“Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.”

“Dwight, you ignorant slut!”

“If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Toby, I would shoot Toby twice.”

“Webster’s Dictionary defines wedding as: The fusing of two metals with a hot torch.”

“Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.”

"The worst thing about prison was the Dementors. They were flying all over the place and they were scary and they’d come down and they’d suck the soul out of your body and it hurt!”

“You don’t know me, you’ve just seen my penis.”

“And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.”

“When the son of the deposed king of Nigeria emails you directly, asking for help, you help! His father ran the freaking country! Ok?”

“I have cause. It is beCAUSE I hate him.”

“Saw Inception. Or at least I dreamt I did.”

“I’m an early bird and I’m a night owl. So I’m wise and I have worms.”

“Number 8. Learn how to take off a woman’s bra: You just twist your hand until something breaks.”

“I love my employees even though I hit one of you with my car.”

“You know what they say. ‘Fool me once, strike one, but fool me twice…strike three.”