Marijuana

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According to our top medical experts, this man has about seven seconds to live.

The hard street drug marijuana (or cannabis) is a rising and popular gateway drug, known for its ease to obtain, its catastrophic effects, and its uninformed proponents. The most common form of consumption, the joint involves taking the marijuana plant, rolling it in paper soaked in PCP, and inhaling deeply. Marijuana possesses many negative properties and almost no noticeably positive ones. It was originally grown in laboratories by Islamic terrorists to provide the financial support needed for the attacks of September 11, among others.

Basic information

Marijuana is found in nature as a plant with multiple thin leaves, and can either be found in uncivilized lands or in the private gardens of some individuals. The plant itself is highly toxic, and if ingested directly, can cause a victim to fall into a comatose state, or worse, become a Philosophical Zombie. Even passing within a certain distance of the plant has been known to cause mild hallucinations. When harvested, the leaves are generally removed from the stems (although some exceptions are known) and ground up to enable easier transportation. When it reaches the recipient user, they roll it in specially treated paper to form a spindle shape. They then light the end with whatever means available, although most users prefer a flame discolored with other chemicals to enhance the effect. Marijuana is also known by the street terms "weed," "pot," "crack," "stump," "plant," "heroin," "rat poison," and "that skunky-ass shit that my man Foamie sells."

Health dangers

Propaganda poster falsely implying that marijuana is less dangerous than crack.

The main threat with marijuana is the obvious health risks. Marijuana affects multiple parts of the body negatively, including (but not limited to) the lungs, brain, eyes, and genitals. The drug contains twice the carcinogens of government-sanctioned tobacco products and actively attacks the immune system of the lungs, leading to a near-cubing of the likelihood for lung cancer in the user. It also induces severe hallucinations and slows down brain waves, leading to severe mental retardation in mild cases, and, in extreme cases, prolonged listening to Phish records. It severely hampers the users ability to drive, read, or recognize an incoming train. Lastly, it is confirmed in all reported cases to result in complete infertility and a decreased sex drive, which may be the only positive side effect of the drug. Worse, many of these effects can be passed onto nearby users through secondhand smoke.

Other risks of smoking marijuana

Likely to cause a sudden, comical fascination with one's own hands.
May lead to an increase in cubism in individuals susceptable to such dimensional shifts.
May cause pregnancy in women who have recently been sexually active.
May cause sudden shortage of nachos and cheese fries.^[1]
Commonly manifests a profound understanding of the elaborate workings underlying life and the cosmos, but an inability to express any of it in words.
Research links the drug to increased frequency of midnight fried chicken, Taco Bell, and Carl's Jr./Hardee's/White Castle runs, a known cause of going broke and getting fat.
Marijuana is sometimes used as an alternative to Rohypnol as a date rape drug.
Marijuana users that share needles are potentially exposing themselves to HIV and hepatitis.

The Gateway Drug

He never tried marijuana, but he wouldn't know the difference. Note the beautiful paint job on this picture.

One of the major risks of marijuana is that it can function as a "gateway drug". Frequent and even casual users may become fascinated with gates, and as their dependency deepens, they may move on to more elaborate kinds of entries, including arches, turnstiles, and even portcullises. For this reason, it is prudent to remove the gate from your garden. Otherwise, you may find yourself suddenly beset upon by a reeking mob of spaced-out hippies, who will proceed to trample your flowers and engage in long, philosophical conversations with your garden gnomes.

An unrelated side effect of marijuana is that after being introduced to marijuana, the user may graduate on to 'harder' drugs and high-risk behaviors. Casually smoking a joint almost inevitably leads to addiction. But soon the marijuana user needs something more to get high, leading them to engage in cocaine snorting, heroin injection, or street mime. From there, it is only a matter of time before the addict seizes upon kitten huffing as a means of satisfying their cravings. Unfortunately, once someone has spiraled downward into the depths of feline dependency, there is almost no way back.

Marijuana and terrorism

Not all the gains benefit the terrorists' purposes. US investigators reported that 75% of Taliban workers in cannabis fields are getting high, like these guys shown here

Terrorists not only invented marijuana in underground laboratories scattered about the caves of Afghanistan; they use its North American sales as their primary means of funding. While estimates vary, it is generally agreed upon that 80% of marijuana's "street price" goes directly to al-Qaida and other terrorist groups. This is why marijuana's primary effect is to make the user go crazy and descend into a world of hallucinations; in effect, the victim's patriotism deteriorates, and by the end of the marijuana high, the victim him- or herself feels readily inclined to join a terrorist group.

Proponents of marijuana

The most common proponents of marijuana use are those who are actively using the drug and have much to gain from its legalization. Among these groups are the members of the hippie and environmentalist groups (who view the drug as more natural and less commercialized than tobacco), religious groups which include the use of marijuana in their practice (such religions are usually concocted by users purely to promote the drug), and those in favor of free speech (who are either secret users of the drug, or simply wish for all drugs to be legal so as to ensure easier access for themselves). Frequent arguments from these people (as well as counter-arguments) are listed below.

Myth: Marijuana is not a gateway drug, as the term "gateway drug" is nonsensical.
- Fact: The term "gateway drug" is a legitimate term, used by medical advisors to spread more info about the drug to those unaware of its dangers. Additionally, the environment and users of marijuana are actively attempting to spread misinformation about the drug to soften its impact on unsuspecting teenagers, making it even more of a gateway drug than during its use in the 60's.

Myth: Marijuana is not only safer than other illegal drugs, but safer and healthier than alcohol and tobacco.
- Fact: Not only is it a deadly gateway drug (killing over 117% of its users), but it has permanent negative effects on decision-making, perception, and stamina, making it much more of a threat than tobacco and alcohol combined. The laws in place are intended to reinforce these healthy alternatives to such a dangerous and degenerative drug.

A stoner's house. Bought for the price of a real house, the stoner's vivid imagination made him think he had a good deal.

Myth: Marijuana is an integral part of many religions, and is only illegal to suppress these religions.
- Fact: Marijuana, while it is a part of a few minor cults, is condemned as immoral by all legitimate religious authorities. Adherents to religions advocating marijuana use are advised to find healthier alternatives to the drug, or to convert on to a religion that does not advocate such dangerous activities.

Myth: Marijuana is completely non-addictive.
- Fact: Marijuana is not only 1000 times more physically addictive than heroin, but the side effects of the drug often lead to a state of poor decision-making, where a second "joint" seems like a good idea to improve the high from the drug. Due to the long-lasting effects of this mental impairment, it can be said that marijuana gets you hooked from the first use.

Myth: Marijuana helps to improve your sex life.
- Fact: Marijuana doesn't help your sex life at all, neither does it offer any social benefits. Several desperate individuals have turned to marijuana in the hopes of attracting members of the opposite sex, but the only ones who have succeeded are those who are also "high" on marijuana. All one needs to do to dispel any ideas of using marijuana in this way is to ask themselves: "Do you really want to be with someone who accepts -- and indeed encourages -- marijuana use?"

Myth: Marijuana gives its user an uncontrollable hunger, also referred to as the munchies.
- Fact: The smoke from marijuana fills up your stomach so it is impossible for anyone under its influence to eat or even think about eating. What have been refered to as "the munchies" is actually a part of the human brain activated by marijuana which sends a signal to the body to chew its own hands off. Marijuana users often do this, but it is covered up by the media who, themselves, often use the drug.

Myth: Marijuana destroys your short-term memory.
- Fact: It does not. It does however give you insatiable cravings for heroin, crack, and methamphetamine. Or at least kittens

Safe, FDA Approved Alternatives to Marijuana

A "friend" with weed is a criminal who wants to steal your soul.

Cigarettes: Marijuana is, in fact, based on the everyday cigarette, but with many harmful additives thrown in to increase the "high" that has been clinically proven to lead to infanticide. Cigarettes are 100% less lethal than marijuana for all parties involved.
Alcohol: There are few better methods of passing time blissfully than alcohol. To counteract claims by protesters in favor of marijuana, alcohol is made entirely from fermented plants, and is therefore both all-natural and vastly safer than marijuana.
Tylenol: Although overdoses of Tylenol can be fatal, the pain removal it offers is nearly as effective as marijuana, and it offers no addiction, making this an effective choice for people who claim marijuana has medicinal uses, against all evidence that marijuana will kill you and everyone you know.
Machete in the groin: Although this has multiple negative effects and no positive ones, it is still much safer and healthier than marijuana. Scientific studies show that the edges of the machete can stimulate the groin, resulting in a 50/50 chance of either increased sexual prowess or total sterility. The strangest part is that it is always the effect that would be most detrimental to the recipient, furthering evidence of Murphy's Law.
Lava: While ingestion of lava in any form results in instantaneous death every time, it is still 1000% safer than marijuana. Studies have also shown of lava's therapeutic benefits to one's skin and insides, removing ailments such as pores, blackheads, and unnecessary organs.

References

↑ Granny and the Great Smoke-Out

Marijuana

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