User:Simsilikesims/Worst 100 Ways to Win an Argument

“And on the 159th day the Lord said: "Thou shalt win the argument, for thou art Texan"”

~ The Bible on winning an argument

Note: The Lord actually doesn't really care.

The basic rule for winning an argument can be boiled down to this: you're more likely to win an argument if you have a strong command of the facts, a good understanding of logic, the ability to express your point of view clearly and concisely and talking about it like men, with guns.

999999999999 through 100: Unfriending them or making them Unfriend You

9010. Get an independent judge to decide who's the winner. Then blackmail the judge.

9009. Say "That's it, I'm calling the cops."

9008. Say "Look behind you!" - then run

9007. Just yell "bullshit" every time they state a fact.

9006. Leave to sharpen your knives and clean your guns.

9005. Yell (A.K.A. the Bill Maher method)

"I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU'VE DONE!" at the top of your lungs.

9004. "Go on..."

9003. Divide by zero.

9002. Say "Yeah? Well FUCK YOU!"

9001. Tell them about your power level.

5000. "Two camels in a tiny car"

5001. "You don't have any pancake mix!"

1234. Perform reenactments of the movie SAW upon them.

1337. start yelling in 1337 until they go away

1344. "YOU BETRAYED THE LAW!!!!"

1343. I HAVE SPOKEN!

1343. I win, no, no, no, I won.

1343. "Chuck Norris agrees with me!"

1342. Sue them or threaten to.

1341. Start making gay advances.

1340. Yeh well. I had your mother

1339. 0MG N00B

1338. Say, "Oh yeah? Well YOU'RE STUPID!" or "At least I'm not stupid"

1337. UR 4 1053R!

1336. Put your fingers in your ears and start singing the "LALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU LALALALALALA"

1335. Bare your fangs at them

1334. Sue their ass off!

983. "Well, at least I'm not into coprophagia."

667. Tell your opponent that you're right/their wrong "Because I said so"

666

Become Satan.

665. Kill all blasphemers who say "Because I said so" for their presumptuous affront to reason

Pi. Poop AND piss your pants on the spot. Winnar!

652. Ban them from your IRC channel

300. "THIS IS SPARTAAAAA!!!!"

0mg. "OMFG! Look a distraction!"

106. The Lebron James method

"What should I do? Should I give up and let you win? Should I fight with you not against? Tell me, should I fight for my rights? Should I get stronger and beat you? What should I do?

105. "Your not coming to my birthday party"

104. Bigger/Smaller than yours.

103. At least I have one.

102. I'm right. You're wrong. DEAL.

101. Try to back up your arguments with facts from third sources

"Oh ya, well last night at my Aryan White Brotherhood meeting, they told me a different story. . . BITCH"

100. Always reply with "OK" or "sure".

99 through 91

99. Video tape their side of the argument, mail it to MST3K

98. "You're not making any sense!"

97. "Go back to the kitchen!"

96. Use ebonics.

"YOU LIE BITCH!"

95. The Christian Bale rant.

Fucking amateur.

94. Quote Oscar Wilde.

975. Tell them your dad can beat up their dad.

94.5. End every statement with "QED".

93. Pounce on a trite statement and bury them with it.

92. "I'm in your washing machine, stealing all your Bubbles!"

91. Remind them of an embarrassing event.

90 through 81: Random Insults

This might get anoying after a few minutes.

90. you dropped something..... your FACE hahaha

89. Call them "a big fat meanie". Then they'll take you seriously!

88. Use the Ali-G method.

"That's not a very nice way to talk about your mom." or "Talking about yourself again?" or "You sucked off a horse!".

87. Call them ghey then walk away.

86. If you're on the internet, tell them they can't read or say their English is poor.

85. Say "Yeah well your mom..." and improvise from that point.

84. "Takes one to know one!"

83 and a half. cheesecake

83. Scream "fascist baby-eating killer" at them so loud your spit soaks their face.

82. "I still think you should put on pants."

81. Say "Yeah? Well where'd you get your clothes, the Toilet Store?"

80 through 71

80. TIMMAY!

79. Use the good old fashioned northern tactic of saying “bollocks” after everything they say.

If this continues for more than two minutes inform them that you have a brick.

78. Switch language.

77. Use a song lyric

"The problem's plain to see: too much technology Machines to save our lives. Machines dehumanized. So you see, taking out Terri Shiavo's feeding tube was the right thing to do"

76. a. Do Something b. ??? c. Profit!

75. Reply to everything they say with, "FOR ME TO POOP ON!" Example - "Your face is ugly." ... "FOR ME TO POOP ON"

74. "Screw you guys... I'm going home."

73. Call in a DJ, Try to change the argument into a freestyle battle rap.

72. Scream "Now I wont give YOU the antidote!!!"

71. Call in your Mother.

70 through 61

70. Bring up your opponents propensity of prevarication, followed by the flammability of his or her trousers.

69. Claim that life is an illusion, reality is subjective and we're just an interpretation of ourselves then counter every argument with "Sure, that how YOU perceive it."

68. Say something along the lines of "Well, isn't that Ironic?" or "That's totally irrelevant." completely out of context.

67. The Keith Olbermann Method

Say: "I'm pretty sure Hitler said something just like that..." or "That sounds an awful lot like something Hitler might say..."

66. The Lindsay Lohan Method

Say: "I'm going to drown you in my own vomit if you don't shut the hell up..."

65. The Joe McCarthy gambit

Tell them you have an incontrovertible counter-argument on a piece of paper in the sealed envelope in your hand. Do not show the the contents of the envelope.

64. Call the KGB

In Soviet Russia, Night disappears in YOU!!

63. If you disagree with me, then the terrorists win!

62. Challenge them to a duel at sunrise, that's how Alexander Hamilton died. However, most people won't consider the argument worth gambling their life on, and besides it's such a pain getting up that early.

61. The Monty Python Method

"No it isn't." "Yes it is." "No it isn't."

60 through 51: Distraction

60. "That's what She said"

59.5 "Let's make out."

59. Double Barrel Middle Finger Scream "Boo-YAH!".

58. Do a Smelly fart and wait for them to run away!!!

57. Quivering lower lip.

56. Say their spouse/girlfriend is pregnant.

55. Fake a massive heart attack

Go for their sympathy.

54. Attempt the old duck season!/rabbit season! trick.

53 Pull out your cellphone and tell your opponent it's a bullshit detector. Make beeping sounds with your mouth as you wave it near him/her.

52. "WANT 2 C MY POKEMONS?!?"

51. Throw a tantrum

Hey, it works for toddlers and women.

50 through 41: Extreme Distraction

50. Say "So BASICALLY you agree with me." in reply to anything they say, no matter what.

49. If you start to lose bring up the genocide in Darfur. Example "You may have a point, but doesn't it just seem petty when you consider all that genocide in Darfur."

48. Do a Barrel Roll! (Works best if in a boat.)

47. Use koans. Claim that by not arguing you have already won.

46. Completely change the subject.

45. Activate a loud gameshow buzzer every time your opponent makes a point. Use The Price is Right's waat-waaaaaah noise if necessary.

44. Reveal that you're Ghandi,Mother Teresa or Martin Luther King so that your opponent feels like a dickweed for starting an argument with Ghandi, Mother Theresa or Martin Luther King.

43. Ask "Why?" every time he/she ends a sentence.

42. Call Douglas Adams.

41.5 Perform un-anesthetisized open heart surgery.

LOL they have to watch it!

41. Have Captain Planet come busting through your ceiling screaming "CAPTAIIIIIN PLANNNNNNETTTT!!!"

40 through 31

40. Say, "Okay, we'll flip a coin. Heads I win, tails you lose."

39. Call Shenanigans

"Thats it you've brought this upon yourself, I'm calling shenanigans on you!"

38. Hold your breath

Tell them you'll hold your breath until they admit your right or you die. They'll feel sorry when your dead.

37. Pretend to find something on Wikipedia.

That site is SO easy to edit.

36.

35. USE ALL CAPS, ALL THE TIME!

34. Mention their dead grandmother (or other deceased relative). But the next time you get into an argument, they will hurt you. Really badly.

33. Say that Congress suports your argument

Global warming exists because Nancy Pelosi says global warning exists. And you don't want to disagree with Nancy Pelosi, do you?

32. Summon Chuck Norris

31. Do this.

30 through 21: Using Religion

30. I will strike down on you with great vengeance, against those who attempt to corrupt and poison my brothers, and you will know my name is The Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee. then call samuel jackson

29. Quote the sixth day, when the lord said

"Don't even muthafuckin' think about it... Bitch."

28. I'm more Jesus than you!!!!"

27. Quote a non-existent bible verse.

"And the LORD said unto Moses, 'The highest praise unto me is when a husband does know together his wife and another woman at the same time, and woe is to the wife who refuses this.'" -Deuteronomy (37:3-4) (If you don't get this, see To Know)

26. Accuse your opponent of being a queer-o-sexual.

25. Say "At least I have a penis." Doesn't work well with either gender.

24. Transform into Jack Bauer.

23. "You betrayed Shiva! You Shiva tay! This one's got tay oh! Non Shiva kay! THIS ONE'S GOT TAY OH!"

22. Crucify them.

21. Take over the world. Then your opponent has to agree with you, whether they like it or not.

20 through 11: Scapegoating

20. Blame Jesus

He's the reason for all the troubles

19. Blame the Republicans.

18. Ant is a lyrical genius.....

...when you really don't.

17. Blame it on FEMA, " The reason Evolution doesn't exist is FEMA didn't handle Hurricane Katrina well."

16. Blame President Obama.

15. Charge them with treason and falsify circumstantial evidence

OFF WITH HIS HEAD!

14. Blame it on the conservatives

It's all their fault!

13. Blame it on the Communists

Freakin' Commies!

12. Blame it on the El Nino

Works best if you really mean PMS.

11. Quote (or create) a random statistic

Did you know that 99.9% of the time, people will believe you if you have a statistic to back you up?

10 through 1: Plead Insanity

10. The Rosie O'Donnell Method

Eat your opponent."

9 Meow or bark until they give up.

8. Stare into the distance and say "This brings back memories of my dark times" then refuse to say anything else

7. Say "Hold on a second" while their talking and than dont say anything.

6. "No No NO! Yoump Yaw, Me Yaw!"

5. Use the Adam West method.

"Good thing you're just a fragment of my imagination."

4. Choke them with the Force.

3.141592653. Tell them about how Pie is a lie, and Cake is the truth.

3. "At least I have chicken."

2. Hire Ninjas, Pirates, or Ninja-Pirates.

1. Insert Crazy Frog noises into your argument to drive your opponent insane.

Ziiiingdingdingdingdingdingdingdingding!!!

0 through negative infinity: Murder and Crime

0. Admit you've lost the argument then say, "Yea, but I am consoled by the fact that..."

"...I slept with your girlfriend..." (grin then look like you just remembered something) "...when we were alone with your sister..." (Pause and look like you'd feel guilty if you didn't apologize) "...while your mom was watching...and she was actually impressed."

When you've done all this, your opponent will attack you at which point you can kill him in self-defense.

-0. Defecate on them.

-1. The Russian Reversal. In Soviet Russia your sister fucked YOU!!

-2. Violence solves everything!

Slap them with a frying pan, sledgehammer or rusty ax!

-3. Internet postings

Threaten to post naked pictures of them, their family member(s), their pet(s), or yourself (whichever is the most frightening).

-4. If you don't agree with me you're a terrorist

-5. By using all of these arguments at once, and seeing them yell "Ahh I give up!!!"

-6. Say "Oh my God, a piano falling from the sky is about to hit you", then a) wait till they look up then punch them or, b)Wait for them to say "i'm not falling for that!" then watch the piano kill them.

-7 "If you strike me down I will become more powerful then you can possibly immagine!"

-8. Hit opponent on the head with a hammer in an attempt to cause amnesia.

-9. Say, "I win because the Bible says so. Seriously. Leviticus, 18 17. 'And the Lord will come down to Philadelphia and make sure that the Phillies win thy World Series'. I win!"

-10. Force them to listen to the Jonas Brothers until they agree with you.

-11. Become a woman. They are NEVER wrong! How do we beat them??? ~ Preferably with a shovel or a plastic spork from Taco Bell.

-12.

-13.

-14. Go on "Springer" and beat the shit out of your opponent.

Really ineffective if you're a transvestite, fat, or enjoy watching "Green Acres" reruns on TV Land.

-15. Set the Roof on Fire, then start a dance party.

-16. State that they just lost the game.

Of course, this means that you also lost the game. By the way, you just lost the game.

-17. Throw a running lawnmower at them, they usually get the point then and take you seriously.

-18. Kill your opponent's parents and grind them into chili

Hey, it worked for Cartman!

Nuclear Bomb. Nuff Said.

-19. Throw a Koala bear at them and yell "Heretic!"

-20. Burn down their house.

Note: This does not go over well if you live in the same house as person you're arguing with.

-21. Pour an urn full of hearty Yak's blood on them. Yumm...Yak's blood.

-22. Rape them.

-23. 25 pounds of C- 4. Nuff said.

-24. Whip your penis out and start doing propeller-like motions with it.

-25.

-26. Shoot them with a Cannon

-27. Threaten to kill their family, family pet thingy or them.

-28. Hand them a gift-wrapped box with an aggravated, poisonous snake inside. Beckon them to open.

-29. IMMA FIRIN MA LAZA! BAAAAAAHH!!!

-30. IMMA FIRIN MA MOTHA FUCKIN LAZA! BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!

WAAAAAAY more effective.

-31. Show them whose boss and pull down your pants (this is meant for males though it might not work depending on your “size”).

-32. Rape/Surprise Butt-Sex.

-33. "IT'S MORPHING TIME!!!" *Proceed to morph, strike a pose, and then get kicked where the sun don't shine.*