Giraffe
| Giraffe | |
|---|---|
 Alan Smith, warming up before another dreadful performance | |
| Scientific classification | |
| Kingdom | Animals, of course. What else? |
| Phylum | Mammals aka "boobs" |
| Class | African Land Mammals |
| Order | Weirdus |
| Family | Longus |
| Genus | Neckus |
| Species | Thingus |
| Binomial name | |
| Weirdus Longus Neckus Thingus | |
| Specifications | |
| Primary armament | Weather Controller |
| Secondary armament | Witch Doctor Disease |
| Power supply | Biomass processor |
| Health | 3000 |
| Mana | 300 |
| Strength | 100 KiloWatts |
| Intelligence | Weather Channel |
| Weight | 1210 Lb. |
| Length | (9'5)-(90'5) Ft |
| Special attack | Peekaboo |
| Conservation status | |
| Overpopulation | |
Giraffes are mythical, long-necked, spotty, creatures of the genus Weirdus-Longus-Neckus-Thingus. Also known by some as the common draff or lesser spotted graff. Though giraffes are usually known as agile animals, they can vary considerably in weight. Giraffes have been often called winstons for their tall nature, and eloquent stride.
Sometimes, giraffes are actually Giant zebra horses, or several dogs taped together.
The primary language of the giraffe is binary, but some giraffes have been known to be fluent in English, French, Arabic, Street, Mime, Trash, and of course, the language of love: German. Giraffes are often very good Minesweeper players. In the presence of humans they have an unsettling cry similar to "LADLE-LADLE-LADLE".
The most famous giraffe of all time is the Liverpool player Peter Crouch who was the first giraffe to gain legal citizenship to a predominantly white country. Alan Smith is also famous for his invention of the John Prescott machine. The most well known giraffe in Australia is Paddy Fittock, a spring-heeled defender for the Australian Rules football club, Sturt, in the SANFL competition.
The largest natural cause of deaths in giraffes is lightning. Their large height and electromagnetic antennae makes them vulnerable in lightning storms, but also means they can pick up radio transmissions from distances of up to 700 miles away. This pseudo-radio can be tuned in with the giraffe's nipples.
Giraffology, the study of giraffes and giraffe-shaped objects such as Peter Crouch, is Hull University's most applied for degree course.
The giraffes roam throughout the African safari. They are also found in dense population zones of humans, where they are known to make use of a mixture of alien and advanced giraffe technology to shrink themselves to humans sizes, in order to study the human race. This phenomenon has been recorded for many years, and the Giraffes are believed to have intel on every human organization, from the CIA to PETA. A high concentration of these humanoid giraffes has been found in the Midwest regions of the United States, for some inexplicable reason. A noted person believed to be a Giraffe man is British actor Matt Smith, famed for playing The Doctor in the fifth season of Doctor Who. There are many ways to find out if someone is actually a giraffe, but the most reliable one is an inability to keep leafy plants, such as lettuce, inside their mouths when eating.
Some scholars, such as Albus Dumbledore and Marie Curie, defend the theory that giraffes do not in fact exist, and are simple mind tricks done by the Blue Man Group (also alien spies, albeit slightly less subtle ones) in order to further confound the minds of all humans.
Giraffes can reach around and clean their own anus, but choose not to. Instead they employ hippopotamus to clean it for them.
The giraffes natural enemy is its complete opposite, the Mongolian Jumping Flounder. Luckily for the giraffe it is rarely found in Africa.
All male Giraffes are called Geoffry.
The King of the giraffes is Mr. B.W an infamous giraffologist. He is most famously known for saying "Je conduis le giraffe!" in his native tongue Frenglish, which is a sub-language of all giraffes.
History and Orgin[edit]
It is believed by evolutionist scientists, that some million years ago Camelopard Girrafids evolved from tiny worm like creatures known as "Jim". (The Jim evolved from rocks, which evolved from water, which evolved from the nothing of the universe.) The CG's later evolved into Michael Jackson. Scientists have yet to find the missing link between Michael Jackson and Giraffe, and while some cling to this theory others conclude that the giraffe is actually the spawn of Michael Jackson's victims, and were some how conceived through the power of an anti-matter explosion during the act of "Surprise butt sex".
Giraffes almost became extinct in 1953 due to the 5 year ice-age that prevailed when Nelson Mandella farted. The population was halved by 1954. Luckily, due to the invention of the turtle neck in 1955, the population levels stabilized at 10,000 and have risen since. Turtles, however, have not fared as well.
The future of giraffes was put to the test when Noah would not let any of them into his ark. They managed to cut a deal with the unicorns, who traded 2 of their 6 places for an ancient giraffe cookie recipe. Of course, after the flood, the giraffes eliminated the unicorn species, in order to keep their recipe safe, which is still a well kept secret to this day. Giraffes are the only animal, apart from humans, that have wiped out an entire species of animal for entertainment purposes (the woolly mammoth in 1823 and the giant squid in 1967).
Twilight Sparkle and her group of nasty pony wives are constantly competing with giraffes for Goh Pai Shen's affection.
Lifestyle[edit]
Giraffes are well-known for their conversational skills and their love of interpretive dance and tacos. They also enjoy many quiz shows, including Deal Or No Deal and The Weakest Link. Giraffes are also great philosophers, but despise llamas and their philosophy.
A group of giraffes is called a raft.
Giraffes are mainly pacifists, but have a tendency to commit ritual blood killings of reindeer.
During World War II, the storm of the beaches of Normandy would not have been possible without the aid of the giraffe's long necks. The allied powers began to run out of ladders in the first few hours of the invasion and the giraffes (fresh off of their campaign against Erwin Rommel) stormed onto the beaches and allowed the allies to scale Point Du Hoc.
Most people say that giraffes are plant eaters. But they are so wrong. On my recent trip to Himalimalasisa, I saw a giraffe eating a 4,000,000 pound whale along with its own faeces (poop). Giraffes can run at over 78 mph and often grow to an astonishing 89 feet tall. They are known to be very prestigous and wondrous animals. In 1999 a giraffe was caught climbing the Empire state building and the Eiffel tower at the very same time.
Giraffes establish dominance within the raft using potato guns.
The giraffe also enjoys a cup of tea in the morning, which surprises scientists in their latest research book named "The Giraffe - Undrinking tea animals". They also like stargazing, but it is hazardous for them, for when the wind changes the giraffe's neck often stiffens, leaving them in a uncomfortable stance. They sleep three hours a day, but they Don't Fear the Reaper. They eat from trees and play MineSweeper. They will strike when the time is right, then eat your brains for their delight.
According to a documentary from Staten Island University, giraffes come from outer-space and were sent here to destroy the humans. This reliable and insightful documentary also said that they like playing minesweeper, they eat brains, drink gasoline and spit out fire, and fly on bat wings. They can also rap really well.
Anatomy and Morphology[edit]
Height[edit]
Most people don't know this, but giraffes are pretty tall. Yes, I know. Take a moment to gasp if you'd like. I'm sure this information is very surprising for you. When the author of this article found out, he almost crapped my pants. The reason God designed them this way is so they could be basketball players. Unfortunately, he forgot to give them opposable thumbs to pick up the ball with. This is why they live in the jungle instead. Nice one, God!
Neck[edit]
The giraffe's long neck is specially designed for necking with other males, a sort of gay mating ritual for the homosexually inclined. Since 1981, when the popular and explicitly gay pop band Wham! released their first album, there has been a noted increase in homosexual giraffe activity. Such activities include but are not limited to, going to gay bars, all male strip clubs, and Beauty and the Beast on broad-way. Because of its neck, the giraffe is the only animal besides a human that can deepthroat.
Alien Controversy[edit]
Ever since they were deported from Africa to entertain the fat children of America, there has been a controversy of the true homeland of giraffes. "I mean, just look at them. They have a neck like a construction crane, and freaking polka dots," says some important scientist from Brown University. Under such evidence some scientists argue that it is impossible that giraffes could in fact be from earth.
Giraffes have appeared in stories and photos of alien encounters ever since the controversy began. One particularly disgruntled redneck, Ian Mackey claimed that he saw two soldiers forcing a giraffe into a government hangar. Ian's obsession with animals and alien life forms have landed him in a juvenile detention center...but back to giraffes. Another states "And just when I had them aliens locked up real good in a monster double nelson, damn giraffe comes and laser beams me. Or maybe it was one of them tribal ladies with dem necks that ya hear about on the TV box." However the CIA as usual, regarded these accounts as false.
Non-Believers of the alien controversy claim that the witnesses might have been confused with "that guy from star wars with the big neck, you know the ones that clone people?" However, it is likely that the controversy will continue as long as people can't find something better to do.
Giraffes in Art and Media[edit]
Geoffrey the Giraffe: In the 1960s Toys' R Us inflicted their new mascot upon an unsuspecting populous. On August 6 1969, scientists captured Geoffrey and transported him in the middle of the night to a secret underground facility. They had hopes that the success of this mission would prove the relations between Michael Jackson and the giraffe, however the tests were long, disappointing, and ultimately fruitless. So in the summer of 1970, Geoffrey was released from custody and immediately arrested by a sheriff in Kansas City for alleged Child Abuse. A little known fact about him was that he was actually a giraffeapotomus, and this caused the jury to be biased towards the yodelling cheesestick. He was sentenced to a year in federal prison, where he met his future partner in crime, the "Paedoh Bear".
Another Criminal Giraffe is "that one out of Dumbo" whom unfortunately, in a bazaar twist of events ate the stork that came to deliver her cub or whatever you call baby Giraffes, it's irrelevant.
Famous giraffes include Gary Oldman, who starred in the blockbuster smash-hit "I Am the Walrus", playing the role of Walrus. Ellen DiGiorno was the first lesbian-pizza-giraffe hybrid that conquered Europe in the late 1800s. Queen Elizabeth IX (1945-1938) was a closet giraffe; she would put on a mask to disguise herself as a human to make public appearances. Only those that were very close to her, such as ex-lover Dick Cheney who was a tortoise, and best friend Michael Q. Myers, knew of her true identity. Perhaps the most famous giraffe of all time is legendary pawnstar Ron Jeremy, known for his abnormally big neck, which reaches an astounding length of 13 ft.
Courtship and Mating[edit]
Giraffes love to get their freak on. In fact, many European naturalists went blind after witnessing the courtship ritual of Giraffes. This, combined with scientists' lack and social acumen and propensity for masturbation, lead society to believe that if you jerked off too much you'd go blind. The giraffe is directly responsible for this.
Male Giraffes, when they are feeling randy, go in search of a receptive female. Giraffes rely upon senses other than eyesight to find the right mate. This is due to giraffes having poor eyesight due to their low self-esteem. They are self-aware enough to know how ugly and weird they look, so they never looked at their reflections in pools of water. Evolution picked the giraffes with their eyes on the sides of their heads to reproduce, because they are less aware of how god damn ugly they are.
Male giraffes will follow a potential female mate around trying to figure out if she is receptive. The male giraffe will repeatedly slam his head against her posterior until she urinates on the ground. This gave rise to the phrase: "hittin' that ass". The male, uncertain of her receptiveness to some lovin', despite his repeated head-to-ass whacks, will lower his head to the ground, taste, and swallow the female's urine. If the female's piss is yummy, the male giraffe knows he can proceed to the next phase of courtship: gay sex.
After a male finds himself a ready and willing female, other males try to get in on the action. The result? Lots and lots of gay sex. When males fight, they swing their heads and necks at their opponent's neck, but they never really inflict serious harm. This fighting often ends with the two combatants rubbing their necks on each other, then the winner mounts the loser and has sex with him - all the way. This will happen a lot.
Eventually when the male tires of gay sex, he returns to the female, but as one can imagine, he is often tired and just wants to go to sleep. Giraffes sleep only a few minutes out of the day, and do it standing up, so when the female gets frustrated that she's not getting what she wants, she will slam her head into his ass, and try to pee on the ground right in front of him, so he can drink her piss. Once he does so, sex between the pair is very brief, lasting only a few seconds. Thus ends he giraffe courtship and sex.