People would flock to see Long “John” Silver's long toilet aboard his mighty galleon "The floating loo"
He was a peaceful pirate, only traveling the seas to showcase his ship to the locals of the far reaching ports he visited along the way
The people were amazed by the length of his toilet
Some stroked it, while others just admired it for it's other-worldliness, pondering what it truly means to be a pirate of the high seas
Until one day the people of the English port of Port Poncy were angry at Long John for not stopping by for the people to see his toilet
They planned an assault against poor Long John upon his next pass
Trained on years of violent 1800s video games, the people of Port Poncy launched the assault on Long John, boarding his galleon, and having a mighty fight with the crew
The battle would near it's end with Long John cornered in the room of the famous long toilet by the Captain of the assault 'Large Bill Burrows'
Bill burrows, carrying his signature weapon, a large portrait of his mother, proceeded to attack Long John, inflicting grievous wounds upon him, when, miraculously, Long Johns 'John' began to speak
"Big Willy Burrows, why do you attack Long John? He missed your port unintentionally last time and had regretted this ever since, I have been stroked multiple times with the tears of ol' Long John and I can tell you if he could show your people the toilet he would do so with great pleasure!"
Burrows, shocked by this, collapsed in fright and died of shock, Long John, satisfied with the kill, was pleased that he had taken those ventriloquist lessons back in the 50's
Exiting the long toilet room, Long John, after quickly zipping up his pants, walked to the quarter deck, took a deep breath of the sea air and announce
"I wish everyone could understand that when I was a boy, my second grade teacher told me I was beautiful, then she raped me"
All of the Port Poncy attackers, none of Long Johns men remained, stared at Long John and immediately felt obliged to join his crew
Which is why he named everyone in his crew Alice
Because of their truly 'Poncy' behaviour
The moral of the story is
Never trust a talking penis.

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