Monzo Bank

To nobody in particular: you can take your Glastonbury wristband off now. Thanks.

THINGS THAT HAVE NO RIGHT TO BE AS IMPRESSIVE AS THEY ARE - OFFICE EDITION: - being able to book a meeting room at short notice - making cups of tea that are slightly above average - whenever you call a lift, it comes within 15 seconds - knowing where the brand swag is kept - not asking "can everyone see my screen?" when sharing your screen - using the printer without any issues

Our office managers replaying the VAR footage of me leaving my mug in the sink right next to the wide open dishwasher.

To anyone who came back to work from Glastonbury today, hang in there.

Greg thinks this is an acceptable amount of milk in his cereal. How wrong is he?

THINGS YOU CAN SAY IN THE OFFICE *AND* WHILE PLAYING GLASTONBURY: - Looking at my Greggs lunch: "You want me, I want you baby" (Dua Lipa) - Talking to the office printer: "I will try to fix you" (Coldplay) - Trying to find the share screen button: "Why d'ya have to go and make things so complicated?" (Avril Lavigne) - Using the lift: "Push the button" (Sugababes) - Having to use Microsoft Teams: "If you wonder if I hate you, I do" (SZA) - When Greg comes in with a new haircut: "That don't impress me much" (Shania Twain) - Attending a 9am meeting: "Has it come to this?" (The Streets)

IT’S FRIDAY. Close the 79 tabs you have open, shut your laptop, and go outside for a short walk.

OFFICE RED CARD OFFENCES 🟥 - microwaving fish - sitting in my seat and adjusting my monitor - putting the empty milk back in the fridge - taking your shoes off in the office (flip-flops are an immediate yellow card) - not instantly reacting with the 'crying laughing' emoji to my latest slack message 😂 - trying to start a conversation in the lift - making a cup of tea for yourself without asking your colleagues first - commenting when someone pushes on a pull door - booking a meeting over lunchtime - taking a video call without headphones - not noticing my haircut - leaving your mug on the kitchen counter when the dishwasher is RIGHT THERE

DIARY OF AN... OFFICE PRINTER 🖨️ 8am: I start my day by saying some positive affirmations out loud: BRRR BEEP BEEP SHHH CRRRR 9am: Breakfast - toast with paper jam 10am: Everyone's swearing because I'm out of magenta. I don't like it when they use that tone with me. 11am: My paper tray 2 is empty if you even care. 12pm: Lunch - 6x A4 paper reams 😋 1pm: I’m stuffed (paper stuck in tray) 3pm: Another day, another person getting confused trying to print double-sided again. I'm so misunderstood. 4pm: Eavesdropped on some office gossip. Apparently there's something called a 3D printer?? Not sure how to feel about that 🫤 5pm: Greg wants to print out labels for his Vinted orders. That doesn't sound very work essential, Greg. 6pm: Time to grab some dinner and unplug for the evening. Good night!

How do you know if someone in the office is going to Glastonbury? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.