Types of Messenger Contacts

WARNING: A lot of this article seems to have been written in Engrish. This adds to the hilarity.

WARNING: The writer of this article shows signs of bad grammar.

Besides their nicks and status, we can classify the WhatsApp, Messenger and Telegram contacts by a deep psychological analysis.

Annoying

They are in the first place of our list. They are the typical people that starts conversations all the time with ludicrous things that you don't want to read, but you read them anyway. Their nicks usually begin with a hyphen to appear first in your contacts list and make them feel important. They don't care if you are not available, absent or whatever, they simply talk and talk you. The Annoying-Telegraphist fusion can have devastating effects.

Telegraphist (not to be confused with a Telegram user)

Isn't too much of a bad person. Simply believes that every sent message must not have more than 3 words or the universe as we know it will implode. He/she has the inner paranoia that if we aren't constantly reading their lines we'll commit suicide. So, as a result, if we have these guys online, we get a telegraphic (despite the expression) conversation. If slowly evolves into an "I'll-tell-you-my-life-story", your eyes will be raped. Example:

Did you know

that I saw Martha

and told me

that she broke up

with her boyfrend?

Mmmm... What's the use of this?

Anonymous

Believes that your memory is so good, he/she deletes his/her name to replace it with a retarded phrase. It's the same person who starts annoying you, all while you're asking yourself “Who the hell is he/she?”. The only thing that can save you is looking at their avatar, their writing style, their e-mail address or their phone number. Believe us, with a list of 100 contacts or more that can be hellish. But the best of all is when he tells you “I'm Albert. Don't you remember me?!”. Of course, it's perfectly normal that you must associate [email protected], 555-698-68-25, @LilBono598 or the phrase “YOODADEEDADEHDOOO-DOO-DOO-DOO-DAH-DAH-DAH-DOH a-gos-sip-a-gain!” with your lifelong friend Albert.

"I'll-tell-you-my-life-story

These are very (un)funny. Because when they are well-known people, nothing happens. But when is almost unfamiliar mob that you added by extraneous causes (they usually are failed seduction attempts or people who desperately needed your help), you get informed of everything that happens to them. Whether his girlfriend let him, he has gets fined, suspended from something, a career approved in record time...

Thanks Loreena and Liz by being my friends unlike another girls😊. Tomorrow I'll go shopping in the mall with Liz and Loree 😎🛍.

I´m not sad anymore, I'm better than ever hahaha. WE ARE THE CRAZIEST 😂🤪!

There's a subtype that tells what are they doing every millisecond of their lives via WhatsApp status like "Studying", "I went to the supermarket", "Taking a shower", "In the kitchen", "Sleeping"... Oh hell! Why they don't just write that they're busy? Some excuse themselves saying that if the use the "Not available" state instead of writing "Watching TV" in their status, their friends would insist on chatting. The blame is theirs anyway by joining with fickle people.

They can be attacked with sarcasm by using status like "Breathing", "Drinking water" or "Eating a sandwich".

"I never am here"

Hermit and fractious. In theory, he or she connects with the sole intention to inform his or her contacts that he or she isn't there. He or she is in "Not available" or "Absent" state 24/7. But the good thing is that he or she is really there. Is just that they prefer to be alone and in their onw business. It's extremely rewarding to send messages to an “I never am here” contact, because we know he or she really is there, and you know that he or she will read them. (Everyone reads them, even the contacts that we hate).

Philosopher

Who without infringing the "I'll-tell-you-my-life-story"'s rules writes in his status a little inspirational phrase. They're pleasant, you know who he or she is by just reading the phrase and normally their works are much better than the “Wow, what a nis bab with da woweee” type. Unfortunately the joy ends when discovering their obsession of opposing your ideas and to question everything you say, mocking you and trying to pretend superiority. There are 3 subtypes...

Mystical-Profound: You Read their phrases and then need 5 minutes to escape from a nostalgia and deep internal reflection hole.

Almanac: Changes their status everyday and brings your smartphone into life with a eloquence rainbow.

Usurper: Who tells you "Do you like the phrase? It's mine!", when it clearly isn't.

And the self-proclaimed genius:

"The world is running out of geniuses. Einstein died, Beethoven went deaf, and I have a headache"

Vulture

The guy whose adress book is filled exclusively with the girls' phone numbers that he could force out of them, or while stalking. Those girls usually show their scarce interest simply answering the initial "Hello" and suspending the conversation until you crack.

Marginated

They come over all "doomer" if you don't talk them on WatsApp or Telegram even if you are busy. They will start conversations with you every 5 minutes at least.

The psychopath

They are very crazy. If you are talking them with your smartphone, you'll notice their lack of social life, or any life for that matter. It's common that they have no feelings whatsoever. If they think that the video you posted sucked, they will make sure to rub it into your face, no matter what. They usually ignore you if you say "I'll talk later" and insist upon talking. Fortunately blocking does work, so long as you know how to use it properly, damnit.

Deserted

They're status is permanently set to "offline". This is usually because either they lost Internet connection alltogether, swapped smartphones, accounts or mobile providers without telling you, got their Wi-Fi cancelled, ran out of data or simply found something better to do than hang around WhatsApp or Telegram all day.

Vulturemates

The girls who attract the previously mentioned "vultures", but they keep them in the friend zone. They follow them around or maybe even get excited ("I have a cyberboyfriend, I'm the best! 😀"). They usually act like whores by sparing no details... ("Taking a shower", "Dressing up while talking", etc.) They use photos taken from a dating website and more slutty phrases. They're usually twinks, pedophiles, fat or complete munters no one would touch with a ten-foot dildo.

Speechless

The only things they ever send are emojis and stickers. Seriously. You could tell them your entire life story, they'd respond with a single emoji or sticker and nothing more.

Talkative

They love to stay off topic and constantly yap about their uninteresting life and other shit nobody cares about.

Consumerist indecisive

Speaks for itself, really. People who constantly change their phone number or account and request you add the new one every five seconds.

Linkers

Usually notorious spammers who try to impress one by sending out links to any websites that they find remotely cool and/or funny.

Dynamics

They swap everything around (background, user picture, etc). The ending result is that one will be blinded by said faggotry.

"Listen to this"

They believe their music is the best. They will send you songs at least 100 times, then constantly ask for your opinion. There is no answer that will make them go away, because they'll either respond with a nicely-sizd flamewar or some stupid phrase like "Did you listen to the guitar solo? Great, right?", depending on what you said.

The worst are those that begin with "Hey, listen this song" and never shuts the fuck up until you obey. You may think that you've gotten rid of him/her, FINALLY. But in a week or so they'll force you to listen the entire album in the same manner, and then the rest of the albums.

Fight fire with fire. The "Listen to this" usually listens to indie, underground, obscure or just any music that isn't aired in radio neither TV, and neither is found in YouTube and Spotify top lists. So to stop him/her you just say them something like "Thanks for sharing this, I really loved it. So in exchange I share Bebe Rexha's latest hit. Just watch her YouTube video, she's really good. Not by nothing she is in the top charts. Talent always wins!" This way he or she will stop sharing their music. Of course that they won't talk with you anymore too. Well, you can't have everything.

Comment whore

They're (usually) girls, the only thing they ever do is send their blog (or whatever) link to a comment box. Chain letters are almost certainly involved.

Txt

Thy spk lyk cmpleet rtrds nd mss out vowls or mssspll evry scond wrd, kk?

Oracle

Someone who devotes himself to giving love advice to girls. Most likely a pedophile. Sometimes they meet up and the magic happens.

Oracle philosopher

Gives advice to anyone about anything using incomprehensible metaphors to look intelligent/interesting/superior. For example, when asking what to do after being dumped by the partner, the Oracle philosopher will answer like this "Even if the light is turned off, you can still find the TV remote if you touch carefully the surface." Translated this means that you will find someone else.

69er

Is not a type, but a feature that can appear in every type, if anything is more often found with skanky girls. Is just about writing the 69 number besides the name to honor that sex position. So giving the idea of a hot person. The people using this number thinks in double sense with sexual intentions... When they can because their brains usually don't work.

Due to the high amount of these people, the possibility of considering the 69er as a variation of any type is specially pondered. (No to be confused with people born in the year 1969, because they wouldn't be that hot, they would be just Generation X aged ones (of course that some of them would want to have intimacy with millenial people or younger, but that's another story)).

The Loved One

Is the person that have in the status dedications for him/herself supposedly written by someone else (who doesn't even exist). Is usual with odious girls without boyfriends whose are supported by their friends (when they have them) to feel loved. So for them, those status makes them feel loved by someone else, so they pretend to be cool and sexy, but they really need a life... err we say a friend. The most (in)famous example is Lisa Simpson in that Lady Gaga episode. Even the best can fail.

Counter-trend

Instead of starting the conversation with "Hi, How're you?", they just charge straight into the topic they chose, or make it up as they go along. In the next conversation, when you ask them how they are, they do exactly the same thing as before.

Linux prick

Is a protozoan that claims to use Linux in his computer and Replicant in his smartphone because he hates Microsoft, Facebook, Amazon, Google, Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg like a nemesis. Usually boasts his situation calling you "n00b" and claiming superiority just by using Linux and Replicant. But the reality is another, because he is just a lifeless jerk who wants to be cool. The funny part is that he doesn't know anything about Linux neither custom ROMs, so he uses Windows and the Android of all life to connect to the Internet and chat with WhatsApp or Telegram.

So to get rid of him you just have to say "I'm not interested.", so he will get very angry and insult you (if he doesn't threaten to hack your smartphone using the calculator), when in reality your comment damaged his self esteem and made him feel like you just cut his soul in two.

Poser rebel

Is the person who instead of starting the conversation with "Hi, how are you?" he starts talking about the topic he already planned (if he didn't plan any he invents it). So you answer "I'm fine. And you?" and then he starts with his rants about that the society is crap, the TV and social networking rotting our brains, the consumerism, privatizations, the state, transgenic food, sionism and communism (if he is right-winged) and more Alex Jones like nonsense that crosses into conspiranoia that instead of informing, annoys. The issue is worse if he supports a political party or position or at least pretends to be the next Tyler Durden. After a week of silence, a conversation windows miraculously opens with a "Hi. How are you?" that feels like an apology and defeat.

Epileptic

Not very common, they are weird in their look, writing, user image, speaking, living, dying etc. But what is the most striking is their frequent faintings while using their computers or smartphones, with results like these:

oewiwoowowwjiewwwoowowowojojef

nian frifru fali fru

[b]___________________JU____________________[/b]

Smart one

The tipical contact who believes that is better than you, so anything you say is just stupid.

Example of a chat whith a "Smart One":

Normal: Hi.

Smart one: What an unoriginal greeting.

Normal: Mmmm yes, anyway. The weather is hot isn't it?

Smart one: If you weren't so weak you wouldn't feel the heat, idiot. By the way you write I can guess that you are just a loser that wastes his time stuck to his smartphone. And you surely like to rot your brain watching TV and using TikTok, you listen to Junk Pop Music and instead of an iPhone you use the cheap Android garbage or you are an America backstabber by using Huawei crap.

Normal: 🤨

So the "Smart One" removes Normal from his address book or viceversa.

Usually Hipsters and, in lesser degree, the Preppies and Alt-Rights are found in this category.

I want to debate (A.K.A. I want to have a million friends)

A common WhatsApp or Telegram contact, known or unknown, who forces you to join a group. So we, simple mortals with just regular smartphones get frozen so badly that removing the battery or restarting is the only cure. The problem gets worse, when just after opening WhatsApp or Telegram the asshole appears again with the stupid invitation. In case that our smarphone could endure the simple invitation, we realize that of the 15 listed contacts, just 3 or 5 are exchanging messages. Shortly after one after another contact will leave the conversation until the group has only 2 contacts: You and Him.

Hi-Goodbye

A semi new type, who connects, disconnects, then connects, then disconnects, then connects ad nauseaum to let you know that he just connected, or disconnected... We aren't sure. He wants to greet and say goodbye. "I just connected Talk to me." or "I'm leaving. Say me goodbye." He can also announce in his status that he arrived or is about to leave to annoy even more. Is a cousing of the Annoying.

Precocious

Is a spoiled child who YELLS you to give him WhatsApp or Telegram contacts. But not just that, he even gives you specifications: She/He must be pretty/handsome, tall, rich (this is the most common requirement), with more or less boobs/butt, with a videocall capable smartphone (Could you guess why?), dirty and lots other requirements to be his/her partner. Every he/she asks you for 30 contacts and if they doesnt' like them, the delete you. They are usually the people with the worst behavior ever, so they use WhatsApp or Telegram to "conceal" their identity. They just want to have cybersex o do cyberbullying and nothing more.