^_^

play?

+rep lets me int

+rep so hot everyday

++rep
good names

+rep
overkill

+rep

ahhh I"m just here for the AA meeting ahh

+rep

THE GREATEST PERSON TO EVER EXIST. IF I GOT TO CHOOSE THE FATHER I NEVER HAD AS A CHILD, IT WOULD BE THIS POPE. HE BABTISED ME WHEN I WAS 7 AND IT WAS THE GREATEST MOMENT OF MY ENTIRE LIFE. THIS LOVELY AFRICAN-AMERICAN GAVE ME HOPE AND STRENGTH TO CARRY ON. IF I COULD NOMINATE ONE PERSON FOR HOMECOMING KING IT WOULD BE THIS ABSOLUTELY ARMPIT-SWEATYING MAN. YES, YOU HEARD ME CORRECTLY, HE IS THAT SHOCKINGLY HANDSOME THAT HE INSTANTLY MAKES YOUR ARMPITS SOGGY THE MOMENT YOU ENTER HIS VANCINITY. HE ALWAYS SPEAKS OUT AGAINST THE NEGATIVITY IN THE WORLD AND MAKES SURE THAT YOU HAVE A TIP-PULSING JOY OF A TIME. HE IS THE MOST CLEVEREST BEING IVE EVER HAD THE PLEASURE OF HAVING IN MY PERIPHERAL VISION. BECAUSE I DARE NOT LAY MY EYES ON THAT STUNNING POPE FOR FEAR THAT I MAY GRAZE HIS PERFECT FACE.

SO HOW DID THIS POPE BECOME SO PERFECT? WELL, IT STARTED SEVERAL THOUSAND YEARS AGO AND THE BIRTH OF JESUS CHRIST. SEE, THE ORIGINAL THAT WAS DESIGNATED TO BABTISE THE BABY LORD JESUS CHRIST WAS RUNNING LATE. HE WAS STUCK IN TRAFFIC DUE TO A HEAD ON CAMEL CRASH IN THE DESERT. IT WAS A ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ MESS, I TELL YOU. THERE WAS CAMEL BLOOD EVERYWHERE AND, OH GOSH. THEY HAD TO GET THE INSURANCE COMPANIES INVOLVED, I BET.

ANYWAY, OUR MAIN PROTAGONIST HEARD OF THIS NEWS WHILE READING CHECKING HIS FACESCROLL. HE KNEW THE THE LORD JESUS CHRIST WOULD BE BORN SHORTLY AND HE KNEW HE HAD TO TAKE CHARGE AND ENSURE SWEET BABY JESUS WAS DELIVERED AND BABTISED IN TIME.

SO, IN A JIFFY, HE DASHED THROUGH THE DESERT AND A BILLOWING SPEED. A WOMAN WHO WATCHED HIM SPEED THROUGH THE DESERT FROM HER STATIONARY CAMEL (REMEMBER, THERE WAS STILL A TRAFFIC JAM DUE TO THE CAMEL COLLISION) AND SHE STATED TO HER FELLOW FEMALE FRIEND "HEY, HE COULD BE THE FLASH IF HE WASNT BLACK". BUT HER FELLOW FEMALE FRIEND DID NOT GET THE CLEVER REFERENCE, PRIMARILY DUE TO THE FACT THAT THE CHARACTER WOULD NOT BE INVENTED FOR SEVERAL HUNDRED YEARS

FINALLY, WITHIN SECONDS OF MARY BURSTING AT THE THIGHS, OUR HERO ARRIVED AT THE BARN-STABLE-SHACK-THINGY THAT MARY AND JOSEPH HAD BNB"ED LAST MINUTE SINCE THERE HOUSE WAS UNDER CONSTRUCTION (THEY WERE RENNOVATING AND ADDING AN EXTRA ROOM FOR THEIR SOON-TO-BE-BORN CHILD). POPE LAQUISHA DIVED FORWARD AND WITH A MIGHTY ROAR, SHE YANKED THE LORD BABY JESUS OUT OF MARY AND SHOUTED THE FAMOUS WORDS "IVE GOTCHA, BABY!". BUT, TO EVERYONES SHOCK, THE BABY HAD A FACE NO ONE QUITE EXPECTED. THE BABY, SHARED THE SKIN COLOUR AND FACE OF POPE LAQUISHA. BABY JESUS, WITH PUCKERED LIPS, STATED BACK TO OUR HERO "NO. FOR I HAVE GOT YOU, BABY", AND ALL WERE AMAZED.

THEN, BEFORE ANOTHER WORD WAS UTTERED, THREE WISE MEN WANDERED IN ON CAMELS BEARING GIFTS. "SORRY WERE LATE, TRAFFIC WAS HORRENDOUS." ONE OF THEM SAID. ANOTHER ONE OF THEM LOOKED AT POPE LAQUISHA AS SHE HELD BABY JESUS AND STATED. "MY, THAT IS THE FIRST BABY IVE EVER SEEN THAT WASNT ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ UGLY. AND TO TOP IT OFF, ITS BLACK. EXTRAORDINARY." THE SECOND WISE MAN WAS ALSO A RACIST MAN.

NOW, AT THIS POINT, NO ONE HAD A ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ CLUE WHAT WAS GOING ON. BUT, TO CLEAR UP ANY DISCREPANCIES, THE CLOUD PARTED IN THE SKY AND GOD APPEARED. "♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥" MUMBLED THE LAST WISE MAN. "LANGUAGE, YOUNG MAN. TO HELL WITH YOU". THE GROUND PROCEEDED TO OPEN UP AND SWALLOW THE THIRD WISE MAN (AND HIS UNFORTUNATE CAMEL WITH HIM). "HE WAS MY LEAST FAVOURITE OF THE THREE." GODS VOICE BELLOWED.

POPE LAQUISHA LOOKED UP TO GOD WITH BLACK BABY JESUS AND ASKED. "YO, GOD, I GOTTA FEW QUESTION FOR YO ASS. ONE, WHY DIS BABY CRAMPIN" ON MAH STYLE AND POSSESSING MAH LIKENESS? ALSO, DID MARY HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH JOSEPH OR SOMETHIN"? CAUSE NEITHER ONE OF EM LOOK BLACK TA ME." GOD, WITH HIS WISE WORDS, EXPLAINED TO POPE LAQUISHA AND ALL WHO WERE THERE THE FOLLOWING: "FIRST OFF, YES. MARY HAD TO HAVE THE SEXY TIME WITH AN ANGEL TO MAKE BABY JESUS. ALSO, MARY, THAT ANGEL LIED TO YOU. HE WAS NOT CLEAN AND IF I WERE YOU I WOULD DEFINITELY GET YOURSELF CHECKED. AND BY THE WAY, MARY. THAT WAS NON CONSENUAL SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE. TO HELL WITH YOU." THE GROUND OPENED UP AND SWALLOWED MARY.

"NOW, POPE LAQUISHA, YOU ARE MORTAL. YOU WILL NOT LIVE FOREVER AND ONE DAY YOU WILL JOIN US ALL IN HEAVEN... UNLESS YOU DECIDE TO NOT HAVE SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE. OR PAY YOUR TAXES, THATS ONES A ONE-WAY TICKET TO HELL, HONEY. HOWEVER, YOU HAVE DONE SO MANY THINGS IN YOUR LIFETIME AND YOUVE DONE SO MUCH GOOD. PLUS, YOU"RE A ♥♥♥♥♥♥" CHAMPION. THIS HAS NOT GONE UNNOTICED BY US ALL. SO, YOU SHALL BE REBORN AS BABY JESUS. AND WHEN YOU HAVE DONE YOUR TIME ON EARTH AS BABY JESUS, YOU WILL RETURN TO US IN HEAVEN. NOW, LET DO THIS THING."

GOD THEN WHIPPED OUT A 45MM GLOCK AND SHOT POPE LAQUISHA IN THE CHEST. BLOOD WENT EVERYWHERE, INCLUDING ON BABY JESUS. IT WAS ALL OVER THE PLACE. SOME OF IT EVEN GOT IN THE RACIST WISE MANS MOUTH. BUT, POPE LAQUISHA DIDNT DIE, BECAUSE THE GLOCK DOES ♥♥♥♥ ALL DAMAGE AND HAS TERRIBLE ARMOR PENETRATION, SO IT ONLY DID 11 DAMAGE. GOD, WITH A MIGHTY SIGH, DROPPED THE GLOCK, WENT BACK TO THE BUY ZONE AND PURCHASED A REVOLVER.

HE THEN ONE TAPPED POPE LAQUISHA IN THE CHEST. POPE LAQUISHA FELL TO THE GROUND, DROPPING BLACK BABY JESUS. THE BABY WAS NAKED TOO AND IT FLOPPED EVERYWHERE. IT WAS A BIT WIERD IF YOU ASK ME. IT LOOKED STRANGE. SO DID THE REST OF THE BABYS BODY. THEN, WITH A DYING BREATH, POPE LAQUISHA AKSED GOD ONE LAST QUESTION... "HAVE YA GOT ME, BABY?" AND GOD SAID: "I DEFINITELY HAVE GOT YOU, BABY."

POPE LAQUISHA TOOK ONE LAST BREATH THEN HIS EYES CLOSED. IT WAS A SAD TIME. EVERYONE LOOKED DOWN IN RESPECT.

BUT THEN! DUN DUN DUN! POPE LAQUISHA"S BODY WAS ENVELOPED IN LIGHT. IT FORMED AN AURA THAT THEN FLEW INTO THE NAKED BLACK BABY JESUS, STILL ROLLING AROUND ON THE FLOOR, UNATTENDED. NAKED BLACK BABY JESUS WAS ENGULFED IN THIS LIGHT AND THEN FLEW INTO THE AIR AND LANDED ON THE FLOOR FEET FIRST. THE LIGHT FADED AND BLACK BABY JESUS REMAINED, WEARING SUNGLASSES THAT MADE HIM LOOK DOPE AS ♥♥♥♥. "IT IS ME, BLACK BABY JESUS. IM HERE TA SCHOOL YO FOOLS. BUT DA WORLD AINT READY FOR BLACK BABY JESUS YET. SO, UNTIL IM NEEDED, I WILL DISGUISE MYSELF AS WHO I USED TO BE: POPE LAQUISHA."

AND SO, POPE LAQUISHA BECAME BLACK BABY JESUS, EVEN AFTER BLACK BABY JESUS WAS BORN. WHICH MEANS TECHNICALLY WE KILLED A BABY AND REPLACED IT WITH THE MIND OF A 40 YEAR OLD BLACK MAN/WOMAN (POPE LAQUISHA IS GENDER FLUID AT THIS POINT, I HAVENT BOTHED TO STAY CONSISTENT THERE). BUT ALSO, BLACK BABY JESUS IS NOT DISGUISED AS POPE LAQUISHA BUT SINCE HE IS POPE LAQUISHA ITS NOT REALLY A DISGUISE. SO... UH... YEAH. THIS IS REALLY, UNNESSESSARILY COMPLICATED.

AAND SO, POPE LAQUISHA WAS ADOPTED BY JOSEPH (BECAUSE ONE OF HIS PARENTS WAS AN ANGEL IN HEAVEN AND THE OTHER RESIDED IN HELL (BECAUSE MARY WAS SUCKED INTO HELL ABOUT 5 MINUTES AGO (AND THINKING ABOUT IT, ITS KINDA ♥♥♥♥♥♥ THAT NO ONE GAVE A ♥♥♥♥))). AND AFTER ACCEPTING SOME ♥♥♥♥♥♥ GIFTS BOUGHT BY THE TWO WISE LAST MINUTE FROM THE REJECT SHOP, JOSEPH AND BLACK BABY JESUS, WHO WAS NOW POPE LAQUISHA, WENT TO A NEARBY KFC (KENTUCKY FRIED CAMEL) FOR DINNER. AND THAT, IS THE TALE OF WHY POPE LAQUISHA IS A ♥♥♥♥♥♥ CHAMPION WHO IS LITERALLY THE GREATEST PERSON TO EVER EXIST.

NOW, I KNOW THAT THERE ARE SO MANY QUESTIONS LEFT UNANSWERED. WAS POPE LAQUISHA TO BE BABTISED BY HERSELF? DID SHE GET ANY CLOTHES? DID THE WISE MEN GET THERAPY AFTER SEEING THEIR COMRAD SUCKED INTO THE GROUND? THESE QUESTIONS AND MORE WILL BE ANSWERED IN THE NEXT EPISODE ON "THE SUPER COOL, CRAZY, AWESOME TALE OF POPE LAQUISHA!"

So he"s pretty cool aye.