Finland
Antonia Suomi Finland Perkele Prop. ministeriö, P.M. | |||||
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| Motto: '"Leirille!" (Latin:"cave | |||||
| Anthem: Nokia Tune | |||||
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| Capital | Hell's sink (even years) and Schmerzburg (odd years) and Berlin for all the other ones. | ||||
| Largest city | Hell's sink | ||||
| Official language(s) | Finnish, Klingon, 1337 | ||||
| Government | |||||
| ‑ Prime Minister | Sanna Marin | ||||
| Declaration of Independence |
previous ice age | ||||
| Currency | squirrels | ||||
| Area | The size of an asteroid the size of Texas | ||||
| Nickname | The heavy-metal cafè of Scandinavia | ||||
| National sport(s) | Extended Suicide, Penguin Eating | ||||
“Errrrr, Finland is to Scandinavia, what Turkey is to EU.”
Finland, also known as Sweden II, is a land of many names, like Dave and Mary, but only one weird and traumatizing coat of arms. The current Prime Minister of Finland is the hot dancing queen Sanna Marin. Footage of her partying with her friends and colleagues went viral. World verdict: Bring more of this on!
Finland also happens to be a rather large country in the North of the even larger country of Europe. Some pro-Finland activists claim that Finland is indeed the entirety of Europe, that the common conception of Europe is a lie concocted by the Soviet Union. However, they also claim that they come from the future, a future where Finland is also the entirety of Europe. Some diehard Germans think Finland is just a territory that the Bavarians try to spread the drunkenness to the land of the North, and these people will probably whine about the victory Sauna placed in Munich. Unfortunately, this is the past of their present and our present of their past, so if that makes any sense to them then perhaps they really ARE from the future.
Finns are famous for being smug and racist. On an unrelated note, Finland is also known as ' the land of the thousand ex-beauty queens and ex-athletes in the government '. All European countries have adopted their culture from Finland, for example its language, which everyone speaks.
Pre-historic Finnish food is widely acclaimed and its chefs renowned for their ability to take all kinds of apparently edible substances and make them look like excrement and noodles. For example, the Easter food Mämmi resembles cow's diarrhea, Salmiakki looks like goat pellets and "mustamakkara" looks like a big black male sex organ with herpes. Not to mention maksalaatikko. Nowadays, however, the true traditional foods of Finland are ramen noodles, hot pockets, kebabs and pizza.
Nowadays the most common Finns are a man with red clothes living in Lapland, a woman with red hair living in Helsinki and a really boring F1 driver who has just started doing rallying.
Because Finland is colder than a polar bears fun hole, the Finns decided to invent the sauna, their sole contribution to human life to date (except of course, Nordic Walking and the totally useless but nonetheless adored Nokia). Some like to say that the Sauna really comes from the Russians, but don't be silly: everyone knows the only thing the Russians ever came up with is the AK-47 and those really trendy fur hats. Since Finland is uninhabitable during the winter and inhospitable during the summer, the Finns had to come up with a property of character, sisu, meaning an advanced form of self-deceit.
History[edit]
Finland's history is ultimately the same as Sweden's because Finland owns both countries. Finland, founded by Christopher Columbus in 666 A.D., has a deep history of famous embarkments involving the hunting of bears and other animals that are not familiar to anyone else outside of Finland or Sweden. Pottery, like the hunting of imaginary animals, teaches us a lot about what has happened since its founding. Ancient pottery depicts Finns with overpoweringly blonde hair and a hunter-gathering lifestyle sill practiced today.
The first queen of Finland, Karlee Marx, imposed a law in which all members of society must speak a ridiculous sounding language that nearly no one else can understand. In addition to the language barrier Marx established, she also implemented that the country must be constantly confused with their Swedish neighbors.
Finland is most proud of their beaver pelt collections and fertility rate (42.7%).
Finno-Korean Hyperwar[edit]
The Finno-Korean Hyperwar was an ancient war fought between the two most powerful empires of the world, the Ancient Finnish Empire and the Hwan Empire. It is well known for bringing the end of the Hyper Era and bringing the world into a "dark age". The war was fought from between 8245–6172 BC. It is commonly debated how great of a role the secondary powers played in the war, as it is suggested that the Wewuz, Kang and Shied technocracies allied with the Hwan to stop the Finnish. The war is usually said to have begun with the Hwan invasion of Finnish India. The Emu confederacy is also considered a belligerent in the war, though they were not allied with the Finnish and merely invaded Japan.
Most of what we know about the Emu faction comes from the writings of Arthur Semenitis, he writes of how the Emu confederacy colonized Mars, unfortunately their colony was destroyed by a sonic flare gun from the nether regions of the Black Palestinian Galactic Empire. Semenitis (native to Emu Mars) is said to have contracted mental illness later on his life from excess exposure to sonic rays.
Pre-Conanian era[edit]
The first evidence of settlement in Finland was found in 90210 B.C., when an archaeologist found a pile of Swedish gay bones in a cave near today's city of Porvoo. These shattered bones were first thought to be remnants of an ancient telemarketer, but it was later genetically proven that they were from a new subspecies of Homo giantus erectionus, namely from Homo finno-ugritus. Its geographical location is very fitting as it is the shape of a scrotum and it pairs nicely with its partner Sweden (Europe's penis).
Mongolian invasion[edit]
Most Finns don't even seem to know that their ancestors killed all the Mongolians at their border in 1943. However, there are several Mongolian records of this incident. Because Asians think in exponents, all we know is that it occurred in the year B.C. During this time the Earth was also in an Ice Age, which meant that places as far north as Finland used their refrigerators as heat sources.
The invasion is best described in a rough translation of the Mongolian historian Filurghaahgt's widely published book, A Million Little Corpses.
| “ | Stupid Chinese take all duck. We mad now. We want kill duck-eaters get back delicious yum-yum duck. Bad leader march wrong way. He take us to place where cum fall from sky and stay on ground. It get colder than my wife's <untranslatable>. It cold make pee-pee shrink. Leader say Holy shit it cold here! and then he die. We find horny small-cock people mass-produce sex juice. We angry they get laid. We pillage town, rape women, |
” |
Later history[edit]
In the beginning, there was only one country, GERMANY. However, the Germans were not very nice, and did bad things like the holocaust, bomb Pearl Harbor, 9/11, eat stuff, and always left one piece of bread in the package. The fiends! Therefore, a group of super-powered rebels, under F.I.N.L.A.N.D (Fucking Insane Nigga Liberating Nazi Dictators), broke free from the horrible tyranny of the Germans. They also brought their Bavarian beer to Finland and making them drunks like the people of Munisinki. Eventually, they were able to free their followers, the Native Americans (not the actual Native Americans from India, but the misnamed ones from the America), and sent them far away to the land of America. Here, they would be safe, at least until the damn Brits came [aw ruck], and porked them over big time. This gave them the ability to barbecue.
Meanwhile, the F.I.N.L.A.N.D. continued their battles in GERMANY (they fought in France and always won, no one liked the French, even the French), eventually liberating people, and when their work was done, and the Germans were thoroughly disgraced, they founded FINLAND. Since Finland was founded by people with superpowers, it is a glorious nation, where everyone can melt people's pants, with their minds! They later developed the ability to eat cows whole in one bite, and drain casks of shnaps in one gulp. As you do.
Continuation War[edit]
This was the war following the Winter War where the Finns actually whooped some major Russian ass all by themselves. After scaring Russia into signing a peace treaty – in the style of Tina Turner – they decided to ask Germany, yeah probably to get some alcohol from Bavaria left over from Oktoberfest, for some help in getting back some land that they had previously lost. The Germans were all too eager and decided to help, not knowing what those crazy Finns had in store for them. After retaking the land they lost it again. They decided that war was fun and started taking some of the motherland for themselves. This pissed Stalin off pretty bad so he went crying to the Brits telling them how the Finns were taking his land and he wanted it back. The Brits sighed and then declared war on Finland but were to scared to actually do anything. Stalin was really getting pissed now and launched a huge attack and actually caused the Finns to stop advancing for a while. Now the Finns were getting tired and hungry so they signed a new peace treaty with Russia in which they agreed that Russia would stop attacking them if they gave up their land and sent the Germans packing home. Apparently the Finnish thought fighting Germans would be easier than fighting Russians (they were right) and killed about twice as many Germans than Germans killed them and even got more POW s than Germany got which was just another thing for them to rub in everyone's face. In the end Finland was the only European country bordering Russia that wasn't actually forced to join the Eastern Bloc and that just adds to the awesome might of the Grand Duchy of Finland, however once you learn they were the ancestors of Vikings you can see why they fought everyone and won simultaneously. And when you consider the Russians forced them to demobilize their army and spend the next 45 years as their bitch, it's even more gloriously amazing!
Post-Continuation War[edit]
Currently, Finland is being led by a handsome taxi driver from Turku called Mika Hakkinen. He was officially chosen to rule Finland, after he won a beer drinking contest, which was sponsored by Karjala. His greatest legacy in Finland so far was the military campaign to conquer Sweden, by using a party boat from Helsinki to Stockholm. Of course this did not go well, since Sweden has been known to have a very gay stronghold in Stockholm for centuries and the Swedes got a favorable support from Elton John.
Military[edit]
Common military tactics[edit]
This was shown when the Turks besieged Helsinki in 1453. At that time, Helsinki's population was an incredible 500 people. The Turks had an army consisting of 14.3 billion soldiers. No problem. The Finns saw the Turks freezing their balls off outside the city walls, and decided that this was the perfect time to exploit them. They distributed blankets infected with Bird Flu. Within a matter of days, the entire Turkish army was destroyed. This military tactic is known as "Kil the enemi vhit Biolotsikal Vaarfeer". When the Finns' enemies finally figured out that the blankets were made in Vietnam, they stopped accepting them. The Finns had to find another tactic. Unfortunately, they're not exactly military geniuses, so it took them until the 1920s to figure something out: "Finland-style Gorilla Warfare". This tactic is employed by placing Finnish soldiers on cross-country skis [clever assholes]. You go hide in the woods (you can even make a machine gun pillbox cleverly disguised as a Sauna), and mow down the Russian Army with Machine Gun fire and Frozen Reindeer steaks. When completed, you take the Panzers that Nazi Germany gave you for Christmas, and you run down the helpless, routing Russians. However, section 755a.69 of the "Finnish Soldier's guide to Warfare" clearly states that once you are finished fighting Russians, you must promptly empty numerous bottles of spirits. If this instruction had not been included in the 5000-page guide, we'd all be subjects of the Finnish Emperor today.
In summer, the Finnish Air Force is supported by hordes of hungry mosquitoes that suck all blood out of the enemy. At winter they use their two stukas, one stolen tri-plane and the only flying penguin in the world, R0kk4. The Finnish Air Force is known to employ any airplanes declared obsolete or too dangerous to fly and force conscripts to fly them.
Armor and technology[edit]
The Finnish army is based on masturbation. It means that if you are a boy, when you hit twenty you are forced to rub it or either be humiliated and ostracized for life, or go to prison. As a result, Finland has become one of the world's largest per capita consumers of hentai. A survey revealed that hentai alone occupied an average of 72.3% of disk space on military-owned computers. A classified number of Finnish armored vehicles equipped with thermal weapon sights can switch between normal colored video, thermal imaging, and an erotic video. How this modifications were made is a closely kept secret, and no two vehicles have the same video. No salary or other compensation, except standard prison allowance, is paid during the service, and many career criminals consider the joint to be a far more comfortable place to spend your youth than the Finnish Army. The most talented and toughest of the youth may get promoted to various NCO ranks and have a chance to harass and bully the younger conscripts at will.
The Finnish armed forces are equipped with state of the art weaponry and technology. The blueprints and diagrams are provided by the Discovery Channel. Every Monday, the highest authority sits down and watches Future Weapons. Then, on Tuesday, the little hamsters at the lab get the plans, and by Wednesday, the new tech is pumped out. For more info see Your Mom. Since most conscripts are somewhat more technologically adept than the lifers, they usually take their electronic gadgets with them to the army, where they can be easily kludged into IEDs and remote controlled mines, well suited for the Finnish Army's never fight fair tactics.
The Finnish Air Force's procurement of F-18s and F-35s is intended to spite the Swedes and their beloved Gripen.
Politics[edit]
There are only two things one needs to know about Finnish politics:
- During the parliamentary election of 2007, there was a heated competition among the leaders of the largest parties over who had gotten the largest number of pats on the head from members of the the regime of George W. Bush. More pats was seen as better.
- There is no corruption in Finland, because Finland is an uncorrupted country, and therefore there can't be corruption in Finland. However, a completely honest political system would be rather dull and boring, so Finland has developed an array of national habits, which are not corruption, because that's just how they roll — or used to roll, until they got caught. Now they've changed completely.
National habits include a member of parliament being on the board of a non-profit foundation that donates funds to his own campaign, and politicians granting benefits for enterprises that funded their campaign.
Economy[edit]
The Finnish economy is run using a brilliant technique known as guerrilla marketing. This involves making a highly popular and oft used technology, but convincing the whole world you had nothing to do with making it and that it's really from some Asian country people have actually heard of. The best known example of this would be Japan's mobile phone manufacturer Nokia, run from a sweat-shop in Kilon poliisi, Espoo. A sweat shop is not considered bad in any way in Finland, as sweating in saunas is extremely popular.
The second most important trade good is alcohol. Although there are numerous distilleries in Finland producing actual alcohol, the Finns have found that they can sell more by first exporting it, and then having the end users import it back themselves, from Estonia on a daily basis. The Finnish liquor fleet consists of dozens of huge white ships sailing non-stop between Estonia and Finland, full of eager citizens willing to help their country refill its stocks of booze, although most of it is consumed during the trip.
Historically, most of the export revenues have come from selling captured and tamed Father Christmases. Arctic Lapland region is exceptionally well suited for herding these dangerous beasts. It is very dangerous work, as a fully grown wild Father Christmas can easily rip an adult Grizzly Bear to pieces. However, companies such as Rare Exports Inc. are constantly complaining about rising wage costs and are moving operations abroad to countries such as Brazil and China. In addition, there have been numerous incidents of Father Christmases escaping back into populated areas, which can cause great alarm if not immediately contained. The Union of Father Christmas Hunters claims that this is only social dumping, and companies abroad are not paying proper attention to the safety of hunters. It is also claimed that although Father Christmases reach adulthood in warmer climates in a fraction of the time compared to Finland, the quality of the end product cannot be compared to original Father Christmases grown in the extreme coldness of the Finnish winter.
Recently Finland has also begun to export excess vowels to Poland, which is currently suffering a severe shortage due to their under supply of vowels and resulting oversupply of consonants.
Great expectations are focused towards Finnish company Biolan, which has for years tried to develop a neural net based organic network solution for data transfer rates superior to even optic fiber, although so far a breakthrough is not in sight. Biolan's plan is to grow the biological network inside underground tubes, so that it is no longer necessary to put cables into the tubes.
A majority of the Finnish population income is derived from Nokia stock purchased in the 1950s.
The currency of Finland is Säkkiwulesi and flying squirrel skins. In fact, the Finnish word "raha" for "money" means "squirrel skin", although this is unsuitable for an encyclopedia, since it's an actual fact.
Despite the great success of the export products, in Finland you won't get rich though you may die trying. The taxes are so high that Zeus himself had to flip a coin to make a choice between them and Mount Olympus when settling down.
Finnish people[edit]
There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING that the Finns can't do. Except be Brian Blessed.
Not much is known about this mysterious nation of extraterrestrials, but it is the educated opinion that they are mostly 1.9m in height, with blond hair, a heavy appetite for alcohol and sausage. They also have a very poor ability to hold it. Thus 90% of Finland's population have made a career as Counterstrike playahs, CS (known also as kheeäs or kyntteri) being the most played on line computer game in the whole world. Finland's population seemingly consists mostly of twelve-year-old teenager CS players who swear a lot and make strange noises when they lose a match. Thus, it is confirmed, that about 80% of the population appears to be twelve-year-olds, which makes the calculated mean age of an average Finnish person 17,6 years. The rest of them are fat and likes saunas.
The favorite national pastime of Finland is committing suicide, in which the Finns are unimaginative but efficient, usually sticking to boring stone age methods like rope around the neck, bullet to the brain, or being surprised by the coming of winter as a car driver. I mean come on, the fucker has come spewing snow and ice on roads around the same time every single year for ever since the ice melted, for sure the bastard is now tired of it and will skip us this year! Fuck no I will put on those winter tires! Crash.
In recent years there has been a fast and significant development towards killing your family, friends, enemies, schoolmates, ex-spouse, the current spouse of your ex-spouse, the ex-spouse of your ex-spouse, the cat and house plants of your ex-spouse or any number of random bystanders before you actually kill yourself. In the wider world this phenomenon is known as mass murder, but since Finland is a quiet and safe country, mass murders don't happen. Instead, extended suicide is all the rave.
Because of the dark and depressing Finnish winter, Finns (those that didn't get killed in extended suicides that is) completely lose their minds when summer finally arrives and temperature rises above 2 degrees Celsius in mid-July. It's the time when Polar Bears migrate back to the Polar Circle for a week or two and people can finally leave the safety of their igloos which don't have enough time to melt before next winter (Finnish igloos are made of solid nitrogen). Summer is then celebrated by heavy drinking and ceremonial drowning in the nearest lake.
When summer is over after a week or two the Finns migrate south to Estonia for a whole day and return with their little trolleys filled with Viru Valge or, even better, with Viru Valge Vägev. The lucky ones come back with just an itch on their scrotum. Then they lock themselves indoors and drink vodka all day. If they run out of vodka they might migrate south for another day. Winter time is tolerated by being heavily intoxicated.
Polar bears are a common sight. They live among the people and the penguins and at times mutilate random pedestrians just for the heck of it, as well as being responsible for public sanitation and child welfare. In fact, polar bears are the real supreme leaders of the country. They just let those pitiful humans go on about their business because they couldn't give a damn.
Also, every single Finn is a drunkard. They begin drinking in the morning and stop only when they pass out. Some do keep on going after passing out with the aid of a close friend or the hospital staff, whoever comes to the aid first.
Speaking about drinking — the most famous and commonly used toast in Finnish is "Kippis"; which has to be followed by the sentence "Vodka is good, but it's tooooooo expensive!!!". It's probably this endearingly thrifty drunkenness which has led to the widespread adoption of petrol as a national drink. With the advent of unleaded petrol, educational standards have recently improved. 90% also run on excessive amounts of caffeine.
The Finnish knife, puukko, is a simple but an extremely nasty edged weapon forged from fine carbon steel. It has been designed to slide ergonomically between the bones of the human ribcage. There has been a disturbing development which has seen lesser quality Swedish-made Mora knives becoming popular among heavy users because of their economical price. Victims invariably frown at being stabbed with a Mora knife, which can be clearly observed from their facial expressions as they lie dying in a growing pool of blood.
All Finns carry a knife. Every single one of them. Even that little 5-year-old girl behind you. No kidding! Getting one's first knife is an important coming-of-age ritual for both girls and boys. Finnish children get their first puukko at the age they learn to walk. Also here those spoil-sport Swedes have made inroads with their Libero Up&Go knives, which are available in various sizes fitting children from 10 to 26kg. Puukko is the only civilian item (besides eyeglasses) which can be worn by conscripts while in uniform. Puukko is also the object in the traditional teenagers' sports, puukkohippa.
Realizing that carrying knives has no place in modern society, the Finnish authorities have resolved to eradicate the archaic custom by educating school-goers. That these efforts are bearing fruit is corroborated by two separate incidents, in 2007 and 2008, in which a student shot at fellow students and school staff with a handgun, with scores of killed and wounded. Finns are now replacing puukkos with pistols and revolvers. The die-hard puukko enthusiasts claim that a firearm is good only for perforating things while a puukko can be used also as a very versatile tool.
Most Finns die in alcohol-related accidents. The most common being drowning because they fall off a boat while drunkenly trying to pee over the side. Because of this, public safety campaigns often instruct boaters, regardless of their state of intoxication, to keep their flies opened so as not to upset statistics. The number two cause of death is being stabbed by drunken former ski jumpers after beating them in the traditional game of finger wrestling.
- Finnish people are intoxicated when they're not drunk.
- Finnish people are born with alcohol in their blood.
All Finns are impervious to cold. At -10 degrees Celsius, heating is switched on in British homes, while Finns change into a long-sleeved shirt. At Americans fly to Florida, while Finns celebrate midsummer. At -300 hell freezes over and every last Finn joins Alcoholics Anonymous. At -273 absolute zero temperature is reached, the polar bears start to evacuate, all atom movement ceases. The Finns shrug and say: "A bit chilly today, eh?"
Animals[edit]
Even though the average foreigner believes that Polar Bears inhabit and terrorize Finland they are wrong. This is only happening in Porvoo, which still lives in Ice Age. Actually, this is a plague of Norway, where 3,000 people are killed yearly by monster attacks. The only safe animal in Finland is The Killer Rabbit.
In the time when fish ate lions, Finland had only one animal. It was a cat. There is scientific evidence that over thousands of years, this cat gave birth to Hitler. This is why Hitler had such a terrifying mustache which felt like whiskers.
Culture[edit]
Language[edit]
Observations of Finns in their natural habitat reveal their language to be no more than a series of nods and grunts. Text messaging is the main method of communication, with the dullest messages publicized on the local National Enquirer 'Hymy-IL' or compiled in a book. Then they are voted on (via mobile phone), which serves as the judicial system in the country.
However, there is an other language and population in Finland called Finland Swedish. Its speakers are abused, stabbed, used for rapes & gross sex and of course, gay- & "hurrit" declared.
Finland exports vowels to Poland, but the trade dissolved in around the thirteenth century after a dispute between two village woman over a group of chickens. The United Kingdom has yet to offer coherency to either nation, and pronunciation is still desperately sought after.
Looking at the Finnish language, one can clearly note that the Finns almost entirely have double vision.
Music[edit]
The Finnish National instrument is the Kantele (pronounced Khan-teh-leh). This instrument was created during the first war against the Germans to bore invading soldiers to sleep. Many poor Finns play to Kantele on the street to raise money for their families. The many street goers of Finland collapse as they hear the deathly boring sound of the Kantele, giving the musician the chance to loot their unconscious body.
Flag of Finland[edit]
The first flag of Finland featured a pig stabbing itself with a knife on a red background, adorned with yellow stars. 69 years later, the Chinese adopted the flag. Not wanting anyone to notice that they had took Finland's flag, they removed the pig from it. After the Finns inevitably noticed, they adopted a new flag (one which Portugal would later steal from them), which featured a blue cross on a white background. Later, the flag was drastically changed around to featured racing cars because the Finnish rally drivers had succeeded and Sweden's one died. It was then reverted to the blue cross on a white background, which is still in use today.
Finnish sense of humour[edit]
Finns are well known for their complete misunderstanding of irony. As they are aware of their intellectual deficit, they may overcompensate by taking any statement as some form of sarcasm. This has had some unintended consequences, such as when the Swedes said: "Hey Finns, we are going to rule you for a couple of centuries" to which the Finns replied: "Don't forget to build a couple of castles while you're at it."
On the other hand, the Finns have a very developed sense of Schadenfreude. They are very keen to laugh at someone's misfortune, and never stop enjoying bad things happening to innocent bystanders.
Finns are easy to read when it comes to situations where you need to know whether or not they got a joke: they usually have a serious, even depressed look, but if they think you might have said something funny they laugh loudly which lasts about 10 minutes and after that they hug and kiss you for making them happy (but don't start to feel any better about yourself, since they're contemplating suicide again in another 10 minutes). When they themselves tell a "joke" they laugh so hard you cannot hear what they are actually trying to say. These awkward situations are so unnatural (yet very common) that it scares both you and the Finns themselves.
Finns laugh rarely. If you want to make friends with a Finn, make him laugh. But make no mistake, it's going to be hard, very hard. Try hitting an innocent bystander with axe on the knee. As demonstrated earlier, Finns find it amusing. That's a good start.
The Finnish sense of humour is deeply appreciated by Björk. As a result, subtitled Finnish stand-up comedy has become a hot trend in Tokyo.
A qualitative representation of the Finnish sense of humour are Uncyclopedia articles written by Finns. A case in point is that you haven't even faintly smiled while reading this article.
Religion[edit]
Mostly Alcohol (50% ) Attempts to impose Christianity on Finns failed miserably. Finns worship ancient pagan Gods like Väinämöinen, Gandalf, dust bunnies and Harry Potter. Swedes consider Finns as "strange witch-people of the North" and live in terrible fear of them. The Finns later figured out Christianity wasn't such a bad idea after all as Jesus could turn water into wine just like that, and they then syncretized their pagan deities with the Christian religion, combining the Pagan violence and sexual morals with the Christian concept of only one single cosmic bully and do the other guy first before he does you.
The Finnish Bible is called the "Kalevala". It is an intriguing historical story of the ancient semi-gods from Andromeda Galaxy who settled in Finland and formed back then the political systems existing nowadays in Finland. Their leader "Väinämöinen" is widely worshipped today in entire country by drinking Kossu, the holy spirit of Finland (but he still can't get laid!).
Finland has a state church and 99% of the population are extremely religious. This is probably because after a normal drinking night they experience the "Finnish Hang-Over" which is about 150 times worse than a normal hang-over. When experiencing a hang-over this extreme people tend to look for salvation and that is what religion provides them. This also means that their religious devotion is always under constant change but luckily the need for salvation when experiencing hang-over is so profound that the people tend to donate large sums of the local currency "säkkiwulesi" to the church. Religious donations form about 35% of all monetary traffic in Finland. Veli Saari-Kalle, also known as the first man to play Game Gear in Finland, is the foremost religious leader in Finland and everyone believes that he has descended straight from God.
This is shit stepped up to challenge the old ways. His name is Markku Uusipaavalniemi. It is rumoured that there several sites of worship have been risen for Markku Uusipaavalniemi. He is also known as "Uusis" by his followers. It is expected that Veli Saari-Kalle will face strong opposition this spring from the followers of Uusis. Great wars are bound to brake out. We also shouldn't forget The Great Leader Kim Jong Il which has allied with Conan O'Brien and has made some nasty pictures of "Uusis" taking a bath...
Some Pasta movements is reported lately. But the most fearsome religion has been found from all across Finland with terrible growth to hole Europe (Germany is already fallen to this religion and as the center of Europe the other countries WILL FALL) which is called as the Loordism. It is actually been for eons already but it has gotten more powerful after their Messiah used mind weapon called Eurovizio`nz to become the president of Finland and take over the world.You may survive if you learn to use lesser mind weapons called Musiikki instrumentit. In best possible scenario you might become an archdemon.
Olympic sports[edit]
Total domination[edit]
During the Winter Olympics, the Finnish people crawl out of their igloos and resume their plans of world domination through their total sweep of the winter Olympics.
All Finnish boys, like the brutal Spartans, are sent to train in winter sports at the age of seven for a grueling thirty years of training, ranging from:
- Fapping at pictures of Toni Halme
- Pissing while standing up out of a row-boat while drunk (Finnish multitasking)
- Learning the names of all the muscles in the human body in order to make excuses after being beaten at any given sport. For example: "I pulled my fibuvulvacanemicus" after losing to Afghanistan in Women's Field Hockey, or "My Saturanusanus was sore after last week's fapping at pictures of Toni Halme and so I lost to the Uganda Shorties pygmy basketball team.
See also[edit]
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