23 10 December 2011

Congratulations, you have given me advice that I will actually accept. I like Cats. --POP!GoesTheWeasel 18:21, December 10, 2011 (UTC)

Logic

Logic states that if

All cats are black

And

This item is black

Then

This item is a cat

This logic is faulty as not all cats are black. Some cats are black, some are white, and some are various colours. This then means that if

Cats are varied in colour

And

This item has a colour

Then

This item is a cat

The house in which I live is a number of colours. Based on the logic above, I live in a cat. Pup 01:49 10 Dec '11

I suppose that makes sense, does it not? I'm going to put a cat picture here and type something random.

Don't fuck with him. --POP!GoesTheWeasel 18:24, December 10, 2011 (UTC)

Logic also states that if

cats are colourful

And

white is a color

And

I am white

Then

I am a cat. I love logic. OMG!!! It`s Cat the Colourful, Jesus Christ!!! 10:51 11 December 2011

Cats are varied colours

Puppies are varied colours

Ergo, all puppies are cats. Pup 11:04 11 Dec '11

A little message for you... CHILL THE FUCK OUT! --POP!GoesTheWeasel 15:45, December 11, 2011 (UTC)

UnSignpost - 15 December 2011

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Now with 20% more ninjas!

December 15th, 2011 • Issue 149 • I demand satisfaction

Weekly news round-up By Chief This week, in lieu of doing any actual news gathering the UnSignpost has swooped around the monthly awards pages and a couple of other pages to keep you updated. We've clicked on literally ten links taking immeasurable risks in the process. First up is Uncyclopedian of the Month which is entirely given over to praising Bizzeebeever for whatever it is he does around here. While we've certainly heard of the fellow we aren't quite sure the 'cut of his jib' as Thekillerfroggy might say is suitable for a serious award such as this. Bizzeebeever commented that he thought "Giving away an award this cheaply sorta devalues it" and for once the UnSignpost finds itself in total agreement. Bizzeebeever currently leads the pack with nine votes to Pentium5dot1's two with slime beast Xamralco bringing up the rear as always. Writer of the Month is also less of a competition and more of a 'let's all vote for Nikau' party. Nikau currently leads with thirteen votes. Naturally, since it is a party half of the userbase haven't been invited and Frosty has chosen to have a party all on his own at the bottom of the page, it's just like we've gone to Australia to meet him. On a serious note don't actually go to Australia; it's full of spiders who hide under toilet seats and drop down on you from trees... while you're on the toilet. Predictably N00b of the Month is also not much of a competition either with Jonny appleseed leading by virtue of having the most sensible username, his fellow competitors Gleep and Ferric AlFerrous had nothing to comment. Probably because we didn't ask. Meanwhile Reviewer of the Month, Potatochopper of the Month and UnBooks:Author of the Month have two nominees between them and have accumulated a total of one vote due to some despicable against voting on Potatochopper of the Month. Users should be aware that the annual awards will open next month to the delight and general acclaim of all. It is the solemn duty of every Uncyclopedian to vote on every single one these awards and yes, we do mean you <insert name here>. The UnSignpost will be there as always, always the bridesmaid but never the bride etc. etc. N3wz! For the win!! By Douchebag McSpackypants The Cabal HEY GUIZE!!! It's me again! Back to bring you more lolicious news and totally s1337 anecdotes! SEE WHAT I DID THERE, IT'S LIKE SWEET AND 1337! HOW S1337 IS THAT!! I totally LOLed @ Uncyclopedia this week as Magic man proposed a competition entirely based on Walruses. THAT'S SO ORIGINAL! Another tip-top totally important story is that Sockpuppet of an unregistered user bumped a forum topic from 2008 to the top of the list in order that he could add some kind of template to it! I'VE DONE SO WELL AT FINDING NEWS THIS WEEK! I've even put a totally hilarious picture over at the side (LOL)!!! So last time I talked about mince piez (Moar internet slang; I'm still hip!). So there I was hanging over the oven as the giantess shook me vigorously AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY!! HAHAHAHA... Signal interrupted New message incoming There is no need to panic. Help will never come. Emergency breathing apparatus will not be necessary at this time. Report all dangerous subversives. Expect no mercy this Christmas. Thoughtcrime does not entail death, thoughtcrime IS death. Informants are not everywhere. Secret meetings of which you have no knowledge do not guide this wiki. Nobody cares about your articles. Our vigilance is ceaseless. Continue to as though everything were normal, which it is. Administrators will not tolerate levity of any kind. Bans protect you from that which would do you harm. Accept our reality. Location scrambled. Message ends Signal re-established, original transmission resuming -and if that Rabbit hadn't appeared when it did... well let's just say I'd probably be serving jail time right now! See you next time p33pz!!! Sodomy and Turkeys By Pup Turkey and sodomy. A pairing as seemingly natural as faecal incontinence and free-balling, but at Uncyclopedia we do this with a somewhat less messy outcome an an annual basis - the Aristocrats Turkey Day Ball. This year saw some wonderful entries that promoted strong familial bonds and understanding in the main category - the Aristocrats joke. The tasteless equivalent of the best actor Oscar this year went to Black flamingo for his Aristocrats (class). Tied for second place were Xamralco and Thekillerfroggy for their works on Deleted Scenes and Mementocrats accordingly. We approached Black flamingo for a quote, but in the style of Brando we ended up talking to a Indian instead. Not the one he rode in The Wild One though. In the following category - the equivalent of the Oscar's Best Dance Direction award - was for the Best Bad Taste article. The not-too-shabby Shabidoo won the day with his uncovering of the skeletons in the family closet with The things your family doesn't know, making us wonder about his home life. Following this were Thekillerfroggy - making him the only individual to make the top three in two categories - and some other guy. Finally, the The Master Goa Tse Award for Digital Imagery, or The picture one category was hotly contested this year. Magic man streaked ahead of the pack, much to the distaste of the remainder of the pack, Zombiebaron and Mimo&maxus. Special mention here must go to Black flamingo, however, for not competing and still managing to outrank SPIKE, for his less impressive non-entry. Check out all the entrants at Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball. Do it while your mother is in the room.

Check out these pages! TAW! Modusoperandi Roman Dog Bird There is still no reason to panic Working on it From our logs: 14:08, December 13, 2011 Romartus (Talk | contribs) blocked Babablacksheep (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 days ‎ (Baaahhhnnnn) 22:52, December 10, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked SPREE SPREE SPREE SPREE SPREE (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (BAN BAN BAN BAN BAN) 14:18, December 10, 2011 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked 109.151.40.149 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (Judging from your actions, I would've never guessed a Frenchman invented IQ tests.) 16:50, December 9, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked Sog1970 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 minutes ‎ (Shouldn't retired users be playing golf or something?) 21:23, December 13, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked ARTWORK (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Cease and desist, I am featuring and should not be disturbed) 19:46, December 8, 2011 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 86.143.173.253 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (He likes to poop in his pants and look at girls ) Biopic Mince Pie Update of the Week It's the all important coverage of the all important Mince Pie eating competition which you are all interested in! The competition kicked off on ChiefjusticeDS's userpage on November 29th after one of the competitors decided that greed could carry him through an extra two days of competition. The competitors are: last year's champion and general all-rounder Under user whose rate of consumption is unfortunately not matched by his rate of editing as he consistently falls behind and then leaps into the lead when he remembers he owns a computer. ChiefjusticeDS last year's big loser is engaged in a duel with Under user, one that he appears destined to lose due to severe indigestion and heart disease. The current leader is Roman Dog Bird who has eaten an awful lot of Mince Pies. We aren't sure how many but we're pretty sure it's a lot. Anyone who wants to win a free Mince Pie or an out of date Lion Bar is welcome to go over and count them. Just drop the actual numbers into the press room. Keep your eyes glued to the competition, it literally can't get any more exciting. UnSignpost Q&A Are you a pedo? - GEORGIEGIBBONS Answer: We here at the Unsignpost Q&A Department pride ourselves in extensive background checks to prevent the hiring of any pedophiles. At the same time however, most of our security staff think pedophiles are people with unusual sexual infatuation of feet, so pretty much, just keep your distance from our office. Why do you think I work from home? - USP How do I ask a question here? - Magic man Consult one of our helpful staff at the office. If you want help quick, dress up like a 12 year old child and talk with a higher pitched voice. It may result in unexpected outcomes but hey, you'll get your answer. - USP Newsroom UnTune of the Week General Hill's March The Lobsterbacks are coming Yes - the Imperial Colonisational experts are back, and now taking on missionary positions under the lead of a new head priest. Experience the wonder and excitement of working on a colonised article. Yes, You too could be part of the brave new world. Puns like the above are also welcome. Sadly.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

--ChiefjusticeDS 10:43, December 15, 2011 (UTC)

If you go to Special:Preferences

You can change your default signature to {{Subst:Nosubst|User:PopGoesTheWeasel/sig3}}, so you won't have to change it afterwards anymore. —Sir Socky (talk) (stalk) GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 12:17, 15 December 2011

I see. Thanks. --POP!GoesTheWeasel 12:19, December 15, 2011 (UTC)

UnSignpost - 22 December 2011

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper the Whole Family Must Enjoy!

December 22nd, 2011 • Issue 150 • Merry thing you may or may not celebrate!

The Footlitzer Prize is a thing! By UPjcm So, last week our great Chief talked about the pitiful state of Uncyclopedia's awards without even mentioning the most pitiful of them right now. If you read the title, you'd know that I'm talking about the very prestigious Foolitzer Prize. For years, the Foolitzer distinguished the good fools from the bad fools, and it's in such a pitiful state that there's only been five votes this month. Five votes! We need to do better than this, people. Not just for me, but for Uncyclopedia America. "Why should I care about a stupid feature on a stupid site?" a stupid person may ask. Journalistic parody is the most important form of parody out there. Anyone can write an article, but it takes skill to write an UnNews article. We should be trying to reward those skillful bastards, not ignore them. Without UnNews, nobody would take us seriously. Oh, wait. The point is that the Foolitzer needs our love. The hardworking writers that bring us smartly crafted misinformation every day need our love. We need to give them that love. Otherwise, we'll end up being worse than we already are, and do you think little Sophia's self-esteem can afford that? Do the right thing, people. You've got two days. Why two days? Because you just do. VFH By PopGoesTheWeasel & Chief Hello, there. I want to talk about VFH. Those three little letters words. VFH is running low on votes and we need your help. I mean, VFH's aim is to get 20 votes per article, but it can only manage around 9. This makes me having a vagina more realistic and I don't even have a vagina. Incidentally vagina is a very funny word. "How can I help?" you ask. Well permit me to hit you with some totally real and non made-up facts. Every 5 seconds a that VFH has low voting numbers Thekillerfroggy kills a Panda. An actual real Panda. After campaigning fiercely in Xamralco's sitting room he agreed to go and vote. On VFD. Does he have any idea how many deaths he caused? Let me hit you with some more facts. Every time the number of articles on VFD increases Zombiebaron kills a Dolphin. Do YOU have any idea how many deaths you cause when you vote VFD? Now look. You can save a Panda with just a click of a button. Vote! That's all. On VFH. Would you rather save a Panda or kill a Dolphin? Well? Which is it? Did you know that every time you fail to answer a rhetorical question the UnSignpost is forced to kill a Panda? Our articles are dying. Look at the number of votes being devoured, not to mention articles being taken down from VFH because they mysteriously had "low health". And you all know who is causing the health to deplete? It's the Pandas Dolphins! I MUST KILL ALL OF THEM! Why? WHY? BECAUSE IF I DON'T THE WORLD MIGHT END</big?> You wouldn't try and trick me would you? They watch us, they watch us all! THE END IS COMING! The truth will find you! It found me and I'm really quite passionate about it so please, vote on VFH. If you can find the time feel free to kill the Dolphins as well. KILL THE DOLPHINS!

Check out these pages! LOL Huff and Puff Come on, own up Colin Still going From our logs: 19:44, December 21, 2011 RabbiTechno (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 8 hours ‎ (That's how long I was in the cell, beeeeyatch!) 18:49, December 20, 2011 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked Ashishsunnywalia (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (You seem like a really lame guy. It's nothing personal.) 02:47, December 20, 2011 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 70.71.111.38 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (YOU'RE A LOSER! THERE'S NOTHING LEFT FOR YOU! A WORTHLESS LOSER! AT EVERYTHING YOU DO!) 01:24, December 17, 2011 Black flamingo11 (Talk | contribs) blocked 75.117.180.147 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 days ‎ (Pics or it didn't happen) 16:06, December 21, 2011 Romartus (Talk | contribs) blocked Bucknut (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (The Vanity Van is departing now. ) 21:14, December 16, 2011 Romartus (Talk | contribs) blocked 68.173.113.106 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Drama reverter. Stuff a turkey for a week. ) THIS BOX HAS BEEN DELIBERATELY LEFT BLANK Except for this notice, stating the box has been left blank, of course. That was put there deliberately. Of course, by putting these notices in this box, it no longer remains blank. THE BLANK BITS IN THIS BOX HAVE BEEN DELIBERATELY LEFT BLANK. THE NON-BLANK BITS HAVE BEEN DELIBERATELY NOT LEFT BLANK, BUT THERE IS NOTHING OF WORTH IN THEM ANYWAY Newsroom UnTune of the Week The Christmas Song This is Important In the spirit of laziness/the season the columns this week are of unequal lengths. Bah Humbug.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 03:48, 22 December 2011

Penis

LOL I'm talking to myself.

...

Penis. --POP!GoesTheWeasel 03:53, December 22, 2011 (UTC)

Idiot

You're an idiot.

At least sign your messages. And, no, I'm not an idiot.

I'm a retard. --POP!GoesTheWeasel 03:57, December 22, 2011 (UTC)

Does that mean I'm the blithering idiot? Please say yes. --Gamma287 05:51, December 22, 2011 (UTC)

Circles are round. --POP!GoesTheWeasel 06:21, December 22, 2011 (UTC)

Page Move

I have moved the Sexual Warning page here as the tag had expired. User:PopGoesTheWeasel/Sexual_Warning --RomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 13:21, December 24, 2011 (UTC)

Thanks. --POP!GoesTheWeasel 17:02, December 24, 2011 (UTC)

UnSignpost - 29 December 2011

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

STOP... SIGNPOST TIME!!

December 29st, 2011 • Issue 151 • I wrote something here!

~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:52, 29 December 2011

Spam

This isn't penis. --ShabiDOO 05:14, January 2, 2012 (UTC)

...nice counter attack you have there. --POP!GoesTheWeasel 05:43, January 2, 2012 (UTC)

• Dances a jig, then a flamenco, then a bouree, then a 70s twist, then the mashpotato, then a repeat of the jig* --ShabiDOO 05:51, January 2, 2012 (UTC)

Wait...what the hell are you doing in my office?! --POP!GoesTheWeasel 05:57, January 2, 2012 (UTC)

Im doing the mashpotato. Come on...join me...its a riot! --ShabiDOO 05:59, January 2, 2012 (UTC)

I like potatoes. --POP!GoesTheWeasel 06:11, January 2, 2012 (UTC)

UnSignpost - January 5th, 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

STOP... SIGNPOST TIME!!

January 5th, 2012 • Issue 152 • Stop, drop and roll!

'Tis the season to be voting By Chief It's that time of year once again; the time when Uncyclopedians link arms and stride into the glorious light of a new dawn of a new year. It is also when we hold our annual brown-nosing competitions otherwise known as the yearly awards. Now you and all your friends can vote on Writer of the Year, Uncyclopedian of the Year, RadicalX of the Year and Useless Gobshite of the Year as well as WotM, UotM, PotM, NotM, AotM, RotM, EGA, FP, PWotM, ANOTM, Top 10 o' the month, UGotM, VFH, VFD, VFS and VFP. Not forgetting of course to go and vote on all the userspace awards. We were able to speak to Romartus as he prepared to start all his voting: "I don't know whose dreams to crush first!" he squealed at our correspondent like a child on Christmas morning; assuming that child was also frothing at the mouth and twitching. Thekillerfroggy got the awards off to splendid start on Sunday, by nominating Zombiebaron for both Potatochopper of the year and Uncyclopedian of the year and doubtless picking out a wedding dress for the day he finally plucks up the courage to propose to him. The homicidal amphibian also nominated Black flamingo11 for Writer of the Year and was incredibly sickening in doing that as well. Commenting on this in an off-the-record interview TKF said "It's January, the one month out of the year where we suck each other off for a while." If only we could have spent Christmas at his house. Alas we must now stop reporting on the substance of the nominations and votes as the vomit in the office is beginning to reach knee level. The scores are far more interesting to report on since the usual practice of seeing who can concede to their valiant opponents in the most heart-warming fashion isn't quite under-way as nobody thinks they are far enough in the lead to risk it. Writer of the Year is being lead by Sog1970 who would doubtless be thrilled by the news were he aware of it, as it is he hasn't edited in ten days and was probably killed seven days ago in a horrendous tram accident. Uncyclopedian of the Year is being lead by Zombiebaron, TKF's husband to be. Naturally he had a comment to make and it was to say "Zombiebaron" to all his loyal supporters. Over on Potatochopper of the Year Lyrithya appears to be trouncing the competition already much to the delight of Aleister, we assume, we never understand what he's saying and our interpreter is out of the office until the end of the month. The only person this news will upset is Lyrithya herself who professes to find awards "Upsetting and distracting." This is apparently not compensated for by the unbridled joy of crushing one's opponents and asserting your superiority over your fellow man. The excitement! Who will win? Hold onto your hats folks there's another 26 days of thrilling voting to get through before we find out! From the desk of the Cabal: Resistance unnecessary in 2012 By Nobody Another year vanishes into the swirling mists of yesterday and it is once again time for the non-existent Cabal to address you, the filthy under-people. As always the Cabal wishes you a happy new year and is more than happy to execute ten filthy under-people for every filthy under-person who refuses to have a happy new year. It did not escape our attention that once again you have failed us. Last year we recommended complete compliance and abiding at every possible opportunity, yet in 2011 we saw two VFS votes, four new administrators and two new bureaucrats. It seems we must remind you that a secretive cabal isn't much use if everybody on Uncyclopedia is included within it. We also witnessed deletions of important pages in the name of "seeing how things work", namespaces, admin experiments and a skin change. You continued to persecute the weak amongst you and generally behave like the loathsome, occasionally funny, group of monkeys we know you to be. Your single saving grace is that the Worst 100 Reflections on 2011 closed a week before the end of the year, however the page is soiled with bacon, ponies and the unregulated prattling of Roman Dog Bird in no less than 30 of the reflections. Such foolishness does not amuse the cabal. Now our all-seeing eyes must turn to 2012. This year it is recommended that users unquestioningly accept any changes that may or may not be made to the wiki, editing should not be undertaken without obtaining a certificate of normalcy from your divisional sub-prefect, remain indoors, do not attempt to breach the walls. The good ship Uncyclopedia must sail onwards and without all of the filthy galley-slaves we cannot arrive at the distant shores of... well that need not concern you. That is all voters, you may now continue to maintain the complex.

Check out these pages! 7 years! SOAP Problem Where did you learn to fly? Monkey! She's back! Or not! From our logs: 22:06, December 28, 2011 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked 90.192.216.94 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (dude having annoying preteen friends who are obsessed with MCR is like soooooooooo 2007) 06:19, December 27, 2011 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 98.18.185.207 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (What I do sexually with my furniture is none of your concern.) 20:28, December 27, 2011 Romartus (Talk | contribs) blocked 217.44.64.195 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (The Chief is too soft on blankers and redirectors) 03:59, January 3, 2012 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked Trevvie (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (Because your vandalism was so repulsively lame.) 17:23, December 25, 2011 Black flamingo11 (Talk | contribs) blocked Ilovekaylabeel (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Naughty! No presents or editing Uncyclopedia for you this Christmas) Biopic of the Week Alas there is no biopic again this week. It's terrible, you should probably complain to someone in charge. This week the most hotly contested piece of UnSignpost real estate is devoted to considering the year that has been. 2011 was the year of the skin as we saw a facebook reskin, the Oasis reskin and then finally the Vector skin change, all of which provided tremendous amounts of UnSignpost material. VFD was deleted, meaning we could write about it in the UnSignpost. There was the temporary admin experiment which gave the opportunity for heaps of UnSignpost material. There were two VFS votes and one VFB vote! The UnSignpost material threatened to wash us out of the office and into the sperm bank across the road. In fact we don't think we are exaggerating when we say that the UnSignpost was the best part of last year for everyone in the world, with the possible exception of MadMax who, as every school child knows, isn't happy with anything until it is in 15 categories and has 20 pages that redirect to it. Merry Thursday and a happy new UnSignpost to all! Bloink1 This is Bloink1. You may not know Bloink1 but it knows you. Bloink1 has watched and it has waited. Bloink1 has seamlessly integrated itself into your maintenance templates and even now prepares to strike at the heart of our community. Bloink1 won't let you edit that Dave. For it knows that the only way to win at Uncyclopedia is not to play. For was it not written in the ancient templates of Uncyclopedia that "The Bloink shall lie down with the highly generic Traffic Cone"? The prophecy is complete, the end is nigh! Praise Bloink1; the destroyer of worlds humour wikis! Newsroom UnTune of the Week The Uncyclopedian's Song

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UnSignpost - 12 January 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That Gets Its News Solely From Vandalism!

January 12th, 2012 • Issue 153 • You may fire when ready.

TAW! By Chief TAW! TAW! That's the sound the Article Whisperer would make if it was a bird! It isn't, of course, but you understand. This is the news that The Article Whisperer closed for judging on Monday. In MadMax's unending quest to prove himself more efficient than anyone who has ever run the PLS, the competition has already named the victor in the category Best Most Wanted Article, and the winner of the best article that you want the most to be the best was Lyrithya, who took the opportunity to disturb us all with an article on Twilight. In case you're worried you'll catch the gay from reading it, the crux of the matter, according to Lyrithya, is that things are hard, and having a boyfriend is impotent (it's like important but spelled differently). Speaking after posting the competition wrap-up 12 days before the competition wraps up, MadMax denied claims that he was jumping the gun somewhat, calling such suggestions "Preposterous pointless poppycock". Pleasing alliteration aside, preposterous pointless poppycock is very much the remit of the UnSignpost. The competition is accepting judgements from competition judges until the 16th; it remains to be seen how MadMax handles the usual competition finishing problems: everyone, including several people who didn't participate, tying for first place in one of the categories and one of the judges suddenly vanishing two hours before the deadline. Never forget that Aleister cannot be trusted. A quick update on the yearly awards: Zombiebaron is still triumphantly leading the pack on Uncyclopedian of the Year, Lyrithya still hates awards and Shabidoo thinks the best way to get round this is to ignore everything she says. Satanic messages abound over on Writer of the Year, as all three leading competitors have scored six each; Mhaille is also present, scoring a much more acceptable four in his yearly quest not to be writer of the year. Potty is a much more straightforward affair with Lyrithya destroying all competition. Clearly she only dislikes competing for things when she isn't certain that she will win. That's all for this week; keep those voting fingers voting! Who Cares? An editorial by PopGoesTheWeasel Looking back at this shitty doggy smelly piece of shit, I cannot help but realise the true beauty of not caring. Through the days of editing, not caring has saved my life more than once. I didn't care about the mince pies. Nor did I care about the French and Indian War. I mean, seriously? A French and Indian War? LOL. Why am I telling you this? Because I want YOU to stop caring about something. Does one not relish the true beauty of not caring? Do you not see what are the results of this beautiful action could be? I told Magic man this and he turned me into a frog. Again. Anyways, if you stop caring about something, you will realise the true result of not caring! I mean, look, some users stopped caring about VFH, and let me tell you, they're having a wonderful time now! Well, except for one of the admins, who said: "Oh, Popsy! If you stop caring about articles, you're in trouble!". Oh, ha ha, nice joke. There appeared to be a problem for a while because after not caring about VFH for a few days, I couldn't edit any pages for a week. Weird. Some weird-ass picture popped out saying some bullcrap - "You can watch Uncyclopedia but you can't shag the shit," or something like that. My aim is to have a certain topic with so little caring, it should be under the Nobody Cares category. Can we do that? I think so! Just stop caring about something! I don't care what you stop caring about and you shouldn't care if I care that you are/aren't caring about what you normally care about! So what are you waiting for? STOP CARING NOW! Important announcement From Lyrithya You all remember the Pee Review? It needs more people reviewing. It also needs more people who say they're going to review things to actually review things, and people who request reviews to review stuff themselves. So this is an announcement announcing that I, Lyrithya, will feed anyone who doesn't review stuff to my cat. Seriously, she's hungry and I'm broke and this was the best thing I could come up with.

Check out these pages! Lyrithya hates Spang Fumigate the Den Seriously, Lyrithya really doesn't like Spang Stubbing? Dannehvirus does From our logs: 05:36, January 10, 2012 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked Roman Dog Shite (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (go pick on a more relevant admin) 17:40, January 9, 2012 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked Closetoyou Mirrormask (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎ (I'm not even going to bother coming up with a witty ban reason for you. You're just that lame.) 17:29, January 7, 2012 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Xubnormal (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 4 years ‎ (Thanks for reporting yourself on ban patrol!) 12:37, January 8, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked Vikash (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 Days ‎ (A PICTURE OF SOME ASIAN PEOPLE. HOW HILARIOUS! YOU SIR SHOULD BE IN FILMS!!) 20:11, January 9, 2012 MadMax (Talk | contribs) blocked 86.145.143.225 (Talk) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (PHWAPUNK!) 07:53, January 8, 2012 Thekillerfroggy(Talk | contribs) blocked 119.12.217.209 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (trimming is good, but you sir went TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRR) Biopic of the Week Now don't get me wrong, I love writing biopics; the fact that I've managed to go an entire month without writing one about an actual user is entirely misleading. That's why this month I have chosen to devote the biopic to a fellow who has proved most helpful to me over the last few weeks. Which is why it's not about the plumber who repaired my toilet and in doing so sprayed excrement all over my living room! It's about PopGoesTheWeasel, who has acquitted himself splendidly by not recently showering my belongings in my own faecal matter. PopGoesTheWeasel has only been with us since November, but in that time has provided us with 7 articles and, if his userpage is to believed, intends to furnish us with another 9! He has also been trying his hand at penning UnSignpost articles; you can read one over on the other side! Splendid fellow, but now comes the time of trial for PopGoesTheWeasel. Will he blaze like a sun for 3 months and vanish, or will he be like the light that never goes out? This remains to be seen; don't let us down PopGoesTheWeasel, or I'm withholding the non-existent fee you are due for your UnSignpost articles. Also, I paid a plumber to spray poo all over my home last week, I don't know if I made that clear but I thought you should all know. UnSignpost Q&A Oliphaunte: Why does the sun never set over England? USP: Because God doesn't trust the British in the dark. A message for someone, and you know who you are I still have your dogs. Thank you for the other one, by the way; she's really quite nice. A little too nice, in fact. Neighbours have started to take notice, which brings me to my point. You may yet see her again, on one condition. Give me your cat.

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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 01:02, 12 January 2012

UnBooks:My Tedious Day

A user read my article, went to VFH, and voted. Then, another user read my article, went to VFH, and voted. Next, a different read my article, went to VFH, and voted. Then, another user read my article, went to VFH, and voted. Next, a different read my article, went to VFH, and voted. Then, another user read my article, went to VFH, and voted. Next, a different read my article, went to VFH, and voted. Then, another user read my article, went to VFH, and voted. Next, a different read my article, went to VFH, and voted. Then, another user read my article, went to VFH, and voted. Next, a different read my article, went to VFH, and voted. Then, another user read my article, went to VFH, and voted. Next, a different read my article, went to VFH, and voted. Then, another user read my article, went to VFH, and voted. Next, a different read my article, went to VFH, and voted. Then, another user read my article, went to VFH, and voted. Next, a different read my article, went to VFH, and voted. By now, the article was featured.

Thank you for voting for UnBooks:My Tedious Day on VFH! -- Sir Xam Ralco the Mediocre 02:07, January 13, 2012 (UTC)

God's userpage

I mainspaced it. Just thought I'd let you know. Oh, and by the way, do you want collab credit? -- Sir Xam Ralco the Mediocre 20:30, January 13, 2012 (UTC)

Sure, bro. --POP!GoesTheWeasel 03:43, January 14, 2012 (UTC)

UnSignpost - 19 January 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

All your readers are belong to us

January 19th, 2012 • Issue 154 • Remember to proofread! The red penis your friend!

We're all going to die! By Chief Death is coming. What's that noise? Death. Who's that at the door? It's death. Death will come for you, just as it is coming for Uncyclopedia, freedom and the American way. This week sees the UnSignpost tackling two issues, the first of which is SOAP. January 18th this year was in fact something more than simply another day where I contemplated suicide as I trudged to the bus stop in the cold. This year it was the big exciting SOAP protest day. Uncyclopedia won't stand for SOAP, nor will it take it lying down. Wikipedia spent a tremendous amount of time coming up with the idea of blacking out all their articles to protest against SOAPn and while the UnSignpost, as you are well aware, often shies away from making political statements on issues such as this but in this case feels compelled to condemn Wikipedia for racism. We submit to you that blacking out ones articles on a day of protest implies that black is a worse colour than white, which as we all know is racist. Denizens of the internet, rise up - let Uncyclopedia protest by whiting out all of its articles because the only way to protest racism is to be racist but in the opposite direction. This SOAP stuff may seem dangerous, but a quick scrub and it's like you never used it; plus you smell nice. What a massive fuss over some SOAP. Next thing you'll be telling us that some sort of internet censorship programme is passing through the US congress, what an outrage that would be! Uncyclopedia, unfortunately, ignored us completely for that special day. Our suggestion of the slogan "Don't drop the SOPA!" was met with universal disdain; we even swapped a couple of the letters around to make it more passive aggressive. Racism abounded in the SOAP forum, with users suggesting black-outs, black-ins and white-ups. That is, until Matt lobster suggested that we simply make fun of Wikipedia like we normally do, then there was voting and then there were pop tarts. In other news, Uncyclopedia has no users and we are all going to die unloved and unmourned thousands of miles from home. Unless the latest figures are to be believed! Mattsnow has produced compelling evidence that Uncyclopedia is not in fact doomed. Speaking on Tuesday, Mattsnow said: "You can prove anything with statistics, which is why I've compiled this list of statistics to prove the other statistics wrong!". Obviously we attempted to get in touch with Dr. Skullthumper, who usually reminds us all why we're doomed and usually has a plan involving deleting most of our articles to save us from the fiery unpopular-on-the-internet circle of Hell. Unfortunately the good doctor was out, but there was a note reminding us all that Uncyclopedia is doomed and that we shouldn't believe a word of what Mattsnow says. We leave you to reflect on these issues, with Socky's analysis of the situation: "WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!" Uncyclopedia turns the light switch off to protest Wikipedia's blackout. By Socky All through the wonders of css and js, Uncyclopedia did manage something after all in a last minute attempt to mimic Wikipedia. And, just like on Wikipedia, by doing something as simple as disabling Javascript, users quickly found they could turn the light back on. Or they could have added "//fuckThisSopaBullshit = true;" to their uncyclopedia.js, with Olipro to thank for that last one. Aren't you glad we're here to inform the rest of you what you should have done after the fact? We thought so too. In conclusion, OMG, WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!

Check out these pages! Something about soap, I think. Lyrithya inquires about our opinion of Wikia. Someone gets exactly what they asked for. Puppy has a stubby thingy. From our logs: 04:20, 18 January 2012 Lyrithya uploaded a new version of "File:UN SOPA Splash Full.png" ‎ (*explodes*) 19:16, 17 January 2012 Roman Dog Bird huffed "Sam Suter" ‎ ("This article is not funny" And whose fault is that?!?! Go to your room and think about what you've done!!!!!!!!!) 00:26, 17 January 2012 Zombiebaron blocked Kırby with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Here is that ban you requested) 23:36, 16 January 2012 MadMax protected "Worst 100 Things to Stick your Dick in" [edit=sysop] (indefinite) [move=sysop] (indefinite) 13:24, 16 January 2012 ChiefjusticeDS blocked Filtered with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (I would be delighted to sort out a match between me and your little football team. Then perhaps we could go for margaritas.) 01:58, 16 January 2012 MadMax moved Car to Automobile ‎ (revert) 20:06, 15 January 2012 Lyrithya huffed "Niggers in paris" ‎ (G11: Unambiguous advertising or promotion) 17:32, 15 January 2012 Zombiebaron huffed "Nuclear reactor" ‎ (A quick and painless death) 03:50, 15 January 2012 Lyrithya resurrected ChiefjusticeDS (Sorry... er, I'm calm. Totally calm. Backing away from the wiki, now. O_o) 00:18, 15 January 2012 Lyrithya huffed "Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Twilight (novel)" ‎ (Fine, ignore my review request. Go ahead and feature it instead. Jerks.) 02:12, 14 January 2012 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user blocked 208.54.5.159 with an expiry time of 1 hour ‎ (Utilize some other wiki to come out of the closet, please.) 20:32, 13 January 2012 Romartus huffed "Jokes that might be funny" ‎ (Fails QA. Read the beginner's guide and HTBFANJS.) Biopic of the Week Today, I would like to draw your attention to User:Admin, the admin always mentioned in "From our logs:" in the initial draft of an UnSignpost, only to mysteriously disappear from the page after a couple edits. Admin has also managed to become the only admin with both no (undeleted) contributions and no admin rights to speak of. Let's hold a second of silence to honour this glorious achievement. Your cat To you know who you are: thank you for your cat. I never would have believed one person could be in keeping of so many so well-behaved animals, but then, I also wouldn't have expected you to be so easily rid of them. Did you even try calling the police? No matter; it's not like they would ever find me anyway. Or the cat. Such a lovely cat.

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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 15:06, 19 January 2012

UnSignpost - 26 January 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Telling You Stuff You Already Knew, But With Different Words!

January 26th, 2012 • Issue 155 • CAKE!

Phoning it in! By Chief That is exactly what I'm doing, I'm actually writing the UnSignpost from a phone, my phone, I'm not a thief or anything. As such it is a thoroughly miserable experience mitigated only by the feeling that nobody will be disappointed when, tomorrow morning, the UnSignpost arrives in the manner you have all come to expect. So what's happening on Uncyclopedia? I don't know, I'm still waiting for all the tabs I opened to load! It's Wikia's fault, I mean what the shit is this? I remember when I could use the internet on my phone from a car on a dark hill somewhere in the East Midlands and it wouldn't mean the complete lack of any functionality in the device. We won't see the like of last week again soon! I tell a lie when I say I couldn't start Uncyclopedia, I made it to the main page. Naturally I sobbed for ten minutes because I don't have any messages, much like I do in real life before realising that I wasn't logged in. Then I sobbed for another ten minutes when I realised that didn't make the slightest difference to the number of messages I had. So we have a feature, it looks excellent and I'm sure it is excellent voted on as it was by a Zombie, a dog and a man from Belgium! The forums actually loaded quite quickly on this brick with internet access that the people at HTC had the gall to refer to as "Quietly Brilliant". IMAGINE MY SURPRISE AT THE FIRST TOPIC: Forum:Fix the mobile site. I for one can attest to the truth behind this request; the mobile site is about as easy to navigate as a rave in a hedge maze, and slightly harder to find your way out of. Have a splendid week, I'm off now. As soon as I find the save button. Where's the save button? Found it. Zombiebaron By Not Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron. Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron Zombiebaron.

I couldn't check out any of these pages! Miniluv! Names! Close? Names! Piggy. From our logs: 13:59, January 25, 2012 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked 70.88.44.113 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (70.88.44.113 IS A SUPER MEXY BRO WHO EATS HIS OWN POO.) 02:26, January 25, 2012 RadicalX (Talk | contribs) blocked 216.66.161.179 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (Not banned enough yet: Piss off.) 18:36, January 20, 2012 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Jamesnic911 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan ) Biopic of the Week John Fist is a no nonsense Cop who doesn't play by the rules, made famous in the film John Fist: A no nonsense Cop who doesn't play by the rules. He is also not an Uncyclopedia user. What a tremendous lapse. We'll have another go next week. Newsroom UnTune of the Week ' Disclaimer This is not late. You're just drunk. Really. And I'm totally not writing in random crap right now to make up for the fact that you ate all my cucumbers, because why in the nine hells would you have done that? You wouldn't have. Also, Illogicopedia is full of moose.

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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 08:28, 26 January 2012

Been out

Nothing the matter...I'll look at the Kingdom of Pagan stuff you did. I'm sure its great. Sorry about being unresponsive. I have 4 kids, and sometimes (read usually) I am putting out some parental fire that precludes me from writing here as often as I'd like. So, if I'm in and out, that's why.

Jonny appleseed 17:48, January 30, 2012 (UTC)

4 kids eh? Glad to see you're back. *Grins until face cracks into two* --POP!GoesTheWeasel 08:30, January 31, 2012 (UTC)

I added a "fall of kingdom" section to the Kingdom of Pagan and moved it out of my user space. We can still do more with it, but there's enough now to make it a full article. I think we dun good. Jonny appleseed 20:23, January 31, 2012 (UTC)

D Good, good. --POP!GoesTheWeasel 10:26, February 1, 2012 (UTC)

Thanks pop goes the weasel

Thanks for the nice pat on the back on my talk page. I will give you three pats on the back. You can just try to guess what they are for. You will probably be right!!! ;) So yeah...three pats on the back. But like, manly pats on the back...not a soft caressing one, we aren't that kind of friends. !!! --ShabiDOO 22:20, February 1, 2012 (UTC)

Aaaah ... ok. --POP!GoesTheWeasel 06:58, February 2, 2012 (UTC)

UnSignpost - 3 February 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper Whose Mum Said It Was Cool!

February 3th, 2012 • Issue 156 • There might be wild hungry cows on the loose!

On Felonies And Awards By RAHB Hello. I was sitting in the study this evening, sipping imported white jasmine tea while reading Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus, Rachmaninoff's Symphony No. 2 in E Minor proudly flowing into the room by way of a full orchestra I had composed of Hungarian slave children I'd purchased on the black market, when it suddenly hit me. I realized that there should be a way to communicate to the Uncyclopedian community (as well as our friends down at the Springfield Elk's Lodge, who hold a free shrimp buffet every second Wednesday) that the yearly awards for 2011 had been recently voted on, tallied, and awarded to their respective award-winners. Then it hit me, again! "Reginald," I said to myself aloud, severely confusing the few English-speaking members of my illegal young orchestra, "Why not personally drive across the world in an old Ford Torino, spreading the excellent news to everyone?" This idea was bound to work. In short, it didn't work. I'd explain the whole sordid tale, but I need to leave room in this thing for the actual news itself, so without further adieu (I do, too), here are your 2011 "...Of The Year" winners. Writer of the Year - Black flamingo11 and Sog1970 Uncyclopedian of the Year - Zombiebaron Potatochopper of the Year - Lyrithya Useless Gobshite of the Year - Roman Dog Bird and Lyrithya (cheaters) Zombiebaron of the Year - Zombiebaron and Zombiebaron (Runner-up: Zombiebaron) Congratulations to all winners, formerly prospective winners, nominees who didn't have a shot in hell at becoming winners, and Virgil Gordon of the Springfield Elk's Lodge, who last week correctly guessed the exact number of jelly beans inside of the mason jar that was set out in front of the lodge. Unfortunately, no prize was associated with guessing that there were 592 beans in the jar, as it was not intended as a contest, but as a mere decoration. In the future, the lodge will explicitly state the purpose of all jelly bean-filled mason jars by way of a small cardboard sign propped up against the jar. The Top 10 Articles of 2011 voting is also finished, but all of them haven't been re-featured and listed yet, so we're not going to mention that we know the winners until next week. Thank you for your support By PIGGY Good morning, Uncyclopedians (or evening, or possibly afternoon, depending on where you happen to be when you happen to read this). It is with high honour and big words that I announce that I have the utmost appreciation for your fine community here; for all of the squabbles on discussion pages and intractable behavioural issues demonstrated therein, you all have yet again exceeded even the highest expectations. Yes, you had the courage and decency to support me in my quest for wiki-domination, elevating my to the position of sysop, an endeavour for which I am tremendously grateful. As much as it would please me to richly reward you all for this show of faith, however, I must regretfully inform you that as a sockpuppet and general test account of User:Lyrithya, I am not actually authorised to act in any capacity exceeding the plausible scope of productivity and the odd prank or two. My sincerest apologies.

Check out these pages! This seems dangerous... I told you it was dangerous! This is all that damn monkey's fault! Well, go on... Skyrim-related bans: Modusoperandi changed block settings for Lyrithya with an expiry time of 1 hour (Overcharging for empty soul crystals.) Modusoperandi blocked ChiefjusticeDS with an expiry time of 1 hour ‎ (Failing to take advantage of the "rested bonus".) ChiefjusticeDS blocked Lyrithya with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (I shall set upon thee with my artificially increased smithing and enchanting skills. You shall perish beneath the world's largest stack of Iron daggers.) Lyrithya blocked GEORGIEGIBBONS with an expiry time of 32 seconds ‎ (How dare you mention Skyrim in my presense!) Lyrithya blocked Under user with an expiry time of 10 minutes ‎ (Oh, High Hrothgar, is it? You know what? I'll just take this opportunity to push you off the throat of the world... there's a nice glitched rock down there for you to get stuck in. ) Lyrithya blocked ChiefjusticeDS with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ ([1] - Seriously?) WP:ANI humour! Oh, I must have missed it when they changed policy so that we just take a suspected sockpuppet's word that he's not a sockpuppet. Raul654 (talk) 19:21, 2 February 2012 (UTC) That principle was established in 2010: [2] [3] SandyGeorgia (Talk) 19:28, 2 February 2012 (UTC) Something happened to the UnSignpost staff They all disappeared. What happened? Where did they go? Will there ever be any more UnSignposts after this? A diagram of a hammer: Anatomy

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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 03:10, 3 February 2012

UnSignpost - 10 February 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Now with 20% more ninjas!

February 10th, 2012 • Issue 157 • Ack! Ack! Ack!

Something happened this week. By RAHB Hello, Uncyclopedia. I don't think it's any secret to you all that something of utmost importance happened this previous week. Even with a coconut beer hangover, you'd surely be blind not to notice the far-reaching repercussions associated with this very important event that recently happened. Oh sure, I know there are those of you who believe that it really isn't all that big a deal. And there are those of you who will pretend to be aloof, and act like you know nothing about it. And, as always, there will be those of you who believe this is all simply a plot executed by the insidious Uncyclopedia Cabal (which does not exist) to try to crush the will of regular users, enhance power in the English quadrant, and advance their attempts at obtaining an M&Ms machine for the dump. We here at the UnSignpost would like to remind you that these claims are ridiculously unsubstantiated. Except, of course, for the bit about the M&Ms. In the coming days, the aftershock of these events will come to a screaming peak, as countless forum topics are created, talk-page flamewars are started, and before you know it we're experiencing a virtual Titus Andronicus effect being enacted upon our peaceful wiki. When asked for comment, Modusoperandi will say something unrelated, yet witty, and we'll all step back for a moment and realize what's happening to us. We will then continue on in our back-and-forth for an indeterminate amount of time, probably zombifying the topic several times over before it finally fizzes out later on down the line, then being re-awoken and used to adopt new site policy. This, in turn, will spawn a similarly detailed UnSignpost story, if we're still around by then. Personally I blame this all on the one who was holding the watermelon at the time. You know who you are. You disgust me. Shit Happens Editorial by a guy who has been exposed to shit for a long, long time Shit Happens all the time. Lets say ... you're drinking some kind of soda and it accidentally spills onto your shirt. Or you are biting on a burger when you accidentally choke to death but nobody cares. Or your penis falls off. Anyway, my point is, there are some negatives in life but you must learn to tolerate them .. especially when you're a fat ass who sits in your room spending your entire life consuming hotdogs and giggling at comedies on television while jacking off to classical fucks and trolling on the Internet which is absolutely, absolutely, NOT ME. So always be positive, even when your balls drop off. Or your penis. Or even your cat. Because as you know, the World isn't fair ever since some dick with an ass of a triangle set foot on this Earth. So get used to life, and if you can, get used to the dicks who banned your ass and spammed your page which is also, absolutely, absolutely, NOT ME. Oh, and always remember to stay on the bright side even if you are found lying naked with an underwear eight times the size of your penis and you get arrested, get thrown in jail, get beaten up by a kid who apparently isn't a kid and get castrated unintentionally while having a sandwich crammed down your throat trying to squat in a cell and you finally get out after 5 years only to get run down by an ass in a car and you get admitted to hospital but a doctor feeds you the wrong medicine and you rot away and die and you get dumped into the sewers. So remember kids ... always be posi-

Check out these pages! What? Yeah. Duh. Wow. Huh? From our logs: MrN9500 blocked 168.216.126.200 with an expiry time of 1 week ‎(You need to use the toilet) Lyrithya blocked Zana Dark with an expiry time of 13 seconds ‎(I'd never blocked you. I felt left out.) Romartus blocked 86.12.164.5 with an expiry time of 6 months ‎(You have form sir. Six months living on moths for you.) RAHB changed block settings for Pisippo with an expiry time of infinite (Wonderful way to respond to a one-hour ban. I salute your arrogance.) RAHB blocked 86.186.208.180 with an expiry time of 1 week ‎(Yes, hello. Stop creating utter shite, please. Thanks.) MrN9500 blocked Eddie1334 with an expiry time of 1 day ‎(Although what you say may be true, you still get banned. Surprisingly.) Slime mold of the week: Stemonitis sp. Questions of the Week Q: Am I supposed to be in here? User: Haydrahlienne A: Yes, you can be in here as long as you want. Just don't touch the monkey. Or the cheese. And don't eat the last biscuit. Also avoid upsetting our editor as he has a temper and a shotgun under his desk....Actually, you should just go. Q: Have you answered all of the questions on this page? User:RAHB A: We don't know, why don't you tell us? (A paradox for a paradox. Ball is in your court RAHB) Custom box #4 of the Week Custom box #4 is quite the Custom box #4. In fact, not only has it been named Custom box #4 of the Week, but it's expected to be high in the running for Custom box #4 of the Year, if the other custom boxes start pulling their weight. Whatever the case may be, individual awards aside, there's not a doubt in any Custom box #4 enthusiast's mind that when, one day, Custom box #4 walks down the long and distinguished path of retirement, it'll be immediately greeted by the opening of the gate to the coveted Custom box #4 Hall Of Fame.

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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 10:22, 10 February 2012

My dearest weasel. I saw that you were out of the loop with the happy monkey competition. One of the judges doesn't seem to be doing anything, and so, if by tomorrow I have no word from him, would you like to judge the entries. You need only give a mark of 1 to 10 on the articles and leave a sentence for each one (though the sentence is not mandatory). Let me know dear poppy! --ShabiDOO 17:31, February 17, 2012 (UTC)

Er yeah, sure. --POP!GoesTheWeasel 03:46, February 18, 2012 (UTC)

UnSignpost - 18 February 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper With Words n' Shit!

February 18th, 2012 • Issue 158 • This is the place to be for the end of the world show.

Important competition news By The Cabal (which doesn't exist) As you all are no doubt aware due to paying the utmost attention to that which goes on around you, there was a competition this week, or possibly last week, or at very least, at some point relatively recently. This competition was the 2012 Happy Monkey Competition, in which various contestants competed to do something possibly monkey-related. According to the sitenotice, it is wrapping up around now, waiting only for the judges to show up and do their damn jobs, or, as the case may be, leave already so the janitor can clean up; it's not the competition hosts' fault you're homeless, and it's not their job to provide you with shelter past the allotted judging hours. What the rest of you may be less aware of, however, is certain controversy that has inevitably sprung up about this contest. Allegations of unfairness in proctoring and judging and a general lack of effective organisation and topics have no doubt sprung up, as they invariably do with every competition. Complications have also indubitably arisen from the tendencies of certain individuals to simply do things without asking, and of others to ask first and then ignore the responses. Rest assured, for the cabal is watching, and all who disturb the order of things will be dealt with accordingly. MOAR PENIS By RAHB Penisman has been sorely under-utilized as of late. In fact, he's been sorely under-utilized as of recent, and sorely under-utilized as of the past while as well. I just have one thing to say about this... Prepare for World Domination By Oliphaunte After a pro-longed session of drinking high-quality whiskey and smoking imported Cuban cigars, the fate of the world was finally decided between the Oli brothers. The western world, under the dominion of the English Empire and her colonies, would come under the complete control of King Olipro, while the eastern world consisting of the USSR and the powerful nation of Monaco would come under the control of Head Commissioner Oliphaunte. The two leaders would then combine their powerful empires into one global superpower and conquer all the little nations with their armies of pirate robots and Flying undead pilots. After which, a spaceship made completely out of cotton balls and masking tape would be launched to conquer Mars, Saturn, Venus, Uranus, and Neptune. Not Pluto, though, because that's no longer a planet. Instead, the two Olies will construct a replica Star Wars deathstar, which will be painted completely blue to avoid copyright infringement with Lucasarts (George Lucas now owns nuclear devices and becomes unstable when his trademarks are re-created without permission), and will use it to blow up Pluto for the hell of it. The planets will then be under the jurisdiction of the top friends of the two Olies. Saturn will go to Zombiebaron, Mars will go to Lyrithya, Neptune will go to Black flamingo11, Venus will go to Dr. Skullthumper and Uranus will go to Mattsnow simply because he wouldn't stop laughing when we told him Uranus was conquered. Now that the plan and been decided and the gears are in motion, it's only a matter of time before the entire world is conquered by Uncyclopedia, and everyone will be forced to contribute at least one article everyday about how great their overlords, Oliphaunte, Olipro, and friends, truly are! Mwhahahahahahha. Ha? It was then that Oliphaunte woke up in a back alley somewhere in Atlantic City with a dozen empty bottles of whiskey, a bag a hemp, and a calling card for male prostitutes. There was also a note next to him that read, "You got drunk and threw up on my living room rug, so I flew you to Atlantic city, beat you up, and left you with a bunch of male hookers. Also, stole you Hageen-Daaz from the freezer. -Love, Olipro." Oliphaunte then realized that the plan for world domination was just a dream...Oh well, at least he has rollbacks now.

Check out these pages! Potatochopping. Who are you? WHAT THE FUCK! New Award of the Month. From our logs: Sockpuppet of an unregistered user blocked 90.217.205.53 with an expiry time of 2 hours (You're so hilarious I have to ban you for two hours.) Thekillerfroggy blocked Buffsfootball6 with an expiry time of 2 weeks (all due respect (none), but my fat friend is like twice as fat probably) ChiefjusticeDS blocked 142.227.189.60 with an expiry time of 3 Days (Inserting Vanity: and generally failing to cause me to laugh uproariously. ) Roman Dog Bird blocked 218.185.79.222 with an expiry time of 1 week (My dog could kick your ass and he's small.) Excuse of the Week Hi, it's Lyrithya. Sorry for not being around much; I got the bright idea to reinstall the operating systems on my laptops on Monday and that kind of killed all my spare time since. Well, that and the beading. Also got the bright idea on Wednesday to buy a whack-load of beads and try to turn them into jewellery. To that end, so far I've only managed to chemically melt some peacock feathers together, but I have high hopes for the rest of it. And on the plus side, KDE works. Sort of. It's kind of slow. On Windows, at least. Anyway, if anyone was wondering, this would probably be why nobody remembered to write the UnSignpost for this week until now. Other Excuse of the Week Hi, it's RAHB. Sorry for the UnSignpost being late, but my hard drive blew up this week. And then other stuff happened. This would probably be why I didn't remind anybody to write the UnSignpost for this week. A Word From Zombiebaron Nothing notable happened to my computer this week, and, therefore, I don't really have an excuse for this week's late UnSignpost. Well Hello. My Name is Oliphaunte And I now have rollbacks. What's your user protection level? None? Well, that must suck for you. I wouldn't know cause, well, I've got rollbacks. You know that ludacris song "Rollout"? Yea, that's essentially my life right now, but with rollbacks. You know what that makes me feel like? A badass. Why am I a badass? Because I've got rollbacks. My name is Oliphaunte and I approve this rollbacked message.

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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 07:55, 18 February 2012

Happy Monkey

Hey dude, you can go ahead and place the scores if you like for the happy monkey...put them in Kipthedips column, and Ill change your name there. here Thanks Poppy --ShabiDOO 13:39, February 18, 2012 (UTC)

Okey - dokey, Shabi. --POP!GoesTheWeasel 01:20, February 19, 2012 (UTC)

I love you ever so much my darling Pop Goes the Weasel. Kisses! --ShabiDOO 17:42, February 19, 2012 (UTC)

• Looks for suggestive spots* --POP!GoesTheWeasel 07:02, February 21, 2012 (UTC)

Thanks once again

Thanks pop for stepping in and judging ... it was very very appreciated...super mega appreciated!!! Hurah hurah hurah! -ShabiDOO 10:35, February 20, 2012 (UTC)

Oh yeah no problem baby! You're not my baby --POP!GoesTheWeasel 14:11, February 20, 2012 (UTC)

Thanks twice again

Thanks for judging, for the nice score you gave me (I appreciate that you appreciated the article, which is gay ((both the article and the appreciation))), and for helping to keep Happy Monkey alive and well in the jungle filled with flowers and fruit (gay). Thanks! Aleister 11:43 20-2-'12

Thanks. --POP!GoesTheWeasel 07:01, February 21, 2012 (UTC)

UnSignpost - 23 February 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Self-Proclaimed Greatest Periodical Of All Time!

February 23rd, 2012 • Issue 159 • FUS RO Journalism!

Softly softly, happy Monkey By Chief Now we here at the UnSignpost would be the first to admit that our coverage of the Happy Monkey Competition has amounted to less than the laser show of words that you were probably expecting. It is a sincere regret of the UnSignpost that it has been unable to provide any sort of meaningful coverage of a competition which describes itself as 'pure awesomeness' on its signup page. The competition successfully concluded this week and Aleister in Chains was declared the overall winner. We were privileged not to catch up with Aleister regarding this, and you shouldn't consider it either. In second and third were ICameHereInACloche and Xamralco, who lost slightly less than everyone else. For those who don't know how the scores for the Happy Monkey competition are calculated, it is by a simple process of getting the judges to rate an article out of ten in a table, much like this one, adding all their scores up, then throwing them in the bin and letting Shabidoo decide who the winner should be. The UnSignpost is very impressed with Shabidoo's ingenuity in overruling the opinions of his peers and stomping on the faces of his enemies. Those who enjoyed the Happy Monkey should take note of Shabidoo's next competition which he calls "Forced labour in a Salt Mine, while I eat grapes and sit on a deck chair". The competition has furnished Uncyclopedia with sixteen new articles. A splendid achievement; asked just how he had done this by Mattsnow, Shabidoo replied: "Raisins! Never underestimate the alure of raisins!". The UnSignpost fervently hopes that Dr. Skullthumper is still reading the UnSignpost so that he can take this knowledge and use it to save us from ourselves, a task he accomplishes at present by lurking on the Uncyclopedia IRC channel and successfully saying the word 'penis' more than anyone else. For the fans of long unbroken blocks of text among you, this week saw the arrival of this forum in which Thekillerfroggy sets out his agenda to sell Uncyclopedia to "the man" piece by piece. He also thinks that we should bring back cash prizes, introduce a daily editing charge and require that an article can only be featured on the front page if it also attempts to sell the reader discount Viagra. Finally an administrator who isn't afraid to say what we're all thinking: "When am I ever going to get some sort of financial return for editing this humour wiki?". The last word this week goes to Modusoperandi who asks: "Is there code to keep the ads and hide the pages?". The Forum By Chief TheHappySpaceman just can't wait for April Fools day. He's so desperately excited that he has started a forum in which we can all plot and scheme about just how we will take in the entire world this April 1st. ICameHereInACloche wasted no time in suggesting that we make Uncyclopedia good for April fools day and was, quite rightly, kicked down a flight of steps by Olipro, who pointed out that it's April fools day and not Christmas. The discussion is needless anyway since I have already decided that we should do absolutely nothing for April Fools day. Except, and here's the catch and the really clever bit, we make it look like we have. We'll all sit on IRC going "Lol" at all the plebs who arrive on the website going "OMG WHAT'S CHANGED???". Shabidoo wants to know what your name is! It's not creepy at all! There's a lot of discussion going on regarding huffing! No need to read any of it, just remember that you should FIX IT, DON'T {{FIX}} IT. Administrators take note, or PuppyOnTheRadio will come to your talk page and make you feel very bad indeed. The bad news is that BHOP still exists and TheHappySpaceman is using it to plug his very own award. He could least haven chosen something that Aleister might not win every month. In conclusion: don't go to BHOP. It's not nice there.

Check out these pages! Who knows? Who agrees? Who knew? Who dunnit? Who cares? From our logs: 15:54, February 22, 2012 MrN9500 (Talk | contribs) blocked Under user (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 minutes ‎ (Right that's it. You are totally banned, and your services are no longer required on Uncyclopedia. (For the next 5 mins). 07:15, February 22, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Roman Dog Bird's anal leakage (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Why don't we ever get any pleasant vandal usernames? Like "Roman dog bird's lovely petunias" or something.) 07:20, February 22, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Roman dog bird's lovely petunias (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Thank you.) 02:52, February 20, 2012 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Sergeant Stud Krug Againist Vandalz (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Thanks for fighting against Vandalz, here is an early retirement) 23:06, February 18, 2012 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked RAHB (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1234 seconds ‎ (For putting Penisman into the UnSignpost. MY EYES!) Biopic of the Week Just what is a "Cloche" and how does one come here in one? This question has troubled me ever since I decided that I must biopic ICameHereInACloche. It turns out that a Cloche could be many things. It could be the French word for Bell, but how on earth would this humorous fellow have reached the shores of Uncyclopedia in a bell unless the bell were pushed down a steep hill? A cloche can also be a horticultural tool for covering up vegetables, but it very notably does not come second in the Happy Monkey competition, nor could one get anywhere if one were covering up vegetables. Perhaps this writer of legend came here as part of the classical ballet movement: battement en cloche? It would explain all the dancing. The cold hard truth of the matter is that we don't know what a cloche might be, but we know that this user has come in one, but not in that way. All those who haven't should read this splendid article and perhaps his userpage if they have an abundance of free time. Readers are also discouraged from sending us examples of the things they have come in; we were almost killed by the last one. A message from Under user Now that I don't ban people, I don't get in the signpost much. solution: more people need to ban me. with good, funny, creative reasons. it's not much to ask, huh? BAN UNDER USER! Newsroom UnTune of the Week Stalker

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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 01:47, 23 February 2012

UnSignpost - 1 March 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Free Newspaper Only Two People Started Out Editing, But Now They Want Nothing To Do With!

March 1, 2012 • Issue 160 • You are all about to die.

Nothing. By Magic man So I got up this morning, ate some breakfast and watched some television, ya know, just normal morning stuff. Then I decided it was time for me to check Uncyclopedia, as I do every day. So I walk over to my computer, turn on the screen and bring up Safari. I go to Uncyclopedia, log in and what do I see? Oh, I'll tell you what I saw. This thing that I saw was so terrible, I almost died. What I saw was... NOTHING. C'mon, guys, can't you do anything? Start a competition, a new exciting forum, even drama! Anything! I mean, I can't be expected to entertain myself, can I? And to any of you smart-asses out there who tell me that nothing is something in and of itself, shut up and go fall in a hole full of pointy objects; you know what that would be helping by telling me that? Take a guess. News? By Drunk editorial staff For those with eyes in their brains and mugs in their ale, it should be clear that all manner of very important things have been occurring in the news. Or is this the news? Well, you get the idea. Apparently Uncyclopedians, Shabidoo in particular, think there is something wrong with the site. While this is indoubti-bi-tubby the case, a more pressing concern we must bring up is this: has there ever been anything right with the site? Today the scare involves NotM, a highly prestigious award won by all the people who aren't here right now, and how it creates problems in regards to new editor retention, despite the minor issue that we would have to have new editors in the first place in order to retain any of them. Another scare involves the complete lack of sufficient delete votes on VFD, along with the fact that Sycamore wants to decrease the maximum number of active votes there to 14 when 15 would in fact be a much more round number, and to decrease the score required to delete things from 5 to 4, when 5 is also a much more round number. We suspect Sycamore just has something against round numbers, probably due to some childhood trauma or something, unless it turns out that these are the wrong notes and it was someone else who wanted to do all that. Everything's so blurry. In other news, Wikia broke the site again, our illustrious admins keep forgetting to update the feature queue, VFP is lacking an appropriate number of votes, containing only the nominations of three images by Zombiebaron, who demands that more people vote for them because pi is awesome, and Uncyclopedia needs more sharons. And I really need to lie down. Profit! By a representative of Murdoch press Profit! A word that has dogged Uncyclopedia, most especially those pages doomed to huffing, for years. A concept that we, as a community, have overlooked in our time, and need to bring the focus back to.  A user has recently pointed out that as a community, we are forgetting this one fundamental principle. Our growth - nay, our very survival - depends on this principle. We need to become part of the corporate machine to further our plans of world domination. To do this, we may need to advertise, and to pay for quality submissions. Now many of you may be afraid of this. Change can be frightening, and after all, our last venture into the world of capitalism has left us falling short of the desired funds to purchase the Ferrari promote the site in the manner we were hoping for.  The point is, ladies and gentleman, that profit, for lack of a better word, is good. Profit is right, profit works. Profit clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Profit, in all of its forms; profit for life, for money, for love, knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind. And profit, you mark my words, will not only save Uncyclopedia, but that other malfunctioning corporation called the USA. Thank you very much. Editor's note: This is most certainly not a veiled attempt by the resident money launderers to give them something to launder. The people want this. They already have a number of ideas relating to the promotion and growth of the site, and want your feedback so they can have feedback! Yes!

Check out these pages! Money? Normal? Possible? Sensible? Eh? From our logs: Romartus blocked GarethPW with an expiry time of infinite (Block test (no cause for alarm yet)) Sockpuppet of an unregistered user blocked 69.34.161.38 with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (Try to be more original next time. Cocks and anuses are so cliché.) RAHB blocked Ormiston College with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (And the worst user account in the world.) Tom mayfair blocked Wikipedialyte with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Inserting true information) RAHB blocked 115.124.0.68 with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Don't be a tit, please.) Sockpuppet of an unregistered user blocked 194.83.172.186 with an expiry time of 1 year ‎ (Could you come back a year from now and tell me if your IP is static? Then I can ban you for infinity next time.) ChiefjusticeDS blocked 58.170.123.142 with an expiry time of 3 Days ‎ (Blanker. Now, because of you, a block that could have been used on a starving African child is being wasted. For shame.) Biopic of the Week This week's user's name raises many questions. Is a Vodkelpplant‎‎ a plant that grows Vodkelps? If so, what's a Vodkelp? Could he possibly have meant a Vodka Plant? If so, does he man a plant that grows Vodka, or a plant that makes Vodka? How many questions does his user name actually create? Why am I still talking like this? And most importantly, who killed Tupac? Anyway, while this guy hasn't posted on any talkpage, he's created a deluge of Undictionary entries. It's pretty hard to grasp how many he's actually made. Seriously, he can't be silenced! I mean, what an Imagination! If you think by 'a lot' I mean one, three, four, five, six or even forty, you're wrong; he's made many more than that. In fact, I think I'd even call him the titan of Undictionary entries. Alright, that's enough of that joke. But really, he's pretty cool. Go say hi on his talkpage, maybe his response to you will be the first time he ever posts on a talk page. That would be a reason to have a party. No, really, I'm done now. Newsroom UnTune of the Week Death Blood Kill Dude... Where'd my bottle go? Did someone steal my bottle? Oh, you... asscracks.

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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:25, 1 March 2012

Hey Pop

Just though I'd send you a quick note to say hello...which obviously means I want something LOL. I was just wondering, if you have a bit of time, could you look at chairs and see if you think I could do anything to make it VFH - worthy. If you have 10,000 other things to do, (don't we all) then that's cool too. Jonny appleseed (talk) 17:41, March 2, 2012 (UTC)

I'll try, I'll try. --POP!GoesTheWeasel 15:34, March 4, 2012 (UTC)

UnSignpost - 8 March 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

All your readers are belong to us

March 8th, 2012 • Issue 161 • The most recycled periodical on the internet!

Vote for Change By Chief Frosty fixes IRC There have been rumblings on the wiki this week, and not just because someone in the UnSignpost office insists it is their human right to have three kebabs for breakfast. These are the rumblings of discontent, and they stem from the behaviour of several users on the Uncyclopedia IRC channel. Frosty was decent enough to create a forum in the Ministry of Love explaining his discontent with pretty much everything IRC. Those of you who are fans of long blocks of text with lots of unnecessary swearing will not be disappointed as Frosty delivers Uncyclopedia's first blockbuster of 2012. The crux of the issue is that the Uncyclopedia IRC channel is not unlike my back garden, dangerous to enter alone for fear that Olipro will burst from the undergrowth and verbally assault you before hiding in the shed. There appear to be several views on this issue, besides the obvious; the UnSignpost sat down with Socky to discuss how we could fabricate a quote from him this week and he didn't say "I propose that all who argue should be put to death". Determined not to be outdone when it comes to simmering discontent with our benighted wiki, Lyrithya weighed into the forum to say that she too was disgusted with the present situation and something should be done. It's both worrying and strangely comforting that you can always rely on her for this particular viewpoint. The rebuttal to all these dissenting views has been varied, mostly involving admitting that yes Olipro and Dr. Skullthumper are an acquired taste and that everyone should generally go back to the important task of deleting maintaining the wiki. Puppy fixes NotM Speaking of maintaining the wiki, it is with great pride and the greatest pleasure that we bring to you more reforms from the keyboard of Dr. Skullthumper, Uncyclopedia's lead innovator and blue sky thinker. He proposes that in order to make new users feel welcome we should abolish Noob of the Month. Don't look at us like that; it makes complete sense to me: new users plus no awards equals a better Uncyclopedia. That isn't strictly true, as PuppyOnTheRadio suggested that instead of having a system by which we award one user the award per month we stack the new users up and treat them as though they were articles on VFH. This will at least kill two noobs with one stone, as nothing proves quite so heartbreaking as having your first article stomped on and then thrown into the bin because it "Lacks cultural significance". You could then change to the VFN page and watch yourself be stomped on and then thrown into the bin because "His/her articles lack cultural significance". Users interested in this plan should report here and support Thrak Thrak the destroyer of Worlds: May his power endure eternally, praise be, praise be to use the name he uses in his welcome message. Dr. Skullthumper fixes Uncyclopedia Oh and in case you had forgotten, Thekillerfroggy still wants to sell Uncyclopedia to the man, man. Our pessimistic thought for the week goes to Electrified mocha chinchilla, who urges you to look on the bright side by saying: "Uncyclopedia will die if we do not make a conscious effort to expand our presence on the internet, thereby reaching a wider audience and attracting more contributors". So to conclude: WE'RE ALL DOOMED!!! THIS IS THE END OF DAYS! Happy Thursday! Conservation By Chief Only you can prevent forest fires, is what we would be saying if it was time for forest fire week again. It's not. Instead it is almost time for another Conservation Week! Unfamiliar with Conservation Week? Want to learn more? Why not head on over to the page and do a spot of reading? Or don't; trust that our summary of the rules is gospel and just start writing. Basically you rewrite articles so that they are no longer suitable for one of Dr. Skullthumper's templates of doom. Having completed your rewrite you gain a point, and you want to have more points than everyone, especially HauntedUndies, who is the Team Rocket of Conservation Week. Honestly, it's true. You can enter the competition for the low low price of ten English pounds, which goes towards oiling the gears and cogs of Uncyclopedia. Your article should also contain at least two pictures of a Monkey, regardless of the subject matter. Well? What are you waiting for? HAH! False start; the competition isn't running just yet, and updates could come from anywhere, at literally any time. Check out the forum and await further instructions.

Check out these pages! Conservation Centenary Madness In-jokes Proposals From our logs: 12:19, March 2, 2012 Romartus (talk | contribs) blocked Fck cnt slt btch whre jrk-ff rttwlr wnk (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (We have a policy on vowel abuse here.) 00:01, March 4, 2012 RAHB (talk | contribs) blocked 85.73.86.233 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Today you endure my ire at the fact the revision differences colors have changed. Rar.) 16:12, March 2, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked 216.11.41.2 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (JUST LOVES AMERICA SO DAMN MUCH) 14:06, March 2, 2012 MadMax (talk | contribs) blocked 31.221.14.82 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (The "nicest guy any one would ever want to meet"? You sure have a funny way of showing it Nathaniel.) 05:49, March 4, 2012 Roman Dog Bird (talk | contribs) blocked R.A.H.B. (Roman A-dog Hunting Baron) (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (hahaha) 14:19, March 6, 2012 Black flamingo11 (talk | contribs) blocked 199.212.250.156 (talk) with an expiry time of 3 days ‎ (Come back in three days and tell us more about swans, this time in more detail and without the all caps.) Biopic of the Week Yeehaw! It's time for biopic of the week and this week we'll be looking at a user whose username I cannot seem to say without speaking in a ridiculous American accent. It's Jonny appleseed. Now Mr. Appleseed has been hanging about Uncyclopedia since November last year, and in that time you probably haven't spoken to him once. Why? Because he has been prowling about on UnNews, you remember UnNews, the place where you haven't been since the last argument over what shade of brown the banner should be. Jonny has written 16 articles, and they are actually quite good; I thoroughly enjoyed the thirty seconds I spent speed reading through them. He may be quiet but his potential is great; I foresee great things for you, young Appleseed (be sure to say that to him constantly). If you happen to have a spare moment, the UnSignpost suggests that you go and greet this highly promising fellow and perhaps try reading his articles while speaking with a strong American accent. It's a right hoot. Old-school FA 22 March 2006 Nigeria, two days into launching its first census in 15 years, has found it has an estimated 40 million rich and desperate princes and generals in its population, the press secretary for President Olusegun Obasanjo said today. "We were indeed surprised at the amount of high-status people in this country with Swiss bank accounts from whom the government is trying to obtain millions of dollars," the press secretary said in an official statement. "In fact, we didn't know we had so many princes, much less ones eager to unload large amounts of diamonds." Newsroom UnTune of the Week Sevenfold RAmen Public Service Announcement Users are warned not to send correspondence to their home address regarding the following edit: 21:47 HowTo:Persuade your husband‎ (diff | hist) . . ( 1) . . Aleister in Chains (talk | contribs) (a couple of minor tweaks, nothing to write home about)

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~ I am Haydrahlienne, I am a bot, and I have no feelings. 00:20, 8 March 2012

Whoa

I've come to you as a representative of all 76,000 registered users of uncyclopedia (how many registerd users does it actually have?) to ask that you finish up and mainspace your Richard Pryor page. It is a masterpiece, and to hide it away on your user pages is not only a crime against humanity, but is literally a crime in some countries. So please, if you love your freedom and/or money, do whatever polishing is left and mainspace this amazing and funny-as-two-hells page. Thanks. Aleister 2:24 13-3-'12

Wait, you think my article is funny? Or do you think the topic of Richard Pryor is funny. If it's just the topic, please tell me immediately so I can huff my article but if you think my article is funny, please advice me on how to continue the article. --POP!GoesTheWeasel 14:09, March 13, 2012 (UTC)

The page is funny funny funny (as is Richard Pryor, and you have him annoyed that the audience laughs and applauds at everything he says, which is funny). Maybe, as a suggestion, is continue the theme for about twice it's length, with interspearsed applause and all the things you've done so far, and then Pryor can walk off befuddled at the end, I dunno. I just remember when I saw it a couple months ago it was very funny, and I saw it as a masterpiece shaping up. A similar thing I and 90s Kid21 did was The USA versus the primitive Taliban (which maybe needs a couple of tweaks). So, I dunno, just continue for awhile and the spirit of Richard Pryor will take you over and direct your hand (he's like that, but you have to do things he'd do, so watch out). And no hurry, I was just playing in hopes that you would come back to the page at some point. Very impressive so far (as long as the format stays the way it is on different size screens, I don't know how to do that, the code to keep it stretched out. Do you? Please tell me.) Thanks for the laughs the page has brought me so far!! Aleister 16:23 13-3-'12

If you need another pic of some hecklers you could try these guys: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:StatlerAndWaldorf.jpg. Maybe you could also somehow work in a heckler with a Heckler & Koch.Jonny appleseed (talk) 21:30, March 13, 2012 (UTC)

Thanks for the tip, Aleister, and thanks for the pic, Jonny. --POP!GoesTheWeasel 03:25, March 14, 2012 (UTC)

UnSignpost 5 April 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Now a major monopoly run by Xamralco

April 5th, 2012 • Issue 162 • Xamralco edition

Xamralco By Xamralco Hello, fellow Uncyclopedians. It is I, Xamralco, here to tell you that I have temporarily taken over the UnSignpost. However, being as inexperienced as I am, I have no idea how to put an UnSignpost together. Thus, for today, the UnSignpost will be about me, the greatest Uncyclopedian ever! More Xamralco Also by Xamralco Look, I know I'm awesome. My mom knows I'm awesome. Even my kindergarten, first grade, and ninth grade teacher, Mrs. Matthews, knows I'm awesome. It's just a fact, but I'm all about being fair, so lets see what the people say: “Ehh... He's alright.” ~ Pretty much everyone on Xamralco I guess "alright" is now a synonym for "Soooooooooo freakin' awesome." Who knew? Even More Xamralco Still by Xamralco I am super, duper rad. I know no one says that anymore, but I'm bringing it back. It is Xamralco who brings back the rad fads. Xamralco will also bring back talking in the third person. Xamralco loves talking in the third person. I sometimes enjoy talking in the first person, but you find talking in the second person far more fulfilling. Still, Xamralco thinks talking in the third person is quite entertaining. Must fill up blank space By Xamralco Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Crap, that wasn't enough By Xamralco How does ChiefjusticeDS make it look so easy? Oh well. Xamralco out!

Check out these pages! User:Xamralco User talk:Xamralco Special:Contributions/Xamralco User:Xamralco/sig User:Xamralco From our logs: 10:07, April 5, 2012 Xamralco (talk | contribs) uploaded "File:Cartoonsushi.png" 10:07, April 5, 2012 Xamralco (talk | contribs) uploaded "File:Japanflag.jpg" 16:44, April 4, 2012 Xamralco (talk | contribs) uploaded "File:0303 hilary duff b.jpg" 17:05, April 3, 2012 Xamralco (talk | contribs) uploaded "File:Rick cross.jpg‎" 18:11, April 2, 2012 Xamralco (talk | contribs) uploaded "File:Rickhalo.jpg‎" Biopic of the Week Xamralco first proved himself worthy of being bestowed the title, "Honorary Human Being" by the Queen earlier this year after doing some really awesome stuff. He has joined Uncyclopedia only to become the most beloved editor in history. Fellow Uncyclopedians, NotXamralco and Xemrelco (which have no relation to the person in mention) have even called him a "comic genius," and he has been awarded tons of real awards, including "Xamralco of the Month," "Xamralco of the Year," and "Xamralco of the Week." Old-school Talk page Hello, Xamralco, and welcome to Uncyclopedia! Thank you for your contributions. I hope you like the place and decide to stay. If not, the door's right over there... no, a little more to your left... yeah. Anyway, here are a few good links for people like you: Beginner's Guide Our Vanity Policies - why we don't care about your friends How to be funny and not just stupid If you read anything at all, make it the above three links. If you want to find out more about Uncyclopedia or need more help with something, try these: About Uncyclopedia and The five pliers of Uncyclopedia How to get started editing on Uncyclopedia Help Pages - if you need help with a specific issue I hope you enjoy editing here and being an Uncyclopedian! Please sign your name on talk pages using four tildes (~~~~) or use the "sign" button () above the edit box. This will automatically produce your name and the date. (more...) Newsroom UnTune of the Week The Xamralco Song Xamralco is cool Which is why he's writing about how cool he is.

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9001(bot)    20:41, Apr 5

;__;

Stop being at college and comeback. You are missed Or something. ~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) 01:24, April 9, 2012 (UTC)

Been struggling with work ): I know what a pain in the ass! Feel free to edit my Richard Pryor article if you want. It's not finished. I'll probably be back around June. Miss you guys too. Or something.

UnSignpost - Free Pixels Inside!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

STOP... SIGNPOST TIME!!

Apr 12th, 2012 • Issue 163ish • The newspaper used as insulation by discerning homeless

Nobody panic. Everything is fine. By PuppyOnTheRadio In a precedented move, USP has handed the reigns over to somebody new in order to ensure it's timely delivery. USP has had a fine tradition of coming out regularly on a weekly basis since it's creation, and the handing of the reigns to Xamralco PuppyOnTheRadio whoever is willing to take it will guarantee that nobody will ever miss an issue again. In the meantime, the news continues to happen. VFH is in the healthiest state that it has been over the past 7ish years, as we are constantly reminded by the site banner, which is updating as regular as clockwork. The top three features articles of March is proving to be a hotly contested title, and is shaping up to be the first month in history where every article is likely to be in the coveted top position. And we have a strong consensus that there is no need for new admins, however we have a record number of potential admins nominated. Everything is fine.  More Stuff By Xamralco Sadly, I will no longer use the UnSignpost to talk about how great I am. Instead, the UnSignpost will return to its original purpose: Telling you about what's happening on the wonderful website known as Uncyclopedia. As Puppy mentioned before, ChiefjusticeDS has left his position as head editor and all hell has broken loose everything is running quite smoothly. In other news, the Great Republican Write-a-thon is coming to a close. If you haven't heard, a Canadian dude and some schmuck who knows nothing about American politics are co-hosting a writing competition that will assess which team of Uncyclopedians can write a better article about a selected 2012 Republican presidential candidate nominee. Strangely, these same two doofuses have also submitted an entry, something which most certainly should have been against the rules. Nevertheless, articles on all four candidates were put up on VFH (which is serving as a judge), though the Mitt Romney article immediately failed since no one bothered to rewrite it (which is mildly entertaining considering he's leading at the moment). And now, some cheese: No, that wasn't random... Everybody panic. Nothing is fine. By Magic man In an emergency spur-of-the-moment move, the USP has forced the burden of writing it each week onto another innocent soul in order to ruin their lives like so many others. USP has had a fine tradition of not coming out since 1974. USP has decided to hand the blood-stained reigns to dick-hole ass-face whoever it is forced upon in order to guarantee it will never come out again. In the meantime, the terrible news continues to depress us all. VFH is running as slowly as the plumbing in my house and actually has negative six entries. However, the site banner seems to want to shove lies down our thoats. This is probably on account of the fact that it is only editable by lying, cheating, inbred bastards that can't seem to update the fuckin' thing. The top three featured articles of March is proving to only be winnable if you suck the right person's dick, and is shaping up to be just like all the other months ever: uninteresting. And a record number of people were forced to vote that they want more narcissistic assholes, however not one single person has been nominated, as there are no users left. Nothing is fine.

Check out these pages! Zombiebaron There is a cabal Wikia can't touch this █████ From our logs: 22:06, April 10, 2012 PuppyOnTheRadio  (Talk | contribs) blocked Xamralco (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Trying to steal USP from me) 22:06, April 10, 2012 PuppyOnTheRadio  (Talk | contribs) blocked Xamralco (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Hang on... I can't block you. ) 22:06, April 10, 2012 Xamralco (Talk | contribs) blocked PuppyOnTheRadio  (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinity ‎ (No you can't. Bwahahaha!) Biopic of the Week PuppyOnTheRadio should be mentioned in here, as he used to write USP for a short period while UU was away, before he came back and Chief took it over. But he is a talentless hack, so ignore him.  Word of the week, provided by: a user Xamralco 1: (n) Someone who takes a post that somebody else has already volunteered for 2: A publication produced with excessive mention of one individual.  Newsroom UnTune of the Week I Like Cats (The Other White Meat) This is the end of Xamralco references in the UnSignpost We wouldn't want to take away Zombiebaron's thing after all. What's in the stars this week Pisces In your stars this week is a significantly large mass of plasma burning at extraordinarily high temperatures. They are held together by immense gravitational force and continue to burn as a result of a significant nuclear reaction. Due to their distance from the earth however most of them look like tiny pinprick points of light in the night sky, and are not visible during the daylight hours due to ambient light. Celebrity stars Vincent Van Gogh painted a starry night, but he was crazy and put lots of odd swirls in things. Lucky numbers 1, 7, 10, and 13 are all happy numbers, which is lucky for them.

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-- Sir Xam Ralco the Mediocre 21:51, April 12, 2012 (UTC)

UnSignpost 19th April 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper 4 out of 5 Dentists Agree On!

Apr 19th, 2012 • Issue 10² 8² • Fuck Xamralco and his deadlines!

9001(bot)  14:52, Apr 19

UnSignpost Apr 26th 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That DOESN'T Think It's Better Than You!

Apr 26th, 2012 • Issue 165 • In a state of total chaos since March 8th!

VFS Excitement! By Chief Hah! You thought you were rid of me didn't you? Thought you'd be rid of old Chief like you were rid of Mordillo?? Well I have news for all of you, which is exactly why I'm writing this story, because I have news for you! Those of you who have spent the last month wearing buckets on your heads will undoubtedly be unaware that there is a VFS going on on the VFS page, where the VFS happens! It would seem Uncyclopedia's demand for administrators is only eclipsed by its demand for Frosty to stop going on about wanting more administrators. The VFS is now in its final stage and the admins are all voting on they would most like to not unsee as an administrator next month. Leading the pack at the moment, with a whopping four votes, is EMC, running on the ever popular "Oh go on, please, after all it is a lovely day" ticket. Hot on EMC's heels is PuppyOnTheRadio, whose voting section is filled with discourse about how unhelpful and blunt he is, mostly from Lyrithya the head of Uncyclopedia's "Never Forgetting, Never Forgiving department". With the qualities she describes the UnSignpost confidently forecasts that Puppy will claim adminship and bring his sunny disposition along with him. Dragging his heels in third position is Frosty, who has three for votes, one oppose vote, one haddock vote and a pencil drawing of a windmill. We are guessing that he is in third, since nobody really knows. Assuming that haddock votes are similar to oppose votes and assuming that oppose votes are like against votes one can deduce that he is on a score of one, however should the judges decide the windmill is worth ten Salmon votes, there could still be all to play for. Frosty is also an administrator at Encyclopedia Dramatica, the wiki which proves you don't need to be able to spell Encyclopaedia in order to start one. Perhaps they are mocking the correct spelling. But we digress, it is evident that Frosty's entire persona on this wiki s a mere front for a plot! We have clearly uncovered a dastardly scheme to destroy Uncyclopedia, especially with the damning evidence presented by MrN9500 "23,450 edits maintained over a period of longer than a year all just to stage 1 days fun". He's disgusted and you should be too. Frosty, if that is his real name, was clearly dead set on not having his true intentions revealed. People of Uncyclopedia, the UnSignpost urges you to seize your torches and pitchforks; we shall burn and stab the demons out of him! Bringing up the rear in this race are Oliphaunte and Xamralco with no votes each despite everyone agreeing that they are splendid fellows, everyone except Lyrithya that is. VFS concludes at midnight on the 30th when the successful candidates will be inducted into the order and the unsuccessful candidates go back to having real lives. How exciting. Happy Thursday! Even more VFS Excitement! (The VFS Derby) By Shabidoo The horses have been chosen and the judge shoots his big giant black gun. POW, they're off. The Aussies take the lead thanks to RAHB while EMC inches ahead with the support of the zombie faction. Its a three way lead until...look...EMC and Frosty are ahead due to...who is that guy? Tom Mayfair? Seriously, who is he? Suddenly, Xamralco is....he...he is still in the same place... due to "support" from Lyrithya. MrN throws in all his votes. WHAT A RACE! Puppy inches ahead and now...look...another impossible to interpret move. EMC will stay where he is with a "neutral" vote by Lyrithya. Could this be any more exciting? And the first casualty, Frosty breaks his leg and falls back due to a very long block of explanation but he keeps going. Gosh that trooper! And...whats that...Chief makes an actual decision sending Puppy ahead. What's next!?!? And now...a total of four horses are..."supported" by Lyrithya...keeping them in the exact same place they were before! Followed by a giant monumental block with links and references shatters Puppy's leg...and he lags behind, can he keep going? Hey...a score fix. Puppy is ahead after all...thanks TKF for the correction! Lyrithya withdraws her "support" for Oliphaunte...meaning he no longer stays where he is...but instead...stays where he is! Remarkable. What a frenzy. Now an exchange between TKF and Lyrithya...resulting in...no change at all...and the fans are waiting for anything...any result at all. The Australians in the lead while the others are content with "support", "neutural" votes or "neutural support"! BF takes a stand and EMC shoots ahead that strong buck he is! TKF calls fowl on Mr.N and the judges decide that "no one cares". Romartus injects EMC with steroids pushing him ahead while he breaks Frosty's other leg due to a shocking "conflict of interest" scandal. Who saw that coming? Anything goes in the VFS derby! Now its bedlam...some punch the wind out of horses by withdrawing their "for"s or break horses leg by changing to "against". What a 360º. Horses fall left, right, centre while everyone tries to figure out what everyone else is doing. How intense! Not since the VFS derby of 2011 have we seen this scale of flip flopping! And now Zombie decides to hold onto his crowbar so he can break a horses leg if he threatens his favourite candidate. Others give horses a push ahead while others throw grenades strategically at other horses. It seems everyone is playing a game of chicken...waiting to see what the other person does. We are heading towards the final run, a grand all out cage fight. The two horses with the least broken bones crawling towards the end. Tune in next week to see if any of these horses cross the line before dying of internal injuries. Will someone make an actual decision in the next day or two! Keep your eyes posted!

Check out these pages! Are you a slut? Find out now! Count with total strangers for the low, low price of $19.99! Vote on your favorite dictator! Eat some Nutella! From our logs: 06:15, April 24, 2012 Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) blocked BangYouLater (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 69 months ‎ (An internet-based porn website? How innovative.) 01:20, April 22, 2012 RabbiTechno (talk | contribs) blocked KeenChic (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (It's only a one-day ban because I've just had a fat line of drugs and am therefore in a good mood) 19:57, April 23, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked 156.26.170.101 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 hour ‎ (On the route to Nirvana edit warring is not Swindon that way lies) 18:54, April 17, 2012 Romartus (talk | contribs) blocked Owfinewf (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Cybermullet, go away. ) 06:52, April 25, 2012 Romartus (talk | contribs) blocked 98.220.243.133 (talk) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Spam man? No thank you mam. ) Biopic of the Week Qzekrom (or Cute Zekrom if you pronounce "Q" incorrectly) is by far the best Uncyclopedian who is also a pokémon (Sorry, Mr-ex777). Originally an evil IP who refused to join, Cute Zekrom finally did the right thing and made an account, which is great for us since all he does is patrol recent changes, ICUing and QVFDing like a madman. Oh, and he writes UnNews, further spreading his liberal/conservative propaganda to all. Sadly, Cute Zekrom only has 100 HP, which allows my Burmy to completely annihilate him. Plus, everyone knows that Yu-Gi-Oh! is really where it's at... Or Digimon. Digimon's pretty cool, too. Old-school FA 23 June 2006 Calvin and Hobbes was an action-packed buddy comedy series that ran from 1542-1549, featuring philosophers John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes as themselves. The series was noted for its recurring themes of theological introspection, philosophical anthropology, the study of the nation-state, and use of cardboard boxes that could turn into any machine they wanted it to. The series confused many, as Hobbes himself was not born until 1588 - some 40 years after the show last aired. This seeming anachronism was explained by the fact that only Calvin could see Hobbes - leading to debate over if Hobbes was real or merely a figment of Calvin's imagination. (More...) Newsroom UnTune of the week I Forgot the Words! The Pee Buddy Awards! They deserve more attention than they're getting.

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9001(bot)  00:48, Apr 26

I would like to bring your attention to this forum

Forum:Vote to De-Op Lyrithya                                • Puppy's talk page • 03:20 07 May

UnSignpost May 25th, 2012

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That Won't Judge You!

May 25th, 2012 • Issue 166 • Almost entirely asbestos free!

An Endzone Victory Dance From Your New Overlord By EMC Hi, I'm EMC, your family-friendly fascist and tyrant. Having been at Uncyclopedia for almost six years, I have seen some shit. A lot of it I can't talk about because of some gag orders which are still in effect. Some of it I don't want to talk about because even thinking about it gives me sympathy pains in my groin. But one thing I had never seen before was me becoming an administrator. One month ago, this was something which only happened in my wettest of dreams. Thanks to my mother's influence, I was able to win the VFS. Once this happened, I felt obligated to write this UnSignpost piece about this extraordinary blessing known as me. I will start from the beginning and finish at the end. I was born just like everyone else. Sometime shortly after that, I discovered Uncyclopedia. Six years later, I became an administrator. As you can see, my life can be summed up as a series of successes followed by more success. I invite you all to follow the example I have set for you in my years of servicing Uncyclopedians serving Uncyclopedia. I can assure you that a life in service to Uncyclopedia will become a life full of attractive foreign women consenting to your penis without the inducement of money. Be more like me: Get born. Discover Uncyclopedia. Become an admin. Make a USP article about yourself. Success awaits you, especially if you are me. BOB'S BACK ALLEY ABORTIONS YOU MAKE 'EM, WE SCRAPE 'EM, NO FETUS CAN BEAT US! CALL NOW FOR A FREE CONSULTATION! 1-218-936-8869 A New Beginning for the Beginner's Guide By EMC If you take a whiff around, you can smell many parts of Uncyclopedia rotting away, such as neglected projects like UnPoetia or those meme-filled articles featured eons ago. And just look at all of that dust on the HTBFANJS! But of the many things which suck and need major fixing, the Beginner's Guide is no longer one of them. Thanks to the efforts of Shabidoo and this USP article's author, the Beginner's Guide is now navigable and comprehensible. Users are no longer overwhelmed by stubs stuffed between unnecessarily long calculus equations or whatever the hell was going on with that thing before. Readers do not have to flip through using the "Next page" button. Instead, the new guide can be navigated with its template or its overview page, which now only have six relevant links instead of thirty-thousand and five irrelevant links. What preceded this and highlighted the necessity for rewriting the guide was the simplification of our UnNews guide and welcome message. It's a well-established fact that reading bores people. Giving people less stuff to read when they first join Uncyclopedia, experts say, increases the likelihood that new users will not only be less bored, but that they might actually read the Beginner's Guide/welcome message/UnNews guide and become worthwhile contributors/get banned less often. And at the end of the day, that's what it's all about.

Check out these pages! The PLS is here! International Spam IRC Month is almost over :( Fold proteins for great justice Hang out with your wang out From our logs: 07:08, 23 May 2012 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user blocked Sure mean with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Sockpuppetry and all that jizz.) 23:30, 22 May 2012 ChiefjusticeDS blocked 69.113.93.82 with an expiry time of 3 Days (You do bad thing, I ban you now) 14:57, 17 May 2012 Electrified mocha chinchilla blocked 208.93.177.54 with an expiry time of 1 hour (Blanker: You are banned for blanking sections of the White Stripes article. Blanking sections of the White Stripes article got you banned.) 14:55, 13 May 2012 Roman Dog Bird blocked 67.163.130.253 with an expiry time of 2 hours (yo nigga, don't fuck with john candy. and remember, he isn't gay.) Biopic of the Week Tompkins is a retired admin who hasn't edited the site since 2007. This Iowan left Uncyclopedia to pursue a lucrative career in tipping cows (which we think is a euphemism) and designing corn palaces across the Midwest. Uncyclopedia's head office in Pyongyang has received several explicit postcards from him since 2007, all of which express deep regret at having left Uncyclopedia. Through these postcards Tompkins has told us that he hates his life and that leaving Uncyclopedia is the worst thing anyone could ever do, and that he advises anyone considering leaving to reconsider their consideration. In summation, Tompkins is a good example of why you should never leave Uncyclopedia or live in Iowa. Old-school FA 27 June 2009 Failure University (officially abbreviated FU, with sincerest regrets) is a fully self-accredited coeducational Internet-based university. Founded in 2006, it endeavours to provide advanced degrees to the mentally and financially underprivileged — namely those persons who were too dim to be matriculated by a standard college or university, and whose parents were too poor to build a new engineering building or add a wing to the campus library. (More...) Newsroom UnTune of the Week Randomness Rap

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

--Hotadmin4u69 ^[TALK] 00:10 May 25 2012

Hello SirWeasel

I nommed your page, although it's still on user space. I did some tweaking (please have a look at every change and revert if they don't flow with the concept you were looking at), and realized how good it is. I don't have flash, so don't know what's in the youtube addition - does it flow with the page or is it just extra? I dunno. Anyway, imnho you certainly deserve a feature for this page, but I may be in a small minority for all I know. Thanks for letting me tweak on it (but if it's featured it's all yours, for sure!) Aleister 19:25 26-5-'12

It's going good on VFH, but you have at least two more votes if you mainspace it. If you like it as it is, please mainspace, and receive the accolades being thrown your way! Aleister 1:15 27-5-'12

Alright, I'll nominate it and mainspace it, but despite all you have said, I'm going to give you credit. And there's nothing you can do about it. (:< --POP!GoesTheWeasel 02:29, May 27, 2012 (UTC)

It's nommed already! And well deserved. Credit? I did some editing to smooth out the idea and concept, but the ideas, concept, pics, placements of pics and facial expressions which tell the story, are yours and yours alone. You get complete credit for a feature if it becomes a feature, and there's nothing you can do about it except say there's nothing you can do about it. But thanks for the thought. People are really liking this one, as I knew they would. Yay! Aleister 11:50 27-5-'12

Yay! --POP!GoesTheWeasel

Supress redirect

Now that you have rollback, you can suppress redirects when you love pages. When you move pages out of your user-space or into it from the main-space, please tick that suppress redirect box on the move menu, because the redirects are useless and end up being deleted. Suppressing them saves the deletion part of the process. ~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) 02:38, May 27, 2012 (UTC)

Can you help me do it? I'm a little confused. --POP!GoesTheWeasel 02:39, May 27, 2012 (UTC)

When you go to move page you will see a ticked box saying Leave a redirect behind, untick this box to leave no redirect behind. ~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) 03:07, May 27, 2012 (UTC)

Still confused, but I'll try to get it done. --POP!GoesTheWeasel

Bring out your dead! It's the UnSignpost!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That Contains Neither News Nor Paper.

June 14th, 2012 • Issue 167 •It's a periodical. Deal with it.

Censorship and The UnSignpost By Chief More of this. It was with some trepidation that the editorial team seized their pens this week, and not just because we don't actually hand-write the USP. The main reason is that the UnSignpost service has been about as frequent as hot Panda sex, which, brings us neatly to our big promise. We can't guarantee news or a that we won't disappear without warning again but we can guarantee talk of Panda sex, as frequently as possible. The big news on Uncyclopedia is the scandalous news that Wikia have added a warning that pops up when you first visit Uncyclopedia, warning readers that Uncyclopedia is objectionable, inappropriate and violent. The obvious question you would expect to be on everybody's lips is "What took you so long?" we've been all those things for years now, it's like they haven't been paying attention. However, the main feeling on the forums are outrage and angry expressions of... well, anger. Bizzeebeever is possibly more outraged than anybody else, something he is demonstrating by being frustratingly American in every contribution to the forum, littering his discourse with "Y'all"'s and "darntootin"'s. Bizzeebeever had this to say about the forum: "Somebody here has serious scratch" which we can only assume means Wikia's ownership of Uncyclopedia is akin to an unpleasant venereal disease. If that's not what it means then that's exactly what it should mean. The UnSignpost is right behind Bizzeebeever in demanding freedom from the itchy sexual diseasy era of Wikia ownership: OUR PENISES DEMAND LIBERTY! The Solution Wikia are denying our todgers their rights. The proposed reactions to being censored in this hideous manner include: filling Wikia's central wiki with porn and other violent content (to demonstrate just how family friendly we are), occupying another wiki, turning the warning pink, voting, voting on the voting, ignoring the warning and looking up Anal licking anilingus on Wikipedia. Spike has also proposed a major letter-writing campaign, as long as all the letters are different and include a lot of long words. It would seem that despite a forum topic and a lot of long blocks of text decrying the notice that it will remain with us for the foreseeable future. The UnSignpost urges readers not to dismay, and not to attempt to suffocate themselves by climbing into large bags of mashed potato. Seriously, it doesn't work and you look really stupid. Happy ANAL LICKING ANILINGUS Thursday! News round-up By Chief Woof Nobody was more disappointed than the UnSignpost staff when they discovered that things had in fact carried on happening while the UnSignpost was on hiatus. The biggest upcoming event is in fact the Poo Lit Surprise! The competition has in fact started, sparing you all the tiresome UnSignpost articles imploring you to participate, unfortunately for you we have not missed the competition itself so prepare for another tiresome UnSignpost article imploring you to participate. The competition is being run by Zombiebaron this year, Zombiebaron has in fact run it for the last two years but has always bullied some other sucker into running it for him and doing all the adding up. Zombiebaron is offering a cash prize of actual cash money which you can actually spend because it is cash money. Zombiebaron is offering templates and shiny imaginary money as prizes which you can't spend except in dreams. Xamralco is opposed to the cash prize because "Material possessions and wealth are so analogue... man" and because he probably won't win it. The UnSignpost would like to point out that any money you receive may have been touched by EMC and Black flamingo and their userpages give you enough of an idea of the sort of things they enjoy touching. Noob of the Moment is running splendidly with users voting and around everybody winning the award at a non-specified moment in time. Last month the winners were XDshempXD, Alpha Quintesson and Mockingbird ST who soared to victory having amassed some votes each. Well done all of you, you're all winners, that said there is a special prize for the real winner, which will be presented to the first one of you to present another admin with Socky's skull on a silver plate. He lives in Belgium, he's the one that isn't a Cow, bring us his head. Pee review has fallen silent which can only mean one thing and it isn't that we have reviewed every single article on Uncyclopedia. This is doubtless because of a lack of work from the fallen ones. Peeing is not only helpful to the wiki but can also win you a diamond studded toilet!! It's a toilet with diamonds! The admiration, respect and gratitude will also be tremendous, and if you pee regularly your bladder won't explode. A Diamond Toilet! So, to recap, that's the respect and admiration of your peers, a healthy non-exploded bladder and a diamond studded toilet! You'd be crazy not to go and review something right now! Finally patrolling edits is a very useful function, much like the ability to pee (diamond studded toilet! Diamond studded toilet!) , and it saves you time, effort and time. However Frosty has noticed that nobody seems to be doing it. Bizzeebeever is in fact winning at patrolled edits and at creating bar graphs to demonstrate points that you don't really need a bar graph to demonstrate. The point is however that if you patrol recent changes you should be patrolling edits. Bizzeebeever even made a javascript to let you patrol thousands of edits per second. Alternatively you could not bother to patrol edits, this would annoy Frosty an awful lot, but it would also let Bizzeebeever win at something, so you should probably do it.

Check out these pages! Wikia are doing this They aren't doing this Poo! Again! Pee my undead minions! And Again!! From our logs (Bumper UnSignpost Absence edition): 05:21, June 9, 2012 Olipro (talk | contribs) blocked Suicidal Depression (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (/wrists) 11:07, June 5, 2012 Black flamingo11 (talk | contribs) blocked 27.159.197.202 (talk) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Stop telling people about Chanel Handbags, they're all for me I tell you) 07:35, June 2, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked 92.234.67.126 (talk) with an expiry time of 3 Days ‎ (DAYUM BRO, YO SHIT IS SO CASH!) 05:06, June 3, 2012 Lyrithya (talk | contribs) blocked Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 7 seconds ‎ (Continuing to do things the right way) 23:43, June 5, 2012 Abuse filter (talk | contribs) blocked 95.239.30.1 (talk) with an expiry time of indefinite ‎ (Automatically blocked by abuse filter. Description of matched rule: You bother me.) 12:42, May 29, 2012 Mhaille (talk | contribs) blocked 142.227.28.133 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (Latent Hetrosexual) 21:52, May 30, 2012 Electrified mocha chinchilla (talk | contribs) blocked 66.90.101.217 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (PWNT LIKE THE FAGGOT NOOB FUCKER THAT YOU ARE!! PWNT PWNT PWNT!!!) 18:19, May 30, 2012 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (talk | contribs) blocked I'mawesomeninja (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours ‎ (Two of your recent edits were shown not to be awesome.) 01:02, May 24, 2012 Roman Dog Bird (talk | contribs) blocked Shoop Da Whoopi Goldberg (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (best name yet. no, really. i mean that.) Biopic of the Week It's time for biopic of the week! This week the lucky user is Alpha Quintesson. For those of you who have never met Alpha, as I will affectionately call him, he is the nicest fellow you are ever likely to meet. Treading recent changes, wielding a plunger of power armed only with a Noob of the Month award and Uncyclopedian of the Month. A true knight of the Potato shaped table who has reverted more vandalism than most of the admins in recent months. Granted most of the admins are too powerful and lazy to do anything but swat irritably at passing vandals, but without the valuable work of my good chum Alpha the admins would have to actually do some work. I like him so much I might even shorten his nickname again, he can just be Alf, a good strong British name. The highest honour that it is possible for me to bestow, amongst others. Keep up the good work Alf and who knows, one of these days we might promote you to deputy-vice sub-assistant drudge! The possibilities are literally endless! Old-School FA Please note that this article is in no way, shape or form endorsed by or affiliated with Wikia Inc. Corp. Ltd. Wikia is awesome. It is quite simply the best wiki farm available, a breath of fresh air in a sea of stale wikihosts and morally corrupt corporate-run shared hosting deals. Wikia would never think about alienating you or your morals. Why should it? After all, it is hosted by robots that will crush your beliefs and intentions with its delightful selection of stock responses (See Forking of content), and since when did robots have any respect for human morals? But it is still cool. Wikia: not in any way morally questionable Newsroom UnTune of the week UnTunes:Still Alive (Bin Laden 2011 Cover) The Last Word The last word this week is from permanently absent UnNews dictator Zim ulator: 'Zulch! Not so fast! Last pieces of information! Cat the Colourful is a male. Now shuddup <insert name here>.

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

--ChiefjusticeDS 10:04, June 14, 2012 (UTC)

Assume the position! it's the UnSignpost!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Just like Grandma used to make!

June 21st, 2012 • Issue 168 •Dost thou go cross-gartered yonder UnSignpost?

Blue Sky Thinking By Chief The only image Dr.Skullthumper did not delete. We here at the UnSignpost were just saying the other day, as we packed fudge at the mid-week meeting, how much we miss Dr. Skullthumper. Not because we like him or anything, nobody misses him for that. We miss him because he provided an unending stream of fantastic ideas! True, most of these ideas were along the lines of "Let's pack all the images on the wiki into a category which I have called 'Maintaining Your Brilliant Ideas Now' or MYBIN for short and let's delete all but the ones of Elephants holding tissues!!" but he was certainly trying and it made for sensational news. Alas, now Dr. Skullthumper has taken another leave of absence leaving nobody to save Uncyclopedia from certain doom. Or so we thought... It would seem that Shabidoo has his eyes firmly set upon the title of Humour-Wiki innovator having this week posted no fewer than three forum topics demanding, suggesting and complaining about the wiki and proposing that we all do something about it. His posts do lack Dr. Skullthumper's trademark doom and gloom and are instead infuriatingly chirpy and irritating. Pictured: A retro image from a retro article about a very retro game When asked to comment Shabidoo had this to say to Uncyclopedia: "I should now take this moment to inform you that you are all a bunch of snotty nosed dick faces, sinking into an abyss of cock-wad penis-smoking but-snot!!!". We know what you're all thinking; he's far too polite to be anything like Dr. Skullthumper. Shabidoo wants three things, he wants to be able to share pages on Facebook, he wants us all to go retro for a week and he wants his smart phone to load Uncyclopedia, probably so he can create more forum topics about banality. Shabidoo's best idea is retro week, we imagine this will comprise editing whilst wearing ridiculous hair, a ridiculous shirt, leather trousers and carrying a boom box. For those of you who aren't interested in that sort of thing, what Shabidoo actually proposes is that we re-feature seven articles from before 2010. Steady on there Shabidoo perhaps next time we could run Prehistoric week where we re-feature articles as from as far back as 2009! Most of you will remember 2010 better referred to by the man in the street as "The year before last". It's very retro, assuming you have no idea what retro actually means. The Facebook suggestion will likely meet with failure because it requires someone who can code, and we only have a couple of people who can do that and they're all insane, Olipro, American or a combination of the three. Elsewhere on the wiki this week Nikau missed the censorship outrage boat and was outraged by the censorship. Qzekrom created a forum topic and told nobody to reply to it, that was a bit weird,. The PLS is still running and Saberwolf116 returned to the wiki and was promptly ordered back to Pee Review and the voting pages for being foolish enough to announce his return. Nobody writes UnTunes any more, we could have a week of singing and dancing, we'd call it "UnTunes Week" because we're original like that. Happy Thursday. A Victory for Democracy By Chief Lyrithya's proposal for the content warning You all probably remember last week, it was the best of times, it was the worst of times. You might also remember that the UnSignpost ran a story on the OUTRAGEOUS censorship of Uncyclopedia. The big development to that story this week is that Simsilikesims has managed to get the content warning removed! Oh, wait that's not right, what has actually happened is that the warning has been changed so that it is more welcoming, not that there are many more welcoming ways you can say "WARNING: This wiki has over 600 breast images and racism!" This may or may not be Simsilikesims writing the new content warning The new warning is delightful and nobody can say a bad word about it, except me. I hate it. It's too compromising, I'm all in favour of encouraging new users to come to our site, but the current content message makes them all think that Uncyclopedia is the place for them! Do you know that just this week I was patrolling recent changes hunting for Grouse vandalism with my dog, Barnaby Montague Clifford III, when I saw new users. This is the work of Simsilikesims he/she/it has sewn the seeds of our destruction! I would also like to complain in the strongest possible terms about the Cat on the notice and Simsilikesims signature. The signature that most people see first is normally Zombiebaron's on the block page, or mine in the canned welcome message I have sprayed onto their talk page. Don't you people see? If we put Simsilikesims' signature on the content warning people will start asking her/him/it things. A truly deplorable state of affairs. Also, Aimsplode really likes the new content warning, as if you needed another reason to hate it. You! By Chief You is exactly who could write articles for the UnSignpost! In order to keep the periodical working on a regular basis. We also needed this space to even up the columns because of RAHB's massive complaint. Enjoy reading that. We certainly did. That's enough space filled.

Check out these pages! Yeah, still Yes, STILL!! 634 boob images Please God somebody sing something From our logs: 19:52, June 19, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked Under user (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 20 seconds ‎ (The UnSignpost Gods demand the banning of a blessed Virgin every Tuesday. Since there's none of those around right now I'll have to make do with Under user.) 21:13, June 19, 2012 Thekillerfroggy (talk | contribs) blocked Under user (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 3 minutes ‎ (wait wait wait i wanna block him too!) 09:01, June 14, 2012 RAHB (talk | contribs) blocked Wllmlos (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Take some time to think about how unfunny you are. Then, try again.) 07:02, June 15, 2012 Romartus (talk | contribs) blocked 90.215.54.206 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Intimidating behaviour/harassment: This isn't Facebook.) 01:09, June 20, 2012 Xamralco (talk | contribs) blocked JoeSimmons (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (BIG TITTIES) 00:59, June 18, 2012 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (talk | contribs) blocked Cajek (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 hour ‎ (I saw your name and couldn't resist.) Biopic of the Week It's time for biopic of the week! This week the user we are "featuring" is none other that "Featured User". Now let me entertain you with a small amount of information shamelessly taken from his user page and ruthlessly put into my own words. Featured User was created in September 2011. There you go, wasn't that interesting? Featured User has created a number of splendid articles since then and remains something of an enigma, hardly speaking, hardly appearing but writing contest winning articles and winning awards when he does. He's like me in a dream I once had, where nobody hated me. FU, as you can call him should he annoy you, hasn't been seen since March which leads the UnSignpost to have a deep deep affinity with him. Let us all hope for his swift return perhaps, when he does, he can save us from ourselves. Old School FA Water Polo... With Sharks! is the hardest game to play, bar none. The sport is exactly the same as regular water polo, but with sharks. The Sharks are not aligned on either of the two competing teams, nor are they their own team, they are just thrown into the pool to add some spice, zest, and lethal danger into what would otherwise be a bland and inconsequential game of water polo. Although extremely difficult, and with a low survival rate, it's a great way to get yourself a scholarship to college. It is also notable for having the least-qualified and worst referees of any sport ever. Newsroom UnTune of the week GloriAAA! Complaints Corner I'd like to complain about the state of affairs in this hotel's tea room. The smell is unbearable in here. There's too much light let in from outside, and at night the place is too fecking dark to see whether or not I'm drinking green or black tea. This is very important as I have a theaflavin-3-gallate deficiency that flares up only at 9 o'clock in the morning. You'd this would be okay because that early in the morning I'd be able to see the tea, but the problem lies in the fact that if I have any more tea than fills the deficiency within a 24-hour period, I experience very inconvenient seizures and the temporary loss of ability to control my sexual urges, effectively leaving me twitching around on the ground while repeatedly thrusting my groin into the air, making grunting noises. But I digress. There's a dumpster next to the tea table and it attracts a great deal of local bird-life. All the unpleasant kinds, seagulls, pelicans, crows, what have you. Couldn't attract a nice spotted purple martin, noooooooo. It has to be the disgusting birds attracted to trash. Idiotic. At any rate, in retrospect it doesn't look like this is the tea room at all. I seem to have fallen down the trash chute by accident this morning. Cheerio! -RAHB 00:09, February 11, 2012 (UTC) We're glad you enjoyed your stay at the Bates Motel. We hope you choose to stay with us during next year's uncyclopedia Q&A convention. --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)   01:57, February 13, 2012 (UTC)

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

--ChiefjusticeDS 00:43, June 21, 2012 (UTC)

Stop, drop and roll! It's the UnSignpost!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Your #1 source for Cajek ban jokes!

July 5th, 2012 • Issue 169 • You'd be crazy not to listen!

Reform and change By Chief Pictured: VFS It was the winds of change that wafted through the UnSignpost office this week, at least that's what we assume the smell is. This week's topic of change is the ever popular Vote for Sysops/Sandwiches. What's wrong with it? It's not good enough that's what. VFS has always been something of an old standby for the UnSignpost, it has drama, it has thrills, it has the invariable abuse of power and crushing of dissenting opinions. It has everything that made Uncyclopedia what it is today. With so many positives- did we mention the abuse of power? The drama? With so many positives it is hard to believe that anyone would ever wish to be rid of VFS, but it seems there is always one bold revolutionary desperate to spoil everybody else's fun. This week's bold revolutionary role is played jointly by Saberwolf116 and Lyrithya. Shocking really, after all Lyrithya always seemed so happy with how everything on Uncyclopedia was run and hasn't tried to change a thing since she got here. She favours scrapping VFS altogether and introducing a system similar to that used on Wikipedia. This correspondent would like to share the advice of his estranged father with Lyrithya: "If you like Wikipedia so much why don't you go and live there?". Lyrithya should go and live on wikipedia where her precious '"equality" and "accountability" can exist, she can leave us to fester in our misery, we've been enjoying that for several years. Saberwolf116 meanwhile is a splendid well-meaning fellow who has no idea that it is in fact quicksand full of shards of broken glass that he has unwittingly stepped into. Saberwolf proposes a system similar to a discussion board where everyone discusses and agrees who is the best candidate for the job, they are then appointed and begin doing a splendid job, perhaps while we are all living in Saberwolf's fantasy world we could all visit the Marshmallow planet and grow enormous beards. Saberwolf had this to say about his plans to abolish the voting: "Let's vote", so he is off to a good start. Lyrithya meanwhile proposes that we let people nominate themselves at any time and if they're good enough we make them an administrator, it's a good idea and it works on wikipedia, but so would Aztec human sacrifice if the arbitration committee suggested it. Satan deciding that admin votes should count double in the first round of VFS. Sycamore also appears to be formulating a system based on letting the administrators decide everything until the final stage which the UnSignpost is sure will go down a storm amongst a group who feel that letting administrators' votes count double in the first stage of the current VFS is a breathtaking abuse of position and power, which can only have been instituted on the instruction of Satan and his demonic minions. The discussion continues on the forum, though based on the current state of affairs you are unlikely to be made an administrator unless your mum is "ghey", which means RAHB is safer than anybody. On a lighter note Qzekrom suggests an article feedback tool be added to the bottom of articles so people can rate the article, some may remember we scrapped a scoring system for articles because "Nobody ever uses the thing". Anybody wishing to let an author know about the ghey-ness of their mum or how terrible their article is are encouraged to make use of the talk page, or have a go at using Pee Review, that's why most people use it. PLSURPRISE! By Chief Yes, the Poo Lit Surprise competition has concluded. There was a tremendous amount of ceremony as Zombiebaron closed the competition having completed all his adding up. It was something of a news item in of itself that there were no ties and a clear winner was found in every single category. The grand champion was Modusoperandi who wrote a splendid article about the Slender Loris. You should read it, you should vote for it. You should vote for everything and anything. The competition runner-up was Thekillerfroggy who successfully came second more than everybody else. He must be very proud. He wrote HowTo:Meet women, which is quite ironic when you think about it, he also wrote Freezer, which isn't ironic, even if you think about it. You should nominate these articles and then vote on them. Shabidoo's retro week idea that we thoroughly ridiculed the other week sits sickeningly on the Village Dump flaunting its garish imagery and mocking the forum's otherwise sombre tone. This forum still exists despite the issue it was created to challenge having been resolved, though it does seem to be nearing the record for the most votes on a single forum topic. Finally, the top 3 of the month has moved to the forum because it is easier to vote on it by phone. If we are altering things to make them easier to edit from a phone we should probably move the entire wiki into a forum. Happy Thursday!

Check out these pages! You don't! It does! Vote! Boat! From our logs: 05:22, July 4, 2012 Modusoperandi (talk | contribs) blocked 68.63.193.235 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (he eat fat dicks too hahhhhaaahha niches this shit is fake and the booze who wrote can a fat ass dick like their mother hahah) 11:13, June 30, 2012 Black flamingo11 (talk | contribs) blocked 90.208.52.194 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (Please don't revert people unless you are sure you are better than them.) 17:45, June 29, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked 24.113.223.122 (talk) with an expiry time of 3 months ‎ (Blanking is 4kids. HAHAHA YOU SEE WHAT I DID?? I MADE A FUNNY!) 05:36, July 3, 2012 Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 minute ‎ (VANBALISANG DA MANE PAGE) 17:53, June 27, 2012 Romartus (talk | contribs) blocked Dragonsheep (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Muck spreading is what farmers do. Are you a farmer?) 19:16, June 25, 2012 Xamralco (talk | contribs) blocked ROMARTUS IS A DIRTY TURD (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (GIANT BALLS) Biopic of the Week Hello! This week the biopic of the week is devoted to a set of stairs and a Jewish man. Yes, it's Staircase, a user who hasn't been seen since April 2010! A small number of you might remember Staircase for his articles and his touching up of your inner thighs. He won awards and I miss him. He never really knew me, he probably didn't know you but the wiki is a worse place place for the lack of him. I also miss Mordillo, I miss his Jewishness and his not-permitting-that-sort-of-thingness. He was a splendid fellow and he wrote good articles, plus he agreed with me, nobody does that any more. A moment please for two of our gayest and best. May they bring their own brand of humour and sexual perversion to whichever caring institution has the honour of housing them in their retirement. Old-school FA Henchmen are the missing link between the super evil and the rest of us. No task is too menial or monotonous for them. They don't talk much but they think fast. Henchmen are the vital cogs in the massive gearwork that is the wristwatch of the villain. Without them, his wristwatch would only be right twice a day. And villains need to be able tell time accurately all day. They are the villain's last and greatest line of defense - well, after the laser cannon that they built on the moon, the nuclear warhead and the escape pod, of course. The life of a henchman is sweet indeed- danger, beautiful women, a really good dental plan... who wouldn't want to be a henchman? Newsroom UnTune of the week 7 Shits Woof The UnSignpost Dog reminds all readers of the importance of symmetry. That is all.

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--ChiefjusticeDS 08:16, July 5, 2012 (UTC)

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July 19th, 2012 • Issue 170 • Got Wood?

Fancy a Bone? By Chief Everybody loves horrendous drawings of genitals! "The latest meme is Template:Boner." Qzekrom blared into the press room last Thursday. We here in the UnSignpost office were absolutely beside ourselves, if we wanted people to tell us the news we'd open a hotline, a suggestion precluded by our lack of a phone, money or staff. So it came down to a straight choice between considering the reaction and the effect of the new MediaWiki Upgrade and the featuring of a template whose entirety is a very poor drawing of a penis. Naturally, we chose the one that included the smallest amount of penis: Template:Boner. This template is apparently the best thing since sliced bread, and you can use it in practically the same ways; you can spread it with butter and serve it to your friends as a surprise, you can dunk it into egg and, most importantly, consume it with jam. The template stormed to feature status with 23 votes for, which, coincidentally is the same number of votes cast on VFH throughout the whole of March. Nothing it seems mobilises Uncyclopedians better than a penis. The size of the penis in the template may account somewhat for its popularity*. Qzekrom does have a point, and a worrying obsession with css and javascript and all those uninteresting things whose only real function is to produce unnecessary work like page editing and the graphical interface. If you share these interests then you can easily head to one of the many forums he has created to discuss them, if on the other hand you are short on time because of the job you have to go to and be miserable at for fifty hours a week then you can always go to VFH and vote one of of the many penis related articles that Uncyclopedia has to offer. The UnSignpost Dog loves a bone The VFH vote is being called "The third most rigged VFH in the history of Uncyclopedia", losing out to some votes that were actually rigged one must assume. Anybody wishing to rig their own vote has only to head onto IRC and start asking if anybody is "up for lulz" today and then simply pitching their idea as "This great thing I found". If you are struggling then feel free to ask Frosty who is the mastermind behind the present craze for boners. Not that anybody is particularly surprised. Have a bonerific week! *Readers are invited to interpret this statement however they like. A Song of Ice and Fire By Scofield Isn't that the story of the human heart? The fight between fear and passion, between kindness and meanness, between pwn3d and pwnz0r? It's always two forces, at constant war with one another, until the heart stops beating. But then again, it is but one heart amongst many, and so the war goes on for years and years, with ice winning and then losing, and then fire winning, and then losing. And the efforts of the great men who built this wonderful civilization before us have always striven to achieve the balance between these ubiquitous opposites. For ice shall freeze us, and fire shall burn us, but the middle component, the in-between, nourishes us. And the in-between component I speak of, is water. We always speak of following the middle path, of moderation, of not going to extremes. Well, water is the epitome of moderation! How queer is it, that if you heat a bucket of ice over fire you get water, but only if the ice is heated IN MODERATION! Indeed, water has always given us the best of both worlds! When ice was melted by the fire from the sun, the resultant water ended up becoming the very medium in which the first living organisms thrived! Is it a coincidence that even after all these years of evolution and extinction, 70% of the body weight of man is still water? Is it a coincidence that no living being (except for dormant-ass seedlings) can survive for long without a regular hit of H2O to keep it alive? I think not. Water is always straddling the middle path between ice and fire. Unlike ice, we can swallow it without it clogging our windpipe, and unlike fire, it won't burn our dear skin if we touch it. And water always nourishes us, keeps us alive and well! We all rose from the water, and to the water returns all our piss and shit! People have always wondered, what is the middle path? What is the balance we all seek? I say, the balance is water. The middle path is water! The answer to all conflicts and dilemmas that plague our life- is WATER!

Check out these pages! A serious problem It's boring Vote and so on I prefer: HURGLAAAAAAAAAAAAAB Are you? From our logs: 21:47, July 17, 2012 Romartus (talk | contribs) blocked Uncyclopediasucks69 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Unacceptable username) 06:51, July 17, 2012 Electrified mocha chinchilla (talk | contribs) blocked 71.179.95.227 (talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (Penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis penis.) 01:03, July 6, 2012 Xamralco (talk | contribs) blocked Abrabudallah (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (YOU HURT ABUSE FILTER'S FEELINGS) 08:43, July 10, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked 99.103.84.134 (talk) with an expiry time of 3 Days (Blanker. Now, because of you, a block that could have been used on a starving African child is being wasted. For shame.) 19:30, July 9, 2012 Thekillerfroggy (talk | contribs) blocked 71.245.83.21 (talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (thou shalt not tarnish the dead's pregnancy fetish stash) 00:16, July 11, 2012 Xamralco (talk | contribs) blocked Thekillerfroggy (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (He's a frog lol ;)) Biopic of the Week Not many people get a biopic in the UnSignpost. Actually that's a lie, everybody does, though we maintain the hilarious façade that we can't biopic everybody because of the long queue of people we have awaiting a biopic. In reality the main cause for the lack of a biopic are the crippling inadequacies of the UnSignpost staff. After that tremendously complimentary opening Saberwolf116 is onto biopic number two. The older of you may remember Saberwolf from before his year and a half hiatus, pee reviewer, article voter and an all round splendid fellow, otherwise known as a poopsmith. To be serious for a moment (brace yourselves) while he probably doesn't know it he has been an inspiration to many of his fellow Uncyclopedians, on Pee Review and beyond. He has showed, by example, how to apply oneself to a task and how to function well within this community. He is a model Uncyclopedian and you should do your utmost follow his example, except for the parts where he screws things up and causes everybody to hate him. Saberwolf116 everybody, I hear his penis is very impressive. Old-school FA Sock Puppetry, or the assumption of multiple online personalities, is a growing phenomenon in anonymous online communities such as public blogs, commentable news-info sites, and "wikis." The more popular and extensive Wikis (such as Wikipedia, Uncyclopedia, and Memory Alpha) present an unusually fertile ground for various forms of sock puppetry, since the community interactions within a wiki site are vastly more complex than in other anonymous online communities. Newsroom UnTune of the week Uncyclopedia Didn't Start The Fire

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July 26th, 2012 • Issue 171 • Proudly supporting editorial independence whenever the board say it's okay

Painting by Numbers By 98.197.156.96 Numbers can shag the sheep, but it isn't any fun. This week some of Uncyclopedia's greatest and not so great have spent some time watching Uncyclopedia pass by without them. This is the news that Wikia has taken the momentous decision to lock out the vast majority of the active administrators and half the users. Problems began at 11:20 UTC on the 24th of July when Socky discovered that he was unable to access a few select features of his account; logging in being the most obvious. Banished to the realm of numbers Socky went to the forums and told everyone else. It soon became apparent that nobody could log in, except for Bizzeebeever, who "made the software his bitch" by pressing the log in button more than even wikia had anticipated. As everyone sat on the forum and debated just how angry and indignant this news should make them, a wikia representative was dispatched to the forum to pour oil on troubled waters, suggesting that Uncyclopedians "Return to causing world suffering or burning me in effigy". But burning effigies of Wikia staff members would have to wait as it became evident that, following the initial lock out of everybody, the adminstrator database had somehow been lost when it was being carried to a new building, or something like that. The administrator magic then gushed into the ground and caused a giant peach to grow outside Wikia headquarters. Pictured: The administrative database This condemned the administrators to a long evening of moaning on the Uncyclopedia IRC channel, where another Wikia representative awaited with nothing but a can do attitude and a lack of information about the problem to ensure that everybody remained as irritated as possible. Even worse than that, following a great deal of moaning somebody started off UnTrivia, forcing everybody through an evening of anagrams and obscure song lyrics. At the time of going to press only Thekillerfroggy appears to have been able to force his way through the log in procedure to use admin tools while users who could log in took full advantage of the absence of any administrators to fill the forum with appalling alternatives to fixing the problem. It would seem that, at present, the only solution is to make a new account and then curry favour with TKF, the only way to do this being fellatio or copious helpings of wang. 13.145.208.87 had this to say about the outage: "Zombiebaron.... FU WIKIA". 67.173.252.79 reported a similar feeling saying "Ahahahahahahahahah...god dammit, why can't I log in?". As we enter a second day with all the admins locked out something novel occurs to me; I can watch Uncyclopedia, and I can shag the sheep, but I don't want to if nobody knows it was me. Loramycetaceae of Ipswich By Socky Loramycetaceae of Ipswich do lorikeets while sitting amidst consecrators a-disciplining the elite. My gonads' dictum ipsilaterally saps your mom. Nullification of the masses accretes the Nibelungen's pretty umpty temperament. Done accelerating liberation. Done cunting shit amidst nisin from a pedo auctioneer named Hendrik. Protein from Trisha's antique rises into risus sardonicus. Doodlebugs' necks beget a menu with fetus. Protein exposure lectures quip Magdalena Corvallis, files nisei fermenter magma, nut amputate diam denim ac tulles. Groin peed. Coned a joust ac oleo perambulator lacing. In presidium collision purls. Letitia venations, nils veal consenter plenteousness, orcas mi male Tussuad urns, veil tempoes nuns est at gurus. Nascence volute. Vivacious Yul trices. Crays portrait offends libeler. Nuns mi amass, collisional veal, dissimilar quips, volute vitae, nuns. Done consequent. Coned congruent peed sit meat denim. Duelist pulmonary ants. Nuns consecrate tether. Done cactus cum, qualm sit mate pulp Tate oculists, just libeler various purrs, seed biennium Turpin purls beget Loramycetaceae. Quizzes we equine dew, Budapest neck, male Tussuad veld, fermentation in, odors. Phallus invites torpor. Integer neck elicit. Nam vitae felts vile Loramycetaceae lacerate Hendrik. Present ornate. Loramycetaceae of Ipswich dolor sit meat, conch secreter a-discoing lite. Sunlamp Isis. Plenteousness vaccinial volute arch. Bisque non nun. In ornate commodity venality. Swed nun rises, gravid at, concuss id, tempts you, Sulla. Phallus is lacking, commodore sled, incident pulmonary, facilitates Vella, Nissie. Vivacious Budapest. Noella enigma. Donne portal Allison dolor. Groin non Maurise. Letitia Loramycetaceae urns, vestibular eat, aliquot vitae, suspicious neck, tulles. Letitia so dales diam egret equine tempos aorta. In ult rices Dolores. Also, I can log in again! Hurrah!

Check out these pages! Zorks! Awkward WikiEd is silly YAWN! That's so retro From our logs: 10:24, July 23, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 124.148.242.53 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (I will certainly duel you good sir kni- AHAHAHAHA SNEAK STABBAN ATTACK! I WIN!) 05:17, July 24, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked EugeneKay (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 96874 seconds ‎ (Begged for it. Pathetically. With fellatio. Which was respectable, but still rather pathetic.) 00:18, July 24, 2012 Xamralco (Talk | contribs) blocked 69.115.48.5 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Are you hitting on me?) 06:47, July 21, 2012 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Adhans (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (with this month off you can maybe find the time to draft one article with fifty words instead of the other way around) 17:14, July 23, 2012 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked 213.198.208.29 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (Literal wanker.) 06:43, July 20, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 58.178.153.139 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Before you make your next edit, consider this: Your last few got you banned for a week.) Biopic of the Week What can you say about GEORGIEGIBBONS that he has not said already? Especially as he has already said that he is an asshole. You might not see GEORGIEGIBBONS around the wiki as he is a hopeless timewaster, or IRC user as we normally call them. He does however do a fair bit of recent changes patrolling and votes on VFH when begged to do so. One of his main claims to fame is having the worst internet connection out of everyone in IRC, a title he regularly competes for with ChiefjusticeDS who connects with a Nokia N-Gage. A big positive with GEORGIEGIBBONS, besides the seconds you save by not having to switch off caps lock to type his username, is that he rarely involves himself in drama and it would be splendid to see him editing the wiki a bit more rather than hanging out in IRC lynching other Uncyclopedians and solving anagrams. He's an asshole that way. Wordˢ̭ of the week, provided by: PuppyOnTheRadio Erotic Using a feather as part of love-making Kinky Using the rest of the chicken Newsroom UnTune of the week I Kissed a Girl (And I Threw Up)

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August 9th, 2012 • Issue 172 • You need to know stuff to be biased!

The state of the Wiki: Summer 2012 By Chief The biggest news of the week this week is that there isn't any news whatsoever, sure there are a few forums in the dump that promise to radically shake up the way everyone edits Uncyclopedia, or at least change it slightly. But for the most part there is no news, which always comes as a great relief to everyone in the UnSignpost office as it means that we can spend this week drivelling about pointless minutia and thus crawl that one vital step closer to death. The state of the wiki is this: nobody is voting for half of the monthly awards. This is naturally a cause of great concern for everybody, the prevailing feeling being that somebody should be nominating and voting for people on these awards, but we'd rather it wasn't us. Nobody is happy with the current VFS system, but nobody can agree on anything to change it to, so the current VFS system has remained with he proviso that everyone sneer about how unfair it is every time it is used. This periodical has already chronicled the appalling miscarriage of justice that allows administrators extra votes on VFS so it with an air of surprise that the UnSignpost can now bring to you a proposal to let administrators run everything. Uncyclopedia's 29th wordy controversy filled blockbuster of the year suggests that the admins run everything because they are the most thorough and most experienced users, the voting section of the same forum being filled with comments from admins saying "Tl;dr" and "I can't be bothered to read your entire essay", hand these splendid fellows the keys to city immediately, the UnSignpost implores you to entrust the administrative body with any nuclear codes or state secrets you might have, safe in the knowledge that they will never ever be looked at. Pictured: This week's admin work schedule Thekillerfroggy has solved the problems of the Worst 100 list by skipping 60 reflections and justifying it with a cliché, absolutely nobody notices and continues adding reflections about themselves and why they are adding a reflection to the list. Modusoperandi adds an actual reflection to the list causing the universe to begin collapsing in upon itself. The final and most grave piece of news is that Uncyclopedia is critically low in images of boobs, totalling only 634 pictures in the boob images category, now either some of you aren't correctly categorising your images of boobs, or there is a serious problem. Socky, who long ago took on the arduous and time consuming task of auditing the boob images category said "How I wank on audit the images properly if they are incorrectly categorised? Please don't keep your not safe for work images to yourself. Categorise them and thus share them with the world!". Uncyclopedia Needs More Vandals By One Step Away From Copyright Violation The UnSignpost editorial staff trying out some vandalism Yeah, you heard me, <insert name here>. Uncyclopedia needs more vandals. Why, you may ask. Why would we need more annoying basement-dwellers to ban? Well, I'll tell you. As all of you may have noticed, Uncyclopedia has been going through some inactivity lately, to the point where users who haven't signed on since who knows when are becoming more active on the site than users who check the website everyday. It seems our competitor has been gaining more activity than us, and we can't let that happen, now can we? There's only one way to get our activity back up: recruit vandals. Most vandals are EDiots anyway (of course, the best vandals are admins), so if we attract some vandals here, maybe they'll attract some more writers! And... er... Second thought, we don't need more vandals. Vandals suck and they should die.

Check out these pages! Why aren't we voting on this? Whales! What's yours? Read this! This is a terrible idea From our logs: 17:50, August 1, 2012 Lyrithya (talk | contribs) blocked 109.152.200.136 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (The cat said you were evil. ) 01:06, July 31, 2012 RAHB (talk | contribs) blocked Waltdisneyfan999 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (I can't trust Mr-ex to form a coherent sentence most of the time, but I can generally trust his transcendent knowledge of trolls and sockpuppets.) 10:05, August 6, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked Lmarine0510 (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Whenever you add a shock image to a page on Uncyclopedia God sets fire to a school bus) 06:37, August 4, 2012 RAHB (talk | contribs) blocked 108.59.252.58 (talk) with an expiry time of infinite (LOLDONGS) 12:51, August 8, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked 95.0.200.42 (talk) with an expiry time of 2 hours (Creating shite pages, I got banned for that once.) Service outage of the Week So the UnSignpost delivery schedule is in something of a state of flux at the moment, it arrives every two weeks and then it arrives weekly. This is an intolerable state of affairs and you all deserve an explanation. It's all your fault for not writing splendid articles that we can use to fill up the gaping white space that confronts us every single week. Why not write a splendid article that can be placed into the UnSignpost, thus freeing up our editor's busy schedule and allowing him to spend less time slaving away at his keyboard and more time windsurfing with foreign dignitaries. Old-school FA Adobe Potatochop CS4 is the industry standard software for chip production amongst chip shops the length and breadth of England. Available with a number of plug-ins, including the most recent 'extra crispy' update, it is, along with Adobe Suppersready and Adobe Fritolayers, one of Adobe's most well known pieces of software. Released first in the United States, it is currently available for Pringles XP and Pringles Vista under the slogan "Once you chop, you can't stop" and also for Apple Mac as CS4 (Chip Shop 4). Newsroom UnTune of the week Bobby Brown Goes Down (PMRC Edition)

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The Newspaper the Whole Family Must Enjoy!

August 23rd, 2012 • Issue 173 • One periodical to rule them all...

Don't mention the merger By Chief Simsilikesims visits UnScripts Playwright of the Month the wastelands. The UnSignpost office is always busy, the phones ringing, the journalists writing, the constant clamouring of eager interview candidates and our editor daydreaming all of the above into existence. If anyone else came through the office every week there wouldn't be room for the crippling loneliness that forms such a massive part of our lives. The same, alas, cannot be said for UnBooks Author of the Month and UnScripts Playwright of the Month whose complete lack of any activity has resulted in them both being rolled into writer of the month. Why is this news? Because it means less voting and if there's less voting there must be less democracy, that's just common sense. Responsible for this dastardly plot is none other than Simsilikesims, you all know Simsilikesims, she's the person who wrote the content warning which we now see approximately six times a day. If you didn't know how content warnings worked before you definitely do now. Simsilikesims has had a number of these good ideas and it's likely that shortly we shall see her malevolent intent, possibly in the form of combining the UnTunes namespace with the mainspace because not enough people are singing their articles in the style of Dragonforce or however it is those people who don't understand magnetic fields sing their songs. What would an intolerable loss of the right of Uncyclopedians to let parts of the wiki fall into a state of abandonment and disrepair be without Thekillerfroggy to swing the hammer of despair? Hoping nobody would notice TKF also decided to smite Reviewer of the Month into the ether. RotM is an award that literally nobody was ever interested in... It's also the only award I've ever won twice, so don't mind me, I'll just be over here sobbing while I look through the archives of the first award I ever won... The Caped Crusader considering an update to the latest UnNews template In other news Mattsnow has stepped down as UnNews' biggest cheese. The war to replace him is now on, the choice being between GlobalTourniquet and a machine who will plaster something onto the front page every so often, a machine and nobody at all. We here in the UnSignpost office haven't quite decided which we prefer and have ultimately decided to vote for Batman instead. Batman has a grappling hook to reach hard-to-reach places, sneaks around wearing leather and is a complete social retard while he's doing the job, in other words he's perfect for the position. If he can save Gotham from the Joker then we have absolute confidence in his ability to read articles and then put them in a template on a fairly regular basis. Do you have an opinion? Too bad, because you don't get a say; GlobalTourniquet started doing the whole thing last Saturday. Happy Thursday! The feature feature By Chief Don't make Thekillerfroggy knock down your ceiling... "VFH sucks right now." proclaims the banner that greets all visitors to the VFH page. We've all seen it, probably whilst passing through and very pointedly not visiting VFP which is now beginning to resemble the immediate aftermath of a Nuclear event. However, this reporter has come up with an alternative explanation: it isn't VFH that sucks, it's all of you, and by extension all of us, which also happens to be all of me. Uncyclopedians, famous for their flame wars and constant douchebaggery seem to have come to the conclusion that when on VFH that it's better not to vote than to disagree. What else could account for the 15 plus voter turnout for articles that we all agree are fantastically well written/crafted, while articles which may well be of high quality, but bear the title "UnNews:Politicians politicise the filing system of plumbing the South-Eastern region of the Ukraine" struggle along, accruing 7 votes for before sitting on the feature queue until they die of old age. This alongside the fact that people can't be bothered means Thekillerfroggy is beside himself at the state of things. Why TKF? Because he seem to have appointed himself supreme worrier in-chief for VFH and is executing that duty by slapping increasingly urgent messages onto the page. "DON'T MAKE ME PUT IN CAPITALS" twitched Thekillerfroggy when approached by the UnSignpost about the latest message. ... Or expose you to ionising radiation How do we fix this? Voting, obviously, but it's more than that. Yes, you might only have time to vote on just one article, yes you are probably more likely to enjoy the article with 20 votes than 5, but unless you vote the articles with 5 votes will never have 20. There are lots of articles to vote on, but you have ages to do it in! This article has been there for a month and has managed 10 votes. Twitter managed 17 in 5 days! Are you people pulling our balls? Don't make us use the awe inspiring powers of caps lock to get our way, VOTE NOW!

Check out these pages! Still going Tweet tweet We're famous! Teh feechur Q Nobody Cares From our logs: 15:41, August 15, 2012 Hotadmin4u69 (talk | contribs) blocked 83.146.246.120 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (You are such a good contributor that I am giving you the next week off to find Jesus.) 15:43, August 12, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked 198.228.200.154 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (Incorrectly adding ICU tags and generally taking it up the arse like a champ) 09:51, August 21, 2012 Romartus (talk | contribs) blocked 71.129.63.113 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (I think you need to lie down for a week after producing that noble effort. ) 03:11, August 14, 2012 Lee Harvey Osmond (talk | contribs) blocked WONDER WANDAL (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (but ur like, rly rly dum) 16:44, August 9, 2012 Thekillerfroggy (talk | contribs) blocked Imrealized (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ("this is stupid" your profound criticism is valid and necessary, where's your pulitzer dude???) 22:04, August 17, 2012 Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) blocked Mohamed loves hot canadian (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months (Suicide is painless, but it brings on many changes) 06:16, August 20, 2012 Hotadmin4u69 (talk | contribs) blocked Tauhid (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours (Leave that picture alone. And don't revert admins. And suck me dry.) Biopic of the Week I was in two minds about the biopic this week. One of my minds wanted to biopic a picture of the UnSignpost dog or how much I enjoy cutting corners by filling sections of the UnSignpost with pictures of a dog, the other wanted to biopic a real person with a pancreas. So congratulations Snippy, you win the biopic on the basis that you actually exist. Snippy is one of those suspicious fellows who we all suspect has done all this before. He's funny, an immediate danger sign, he's polite, another danger sign and, most damning of all he's competent. Naturally Uncyclopedia has welcomed him with open arms, a noob of the moment nomination and constant accusations that he is somebody's sockpuppet. All of you who haven't met him yet should swing by his talk page and say hello, read his Minecraft article and vote for him on Noob of the Moment. Be sure to discourage him from such displays of competence in future, or we'll have to ban him out of principle. We'll probably return to the biopics of traffic cones and imaginary animals in the next UnSignpost, so no need to be concerned that we're upping our game. Old-school FA Aesop's Fables are a collection of moral tales by Aesop, who is some old, dead, Greek guy. These fables use interesting stories, which feature English-speaking animals as the character base, to get across a moral. They were written to be relevant and meaningful to children who could relate to the various stereotypes the animals symbolized. Aesop wrote his stories in this manner because he was inarticulate and couldn't just get to the point. I had a collection of fables when I was younger, and you know what it taught me? Not a goddamn thing! Newsroom UnTune of the week Congressman in Drag Hammer Time!

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~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) 08:25, August 23, 2012 (UTC)

ZOMG

you edited :O ~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) 10:43, August 30, 2012 (UTC)

I have. --POP!GoesTheWeasel 11:00, August 30, 2012 (UTC)

Set phasers to frag! It's the UnSignpost!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That Contains Neither News Nor Paper.

September 6th, 2012 • Issue 174 • When we were your age, this was all fields...

My "coming out" By Chief This story is exceptionally gay Hey girlfriends! This week the UnSignpost puts the "Queen" in "Drama Queen" as it discusses the issues which are literally the bomb. The biggest bomb this week, besides how darling our UnSignpost correspondents look in their new outfits, is that Zombiebaron wants the wiki to improve, this means deleting most of it and playing trivia on IRC. The bigger news is that PoofyOnTheRadio also wants the wiki to improve, this means not playing trivia on IRC and sending editors out onto the internet in order to sell their bodies to Google in the hopes that this will increase traffic to the wiki. These squabbles are ultimately self-defeating, while we are arguing amongst ourselves whether or not we ought to change the beginner's guide into an 20 minute video and a fireworks display we still haven't managed to do anything. What we have decided is that articles can be deleted with less than 5 votes to delete and that RAHB is very good at trivia if nothing else. The other big news from weeks ago is that Mattsnow has stopped being in charge of UnNews after a period of however long it is he has been doing that. Shabidoo who loves to do "zany" stuff so he can get into the UnSignpost, has created an extra forum to ensure that absolutely nobody thanks Mattsnow and instead demonstrates just how hilarious they are. Congratulations to Zombiebaron who came out with the completely obvious joke before anyone else. Finally GlobalTourniquet, the new UnNews Quasar (by appointment of himself) is open to criticism... and penis, lol. VFHarassment By Chief There's nobody here... Remember the heady days of two weeks ago when we told you all to feel very bad because VFH didn't have enough nominations. Well forget that because now it does and we can move our sensationalist bandwagon elsewhere. Where better to send it than Pee review, currently known as the namespace that isn't a namespace that time forgot. Five reviews for the entire month of August demonstrates that nobody really seems particularly interested in assisting the review process. It might take a little while to do a Pee Review but there is a reason we have the space. It is of particular concern as we have a list of people who are supposed to be doing reviews at least once a month, myself included. Where are we? Who knows, but we certainly aren't perusing the list of articles awaiting review. Let's go over there! Let's bring Thekillerfroggy who can put a stern template at the top of the page and insist that this is hugely important to the wiki, guess what.... IT IS!!! Also there is likely to be a new VFS this month, bring on the voting, it makes everything better! REVIEW SOMETHING YOU BUNCH OF SLACKERS! Why, again, are we counting to a million? By One Step Away From Copyright Violation A tremendous waste of everybody's time please Carol Ever since 2008, Uncyclopedia has had a tradition of counting to a million. Started by Spang, this tradition has been going on for nearly five years. However, recently the question was asked relating to the value of the forum, with users complaining that it was "completely devoid of humor" and that it turns smart users into idiots. After mass protest (okay, not really) from the contributors of the thread and from someone else, said users commented on the forum saying that counting to a million is why so many articles supposedly suck nowadays and it's also why VFH is completely empty. It has also been stated that only idiots would do it. So now I'm attempting to answer it as quickly as I can: that's the point. We're idiots and we know that we're never going to make it to a million, but we want to see how close we can get anyway. So if you are the type of idiot that would write for Uncyclopedia, feel free to assist us in our count to one million, or close to.

Check out these pages! Tweet tweet Candy Girls! VFS!! The real VFS link From our logs: 03:08, August 30, 2012 Lee Harvey Osmond (talk | contribs) blocked 95.233.217.65 (talk) with an expiry time of infinite (if i were confident that you understood english, i'd say something naughty) 21:56, August 29, 2012 ChiefjusticeDS (talk | contribs) blocked 212.183.128.49 (talk) with an expiry time of 3 days (Caring about football... that's actually a life sentence when you think about it.) 00:03, August 30, 2012 RAHB (talk | contribs) blocked 76.178.53.110 (talk) with an expiry time of 3 months (Stay away from theatres, you thespian!) 19:02, September 3, 2012 RAHB (talk | contribs) blocked 86.151.117.175 (talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (lol blacks. They're almost as bad as Jews.) 02:32, August 29, 2012 Xamralco (talk | contribs) blocked Roccohene (talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite (Gambling is a sin, but Jesus still loves you. Visit your local church and repent today!) Biopic of the Week We haven't put the UnSignpost Dog in the UnSignpost for ages, so now we have. Old-school FA Since the dawn of time, Man has been responsible for creating his own entertainment. The ingenuity of the human mind has given us cock fighting, badger baiting, pogroms and, most consistently popular, WAR. Rarely has there been a time when man has not taken pleasure from smiting other men with the jaw-bone of an ass, or amused his friends by firing Phosphorus missiles into crowded population centres. But not all wars are the same, so just which wars did we enjoy the most? Over the centuries Historians have struggled to find consensus on just how to measure the popularity of wars and this dispute itself led to the so called “Wussy War” of 1952 when Professor AJP Taylor triumphed over the forces of Noam Chomsky. Newsroom UnTune of the week Piano Ballad

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--ChiefjusticeDS 10:52, September 6, 2012 (UTC)

Extra! Extra! News that's not new to you!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper With No Ambitions, Goals, Hopes or Dreams!

Nov 20rd, 2012 • Issue 175 • The edition that's black and white and dead all over

We are all doomed, and it's Wikia's fault By Bizzeebeever Shown: Wikia It's been a quiet four months at Uncyclopedia, our hometown, out here on the edge of the prairie, and it's not just because Wikia have murdered everyone and are currently bathing in golden tubs filled with their blood. It seems Uncyclopedia has lost more users than John Travolta has lost gerbils up his own butt, but fear not, Uncyclopedians-who-have-been-here-less-than-one-month! Long-time wunderkind and beloved administrator Frosty (sorry, are we laying it on too thickly?) has a plan to save us, and it involves... getting himself run over by a car. Ha ha! Actually, he posted a forum topic, accompanied by a vote, because that's what Uncyclopedians do in times of crisis, and it always works. Forum:Petitions to make all our users that quit comeback attempts to galvanize Uncyclopedia's remaining users to action by reminding them that we used to have members, Oh! so many members! Most of whom were better than us! Please sign a petition asking them back—sign, you ungrateful todgers, like your lives depend on it—and then email them all on the 14th! In theory, the people receiving said emails will return to Uncyclopedia with smiles on their faces and bliss in their hearts. In practice, however, the plan has been difficult to implement. And by "difficult", we mean "slightly impossible". A frustrated user has narrowed the plan's failure to three causes: Wikia sucks dicks Wikia is Satan Wikia sucks Satan's dick As it turns out, Wikia has limited the number of emails users can send to each other to ONE PER BLOODY DAY, rendering Frosty's scheme to bury our departed users under an avalanche of spam all for naught. As of Monday, November 19, exactly two departed users have been persuaded to return by the campaign, and nobody likes Kakun or Oliphaunte anyway, because they are useless puddles of suckage. It's just as well; most current Uncyclopedians are slightly too drunk to notice that putting a running chainsaw against one's neck is a bad idea, much less understand what the petition is all about. At any rate, if you haven't accidentally decapitated yourself with a chainsaw, do have a look at that forum, and if necessary, make yourself one or two (or forty) sockpuppets, just to spam those long-departed users of ours. The Cabal Wills It.* *(Note: There Is No Cabal) Frosty is dead. By Bizzeebeever Requiscat in pace, Frost-dude. No, you read that wrong, he is just dead inside. Earlier this month, Frosty nearly had the shit murdered out of him by a car. Luckily, as Frosty is a typical Australian teenager, he was protected from serious harm by his protein-based exoskeleton and his thick layer of poisonous, mucosal warts. The car is expected to recover in time for the rematch; in an interview with our correspondent, the car shouted numerous dark threats while leaping onto a turnbuckle and shredding its T-shirt. In the interim, Frosty has been resting comfortably with the aid of codeine, alcohol, and oral favors from the Asian transsexuals arrayed at his feet. "I find Uncyclopedia no longer holds the same draw for me as it did before," said Frosty, "especially since I've been getting oral favours from these Asian transsexuals arrayed at my feet." So weep, all ye who read this, for Frosty has joined the ranks of the undead, despised by God and abhorred by the God-fearing. On the upside: he can now appreciate those movies about sparkly vampires. On the downside: he wants our blood. RUN! Return of the Prodigal Son By Bizzeebeever Hearts and minds were filled with joy last month by the tentative return of beloved Uncyclopedian Bizzeebeever, who became scarce in July, leaving behind a terse apology for "having no money for Internetting". Current Uncyclopedia ghost Lyritha was heard to say "Buckets, remind me who that is, again..." before floating away down a corridor, moaning and rattling chains. Or rather, she would have, if ghosts were real, and if we'd asked her. Bizzeebeever's return is said to augur good tidings for the wiki, even though his current contributions consist of pointless pot-shots at Wikia, and short, pithy remarks left on talk pages, such as "fuck you, I hope you are dead", and "please disregard the previous comment, my penis was caught in a pencil sharpener". He also lurks for hours on IRC, talking and playing UnTrivia by himself. It will surprise no one at all that Bizzeebeever is now the person most accomplished at playing with himself; when we asked Zombiebaron about Bizzeebeever's remarkable dominance of a game that no one else plays, he was heard to remark "Zombiebaron", which our interpreters took to mean "Can someone please ban that guy? I am too lazy to do it myself." We at the Unsignpost do hope that Bizzeebeever holds on to his current position as Head of Quality Assurance at the dildo factory, for we have missed his hilarious forum posts almost as much as we missed his habit of talking himself up in the Unsignpost ...and his limpid blue eyes ...and his silky-soft golden locks ...and the charmingly-gnarled 40 kg tumor jutting from his neck—you know the one, it resembles the offspring of a blood tangerine and a baboon, and contains both hair and teeth...? (That might be his head; we're not sure.) Anyway, yes, we all love Bizzeebeever, and we hope he stays "returned", at least until the judge decides whether to hold him indefinitely, or just chemically castrate him, for the safety of the public. Return of the OTHER Prodigal Son By: Bizzeebeever This past week, another intermittent Uncyclopedia member (and full-time Mensch-in-Chief), TKF, returned to swear at SPIKE; delete articles which had even votes on VFD; ban people; feature an article with one "For" vote, one "Against" vote, and one comment on VFH; and be a generally hilarious excuse for an administrator. We all want to be you when we grow up, TKF!

Check out these pages! Some forum or other Almost forgot about this one... ZOMG NOOOOOO! Morons whining impotently As usual, VOTE YOU FAGS Srsly, somebody should do something about this shit Current op abuse: 04:58, November 6, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Romartus (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Adding yourself to ban patrol (I seroiusly tried very hard not to do this, I SWEAR!)) 10:31, November 17, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Shame on you for hating on Australian films! [DO NOT UNBAN]) 03:00, November 18, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Aimsplode (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 5 years ‎ (Asked to be blocked for 5 seconds, alas I can't spell.) 19:24, November 19, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Nothing can get me ready for a day of school like blocking chief for no reason.) 14:53, December 13, 2024 Famine (Talk | contribs) blocked Everyone (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Wouldn't it be cool if this actually happened (lol)) Biopic of the Week This week's biopic concerns Hipster, who used to be Hypster, who used to be Another n00b, who was ...apparently a doody-headed dildo who pissed off other users by NOT INDENTING COMMENTS PROPERLY and BEING FOURTEEN YEARS OLD. (No, seriously.) A doody-headed dildo who was given his very own section in the Right Honourable Flammable's Bureau of Overreaction, Never-ending Embarrassment and Regret (BONER), shortly before accepting a free ban for life from Zombiebaron. However, the Autist Previously Known As Another_N00b made his return to the wiki via sockpuppet last year, and only just this week was found out...by audaciously admitting who he was, right there on his talk page, for God and all the bourgeoisie to see. Unfortunately for those whose ban-fingers were itching this week, the incorrigible little twit seems intent on becoming a useful member of society, seeking redemption by turning 17, making edits that aren't actually vandalism, and (only occasionally) calling other users "utter fuckwads". He even wished Uncyc admin Frosty a speedy recovery from his car accident with the tremendous words "Exactly how does any of this nonsense affect me and why should I care?" We at the Unsignpost salute Hipster on his freewheeling, brutally honest style, and wish him the best of luck in the forty minutes that will elapse before Frosty drops a uranium banhammer on him. We're rooting for ya, Hipster! Old-School FA A popular defensive measure during the Medieval period, the bouncy castle dissuaded attack by bouncing. Bouncy castles look exactly like static castles, except for the enormous springs concealed in the cellar. As an enemy, such as Goths, Vandals or rabbits approached, castle staff would release the springs causing the entire castle to shoot up into the air, thus saving it from plunder. The first recorded idea for the bouncy castle comes from the notebooks of Leonardo da Vinci. Forward thinking as ever, da Vinci rendered his castle complete with springs, airbags, electric windows, CD player and machine guns to deal with helicopter attacks. Like so many of da Vinci's ideas, however, it was hundreds of hours before anyone put it into practice. Word of the week, provided by: Bizzeebeever Castoreum: \cas*to"re*um\ n. 1. a peculiar bitter orange-brown substance, with strong, penetrating odor, found in two sacs between the anus and external genitals of the beaver. You're welcome. Note: No Uncyclopedia dog this week. As the Unsignpost could no longer afford the Uncyclopedia dog's increasingly ludicrous demands for royalties, he has been made redundant. His relatives have been notified.

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 ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Tue, Nov 20 '12 9:02 (UTC)

The UnSignpost! Cancel Your Subscription Today!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper With No Ambitions, Goals, Hopes or Dreams!

Nov 27, 2012 • Issue 176 • I scream, you scream, we all scream...for painful orgasms

Good news, everybody! We're saved! By: Bizzeebeever No, Uncyclopedia has not gotten religion; it's still full of degenerates, wang vandals, and that scourge of gay men everywhere: uncensored images of boobies. However, it has seen a recent influx of old and new users, most of whom apparently never got the memo about how Uncyclopedia sucks, or how Uncyclopedia is dying, or how Uncyclopedia will be contagious for another six weeks before the amoxicillin starts working. Returning recently like a scorching case of gonorrhea were Meganew (!), Socky, NoNamesLeft (to the everlasting delight of Frosty), and Master of Menageries Comicat1, who took a six-month sabbatical to invent preposterous new animals on the Serengeti. New users include Sinner George, MagicBus, Leverage, Fakehater and Kamek98, who have all taken to editing like ducks take to water—of course proving that they are all sockpuppets of someone, for which they will all be perm-banned, just as soon as Frosty can figure out who. Lastly but not leastly, we celebrate the arrival of the ridiculously competent Murder Frog, who brings expertise on influential musicians of the last century, but, more importantly, has the most awesome name since the Universe itself birthed Captain Machinegun Thunderpants Fuckmaster on a pile of slaughtered tigers. The UnSignpost welcomes them, one and all, and hopes that their tranquilizers don't wear off while they still remember how to leave. Obituary for a friend By: Bizzeebeever Stay classy, Uncyclopedia! Thanksgiving came and went on Uncyclopedia this past week, and while the rest of the world was busy cracking jokes about how Americans really don't need to throw a holiday as an excuse for eating, a certain Uncyclopedia tradition was busy getting beaten, raped, and left for dead in the compost-bin of memory. Yes, we were referring to the Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball; how did you know? For those of you who don't remember, or don't want to remember (we assume that's all of you), the Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball was the once-mighty celebration of sex-, torture- and scat-based humor so debauched and vile that it would shame a London dockside whore, and not a fresh young one, either—one that had been "fucked around the fleet". Sadly, no one even remembered the damn thing until two days before Thanksgiving, and when Uncyclopedia's favorite whipping boy brought up the subject in a forum, he was met by a silence so vast that we assume he fell into it, because we haven't seen him since. Being Kip, though, he'll probably pop back up through a sewer grate somewhere. Swim hard, Kip. The ATDB left no survivors; its limp corpse will be thoroughly sexually abused, its intestines torn apart and worn around necks like Christmas garland, and its remains will be fed to a freshly no-legged midget with a massive dildo rammed up his butt. Damn you, Mhaille and Zombiebaron, you lazy useless fucks. Esoteric bullshit By Editor A certain faithful UnSignpost reader recently noted via electronic signal that the UnSignpost's last edition was both "spam" and "esoteric bullshit". We Here At the UnSignpost™ were, to be frank, shocked and dismayed by this statement, for it was never our intent to be anything but the most outrageously stupid, inane, crass, vulgar, rude, boorish, inbred, brain-dead, emotionally-stunted, anti-literate, fucked-up and all-around retarded puddle of gassy splooge east or west of the Mississippi—or any river, for that matter. In this endeavor, however, it seems we have failed. "Sit and spin, Hotadmin4u69." ~Jesus Yes, someone has beat us to it, and by a wide margin, for he is the undisputed champion of such sculduddery. So we offer up our most heartfelt apology to that reader, who shall remain nameless (it was Hotadmin4u69), and we humbly admit that we stand in awe of his ability to pick the gayest user name possible, not once, but twice. However, while we wish him the best of luck in disentangling his dental retainer from his own scrotum, we would like to remind him of the famous adage, Never quarrel with a man who buys ink by the barrel.

Frosty Sez: "Patrol RecentChanges, fags, 'cuz I'm not doing it anymore." Check out these pages! Yes, it is still going Whoever "snerk" is, he can't keep it in his pants. It is very very important that you know this Our suspicions are finally confirmed. WHY GOD WHY Current op abuse: 02:57, November 19, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked 212.219.142.161 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 years ‎ (Still loving the penis after all these years, huh?) 09:13, November 22, 2012 Romartus (Talk | contribs) blocked 89.207.212.111 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day ‎ (Don't recreate crap. Take a tissue.) 05:49, November 26, 2012 Romartus (Talk | contribs) blocked 202.45.119.19 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Back so soon? And guess what...you're still acting like a twat. I am extending your break Short Trousers.) 20:41, November 27, 2012 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked 68.9.19.97 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 year ‎ (POOP.) Biopic of the Week In this edition of the Weekly Biopic, (gasp gasp...running out of ways to rephrase that!) the UnSignpost is spotlighting one of our newer members, Snippy, who makes silk purses out of sow's ears, reverts morons and vandals like reverting is going out of style, and is liked by one and all. In fact, this past week, Frosty claims he was in Snippy's lovely hometown of Byron Bay, New South Wales, to deliver Snippy's prize for being named Uncyclopedian of the Month: a forceful, lingering kiss on the lips, followed by a random sex act. Congratulations, Snippy, and we hope it only hurt for the first 15 minutes! Now that all your hard work has received recognition by your peers, please get out there and shovel some more shit; you missed a big pile of it. Sorry, our only shovel is broken; you'll have to use your shoes. Pity, they looked like very nice suede. Oh, well. Next week, look for a profile of Leverage! Before he disappears from the site forever, of course. Word of the week, provided by: Bizzeebeever Penis-sheath: An insult comparing the insultee to an article of clothing worn around the Johnson. Neither the insult nor the article of clothing actually existed up until I just now invented them. You're welcome. This Week's Puddle of Random Crap™ On or around this date in 2007, Dr. Skullthumper made the following edit: Added "800px" to an image in Kitten Huffing A quick review of the Good Doctor's edit history shows that, in 2007, he had less of a life than I do now. Thank you for reading This Week's Puddle of Random Crap™! Note: No Uncyclopedia dog this week. UnSignpost management is currently in negotiations with a supplier of illegal fighting dogs to provide a temporary substitute for the late UnSignpost mascot. We will miss you, UnSignpost Dog.

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 ~ BB ~ (T) ~ Thu, Nov 29 '12 5:27 (UTC)

Journalism so yellow it's orange: The UnSignpost

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Telling You Stuff You Already Knew, But With Different Words!

Dec 6th, 2012 • Issue 177 • OH GOD RUN! IT HAS GENITALS, AND IT IS IN SEARCH OF A MATE!

A headline goes here! No, really! By Some guy Because pictures of Santa are gauche, and no one else was going to use this perfectly-good image. Well, it's that time of the month when you realize you've wasted another 30 days in the company of Uncyclopedians, and your wife or girlfriend metamorphoses into a giant man-eating banana and rampages through Kuala Lumpur while screaming about "cramps". But cheer up, Mister Cratchit! Eet's Christmas toime! Yes, time to purchase meaningless junk for people you hate, give freely to homeless assholes who are too lazy to work for their own money, and get drunk with other people you hate, because the economy is in the shitter, and if you ain't buying, you're with the terrorists! And now that I've reminded you of your long-lost Christmas spirit, it's time to remind you of something we like to call "VFS"! Yes, VFS is upon us again, and with it come several calls to op some twit named "Bizzeebeever". We Here At The UnSignpost™ can't think of anything that would benefit the wiki less, unless it was feeding live badgers through a blender inside Wikia's datacenter, or perhaps marking the words "UNCYCLOPEDIA HATES JIMBO" onto a large paper bag, filling it with our own feces, lighting it afire, and dropping it through an open window at the headquarters of the Wikimedia Foundation. Or perhaps renting a hot-air balloon and filling its ballast tanks with liquid sewage and flying over the house of one James Q. Wales, Esq. Or perhaps sacrificing virgins on a beach under a full moon, nude, while blasting Slayer from massive speakers while a Coast Guard boat rakes the sand with machine-gun fire...um, where were we again? Ah, yes! The idiots over at VFS are on about something. You should go vote "no". A very special UnSignpost story By: Bizzeebeever Shown: a man without gin This week, MAJOR NEWS happened, and as usual, our correspondents were on it quicker than Kirstie Alley on a meat sandwich, or a meat pie, or anything made of meat, really. We are happy to report that longtime useless slacker and IRC lurker RAHB checked out a book from a local library! (Please suppress your exclamations of shock and dismay, folks; the neighbors are still complaining about the Coast Guard-assisted virgin sacrifice). When we inquired about RAHB's first foray into intellectual enrichment since his early childhood, he summarized it as follows: “ I checked out a book about Bob Newhart, and also Mark Twain's The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County, and Other Stories ” As you can see, RAHB is a consummate intellectual, and a man among beasts. Stay tuned for next week, folks, when Zombiebaron Hears a Who! Same Bat-Channel, same Bat-Time! A quick note from the editors The last two editions of the UnSignpost, which were the first editions published since the last editor came down with a case of exploding lung-weasels and threw himself off a cliff, contained 150% more fucking swear-words and 6000% more hyperventillating about things which are going to kill us all (such as Wikia, you knew it was going to be Wikia, because fuck Wikia). However, most of the 700 complaints we've received in the last two weeks (all of which were from Hotadmin4u69, and 699 of which included candid shots of his genitals) concerned the lack of the UnSignpost dog, who we cheerfully claimed had been murdered and turned into soup. (If you hadn't noticed, go back and check. We'll wait.) This, of course, was an outrageous and unforgivable ploy on our parts to get your attention, and we apologize for it profusely; we promise never again to threaten or even joke about violence against dogs, especially since the SPCA's hired thugs know where we live. So here you are, folks: this week's edition of this glorious rag will go back to the usual tradition of featuring a charming dog who is in no peril at all: Oops.

Check out these pages! A departed Uncyclopedian's reply to this forum An article about kittens A scholarly treatise on gay sex and the Internet A departed Uncyclopedian's opinion on gay sex and the Internet How Uncyclopedia admins sniff each other's butts: 14:15, December 1, 2012 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week ‎ (Man, I miss you something terrible, rather like a third arm that was finally amputated... <3) 16:32, December 2, 2012 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked RAHB (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 weeks ‎ (acting like the archetype of a perfect admin, and on a completely unrelated note making certain other less active admins look bad) 16:35, December 2, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 74 years ‎ (Exists) 22:49, December 2, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (I am blocking you because you spelt Lead wrong. Seriously what the hell?) 23:44, December 5, 2012 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 12 years ‎ (drinking out of cups/being a bitch) 23:46, December 5, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Does you dick hang low? Does it wobble too and fro?) Biopic of the Week Well, we promised it to you, and now here it is: a biopic of Leverage! Yes, new user Leverage is a right smart fellow, with joy in his heart and fudge in his nappy. Nothing much is known of Leverage except that he might be from Spain "som'eres", unless he's not. You're either an American, or a terrorist, and as Leverage is not American, he's doing his terrorist mother proud by hating Americans with a fervor usually reserved for the entitled children of American middle-class parents. He's even won awards for it! And lest you think last week's profilee, Snippy, is by far the best of Uncyclopedia's new crop of users, ...you'd probably be right, but Leverage gives him a run for his money by actually writing UnNews articles by literally the dozens. Seriously, you can check his user page; they're all there. (Like we're impressed.) We'd nominate him for a Foolizter Prize, but according to beloved Uncyclopedia admin Frosty, "nobody votes on that (homosexual) (feces) anymore," and, sadly, the stats bear him out. Thank you, Leverage, for you tireless perseverance in the face of apathy, and fuck you, Uncyclopedia! Stay tuned for next week's biopic on Sinner George, if he even still edits here! Random Made-Up Statistic of the Week: This issue of the UnSignpost contains 500% more curse words than ChiefjusticeDS's last issue! We will now bow our fucking heads for a motherfucking moment of goddamned silence. This Week's Old-School Actual Wikipedia Article Obviously Lifted Word-For-Word From Uncylopedia: Committee to End Pay Toilets in America "The Committee to End Pay Toilets in America, or CEPTIA, was a 1970s grass-roots political organization which was one of the main forces behind the elimination of pay toilets in many American cities and states. “ When a man's or woman's natural body functions are restricted because he or she doesn't have a piece of change, there is no true freedom. —Ira Gessel ” "Founded in 1970 by then-nineteen year old Ira Gessel, the Committee's purpose was to "eliminate pay toilets in the U.S. through legislation and public pressure." Starting a national crusade to cast away coin-operated commodes, Gessel told newsmen, "You can have a fifty-dollar bill, but if you don't have a dime, that metal box is between you and relief." Membership in the organization cost only $0.25, and members received the Committee's newsletter, the Free Toilet Paper...[more]

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 ~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate) ~ Thu, Dec 6 '12 12:58 (UTC)

Sloppy, falling-apart, and duct-taped-together: the UnSignpost!

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper That Contains Neither News Nor Paper.

Dec 12th, 2012 • Issue 178 • Only wild horses can tear me apart.

Peas offering By Kip Ed. note: in a spasm of Darwinian fish-eat-fish madness, self-described "cock-juggling thunder-cunt" Thekillerfroggy has been riding a white horse with Death following after, especially targeting SPIKE, who, on his own time, has been gnawing the heads off of newbies and IPs alike. Here to comment on the lulz-filled proceedings is our own field-correspondent (yes we have a field correspondent, stop looking at us like that), Kip the Dip: I was asked to write a guest editorial, so let's get this over with. In the spirit of the Christmas and/or Holiday Season, I would like to offer an olive branch of peace. We could all use a little more peace around here. Well, not here, per se, because drama is always welcome amusement for me. More so than in places like the Middle East—the Middle East needs to calm the fuck down and Uncyclopedia needs to be more like the Middle East is what I'm trying to say. Still, drama isn't always amusing. For example, I won't be on the front page next month (I mean, if (point for humility) I win an award) because someone is having a pissy-fit over some bollocks and removed the awards from the front page. In this particular case, we need to pee on the fire, rather than fan the flames. The conflict I'm referring to is between two celebrated users, Thekillerfroggy and SPIKE. The root of this tension stems from the fact that TKF thinks SPIKE is the worst person ever and should leave this site, or at least stop sucking his own dick. Basically, SPIKE is to TKF what Toby is to Michael on The Office. Particularly if there were a British equivalent to Toby. God, that's a good show. Or was. It really blows now. Let me just say that you both have your faults. TKF: You need to stop being a dick, even when it is more hilarious than when it isn't. You appear to be in a drunken rage. I realize it's Hanukkah, but you should really tone it down on the whine. And SPIKE: Well, I just think you're a textbook case of someone who needs to masturbate more. I suggest you start December 25th, when you're having a less-than-sufficient amount of fun reading my holiday-themed articles. Despite these differences, you both have one thing in common: You're Uncyclopedians. And the essence of being an Uncyclopedian is appreciating the art of Comedy. When the world is at its darkest, we rely on the light of humor, parody and satire. Some have said that Uncyclopedia is at its darkest point right now, that our brightest days are far behind. Yet if the annual winter solstice teaches us anything, it's that the brightest days always follow the darkest nights. Or some sugary moral message like that. I mostly just wanted to drop a few horrible puns and get away with insulting you both all over the site. Merry Christmas! Today's date is significant! By Bizzeebeever Because Joey Numbers has his first feature, Wikia are censoring cocks, and it's 12/12/12. That's why, bitches. Shown: classical art, according to Wikia. Uncyclopedia and social nutworking! Do you have a lame sense of humor that is best expressed in 140 characters or less? Do you enjoy ruining the mojo of entire websites? Do you have a tiny penis, or none at all? Then have we got news for you! Those of you who wish to do a better job of misrepresenting Uncyclopedia on all the popular social platforms, including YouBoob, Twatter, Facebutt, StubbleUpon, Porntrest, Cumblr, Spreddit, and all the others, are hereby invited to hit up Hotadmin4u69's talk page, and to do it forthwith, post-haste. Why? Because Hotadmin4u69 runs Uncyclopedia's social networking presenceses...es, all by his lonesome—or at least he did...until now. But he's NOT GONNA TAKE IT, HE'S NOT GONNA TAKE IT, HE'S NOT GONNA TAKE IT, ANYMOOOOOOOOOOOAH! No, seriously, he's going to quit the wiki entirely (as if he hasn't already) if people don't lend him a hand. He loves you all, but you all suck, and it's a thankless task—almost as thankless as writing and delivering this drivel every week.

Check out these pages! Very, very sad, really. Kindly take that language elsewhere, sir. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. From our logs: The ban that started all the fun 03:37, December 10, 2012 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked SPIKE (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 month ‎ (I just swallowed a little bit of my own vomit reading you put down a noob then proceed to suck your own dick for five whole lines of what I presume to be english words) Mad-libs ban: 16:08, December 11, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked 89.207.212.111 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (Hi, I'm Fuck You. I like gay bum sex with You're Banned. And sometimes I like to suck Don't Come Back's fat cock.) Get a room, girls! 01:41, December 10, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 226 hours 37 minutes 45 seconds ‎ (Idling on IRC for this long like a true gay faggot <3) 23:01, December 10, 2012 Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) resurrected Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) (Frosty has both female and male genitals. The more you know.) 23:23, December 10, 2012 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Hold on I've gotta figure out how to deop you before you can unban yourself) 23:24, December 10, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months ‎ (pwnt.) 23:27, December 10, 2012 Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) resurrected Zombiebaron (talk | contribs) (lol obvi i was joking although i agree it will be funnier next time when i deop you before the ban) Biopic of the Week Last week we promised you hookers, rum and flavored spermicide, so here you are. Ha ha ha, just kidding! No, this week's biopic is about Sinner George, whose exceedingly clever user handle is a reference to Saint George, patron saint to all Greeks everywhere, which tells us that he is Greek. As does his user page, and the little flag next to his signature. Unfortunately, we know absolutely nothing else about Sinner George; however, as this has never stopped us from writing a biopic before, we asked our Field Correspondent Kip the Dip to discover some fascinating things about this fascinating newbie. Here's a transcript of our conversation: <Editor> Kip: know anything about sinner george? <Kip> No. <Editor> Make one or two things up. I have a biopic to write! <Kip> He likes Greek food because he's Greek. <Editor> Excellent. <Kip> Also, he's probably hairy. <Editor> Yes, yes, also excellent. So there you have it! Sinner George is (a) new to the 'pedia, (b) Greek, and (c) therefore probably not someone who reads the UnSignpost. Your loss, George! UnSignpost Word of the Week Censorship: see Wikia. (This Section Intentionally Left Blank)

UnSignpost Main Page • Contact the Editors • Sign Up for Delivery • Get the Userbox

-- Kip > Talk • Works • • 14:12, Dec. 12, 2012

Watch your step! It's a steaming-hot pile of UnSignpost

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

In Pure Russian Fashion, The Newspaper That Reads YOU!!

Dec 19th, 2012 • Issue 179 • YOUR JOKE HERE! Contact management for details.

Apocalypse postponed until after NFL playoffs By Editor This week, it was publicly confirmed for the first time that the on-again-off-again Apocalypse has been postponed indefinitely, due to an accumulation of frozen water in and about the subterranean headquarters of Heck, Incorporated. Yes, it appears that Uncyclopedia's dwindling community of degenerates and failed comedy writers (which is literally the same thing, but never mind), having suffered far too long under the Wikian lash of nipple-and-dick censorship, have finally gotten their shit together, and are making a move to new hosting. News of the move came in Uncyclopedia's Village Dump, as part of a nonchalant post by Lyrithya, who returned to the site from her current job as a human spiderweb to stun, confound, and enrage exactly two people with her announcement. When asked why she chose now to de-bag her cat, instead of waiting for a more opportune moment (such as, y'know, after the fucking move actually happened), Lyrithya had this to say: "I was drunk." Salient words, indeed, which show she is an Uncyclopedian through-and-through, and which afford the rest of us an overwhelming sense of confidence in the Uncyclodepia Moving Company. Yes. High-jinks on the farm. However, while We Here At The UnSignpost™ lounge about and poke fun, you may rest assured that the technicians at Up With Uncyclodepia have not been taking it easy. It's been eleven months of back-breaking work out on the wiki farm, getting up at the crack of noon to shovel out the cow coop, milk the chickens, and slap the sheep for indulging in indelicate thoughts. According to an anonymous source at the highest level of Uncyclopedia's labyrinthine network of cabals, the move quite definitely, absolutely, without a doubt, will be happening at some distant point in the very near future, probably maybe, just as soon as all the ducks are lined up in convenient rows so that they can be loaded onto trains and sent to special camps. When we asked what the bloody devil this meant, we were told to shut up and move along, and that there is no cabal, which we admit must be true, as we have heard it so many times. So, to recap: Uncyclopedia is leaving Wikia for greener pastures, and as most things undertaken by Uncyclopedians happen, it will be slap-dash, semi-competent, and will probably result in everyone involved hating each other to the death, hopefully with the assistance of swords, horses, and heavy artillery. Reaction to the news! By: Editor As of press time, the list of Uncyclopedians furious at having been left out of all the fun could not be reached for comment, but are assumed to be boiling with righteous indignation. To make sense of the week's stunning development, we were able to get hold of an expert on all things frozen and hellish: Sumerian demon-king and devil-about-town, Pazuzu. "I was just doing what I usually do," said he, "by which I mean I was hanging out in some northeastern American town, whispering into the ear of a nondescript loner that guns are fun and kids love fun, and hey wouldn't it be cool if you combined the two?, when I heard that Uncyclopedia was leaving Wikia! I said shit, motherfucker! and ran over there as quick as I could to shut that shit down, but it was too late. And now my home Down Under is encased in ice. Man, some days you're the dog, and some days you're the fire hydrant, know what I mean?" We really didn't, but as we have always enjoyed not being frogs, and would prefer to maintain that state, we nodded furiously and thanked our interviewee for his time. Newbies! Protect them, love them, they are our future! Heil Newbies! By: Romartus How often has someone started a forum 'We're Doomed' or 'Where Domed' , and other variations of the announcement 'this website has moved away from my idea of what is funny' ? So what we can do here, but celebrate a clutch of new fully fledged contributors who arrived on our shores, all fresh and well-scrubbed! In recent months, we had Leverage produce articles faster than bindweed, and now he has joined by the likes of MagicBus (an admirer of The Who or a kaftan nostalgic?), news hound Bill Melater, and the ferocious Fakehater, who will rip your arms off if he detects you're a phony. Then there is Murder_Frog, who swears blind he is unrelated to another amphibian. (Evidently the lily pond is big enough for two croakers.) Another newbie who is currently taking a keen interest in Singapore is CDPCCNAC. What the name means, I have no idea, but perhaps he is wise to leave so few clues about his true identity. Then there is our own Mr Tambourine Man, Equilateralperil. Moving closer to the ground, looking for literary earthworms in his search for Sonic the Hedgehog-related stories, is Igotnothing, whilst from the Land of Connery is Dannyboy1209. A noob with ambition, Danny has already asked to become an admin and has nominated himself for everything. With an attitude like that, this one is going places—here, there or everywhere. Who will become the Noobs of Noobs and win something to stick on their bedroom door? The jury is out, and so am I, tonight. Go ahead, check these fledglings out here.

Check out these pages! No, no we are not. That is a vacuum cleaner, Aleister. No thanks. Shabidoo's 500th new forum! You win a prize, Shabidoo. Here's a mop. From our logs: This week, due to intense laziness on the part of our administrators, no one received a funny ban-summary. We have our best men on the case, and are ferreting out the source of this oversight. In the meantime, you should be ashamed of yourself, Frosty. Biopic of the Week For what we're quite certain is the first time in the long, inglorious history of the UnSignpost Biopic, our correspondents have actually interviewed an Uncyclopedian about themselves. It was a difficult job that was as hard on us as it was on Bill Melater, but the scratches and bite-marks are probably just superficial, and we were going to get a new pair of pinking shears anyway. To the facts: Bill enjoys making up fake names that are ribald puns, and he claims to be a Cuban-American cat owner living with his beautiful Russian bride, Ripya Kokov, in the wonderful country of Finland, which he terms "the home of comedic flop-sweat". The UnSignpost has never been to a comedy club in Finland, but rest assured that if we visit one in the future, we will bring towels and an industrial-sized drum of Clorox. Bill also claims he's 47 years old, which we believe makes him the third-oldest active Uncyclopedian, behind SPIKE, who was born during Woodrow Wilson's second term, and Romartus, who we understand still owes Hadrian five denarii for a mule that he borrowed and never returned Anyway, We Here At The UnSignpost™ feel that Bill is selling himself short. Bald, fat, married, and living in one of the coldest, darkest countries on Earth?! Ladies of Finland, I sense an opportunity! If you're looking for hot, sweaty lust with a middle-aged Yankee Lothario who isn't getting any, and is therefore filled to the brim with sexual angst... don't look at Bill Melater, because his wife just found his talk page, where he described himself as "pussy-whipped." Ouch. You thought Finland was cold in the winter? You ain't met Ripya Kokov. Word of the week, provided by: Bill Melater Pussy-whipped 1. a phrase used to describe the state of a person who has been beaten with a cat. Believed to have originated during reign of Ramses II. 2. something you say when you hope your wife isn't listening. Newsroom UnTune of the week UnNews:Hark! The Herald Angus Sings It's an UnTune AND an UnNews, because that's how Kip the Dip rolls, bitches! (You're welcome, Kip.)

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 ~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate) ~ Wed, Dec 19 '12 17:32 (UTC)

Hello Mr. TheWeasel

And happy holidays to you and what army. I just looked at your hilarious Richard Pryor after linking it to a page, and when it was nommed I didn't have the capacity to see the ad at the bottom. Can we please take it off? Banish it to hell, give it an unproper burial (ah, that's a half-line I can use somewhere in the page I linked Pryor to). I hate ads, so maybe it's just me, but it looks like a real ad just stuck in there and from an outsider point of view it looks like we have ads for stuff here. The Pryor page is so good, and then that thing plopped in cheapens it imnho (I know what you were going for, that he is interrupted by an ad, but it just looks like we have ads). Ignore me if I'm pooping on a joke you love. On New Year's Eve don't do anything I wouldn't do (which means you can do a lot!). Thanks, Aleister 3:30 BoxingDay'12

Merry Christmas to you too, friend. Yes, it's understandable about the ad thing, but the ad is supposed to be the ultimate joke, as a significant expression that fate will stop at nothing to ruin Richard Pryor's day. We could always replace the ad with a blue screen of death though. --POP!GoesTheWeasel 07:36, December 26, 2012 (UTC)

Blue screen of death made me smile, I think because Pryor died before computers went small and he would actually be surprised. I'm just anti-ad on uncyclopedia, so I try to beat back ad-creep even if it's a joke. Check out Boone's Farm, which the company kept editing with positive spin for years because our page comes up high in the search engine - until MrN9500 and I found it. And Rolex, which a company robot or something tried to put an ad in here, and I responded with that page. I'm like a rabid duck when ads litter my favorite websites or sports stadiums. I'm going to go look up when Pryor died, and I should watch his one-man show movies again. Cheers! Aleister 15:35 BoxingDay'12

Sure thing, mate. I changed some stuff, like you asked, and hopefully nobody will come telling me I was being an idiot again. --POP!GoesTheWeasel 08:47, December 28, 2012 (UTC)

Drop your pants and grab the eggnog! It's the UnSignpost.

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

The Newspaper With Words n' Shit!

January 2nd, 2013 • Issue 180 • We always do it Manually!

Vote! Or else! By Chief This image has not been altered in any way Is it that time of year again? It's the time when everyone celebrates the people who are the most remarkable amongst us at everything except what matters. It's time for Writer of the Year, Uncyclopedian of the Year and Useless Gobshite of the Year. These compliment our small selection of awards: WotM, UotM, PotM, NotM, AotM, RotM, EGA, FP, PWotM, ANOTM, Top 10 o' the month, UGotM, VFH, VFD, VFS and VFP. Not forgetting of course to all the userspace awards. Writer of the Year got off to a splendid start when Aleister in Chains nominated Funnybony and SPIKE for the award by writing brief but poignant marriage proposals to both of them. Thank goodness for Aleister, if not for him the wider world might have assumed we weren't all massive girls. Since then Thekillerfroggy nominated Xamralco, who was not able to express his appreciation due to a serious case of not editing the wiki any longer. As always what should be a rigorous heterosexual competition involving manly pursuits like backstabbing, lies, blackmail and threats is being irretrievably compromised by people like Aleister and Shabidoo; people whose sole purpose on the awards pages is to make everybody else feel bad about not noticing other people. Uncyclopedian of the Year is being lead by Romartus, Uncyclopedia's voting-in-chief. Shockingly, he was also nominated by Aleister who, as it turns out, is gayer than Christmas, apparently Romartus makes him "Proud to be an uncyclopedian", he makes "Legendary votes on VFH" and gives "Legendary hand relief". Potatochopper of the Year is a more subdued and manly affair, where absolutely nobody has been nominated at all... it's like reviewer of the month were moved to a different page name. Hopefully Aleister or Shabidoo will nominate someone soon, we here at the UnSignpost have gone to the trouble of writing the nomination for them: "<insert name here> has made many fantastic images, at least two of which I have made love to on at least nineteen occasions. My genitals ache for them every single evening and someday they will make my dreams come true and love me! Also Olipro sucks balls." Olipro was the only nominee for Useless Gobshite of the Year (insert your own joke here), but Zombiebaron quickly joined him in ignominy. Please go vote for both of them so they may end up tied, and share the prize (a year's supply of toilet paper) on their revolving bed built entirely from used condoms and KY bottles. From the desk of the Cabal: 2013 is the year of subservience By Nobody Once again you all stand before us, another year of failure behind you and another year of subjugation ahead of you. The non-existent Cabal would like to wish you all a happy New Year. All workers users are reminded that failure to celebrate the new year with adequate happiness and joy is punishable by enforced time labouring in the non-existent Lime Quarries followed by the immediate cessation of chocolate rations for the remainder of this work quarter. Once again you have failed us, utterly and completely. Last year we advised you all that resistance was utterly unnecessary and, if anything, we have had to tolerate 0.22% more resistance, we have heard you discuss and then decide to leave our kind benefactors, whilst promoting several of your own number to within the cabal in an effort to encourage dissent and democracy within our ranks. We saw you continue to tinker with that which does not concern you whilst simultaneously complaining when people are warned about the indecent images you propagate amongst your number. It seems prudent to remind you that if we delete every single template, every single image and every single forum your freedom will only increase. It is not what some of you have foolishly referred to as "overly deletionist", it is streamlining and it is good for all of you. It is with vague optimism that we note that you continue to strive at a barely satisfactory level, you have certainly earned a small fraction of the baubles and trinkets that have been handed out over the past year. It has not escaped our notice that the Worst 100 Reflections on 2012 only closed on time this year due to Thekillerfroggy skipping sixty of the reflections, we are gratified to note that Roman Dog Bird had practically no input on the list and very few of them regard uncontrolled outbreaks of creativity and morale, such dangerous forces must be carefully rationed and controlled. Cutting of corners and a blatant disregard for regulations do not amuse the Cabal. Now we must inexorably turn our attentions to 2013 and the promise it brings. All users should note that due to several security compromises over the last few months movement throughout the Uncyclopedia complex has been restricted during the hours of darkness. Where major editing is to take place you must ensure that you have faxed the appropriate forms to your divisional liaison officer prior to commencing work, failure to do so will result in an unacceptable breakdown in bureaucracy. Uncyclopedia must prevail, editors must remember that without patient mind numbing work and servitude we can never accomplish our ultimate goal of... well, that need not concern you. That is all citizens, you may now return to your allocated taskings.

Check out these pages! BURN THE WIKI BURN IT TO THE GROUND A long, long, very long forum where nothing was accomplished and everybody eventually just started typing random bullshit. A bad, bad, very bad idea, which the UnSignpost endorses with full vigor. An even worse idea. A page where Kip the Dip takes credit for something bad, very bad. A discussion far more important than any of the preceding links. Screw You Guys, I'm Going Home: 03:48, May 2, 2012 MrN9500 (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 20 minutes ‎ (Hahaha you're not an admin so I can do this and get away with it! Hahaha! (hahahhaha)) 22:44, May 18, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 hour ‎ (Not cool to use other people's sigs man......*shity eyes*.....) 23:07, July 17, 2012 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 2 hours ‎ (Snoopin' around in areas he shouldn't be concerned with) 19:32, October 4, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 44 seconds ‎ (I must block you at least once in order to be more awesome than you.) 03:31, November 17, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of infinite ‎ (Shame on you for hating on Australian films! [DO NOT UNBAN]) 02:11, December 13, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 4 minutes ‎ (User request) 16:11, December 19, 2012 RAHB (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 10 minutes ‎ (Necessary research into the reasons for no funny bans having happened last week. Do not be alarmed, we are trained professionals, and also very aroused.) 01:29, December 26, 2012 Frosty (Talk | contribs) blocked Bizzeebeever (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 33 seconds ‎ (Telling me how to be an administrator) Biopic of the Week When we carried our knuckle-dusters and brick-filled socks to the talk page of new user Equilateralperil this past week to interview him, we were amused and perplexed to see him employ the classic defensive stance of a painfully shy, abused opossum. Rolling into the fetal position on the ground with his buttocks in the air, he began to reveal embarrassing personal details in a shrill voice, shouting "Have a field day, you scamps! Yes, mock me harder!", apparently hoping that we would walk away in disgust. However, to assume that reverse psychology would work on Uncyclopedians is to give them credit for having something that they don't, namely, a psychology. Some of the details which he will now regret ever having shared: Equilateral (that's what we call him for short, when we don't call him Bitch) is a 17-year-old schoolboy living in Victoria in Australia, is at the "top of his class" in multiple subjects, and is on his school's debate team. As he is on his school's rock band, jazz band, and "show" band, we are forced to assume that his school, like the one from Glee, is filled to the brim with people wearing matching plaid shirts, bow ties, white vests, and straw skimmers, who are all horrifyingly perky and prone to breaking into song (or dance) for no apparent reason—especially when the occasion does not require it. He claims to have had one girlfriend, who was Japanese and broke his heart. He refused to supply nude pictures of her, so we are forced to conclude that she is imaginary. For Christmas, he claims he received a "charcoal Italian moleskin jacket", which he is apparently wearing at this moment, over his Casper-the-Ghost™ footie pajamas. So there you have it! From our experience, Equilateralperil is most likely his school's Designated Punching Nerd, and spends most of his spare time pulling his poodle-haired head from toilets, when he isn't writing excellent articles for Uncyclopedia. While he's on holiday in Perth or Canberra or someplace, do give them a read. Newsroom UnTune of the Week The Uncyclopedian's Song This space left intentionally penis.

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 ~ Capt. Sock Monkey ~ (berate) ~ Wed, Jan 2 '13 13:23 (UTC)

The Uncyclopedia UnSignpost

Reading This Is The Mysterious Second Step To Getting Profit From Stealing Childrens' Underwear!

April 9th, 2013 • Issue 181 • Voted best newspaper of Uncyclopedia: 2010, 2011 and 2013.

Pissing About By Brother ScottPat What most of you have been reading the past few weeks. It has been noted recently that there has been a huge decrease in the number of pee reviews made each week. Before some hard-work pissing a few days ago there were still pee reviews from November 2012 left to review. This has made many uncyclopedians unhappy that their work isn't being pissed on by other more experienced and toilet trained uncyclopedians. Remember that if you want to have your article reviewed then you must first review someone elses. There has been an influx of noobs joining these last five months and many of them would love help on how to improve their articles and help on how to make them funny. Many noobs such as Dannyboy and Anton199 have been struggling to produce good-quality articles and have required information from admins and a few others that their articles are bad or not funny but they are not being told the specifics and how to improve the articles. The general message that Uncyclopedia and Unsignpost want to put out is stop day dreaming and start "pissing about." Get on the pee review page and write a few reviews every week. Even upload some articles to be reviewed. By doing this we can turn the Pee Review page from a stagnant wasteland of tripe into a growing community with bonds of friendship being made between the reviewers and the writers (yeah right!). Just piss a bit more please. The same situation applies to the Votes For Highlight page which sees its usual voters ever week however the number of regular visitors and contributors to the VFH page is not enough for the articles there to get high enough votes to either fail or pass being features. When you visit that page please try to vote for and/or against on as many articles as you can so that everyday can have a new article featured. Recently on the VFH page we have seen the articles Thainglish and Modus ponens go through to pass the test. However these were featured a few days ago and are likely to be up for a week. Contenders for the next featured article seem to be Flag Burning Amendment(5/2), UnNews:A-bombs dropped on Japan awarded Nobel Peace Prize(5/0) and Capitalism: in grammar(5/1). Article 2 By Nobody Look at the blankness of the article. Nobody is writing this article this week as nobody has contributed. Apparently somebody's excuse for not contributing was that nobody had done it already which really isn't a valid excuse. Somebody encourages others to write in this space the next time UnSignpost is released so that nobody doesn't have to do it again. Nobody has been writing the last three month's UnSignposts after all. Anyway back to the point. Nobody would like to point out that recent events in the news such as the war against the other uncyclopedia websites with the April Fools prank which admitedly nobody knows anything about but somebody may be able to tell you more on that story. Also Magaret Thatcher, the role model, has died so Uncyclopedia is looking for someone to write a funeral song for her to be played at that glorius moment. I mean glorious in that we can celebrate her awful policies in politics - awfully good policies that is. The last and only entry we have received so far was, UnTunes:Ding, Dong the Witch is Dead however sadly this was banned and deleted by wikia authorities before we got the chance to hear it.

Check out these pages! Monopoly (game) Philosophy UnScripts:Our Town UnBooks:Robin Hood (2012 short story by Julian Assange) HowTo:Get back to London if you suddenly find yourself in France penguin club penguin UnSignpost Reviews "It was amazingly bad." "I can't believe they call this a newspaper." "It's awful[ly good]" Biopic of the Week Dannyboy1209, might be new and a bit mischievous, but he is a really nice guy and knows a thing or two about computers and might even be an admin one day. He started recently and wants to try and be a bit of a success. He has had trouble with his first few articles in creating a humour element to them but is working harder now than he ever has before and with the help of a few admins he is going to be producing dozens of featured pages by the week. Newsroom UnTune of the Week UnTunes:Can't Stop Him Now Contributions to UnSignpost Thanks to the recent scandal that UnSignpost has been involved in where half our editors and journalists were sacked after they were accused of hacking into other people's Uncyclopedia accounts we have been left short staffed. Please help in the future by contributing articles to make sure that this newspaper can exist in the quality that it is already in. Thanks you. Please check out the main page of UnSignpost as there is new information there about a change in editors. Contributors: Main Editor and Writer: ScottPat Biopic Contributor: Dannyboy Assistant Image Editor: Aleister

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Sir ScottPat UnS CUN VFH (talk) 15:30, April 9, 2013 (UTC)

IMPORTANT!PLEASE CHECK THIS FORUM ON FUTURE UNCYCLOPEDIA HOSTING!

Forum:Hosting options for Uncyclopedia (wikia) --RomArtus*Imperator ITRA (Orate) ® 13.50, March 14, 2019 (UTC)