Nerds

“A nerd can trick you into signing a contract... or worse... making you read whats actually written there”
~ Osama bin Laden

A typical young nerd looking up bad stuff on a computer.

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Nerds.

Nerds. You've seen them everywhere, In your school, your bus, your house, and sometimes in your bathroom. They're the kids who experimented on mice at a young age. They're the ones who bring a lunch of saltines and mayonnaise to school. They're the ones with naked posters of Kathy Bates in their bedrooms. Nerds are defined by their ability to be good at nothing, except those things that matter, but actually, nerds are people who where brainwashed by the Americans. This tactic was known as, "Operation Alpha". Now, all the nerds are deactivated and the American government uses them to level the country's I.Q. level, making up for all the dumbass southerners down there. Nerds are extremely smart, but low in physical power.

It is extremely difficult to change nerds' personality and behaviour but some of them miraculously recovers. In some rare cases, like the ones of Neo and Peter Parker, a nerd becomes a superhero. But at the end of the day, nerds are nerds, you nerd. But some nerds become hackers or nerdy supervillains - their minds are twisted and controlled to help the machines to achieve one purpose... GLOBAL DOMINION.

Birth

Nerds are the result of being brainwashed and genetically modified by AI machines created by mad scientists. This process starts when the victims are infants. This makes the victims either obese or skinny and lack certain social abilities. Because AIs are not programmed by their creators to reproduce themselves in case something goes wrong them, AIs need nerds to find out way to reproduce AI machines. Of course, you can automatically qualify for becoming a nerd/loser/geek by having the name Fuck. Originally geeks were boys at carnivals who bit off the heads of chickens

Territories of Nerds

"You spilled coffee on my laptop!!"

Nerds are very territorial mutants with large area of territory both in porn and physical world. Although nerds lack physical strength and skills, they are extremely dangerous for their high intelligence capable of creating effective plans to stop intruders with traps and stealth. But when it comes to protecting their territories in cyberspace, intruders will not even last for 0.0001 seconds.

The following is the list of places owned by nerds:

Internet Internet is probably one of the places where you are most likely to be attacked by nerds.
Net Cafe Do not spill anything on computers occupied by nerds. In a second, they will attack you like the Star Wars Kid.
Comic Book Stores Every once and a while someone will walk in looking for a good story, but they are mostly ruled by nerds. Do not attempt to take anything limited edition, or they will eat you whole.

Types of Nerds

2-year old nerd

Despite popular belief, the 2-year old nerd is, in fact, not 2 years old, but has a mental flaw that has disabled the brain's aging, creating a very rare and particular sub-group of nerds. The 2-year old nerd was not discovered until early 2003, when a Norwegian study was performed.

The 2-year old nerd can be very childish, (hence the name) and believes that such things as invisible cucumbers exist, and that saying "Swede!" (a cabbage-like vegetable) at the most pointless occasions is in some way amusing. The 2-year old nerd hates music, except for music that has NO musical value, but rather has a comedic lyrical value about poop. The 2-year old nerd can "nerd run", which is a form of running involving running in an almost 90 degree angle and moving very slowly.

As a reminder, the 2-year old nerd is only a sub-group, and can be gaming nerds, lol nerds, or any other type of nerd.

Cultist Nerd

These nerds belong to a huge group (sometimes several) completely obsessed with a science-fiction franchise. Their freakish obsession with science fiction often extends to having a portrait of George Lucas beside their beds. The two biggest of these cults are the Star Wars cult and the Star Trek cult, and when the two cults converge, the result is dozens of nerds armed with bookshelves of trivia vainly arguing over which series is better, that is to say less tedious. Cultist Nerds are even looked down upon by other nerds, which is truly tragic. Their only skill is reciting an infinite amount of useless Star Wars or Star Trek lore, much of which they invent on the spot, and their only rebuttal is to insist that their opponent is using material from comic books, which everyone knows are not canon.

Nerdsters

This type of nerds are extremely dangerous. They can be recognized by their attitude and behaviour and looks. They are far superior than other nerds. They consider themselves as the master nerds which was a successful mission from the Soviets when Hitler started the Nerdzi Youth movement. They wear shirts with stripes and pants that start from their chest which are carefully ironed and tucked in. They wear heavy glasses and polished shoes. They victimize kids by the roadside by asking math questions like "Yo dawg! Whats 2 2 huh?" People who fails to answer are kidnapped and forced to watch 9 hours of continuous educational television. This brainwashes the kids and turns them into slaves of nerds. Their jobs are to turn pages and flush toilets. When not enslaving the human race, they can be found in super secret meetings called Academic Bowl where they get together and have nerd-offs.

Closet Nerd

These nerds, still young in development and not yet past their shyness, are not yet proud of their nerd status heritage or culture. This is widely believe to be the most popular type of nerd since they can be found in almost every occupation and every social group. They often find themselves in conversation with other types of nerd, fully understanding, but not admitting to their own involvement in the nerd community. If you are reading this page and you don't think you are a nerd, you are a closet nerd!

Annoying Type of Nerd

A typical nerd's dream girl.

These nerds are generally the least disrespected type of nerd because they do things that others think are cool so that they are not completely ostracized. Or, they are generic nerds who proudly admit they are nerds. Although this results in sterilization, there are some people who respect their courage and decide to be friends with them any way. Their skills are:

Knowing when to shut up.
Bragging about all the ~~Gay~~, ~~Bestiality~~, ~~Plant~~, ~~Video Game Nude Mod~~, Human porn they watch.
Pretending to have a boyfriend/girlfriend/both.
They pretend to know how to play the guitar.
Pretending to know what cool people are talking about.

Extrovert nerds fit into this category, or would fit, except that it is a contradiction in terms. Though a nerd who starts glad-handing you is plenty annoying, he is surely only pretending to be a nerd and must want something from you.

The smart type of nerd

They may do the following

Memorize a complicated work, such as pi, the Periodic table, and 7th-dimensional algebra, and pretend as though people care.
Understand the workings of Facebook, but have little use for it, for they have no friends.
Buy a device, such as a smoke detector, for the sole purpose of taking it apart
As an extention of the above scenario, attempt to take it apart to figure out how it works, although it is unnecessary, as people have already built it!
Care about balls of gas located light years away from us.
Care about an extinction of a species that does little good to mankind.
Do everything important in the world, such as become actors, write books, make the best TV shows, drinks, I-phones, websites and companies making billions of dollars.

Unfortunately around half of what matters to most people consists of being popular with your next door neighbours and having a social life within 1/2 mile of you.

The problem is nerds always look at the big picture and always do great things, but since people are so cloistered and look at the small picture, the nerd is forever socially rejected and finds this the primary and disturbing problem of his life, despite making such a great, albeit unknown and important difference in the lives of others.

They also try to redeem their integrity by making whiny, passive-aggressive entires on Urban Dictionary, Uncyclopedia etc. Nerds convince themselves into a delusion that making self-adulating statements to strangers on the Internet is helping their case. They also have a false, self-regarding sense of superiority that is an obvious defense mechanism stemming from the bitterness of being chosen last in gym class. True geniuses such as Nikola Tesla are rolling over in their graves over a nerd's delusion that overindulging in non-important activities (video games, anime etc) is a hallmark of astronomical intelligence. Due to being locked in their bedrooms covered by black bedsheets, a nerd is entirely unaware of the contingent of non-nerds who have also accomplished great things.

Nerd Habits

Language

Many nerds are extremely proficient in English. They rarely use slang, mostly use big words, and may habitually try to fix other people's grammar. Younger nerds may put their skills to the test at sporting competitions called "spelling bees" and "poetry contests."

Along with the ability to communicate in English, nearly all nerds are able to communicate in code languages including (but not limited to) ASCII, binary, Morse, Java, HTML, and C . They mainly do so with other nerds, but may rarely break out in long spiels as a way to confuse and escape their natural predators. Nerds also take latin classes. Additionally, they may also know Chinese, Indian, or another equally complex language.

The Nerd Diet

Most nerds live off a diet of ordered fast-food and nik-naks, consisting usually of Mountain Dew and pizza, as they dare not venture far from their nest. Nerds have a unique stomach due to the necessities of the virus: it bypasses protein completely*. This is why nerds are skinny and have massively underdeveloped physiques. Nerds also miss many essential vitamins from only eating fast food and drinking through a straw.

It should be noted that although nerds bypass protein, they absorb more fat than any other species. They become large and will never mate. These nerds should be treated as if they were grues, except that kittens have no effect on them. They will, however, use you to fill their rather large appetite if you're not careful. Only an experienced blackbelt should approach them, as they are the only ones who know how to avoid letting the nerd turn his weight against them.

It should also be noted that on rare occasions, a condition called Weirdis paradoxis transcendental thinneningis can occur when the nerd loses the ability to lose the ability to bypass protein. The nerd stays thin, but develops strange forehead ridges, abnormal ear growth, muscle growth and repeatedly tries to order a strange imaginary foodstuff known only as gagh from takeaways.

As a result of these eating habits, nerds tend to generate the condition ACNE, or "Acute Contagious Nerditus Enfeeblement". Some symptoms of this disorder are: frail and skinny stature OR grossly obese, obscene and horrific amounts of dandruff, decreased vision (although this also is accelerated by facing the computer for a shitload of time), and shrinking of the genital region due to obscene amounts of consuming lard and lack of usage. Due to the odd stature of nerds, questionable fashion and nerdy attire ensues.

Lifestyle

Yo Dogg, check out my NES Dogg! It's hella real, Dogg.

Most (but not all) nerds are semi-nocturnal creatures, and will sleep for a few hours during the day before returning to their computer. The majority of the time a Nerd spends on his/her computer will be on internet forums, where they will sneer at everything they consider to be of a lower class than them, which, they believe, is everything. And when they carry out vocal conversation with other nerds, if any at all, they would inevitably sneer at everyone whose specialty is of a lower class than their art of programming, which they also believe everything is; an exception to this is when they are talking with non-nerds, whom they will never have the balls to attack in real life.

Despite their being defenseless against non-nerds, these "uncool nerds" will nevertheless be regarded as losers who are too stupid and pathetic to understand the higher human truth shared by the Nerd community, a place where these blasphemers would suffer from eternal damnation (for example, in an Internet forum); the effects of this damnation in real life are still in question, though. Many Nerds have put forward theories that Nerdom is the highest state of being, which have later proved to be wrong.

Typical nerd seeing a man.

The social life of the Nerd consists of e-mailing other Nerds (using internally programmed toasters), school/college/university, and the single out-nest meeting place of Nerds, comic book stores. Many nerds are also to be found in stores such as "LEGEND", "MYTHOLOGY", "BEST BUY", or "TOYS 'R' US"(with the exception of being under 12 or buying a present). Sometimes, Nerds hang out in the baby's section in the local store, claiming to want to fit in. Most of the time, nerds talk in their widely accepted languages such as binary. This continues to baffle leading experts on nerdology. The other pastime of the Nerd is playing Dungeons and Dragons, which is a board game mainly consisting of imagining things, and has been condemned by the Catholic Church as being an introduction to the Dark Arts, and that all who play will burn in Heck. Often, they will claim to be superior by being a level 62 dragon-knight with mithril-plated boots in various games.

Often Nerds have loads of friends (on their favourite games). These games can be Diablo 2, Half Life 2 Deathmatch, Lineage 2, Spore, Aion, or any combination of these games. These friends are frequently NPC's or other Nerds. Most Nerds take pride in having a level 62 dragon-knight with mithril-plated boots that they spent 47,268 hours on getting for a couple pixels.

Playas (not cool) vs. Players (cool)

Nerds call themselves "game players", while pimps call themselves "playas of the game." There's a difference. Nerds try to impress people with how they can play A game. That means they play a game like and show the noobs who's Boss. (read: fag). Pimps try to impress people with how they play The game. It means that they pick up a fine girl and show the haters who's Boss. (read: closet fag).

Religion

The majority of Nerds are believers in Star Trek, a mysterious religion based around an old space expedition. Nerds will flock thousandfold to conventions, where they will dress up as their Gods and perform strange and terrible rituals. There is no official head of the Nerd religion, though the announcer at the convention is treated as a nominal leader. The God Spock is thought of as the ideal for all Nerds, none of whom ever attain such a state. Interestingly, all Nerds are secretly attracted to the Goddess Captain Janeway. Other than that, Atheism, Scientology, or Judaism, and Buddhism or Hinduism are the religions of choice. There also have been known cases of Satan worship among nerds who play D&D, they can also be Christian, but most incorporate Star Trek lore into the bible. For instance, when Jesus died a final time after the resurrection, some Christian nerds refer to this as the "great beaming." The entity that performed this feat is known as the archangel Scotty (beam me up).

But like any religion, the "Trekkies" clash and feud and fight over pity differences. Star Wars fans are the worst kind for them. Also to be aware of Babylon 5, Stargate, and Doctor Who And Primeval faiths. It's obvious these nerds will believe in ANYTHING, even Scientology and Atheism. Tell them about the FSM, they will run and cry for their moms. (It's evident that a nerd wrote the previous sentence, trying to spread his nerd cult. Another tactic used by nerds who like to compare themselves to X-files fan Richard Dawkins and Willy Wonka)

Nerds and race

Coolest nerd ever to grace the screen.

Nerds can come in all races (the Asian from The Revenge of the Nerds), colors (Steve Urkel), shapes and sizes. There are Nerd girls too, like the one from the movie She's All That. Nerdiness is associated with college-educated upper-class white guys in high tech (Bill Gates and your mom) and financial sectors.

The nerdish race was a term used by the populations of both Nerds and non-nerds. While the Nerds use it as a symbol of their self-proclaimed technical superiority, the non-nerds deem it more appropriate to use it to classify the Nerds out of their community. Nerds have this wonderful brain known as a nerd brain.

Many Nerds envisage a day, most probably inspired by science fiction which sets the stage at 40,000 AD, when the nerdish race becomes the only race capable of creating and maintaining culture and civilization, while other races such as the "handsome race" and the "socially presentable race", will be barely able to sustain their lives without help from the Nerds. Many books and movies have put forward this glorious vision of their future; most notably, The Revenge of the Nerds.

A nerd

Nerds and S.E.X.

Building your own girlfriend, a dream pursued longer than creating gold. Ever notice that she lookes like your mom.

It is a commonly held misconception that nerds have zero sex drive, as all the hormones in their bodies escape through burst pimples and evaporates into the surrounding air. In truth, the Nerd is merely a painfully shy beast incapable of communications with the opposite sex unless helped by prodigious amounts of alcohol (thirty pints for their standards). This handicap is exacerbated by the fact that the nerd who manages to actually flirt with a woman will almost always be rejected due to his skeletal physique/acne/Dungeons and Dragons anecdotes/fully-erect penis the size of a TI-86. This is in fact a sad situation as, once house-trained, a Nerd will often make a loyal and loving companion for a young lady. The closest they usually come to this is fantasizing of their god (Spock) or goddess (Captain Janeway).

On the rare chance a nerd mates it's usually with a female nerd specimen. A nerd's mating call will consist of any line from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail." Any nerd within a hundred mile radius will continue the skit, making it possible for the first speaker to locate nerds of the opposite sex. They do not have sexual intercourse due to size of sexual organs, thus they have "verbal sex" or over the internet "cyber sex". Both of their IP addresses then (L2P Nub) merge and go into a cybernetic fetal stage. The baby then springs circular from the disk drive of the mother and rapidly grows and changes shape. The offspring are known as nerdlings and develop into full nerds upon adolescence. However, even among nerds this is rare because female nerds are nigh-on non-existent and there are no girls on the internet. Not to mention that the mating rituals involve complicated application of charm spells, which a nerd's natural instincts will repel against because they represent a form of commitment. Contrary to popular belief, Nerds do in fact need sex. Due to their unique genetic nature, their sex partners are almost always their computers and their self. During their sexual arousal, their faces will undergo muscle restructuring and their facial Nerd characteristics will automatically manifest themselves such that they look like having suffered from extreme fire burn. Reports from the latest research showed that some 30% of Nerds do cry out during orgasm, which is effectively their only chances of practicing their vocal folds, while the remaining 70% who survive to the age where they are capable of ejaculation have already lost their oral speaking abilities or have finally realised nobody listens to them, and have stopped talking completely.

For Nerds, their definition of safe sex is a bit different from others'. For them, safe sex is when they jerk off with a clean moist towel, while unsafe sex is widely regarded as jerking off with a rotten moist towel stained with sperm from last week (or last hour) or those used by other Nerds in their village-like community.

Even that guy who had no life and only lived in his house and sculpted his own girlfriend or wife out of marble or stone or something because he couldn't get one and adorned her with so many jewels because he loved her so much, was a nerdy guy.

The only reason we remember them was because they were strange, and because we only remember strange things then the whole of our history is filled with strange things, because of this we tend to think the past was a lot stranger.

But false, history only documents strange and out of the norm things, life was still fairly normal back then with ipods and stuff, it was only the strange things like the guy sculpting his girlfriend to masturbate to that they documented, and since only nerds do strange things then you might as well say history only documents nerds.

Even the sparsely documented referenced things weren't documented that much because they were so normal that they didn't need to be documented.

In fact you can be sure that everything you read in history that is now such common knowledge must have been strange back then because that's why they documented it.

Standard desperate nerd seeking "good times" on the internets

Imagine what the future will think when they read our newspapers, women with 13 babies, guy keeps women in his basement, war and famine everyday, guy with a horn on his head, strange world it must be, even actors are messed up, wait till they read how our celebrities do things called drugs and commit suicide. Strange world, strange world.

Predators of the Nerd

The main natural predator of the Nerd is the bully. Nerds live in perpetual fear of bullies, and will scuttle from dark corner to dark corner when they leave the nest. Bullies can sniff out a Nerd from two-hundred metres, as the Nerd releases a hormonal chemical called geekisterone when they sweat, speak, and/or urinate. The only way nerds can fight back is on-line. The Nerds usually become administrators of various on-line activities where they take revenge on the bullies. For example Uncyclopedia, and its lame satire Wikipedia, were established so that Nerds will be able to delete whatever the bullies have written, while referring to some obscure "Law of Uncyclopedia". Since then, the internet has become nerds' natural habitat, in which they have relative security from bullies.

Other lesser predators of Nerds are idiots, stupid people, and numbskulls, many of who have the ability to mentally subdue, overcome, and attack Nerds.

NERD HELL

Protection from Nerds

When confronted by an angry nerd ( its RuneScape account etc), always remember to make as little physical contact as possible - nerds can be rabid, sweaty, smelly, diseased (though seldom with STDs), or they may even have a life-size figure of the U.S.S. Enteprise, fully equipped with all its weapons, shields, and a small plastic Captain Kirk. If you have a o mag, old comic, packet of nik naks etc. spare, then you may wish to offer this to the nerd as a peace offering. If not, try to escape (anywhere with daylight or running water/soap is good). If this seems impossible, simply wedgie them or tell them that their science project sucks, which will likely lower their self-confidence back down where it belongs. While the nerd mopes, make your getaway.

Common Nerd-spotting Mistakes

When a nerdwatcher spots a Nerd wandering down the street he has to make sure that the nerd is an actual nerd and not a Geek. Nerds are a subspecies of Geeks with a lower IQ rating, and are smaller, more frail, and more acne-covered than geeks. The best test of true Nerd or Geek is to check the nest.

The Nerd nest is grungy, dark and rank, and will feature a large selection of books pertaining to Dungeons & Dragons, and a chemistry set for trying to get rid of acne as well as a computer. The proper Geek's nest is probably Wikipedia. Another outstanding feature of a Geek that separates it from the true Nerds is that Geeks, especially of the Pencil Neck variety, are often hunted by professional wrestler Classy Freddie Blassie, who once swore to kill all grit-eatin', scum-suckin', dirty smelly pepper-bellied cotton-pickin' freaks (Pencil Neck Geeks).

Unfortunately, due to global warming, pollution and other mysterious circumstances a further sub-species of Nerd has emerged. This form of Nerd once resembled a human but the lure of a glowing computer screen and the seeming elusive "coolness" forced them into harmful activities such as Counter-Strike and in a ever downward spiral they find themselves playing World of Warcraft. These beings may resemble humans to a certain extent, but simply mention one of their fetish-games around them and you will see what they truly are.

There are also many misconceptions as to what classes of Nerds there are. Class 3 Nerds are the lesser evolved and are usually found in the footsteps of a Class 1 or 2 Nerd. Class 3 Nerds have no common sense, but alas common sense isn't that common anymore. Class 2 Nerds are those whose life's purpose is to become the ultimate Nerd or Class 1 Nerd. The ultimate Nerd is someone who will get into arguments with others such as "Everyone knows you at least need a hyper drive to outrun the Millennium Falcon" and "The star ship Enterprise has some serious design flaws that could be fixed with a simple antimatter global discombobulation device". Class 1 Nerds will spend hours at a time constantly rearranging their Yu-Gi-Oh: the Gathering deck to better trick the opponent. They have been found to draw immaculate paintings which apparently say "I love my spleen!".

Luckily, Glamour magazine has published some tips on being nerdy. Below are a few of the suggestions they made for those individuals looking to be called a Nerd:

Style - dress like you don't care. Girls like you because of your natural sex-appeal (although your ninja fashion sense is highly erotic)
Social - read Slashdot a lot. The chicks dig it
Money - spend it all on hardware and D&D-rulebooks (chicks dig the expenditure of money.)

Nerds vs. Geeks

The Term Geek, as opposed to nerd, in the modern world, may apply to any normal human of which are mid way between being a nerd and a "cool person". This delicate balance is withheld by the modern geeks determination to fit in to many worlds, and to be the bridge between the social gap. Many geeks in the modern world have aspects of both lives, while they may enjoy wallowing in the odd computer related activity, they also have a social side, and one that does not only include the company of other nerds.

Many geeks these days are often considered attractive/cute/funny/sexy etc etc by the opposite sex, of which we are talking about "normal" females, and not NERD females. The reason for this is because of their compassionate loving sense, along with the manly sense of being. It is also because they are fed up of the typical stereotyped males of today, Chavs, Pikeys etc. Geeks of today are well rounded, normal people.

!!!OLD INFORMATION FROM THE DAYS OF THE 90's!!! : (There is a whole section on the battle Nerds vs. Geeks. There has been a long waged war of nerds versus the geeks. The 1000 year war has, so far, had over one trillion dollars in damages and 6 known deaths. The death of Steve Irwin is currently being investigated after the years old debate on whether his show "The Crocodile Hunter" was of the nerd, geek, loser, or the dork category. Most of the nerdologists and geekologists have been questioning the family of the stingray that stabbed him.

To make sure one last fucking time that you know what the difference between a geek and a nerd is, nerds are simply lone, highly intelligent beings. Nerds spend their time creating new technology, such as the computer. Nerds do not seem to be interested in video games or a certain comic or even anything other than science. Geeks, however, are socializing creatures(only successfully sociable with other geeks though), and they are devoted to a certain club or only play video games and spend their time on Uncyclopedia. Geeks are actually a genetic family. There are different species of geeks, such as the listed: band geek, anime geek, Trekkie, Trakkie, Star Wars geek, and the classical geek.

Each faction has their own strengths. The nerds have high ranking IQ's and are able to engineer mind games stronger than the average 16 sided Rubix cubes. The geeks have the advantage of their own well structured hierarchy, with Grand Wizard Level 140 as their supreme ruler before their supreme god J.R.R. Tolkien. Rowling has not shown divine interest with the geeks since their creation in the year 451 B.C. Though, they have their weaknesses. Nerds do not have the ability to socialize at all, even with other nerds. This has given geeks the impression that all nerds are just as frail as them, making them easy targets for an ambush with their paladins as a group. Though, it has been seen several times through history, in rare, outrageous situations the nerds will actually band together to create something similar to Optimus Prime. Last time this happened was in the post World War IV era whenever the empire of Taiwan was destroyed, which was one of the worlds largest suppliers of robots.

Note- Deranged scientists that actually study geeks and nerds have recently stated that they are seeing a new cross-breed of both factions, whose name is yet to be decided. Preliminary research shows that they can converse among their own kind, but yet also are extremely intelligent. Very few reports of this unnatural phenomenon are recorded, and strangely, nobody has been able to locate any of the scientists behind these reports. Whether they will eventually rule the world or be crushed by the two original factions has yet to be determined.

There is now a sub-species of nerd and geek, the fabled neek. Be warned, they are annoying..

Nerds are now in alliance with the emos so they can destroy earth with a big laser pointed at the sun and then drown the rest with emo music and tears.