Recent reviews by Archmage

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Like a heavily medicated 15 year old with a sugar addiction, this game won't stop crashing.

A cautionary tale of what may happen through tyrannical loss of humanity what happens when you don't give a Vietnam veteran their three dollar burger king discount

Geralt carefully kneels down and inspects the crime scene. He dips his fingers in the fetid water, sniffs them, and finally exclaims; "Hmmm, poopy water. This toilet must have been used recently."

Finally, he stands up and the quest line advances. "I should be able to track the person who just poopied their pants." A thick waft of red mist appears in the air when Geralt strains his eyes like that of a white man creating an Asian caricature.

Geralt then walks approximately 250 meters across the streets of a town with low framerates. Some citizens loudly complain as he bumps into them, but Geralt doesn't care. Geralt is knee deep in s**t, figuratively and literally. He knows that this very deep and immersive questline will end in a wacky and unexpected way, which may or may not lead to some person's misfortune.

Finally, he finds it. A monster! This horrifying amalgamation of limbs, a head and a torso, also known as a human, has only used single layer toilet paper - leaving a very considerable amount of fecal matter around the edges of their orifice.

"Oh, please, master witcher! Spare me! Lo and behold, for I am only a cutscene important side character with low in game equipment. You will either kill me in 2 hits if you're on normal difficulty, or kill me in 25 hits while I refuse to do anything useful on death march."

A lightbulb appears in Geralt's mind. He realises that this is the part where he can use speech instead of left clicking incessantly. His options are as follows:

"I will strike you down, beast."
"I will let you go, but only if you give me your currency and wipe properly from here on"
"I will let you go with a warning. Please use double quilt paper from here on out."

Geralt deems the beast as not quite dangerous to society and lets it go, on the condition that he receives a monetary reward for doing so. Witchers only like doing things that involve a financial reward or something.

Fast forward several dozen questlines later, Geralt walks by the same low framerate location a while later. He sees the notorious pooper, burning on a stake for their crimes against humanity, various peasants cheering on. It appears that the player's morality has been fooled yet again.

I personally believe this game would be even better if they made every last object and game mechanic a secret. Everything needs to be hidden and obscured from the player's immediate knowledge. The player should have to travel around the game world for 5 hours to unlock their first wand and then spend 5 more hours figuring out how to enter the main dungeon. This will encourage even more replayability because more people will be encouraged to post their findings on community forums - and you can leave even more obscure objects in the game world that almost nobody will even find.

Experience the power fantasy of 80's action stars who wish they weren't old now

use weapons of mass destruction to troll the libs

There are no "glitches" or "bugs," only game mechanics.

Running over a single civilian spawns heat seeking missiles that ignore your minmaxed 4,000 armor and kill you almost instantly. That is, if they actually detect you when you're standing 3 feet away from them.

game about politely greeting politicians and people who watch big mouth