I’m pretty sure I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve just fucked any chance of getting happy because I was seriously depressed and didn’t give a shit about any consequences. I didn’t want to, in fact during that time I wouldn’t hVe cared if something terrible happened to me or if I would have died from my actions. I didn’t process feeling because I had been hooked on a guy for the past 6 years that I never learned to be an individual.
But now that I’ve gotten to the point where I might actually have found who I want to be and someone who loves me for exactly that. It might already be too late. I could have a permanent thing a permanent condition because of the time that I just couldn’t make safe sane decisions. No one noticed, no one stopped me. Everyone was so happy I was finally out of my shit relationship they didn’t notice I was participating in self destructive behavior. And now because of that I keep falling back into depression because I’m scared I’ve completely fucked myself, I’m terrified that the minute I go get results and tell my boyfriend that this first beacon of hope is just going to disappear. I want to give up, I want to be able to just find a way to quietly end my life and step out if the playing field. I didn’t sign up for this and I don’t know if I can handle it. Ill probably be ok. But right now I can’t get out of bed because I’m convinced I’ll hurt myself.