https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B_XdA6qbmKI&index=244&list=PL4dJc-VHwwBX5x0loI4H9lenKpCxMBJ2k

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels. Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the “loser,” and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior. I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theater of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment. When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A., along with a 3×5 card reading, “Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.” This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this “grant money.” I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion. There can be only one.

A NEW PAW TOUCHES THE BEACON!
LISTEN! HEAR ME AND OBEY. A FOUL CRINGE HAS SEEPED INTO MY TEMPLE. HEAD TO MY TEMPLE ON MOUNT KILCHEEM AND I SHALL MAKE YOU AN INSTRUMENT OF MY CLEAMSING LIGHMT!

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WE TRUE SCHLOMOS
WE JEW TOGETHER
WE GET HOLOCAUSTED TOGETHER
Send this SHEKEL to everyone you care about including me if you care. C how many times you get this, if you get 6,000,000 your A TRUE SCHLOMO