Odysseus
Odysseus, also known as "Odie", was a famous Greek weekend warrior who appears in two epic poems and multiple paintings. He also went to the Moon in the Apollo mission to conquer space for the USA.
This hero was the world's first "travel snob". The guy really liked to travel, and didn't hesitate to name-drop various locations he'd been to. ("Oh, you haven't been to the Underworld? You simply must go! You really haven't traveled until you've been to the Land of the Dead.") Really, the guy was just stuck on himself. How many people get lost for ten years on the other side of the world, then are still so proud of themselves that they name the whole thing after themselves? ("Oh, I really must tell you about my Odyssey some time. It really was something.")
Odysseus was famous for coining the phrase, "Are we there yet?" Even so, he was poor at giving directions. When Odie's wife, Penelope, told him to go get a pack of Trojans and some milk, he ended up not coming home from the grocery store at all. His son went to the wrong store to try to find him, but failed miserably.
Troy[edit]
Odysseus first appears as a minor Greek king who is summoned by his boss, Agamemnon, to attack the city of Troy for stealing Helen away from her boorish husband Menelaus. Odysseus is reluctant to go as he has a poor sense of geography. He also thinks Helen was really a bit of a boot — despite once trying to gain her hand before marrying second choice Penelope on the rebound.
Odysseus gained the reputation of being 'Mr Brains' of the Greek operation against Troy. The other leaders of the Greek army (Ajax the Greater, Ajax the Lesser and temper-tantrum kid Achilles) were hot-headed and stupid. Odysseus tried to act the diplomat but could not keep a straight face when in conference with his fellow 'heroes'. One memorable falling-out was with the Big Ajax over who had first dibs on Achilles' belongings when he was killed by an arrow to the heel. So bitter was this feud that, to prevent blows between Ajax and Odysseus (and their respective allies), there was an attempt to divide up Achilles's gear. Ajax lost the vote, went mad and then killed himself.
Odysseus planned to enter Troy via a wooden horse. Anyway, he took full credit and helped sack the city. He didn't take any of the remaining Trojan bluebloods as personal slaves; he just helped himself to the loot and sailed away. It should have been a simple return trip, but Odysseus's notoriously poor map-reading saw him lose ships and men to various enemies including an ugly, unmannered cyclops called Polyphemus. The latter captured Odysseus and his men. The giant ate his way through the Greeks until Odysseus got Polyphemus drunk on some home-brew wine and poked his eye out. This rendered the giant helpless, but he was well connected. His dad was the God Poseidon, who took the maiming of his son personally. He vowed to wreck Odysseus's travel plans for the next 10 years.
Honey, I'm home![edit]
Odysseus bounced around the map trying to find the way home. Each time he got close, Poseidon would stir up the waves with his trident and wash Odysseus further away. Amongst his adventures were with a banjo-playing minor goddess called Calypso, and another immortal known as a Circe who was a witch and liked to turn men into pigs. (Or was it the other way around?) Odysseus even got into the Underworld, where he chatted with dead allies like Agamemnon and Achilles (but not Al Capone). Only Ajax the Greater refused to chat. He sulked in the corner chewing his ghostly fingernails.
Finally, Odysseus was plonked on a deserted beach near his palace in Ithaca. He was found by his son Telemarketing (or Telemachus for short) who at first thought the weird man was just a washed up hobo. Luckily, Odysseus's old hound Argos recognised his master. The loyal dog barked once, wagged his tail and then fell over and died. Telemachus realised it was Dad, a man he last saw as a baby.
Odysseus was flat broke. He had lost all his men, money and favourite fustanella, otherwise known as a Greek kilt. In the meantime, Penelope had found herself besieged by creditors (those who had financed the initial voyage to Troy) and suitors who wanted to marry her, claiming Odysseus was away with the Sirens on the Nile.
Eventually, the battered Greek hero gained secret access to his own palace (via the tradesmen's entrance) with the help of his son Telemachus. They shot down all the creditors and suitors. Penelope emerged from the bedroom, fearful that her husband was going to kill her too for 'entertaining' various would-be hubbies. But Odysseus just said that being involved in two epics was enough for any man and just asked for his favourite slippers.
Post-epic adventures[edit]
Odysseus and Penelope became homebodies after they re-united. There was a lot of cleaning up the palace. Penelope changed the staff by hanging most of her personal servants for being over-familiar with the unwanted suitors. Odysseus spent his time sitting on a deck chair in the garden playing fetch with Argos Junior.
Quite a few years later a tall, good-looking Greek youth turned up at the palace 'looking for his dad'. He was Telegenos, the telegenic son of Circe and er...Odysseus. The old king was none too happy to have Telegenos. A family argument between Odysseus, Penelope, Telegenos and Telemachus lead to everyone getting stabbed with a poisoned spear. Since no one had private Hellenic health insurance, Telegenos suggested they all head off to Circe as she knew how to heal deadly wounds and headaches.
Odysseus died before he could reach his old girlfriend's abode but Circe was able to heal everyone else. As it was also in her power to make anyone immortal and youthful, Circe suggested everyone stay on her island and get married. Penelope could marry Telegenos, thus making Circe her mother-in-law whilst Circe took Telemachus as her husband. So everyone was sort of happy. Except Odysseus; he stayed old and dead. Athena left him in Hades. Odysseus forgot how fickle Greek gods could be.