Best holiday simulator that exists! Fact!

The best way to review this, is to describe the first 24-hours in-game, so here goes. (Your experience may differ ever so slightly). I don't think there are obvious spoilers here.

Went on holiday with my son. He wasn't there when I woke up, so must have been doing his own thing. Would have ruined the trip anyway with his nagging and streaming. Whatever, I had a 100 days on holiday! After a hard night on the plane journey, drinking tequila slammers and octuple vodka berry-blasts with the waitress, I woke up to find myself a little disorientated. I'm a cheap-ass motherf***** so I didn't expect to get all the way there anyway. Dazed, confused, hung over, erect and ready to get back on it, I tried to find my fellow party-goers to no avail. The hot piece I was with the night before must have spilt the tomato juice for the bloody-marys in her drunken stumbling - it was everywhere. She was sparko, even my god-like trombone playing wouldn't wake her. Poor thing. Clearly not the kind of weakling I want on my party trip. So, after ransacking everything on the plane and drinking all available alcohol without even attempting to check out my surroundings, as I am about to depart, I trip over an orange oversized bottle opener the drunken wench was using for her bottles of tomato juice - fantastic. This might come in useful.

As I depart to find the rest of my insane crew, I notice not 1, not 2, but 26 suitcases! I know that Loose-Lucy had a few E in her carry case, but where was it? Which one was hers? After a moments pondering, I just decided they were all mine now and used the oversized bottle opener on them. Any drugs I found - mine, all mine. I knew they were hidden well, so without reading the labels I just decided to swallow anything - uppers, downers, ludes, E, stool softeners, laxatives - you name it. The alcohol washes my slew of definitely safe chemicals down my hankering gullet. The beginning of a gastro-intestinal Armageddon was upon us.

With my liver now successfully 14 times the size of a obese bear with a drinking problem (I'm one to talk, right?!), and hardened to the point of supersonic-resistance, what did I need more than anything? That sea breeze, I thought to myself, this headache could do with an hours nap, beach-side, feet up, head down, knee deep in some prime local clundge.

As I wander through the shrubbery I notice a peculiar looking mushroom... Flyagaric, perhaps? Who knows? Are they toxic? Who cares?! Down the hatch they go. I immediately jolt and I force out a grunt and begin to feel weaker. Yikes, I thought to myself, these must be good! Unknown mushrooms are now on the menu! On my travels, I begin to accumulate stones, rocks, sticks, and random plants for absolutely no reason at all. I do need to be carrying at least 50KG moments after a major blackout, after-all. Gotta keep that immune system working!

Ploughing through my endless belch fest of unknown medicine bottles, heroic quantities of alcohol and a myriad of eye-watering mushrooms, I find a beach.. A few dead sharks here and there, a grave, and a boat just offshore.. But nothing out the ordinary. Its getting dark now, so serious face on - I do need to have a w*nk somewhere. I'll just swim to this boat I don't own that possibly has inhabitants on it in shark infested water - seems logical to me!

After I set off on my attempt at paddling in the open ocean (as I am obviously a very competent swimmer, duh), I do hear some people behind me on the shore carrying torches. Great, there are humans here! As I board the boat about to wave at the locals, they depart. Not to worry! I am sure they were just making sure I reached the safety of the boat - what a lovely caring community. As I stumble on to the boat, unable to see anything, I do finally reach a bed. My overindulged a** collapses in a heap and falls asleep - what an embarrassment to the party trip! That's twice now!

As dawn breaks, I quickly realise I did not wake up for the toilet - AGAIN! Why does this keep happening! I pretend to ignore the demonic squelch from beyond the belt, and roll out into the main living area on the boat - ready to apologise profusely if the owner was here. After a quick glance at the table.. YUCK! I thought, what the HELL is that? This milk is years old! For no reason at all I'll take the irrelevant photo from years ago off it and pocket that. I'll just go a-HEAD and pocket all of the money lying around to. These magazine? I don't even like boats... I'll nick them too. Personal belongings are not out of bounds, my friend. On the contrary, they are inside my bounds. Come and fight me for them, Floppy-Phil.

As I step outside into the glorious sunshine, I avert my gaze to the front of the boat and I notice some rope. I know that Crying-Karen is mad into bondage, so that's coming with me. Cant wait to tap that and get twisted outta shape. Adios, boat, you were a fun to pilfer into oblivion.

That's about the first 24 hours in this wonderful holiday resort simulator. Some more sights to see on your holiday are:

* A boat.
* A cave.
* A hole (not Karens).
* A stream.
* A tree.
* A bush.
* A berry.
* A stick.
* A turtle.
* A boar.
* A bird.
* Drugs. Lots of them.
* Sprinklers.
* Another plane.

It is worth buying. 10/10 from my brief sample of the game.

Thanks for reading.