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Emopedia
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Welcome to Emopedia,
37,289 heart-rending poems in English
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Today's Message of pain
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Loneliness is the dark despair of solitude.
It is the feeling that no one loves me.
Not even my mom or my cat really understand the pain of Teenaged Angst.
No one understands me.
No one loves me.
My family claims that they do, but we all know they're lying.
God, I hate them so much; the fakes.
The only people who love me, The only ones who understand or care
All live in my iPod...
Valentines Day. People are supposed to be happy, right?
I'm not.
Not since she left me.
I guess she found someone more screwed up than I am,
or perhaps he's just more Scene than I, or maybe it's his hair.
It was the best three days of my life, though, with her.
She was so much better than the girl last week.
I let her draw Xs and Cut Lines on my wrists in sharpie.
They're still there, mocking me, reflecting the darkness in my soul.
They are tempting me.
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Did you care...
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- ... the number of users the admins have banned is considered the largest countable number since 1998?
- ... that if we used a language without homonyms, a certain type of pun would be impossible, and thereby much gaiety would be lost?
- ... the great idea you had last week was already thought up by Elon Musk and will soon be realized on Mars?
- ... that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?
- ... because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?
- ... rattlesnakes no longer rattle a warning before striking but send a potential threat a tweet and attack when the threat is checking their phone?
- ... turtles can run at top speeds of 87 miles per hour, but only in short bursts?
- ... that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?
- ... goldfish have been found not to be particularly aggressive, yet they can often be found guarding a castle?
- ... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
- ... that The Manchurian Candidate is about a blustering hotelier that is brainwashed by a foreign government to do its bidding when he becomes president? Oh, wait...
- ... that it is important to tune your Air Guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it?
- ... if a tree falls in the forest and no one's there to hear it, Bishop Berkeley will get into a fistfight with William of Ockham?
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Recent deaths
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Today sucks because...
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December 13: Speak with a British Accent Day (UK)
- 10000 BCE - Ug Nug Fug Nug is born, the famous musician responsible for the creation of the violin and other various sexually orientated musical instruments (i.e., the sexualin).
- 211 - Roman Emperor Septimius Severus dies at York from eating spotted dick, unaware that it needed to be taken out of the can first.
- 1067 - William the Conqueror invades the previously uninvaded British Aisles.
- 1580 - A frustrated Francis Drake returns to England after traveling the world to find a compatible power point for his Waffle iron.
- 1776 - Britain and its American colonies schedule a war over the word 'aluminium' even though neither has ever seen it.
- 1808 - Count Henrich von Flammenweffer invents lava as a way of preventing skiers from taking over his favourite mountains in the winter.
- 1852 - Elisha Otis invents the elevator in America and orders pour in from the UK. As people with posh accents there cannot pronounce 'elevator', they call it a 'wift' instead.
- 1942 - No people are born on December the 13th, due to National No-Birthdays Day. Experts attribute this phenomenon as having to do with a worldwide feeling of 'I don't feel like getting any ass today' in mid March.
- 1992 - Bob like pie.
- 2002 - Fraidai the 13th, Satan renames Hell to "Bloody Hell".
- 2003 - SARS becomes the new iPod.
- 2005 - On the twelfth day of Christmas, My true love gave to me, A summons from the local JP...
- 2008 - Uncyclopedia is teleported into an alternate universe where this sentence did not exist. It will be returned to normal just now.
- 2012 - Dyslexic people celebrate that the world didn't end with the Mayan calendar yesterday. Everyone else is still nervous.
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Today's featured artistry
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Poets of the Month
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Modusoperandi hunts down random, unfunny shit which he replaces with less-random, quasi-funny shit. Occasionally he gets up off his ass (or more correctly, sits down on it) and makes a page of his own, to which no one ever goes.
Recently he's been making pictures that people don't like and, having discovered UnNews, has been making fake news stories (rather than the fake regular stories that he normally makes).
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The Bard (baptised 26 April 1564 – died 23 April 1616) was an English poet and playwright widely regarded as the greatest writer of the English language, and the world's preeminent dramatist. He wrote approximately 38 plays and 154 sonnets, as well as a variety of other poems. Already a popular writer in his own lifetime, the Bard became increasingly celebrated after his death and his work adulated by numerous prominent cultural figures through the centuries.
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Congratulations to Hardwick Fundlebuggy, our Poet of the Year, and Mhaille, our Self-harmer of the Year!
Vote for Poet of the Month | Vote for Loner of the Month | Vote for Self-harmer of the Month | Past Losers
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| Uncyclopedia is an independent humor writing project, a non-profitable cabal that also hosts a range of other projects.
This Uncyclopedia, started in 2005, currently contains 37,289 articles. Uncyclopedias are being written in many languages:
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