User:DiZ/Weaselpudge
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Weaselpudge is, put most simply, the substance which permeates the Universe and allows time to flow along uninterrupted. It also goes great on chips and gives Coca Cola its fizz.
Weaselpudge is considered by many to be one of the four basic elements of the Universe,the other three being weaselpudge, weaselpudge, and weaselpudge. The polar opposite of weaselpudge is Bacon Mist.
Etymology
The name "weaselpudge" comes from the fact that, in its concentrated form, it looks exactly like the anal fluid of weasels: warm, green, and the main component of a Big Mac and it's also unhealthy to eat. The word pudge comes from Old English "pudeg", a shortening of Middle French "pude de'g rière", which is literally translated "liquid of the behind", or "ass-milk".
History
The exact date of the discovery of weaselpudge is largely debated, though the majority of scientists (majority, of course being measured by collective body mass rather than individual votes) agree it was sometime around the 1950s. It first came to humans' knowledge due to the coming of the Tree People from the Narnian planet, Uranus. They brought along, not only their vast knowledge of the Universe and its beings, but a small Tree Boy who at the time of arrival was gorging himself upon nachos saturated in a meaty isotope of weaselpudge. Upon closer inspection of the nachos, Earth scientists discovered high levels of radioactivity and B.S. From here, it is largely accepted that weaselpudge was responsible for the mass growth of technology in the last half of the 20th century, such as cell phones, fiber-optics, and potatoes (had the Irish known...)
In the early 1960s, weaselpudge hit the black market as "I Can't Believe It's Not Kitten", a powdered substitute of kitten essence intended for kitten huffing. Though soon, kitten huffers grew aware of its dangerous side effects (dry eyes, flaking, peeling, nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea, and of course, the spouting of seven black ravens carrying the sons of the devil out of one's ass). These side effects were due largely in part to the unpurified weaselpudge used in the distillation process. However, when the "pudge-filter" was first patented in 1971, few kitten huffers dared try the new weaselpudge, instead reverting back to the traditional huffing kitten.
Ever since, weaselpudge has been used in its solidified form as an absorption agent for tampons and, in its liquid form, a disinfectant for roadkill removal squads. Burger King has also recently featured a "pudgeburger", claimed to be one-part burger, two-parts pudge, and five-parts weasel.
Controversy
When it was discovered in 1995 that weaselpudge was a possible carcinogen- or for retards: stuff that makes a lump on your nuts- many retailers refused to sell pudge-laced tampons and disinfectants, and many consumers protested, burning down Wal-Marts across America for refusing to reject weasel goods. Weasels were hunted and killed to near extinction, due to the general public's misunderstanding that weaselpudge does not come from weasels. And in January 15, 1996, the war on weaselpudge reached its climax with the bombing of the twin Weasel-Co towers. At the time, Weasel-Co was the largest world supplier of weaselpudge and pudge-related food stuffs (such as the kids' cereal "Weasel-O's"). The attack on the towers prompted the passing of a series of controversial laws known as the Weasel Acts of '96, though they were shortly repelled by the Bacon Mist Acts of '97.
In 1999, The UN finally agreed with the United states to put a warning label on all products made with weaselpudge. The label reads:
WARNING: WEASELPUDGE , EVEN WHEN PROPERLY FILTERED, HAS BEEN KNOWN TO CAUSE CANCER IN HUMANS AND SOME SPECIES OF MONKEYS. KEEP OUT OF REACH OF CHILDREN, MENTALLY UNSTABLE PERSONS, AND SEAN CONNERY.
Alternate names
Weaselpudge has been given different names throughout different countries, regions, and social groups. In the South, it is known as "grits"; in Mexico and other Spanish-speaking countries, weaselpudge is known as mantequilla china, or "Chinese butter", except in Puerto Rico, where it is commonly known as el diablo verde, or "the green devil."
Religion
The first Church of Weaselpudge was set up in 1997 by Sir Tomoleus von Pøghe, a Danish chemist who saw the divine beauty in weaselpudge. After discovering the remains if an ancient Pudgic Bible, Pøghe was inspired. With help from his friends, family, neighbors, and other assorted characters, he built the church out of an abandoned airplane hangar. The church soon attracted followers, and eventually, the building became self-aware in 2003, and killed all worshippers that entered it. The church was burned down in 2005, but there are still over 4300 Pudgic Churches in The Netherlands alone, and it has become the main religion of the country. Today, you can find a total of about 30,000 churches worldwide, and over 3 million members, and the number is growing. Pudgic Churches reproduce via airborne spores, similar to ferns and other pterydophites. A new church pops up about every 90-135 minutes.
The Church, unlike some other religions, relinquishes the teaching of important values and ethics in place of complete and total worship of weaselpudge. Followers, known as Pudgists, are expected to keep kegs of weaselpudge in their cars at all times and bathe in it twice a day--three times if it's Thursday, and sixty-six times on Pudge Friday. They are also expected to be complete and total dicks to everyone else, leading to the theory that the majority--if not entirety-- of Uncyclopedia Users are Pudgists.
Famous Pudgists include:
Weaselpudge in the arts
In 1998, Hypellan musician Eeeh-Gaahh-Uun-Taganah! wrote a song dedicated to weaselpudge for his famous "Save the Pudge" campaign (it has been translated and mercifully spared of atrocious grammar and pronunciation...damn those Hypello):
Oh say, can you feel
How the pudge is so light
Upon my wee, while the chocolate is so gallantly dripping?
And the weasels' red tails
Pudge squirts in the air
Gave proof through the night
That our pudge was still there.
Oh say that steamy pile of pudge yet lay
O'er the land of the free, and the home of the brave.
Trivia
- If weaselpudge were a person, it would be
Sean ConneryGeorge W.BushOscar Wildeabove you. - Weaselpudge can be measured in its SI unit, the pudge. Three pudges worth of weaselpudge is 15,000 times more valuable than its weight in gold.
- Weaselpudge sees you when you're sleeping. It knows when you're awake.
- Weaselpudge is
second only toabove God. - In recent years, there has been a sharp increase the level of weaselpudge in water supplies. Al Gore thinks this is because of global warming.
- If you never see weaselpudge, you are not alive.