book-notes

Adversaries into Allies: Win People Over Without Manipulation or Coercion

by Bob Burg

Section 1: The Five Principles of Ultimate Influence

Ultimate Influence encompasses not only the ability to move someone to action but the manner in which you move them.
Moving a person by force is not sustainable: Once the person loses his positional authority, his ability to force others to action is gone.
All actions we as human beings take are based on self-interest, based on our personal value system.
All things being equal, people do business with, refer business to, and allow themselves to be influenced by those people they know, like, and trust.
To elicit like and trust, give someone else a personal benefit for taking action.

Chapter 1: The Five Principles

Only when we are in control of our emotions are we able to act out of thought, out of consciousness, and create a winning situation for everyone.
Feelings are self-justifying, with a set of perceptions and proofs all their own; this is when we rationalize.
Each of us sees the world in a unique way based on upbringing, environment, schooling, popular media, and the people with whom we associate.
Such different belief systems leads to non-understanding, which in turn leads to misunderstanding.
The ego is nothing more than one’s sense of self. It is the driving force in everything people do, and it is highly sensitive.
Being able to move a person to your side of an issue comes down to how you make him feel about himself.
A frame is the premise or context from which everything else in your interpersonal transactions takes place.
Set the frame in every interpersonal conflict; otherwise you allow the other person to, and it won’t serve you well.
Tact is the ability to say something in a way that makes the other person feel less threatened or defensive and more open to your ideas.
Empathy is related to tact but can be defined as the ability to identify with another person’s feelings.

Chapter 2: It’s (Much) More Than Just About Being Nice

People take advantage of you not because you are nice, but because you allow yourself to be taken advantage of.

Chapter 3: Persuasion Versus Manipulation

There is perhaps nothing more dangerous than a bad person with good people skills.
Manipulation aims at control, not cooperation. Persuasion enhances the self-esteem of the other party, leading to better responses.
A manipulator uses knowledge to only his advantage, while a persuader uses it to the other person’s advantage as well.
A manipulator will play on your negative emotions in order to elicit your compliance, which a persuader will never do.
Often people resort to manipulation because they don’t know how to effective persuade; their tactics are what’s negative, not their intent.
The Ultimate Influencer always asks “Am I doing something that will hurt this person or be contrary to their best interests?”
If you are sure that your point of view will benefit them, it is your responsibility to persuade them about this, not to manipulate them.

Section 2: Control Your Own Emotions

If you choose to control your emotions, or to respond instead of react, you can influence almost every interaction for the better.
In a frustrating challenge, your emotions are the only part of the situation that is in your power to control.

Chapter 4: Responding Versus Reacting

Self-control of your emotions is important and powerful not only in what it allows you to do but who it allows you to be.
When you react, you are being controlled by outside circumstances. When you respond, you are in control of yourself, of your emotions.

Chapter 5: Effectively Handle Verbal Attacks

Listen and remain calm. Then say “I… might possibly owe you an apology. Did I say or do something to offend you?”
If he or she is simply having a bad day, say “I understand. I’ve had those myself. Is there anything I can do to help?”
If your discussion turns less than cordial, the key to being heard is to actually lower your voice.

Chapter 6: Make Calm Your Default Setting

Your default setting to pressure situations is directly proportional to your ability to problem solve, to live in the solution, and to lead.
To make this change, vividly imagine the next time a potentially upsetting situation occurs, you become calm. Then follow through.
The ability to remain calm when others aren’t is another separator that creates influence and allows us to gently persuade.
Understand the default setting of others. Realize you can’t change them; instead, work within that context.
The more you help them operate their default settings successfully, the better you can lead, persuade, and influence successfully.

Chapter 7: Overcome Your Anger

Anger is a turnoff to people. You might be able to obtain compliance through displays of anger, but never commitment.
You can’t effectively influence someone against whom you hold a grudge. And the negative energy you emit to everyone will make you less attractive, and diminish your influence.
Focus on gratitude for all the good in your life. The more in tune you are with gratitude, the less you’ll feel the need to be angry.

Chapter 8: The Persuasive Power of Positive Detachment

When detached from an outcome in a positive way, you’ll be less bothered if you don’t get what you want, but chances are better that you will get what you want.
Without the attachment you are able to focus more clearly on your goal without the distraction of fear, which always accompanies attachment.
Do your very best; then, regardless of the result, you can have peace of mind knowing you gave it your wall.

Chapter 9: Think Before You Speak

It’s best to handle conflict before it ever takes root; the next best thing you can do is stop it before it escalates.
Instead of exploding at someone via email, simply write it without sending it, wait before sending, or enlist help to critique and edit.

Chapter 10: Agree to Disagree

Agree to disagree with someone when any further discussion cannot possibly help your relationship, but might just hurt it.
Honor a person’s right to believe a certain way without agreeing with it; this leaves that person much more open to your other ideas when you speak again.

Chapter 11: Consider the Source

First, determine whether a criticism is worth taking seriously, given the source. Regardless of the source, do not take it personally.

Section 3: Understand the Clash of Belief Systems

A belief system is how we see the world. Truth is objective fact, and belief systems color that truth, providing a unique interpretation of it.
The trouble is when we fail to notice our belief systems at work and operate in accordance with our beliefs, even harmful ones.
Without understanding that everyone operates out of their own paradigm and worldview, we are stuck on the same level of misunderstanding and miscommunication as everyone else.

Chapter 12: Belief Systems – the Problem and the Solution

Beliefs are extremely difficult to change because they operate primarily on an unconscious level.
We view things not as they are, but as we are. We believe in truths, and we will unconsciously steer our way to our truths, according to our beliefs.
In conflict, ask yourself: How is my or his belief system distorting the truth? What questions can I ask him to clarify his belief system? What information can I give to clarify my belief system?

Chapter 13: “How Would You Define…?”

When parties involved are defining a word differently, they may not even know what they are disagreeing about.
Look out for words that are subjective, like “soon,” “often,” “later,” “nearby,” and “long” and ask for clarification.

Chapter 14: Accept the Responsibility for Communication

When it comes to effective communication, the onus is on us to be sure that the other person understands our point, want, or need.
Because we come from different belief systems, the chances of someone knowing what we want without us clarifying are very slim.
Avoid giving or accepting mixed messages, such as saying contradictory things, or contradictory body language.

Chapter 15: The Importance of Conscious Awareness

When you disagree or feel offended by someone, ask if your feelings are being filtered through your paradigm, or if you’re making a decision about that person based on limited information.
When you are consciously aware, you can think and act out of strength and choice instead of unconsciously accepted programming.

Chapter 16: Persona or Not? How Do You Know?

Give people the benefit of the doubt; judging favorably hurts no one, helps everyone, and simply makes a lot more sense.
Much of what we take personally isn’t personal, but the result of transferring our belief system onto others.
Use an “I message” to determine if something was personal: “I felt hurt… I took it personally… For my own clarification, I’d like to ask you about it.”

Chapter 17: Love Languages From Liberty the Cat

We receive love as words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.
Determine your love language as well as the other person’s, and be sure to stay conscious of both.

Chapter 18: First, Know the Issue. Then, Choose the Words

Understanding the other person’s belief system, or underlying cause of their position, is critical to choosing the most persuasive words.
Discover why someone feels a certain way, and then prepare your presentation in a way that honors them, their egos, and their intent.
By acknowledging their intent, that frame continues to place you all on the same side, all wishing for the same effect.

Chapter 19: The Answer? Based on What Information?

We provide advice or opinions that would serve us based on our values and our beliefs, and fill in any blanks needed to reinforce our story.
Do not provide advice or opinions if you do not have enough information to go on.

Chapter 20: Perceptual Realities Equal Different Conclusions

We absolutely must see the reality based on their perception if we are going to obtain buy-in to our suggestions and ideas.

Section 4: Acknowledge Their Ego

We’re taught to ignore or obliterate the ego, but it motivates the good in our lives.
Trouble happens when the part with unhealthy desires controls us, causing trouble and wreaking havoc in our affairs.

Chapter 22: Don’t Shame or Embarrass

If you want any chance of positively influencing a person, shaming them will totally sabotage it.
Delivering your point in a way that leaves the other person’s ego intact via tact, empathy, and kindness, earns their respect.
Don’t correct another person publicly just to make your point. A huge part of influence is that the person likes you and trusts you.
If you have to insult someone to be funny, it probably best not to be funny. But self-deprecating humor is always disarming.

Chapter 23: Be a Judge, Not a Lawyer

In a disagreement, see the situation from your side and theirs. Focus especially on theirs since you are predisposed to see your side.

Chapter 24: The Principle of Agreement

When someone says something you know is wrong, agree to disarm the person. Then transition into methods of persuasion.
Then follow with “I’m wondering if…” or “Here’s what I’m thinking” and make your suggestion. But don’t use the word “but.”
As the person is abiding, provide an out phrase, such as “If you can’t do it, I’ll definitely understand.”

Chapter 25: Ego Repair

When someone acts negative toward you, the reason why may not be the reason they give you. Dig for the real reason.
Thanking someone in advance for what you want them to do can persuade them to do exactly what you thanked them for.

Chapter 26: The Power of Handwritten Notes

In many situations, nothing makes an impact like a handwritten note of appreciation.
With the advent of technology, those who write them stand out and are positioned more powerfully than those who don’t.
If you want to take an extra step that’s even more powerful, type a note to his or her boss.

Chapter 27: Education – A Powerful Key to Influence

Edify people, or build them up in the minds of others and their own minds, even for the things you wish they would do.
People will believe their own press and start adopting the traits and behaviors for which they’re being praised.

Chapter 28: Do You Look For Disagreement?

Pointing out the one contrarian example in an otherwise sound and principle-based statement comes across as argumentative and ego-based.
If you must disagree, think about it first, look first for where you agree, use tact, and finally reconsider whether this is necessary.
Ask if you are motivated by a genuine desire to add value, or if you’re disagreeing to get attention, begin an argument, or feel better about yourself.

Chapter 29: Compliment the Uncomplimented

Complimenting something who is usually not complimented has a tremendous impact on how far that person will go out of their way to help you.
Those who might be deciding whether to do business with you or become more involved with you socially are watching how you treat others.

Chapter 30: Caught In the Act… Of Doing Something Right

When you catch someone in the act of doing something right, acknowledge it verbally, and make sure everyone else sees and hears you do it.
Whether positive or negative, behavior that gets rewarded gets repeated.

Chapter 31: “I Appreciate Ya”

Instead of just saying thank you to someone, say “I appreciate you” to separate you from everyone else.

Section 5: Setting the Frame

Setting the frame is when we can influence another’s response by controlling the stimulus, our action.
In any interpersonal interaction, a frame will be set. Ensure that it is you, not the other person, who sets it.
If the other person has entered the transaction setting a frame, reset their frame simply by setting your own.

Chapter 32: Positive Expectation Works, But Not Why You Think It Does

By expecting someone to be helpful, you take on a corresponding attitude, which in turn changes his or her attitude.
If you display gratitude and appreciation for their kindness, they are going to respond by living up to those feelings.
There may be nothing more powerful in beginning a relationship, conversation, or overcoming an interpersonal challenge than a smile.
Smiles are the most contagious emotional signal of all, having an almost irresistible power to make other people smile in return.

Chapter 33: Framing Your Influence in Your First Conversation

Focus on the other person. Show interest in them and make them feel good about themselves; they will like you and begin to trust you.
Two Feel-Good Questions are how they got started in their line of business, and what they enjoy most about what they do.
Ask how to know if someone you’re speaking with is someone they’d like to meet. You communicate value.

Chapter 34: Sometimes, It’s Good to Let ‘Em See You Sweat

While a slick person may overwhelm and dazzle, they typically are not as relatable as the “real” person.
During those times when, for whatever reason, you feel overwhelmed, under-confident, or scared, just admit it, and win.

Chapter 35: The Ransburger Pivot

Always begin with a point on which you both agree; this shows that you both want the same result, but have different views on how to get there.
With the Ransburger Pivot, you pivot from a point you both agree on, and so it’s easier for the other person to accept your new conclusion.
Begin with “Like you, I want…” Add a lead-in phrase “I appreciate your thoughts” or “I agree with…”

Chapter 36: The Value of the Correct Phrase

When attempting to express value to another person, people don’t care how it affects you, but care how it affects them.

Chapter 37: “What Can I Do to Help?”

Control your emotions, present a calm, self-controlled front, and set or reset the frame by asking “What can I do to help?”

Chapter 38: Win By Making the Other’s Case First

To positively disarm and win over someone with whom you’re having a disagreement, first point out their side of the story.
This communicates that you are not someone who is out to get them, prove them wrong, or win at all costs.
When we are truly desirous of the truth and not just winning an argument, people understand our intent and accept our position quicker.

Chapter 39: Help Them to Live In the Solution

If someone is solution-resistant, acknowledge the problem instead of ignoring it, but relentlessly focus on the solution.

Chapter 40: Avoid Negative Framing

Think of words or phrases you’ve used or heard in the past that seem to upset or annoy people, and erase them from your vocabulary.

Chapter 41: Don’t Fall Victim to Either/Or

The alternate of choice is an effective way of framing a choice for a prospect, making the options easier to grasp.
When given a choice between only two things, slow down and ask if there is another choice that works better for you, or if you would prefer neither.

Chapter 42: Persuasion Secrets of a Ten-Year-Old

Give the person something admirable to live up to. If there is a problem, find the solution. Also answer any objections.

Chapter 43: Change Your Frame, Change Your Life

An outcome can occur only in relation to the context, or the frame, in which it’s set.
By resetting our own frame, we can choose to interpret an event so that it is conducive to our happiness rather than to our misery.
Reframe a challenging encounter as an opportunity to practice patience, responding instead of reacting, or influence.
Also reframe so that you feel fortunate that you don’t have the same problems or feeling of unhappiness as the other person.

Section 6: Communicate with Tact and Empathy

With tact, you can make a point and allow the other person to feel good, making them more open to embracing your message.
With empathy, you can understand his feelings enough to know why you need to tell him this.
Having and communicating with empathy is what really makes you more likely to communicate with tact.

Chapter 44: Tact, the Language of Strength

We want someone to not only accept our suggestion without becoming defensive, but to truly embrace it and correct their actions.
Control your emotions so that you think before you speak, and choose words that honor the other person’s belief system and ego.
When you begin with the right intent, the right words will generally follow. Empathy often determines the attitude.

Chapter 45: The Beauty of Empathy

Understanding how they feel is not enough. You must communicate that you understand how the other person feels.
If you cannot feel what the other person feels, say you understand that they are feeling something. Let them feel heard.
Sympathy is about your feelings, while empathy is about theirs; the latter provides more value and is more productive.

Chapter 46: Lead-in Phrases Lead the Way

A lead-in phrase softens or buffers the potential sting of your advice and makes it more acceptable and easier to embrace.
The best lead-in phrase is “You know more about this than I do. I’m wondering if…”
Such phrases not only open their minds, but open ours, causing us to ask ourselves if we are in fact correct.

Chapter 47: Deflection Via the Parry

Fighting back against an insult won’t make it or the insulter disappear; it instead only provides fodder for conflict.
Instead, first acknowledge the source positively, saying you have great respect for them. Stay above their level.
Also acknowledge the critique. A good parry is to simply say “That’s a good question” or “You make a valid point.”
Deflection keeps things impersonal and allows for positive detachment, so that your answer can best serve everyone.

Chapter 48: Kind Words Regarding Your Competitors

By complimenting your competitor, it builds up yourself in the mind of your prospect.
It shows you are confident, are successful, and that you will never say anything bad about your prospect or their staff.
But if your competitor is a thief, don’t lie and speak well of them; instead say nothing at all.

Chapter 49: Tact Does Not Equal Compromise

While it’s fine to compromise or negotiate on things, it’s not okay to cave on our principles or beliefs.
When you maintain your tact and kindness, the other person will lower their defensive shield. At that point change can occur.

Chapter 50: Give Them a Back Door

When faced with potential conflict, people feel pressured to respond or behave in a certain way, creating an adversarial frame.
Give the person an emotional escape route, removing any pressure they might feel, because now they know they have a choice.
Your goal is to make them feel comfortable enough not to feel the need to take it. But if they do, they would have anyway.
Let it be their decision and they will feel good about it because it was their decision, not yours.

Chapter 51: How to Say No Graciously and Effectively

You can say no. Say it with kindness and gratitude and with absolutely no defensiveness.
Do not make an excuse for saying no; the other person cannot attempt to answer your objection in order to persuade you.
Saying no when you should say no allows you to say yes more often when you should say yes, and to say yes more effectively.

Chapter 52: Don’t Tread on Me

When dealing with disrespectful people, stay polite and honest, say no with politeness and tact, and stay alert.
To respond with a request or call for inappropriate action you might say, “I’m not comfortable with…”

Chapter 53: Turning Down an Offer, While Leaving Room for Another

The ego elicits emotional decisions and, when insulted, people will make decisions not in their best interest.
Thank the other person for their offer, list your reasons for turning it down using an “I message,” and then thank them again.
If the other person says nothing, ask “What can you offer that would help me justify the decision to buy?”

Chapter 54: Dealing With an Interrupter

Tell the interrupter it doesn’t do anyone any good if he interrupts you while you’re trying to ask the question that he asked.
Alternatively, without any sign of emotion, continue with your original thought. Do this repeatedly to send a message.
Finally, ask if the other person is genuinely interested in your thoughts, and express your need to feel like you can express your point.
If you catch yourself interrupting, then apologize. Overcome interrupting and people will credit you as a great listener.

Chapter 55: The Ben Franklin Method for Winning People Over

Sometimes having someone do something kind for you can mend a relationship, just as if you had done something kind for him.

Chapter 56: Dr. Franklin and Another Great Lesson in Communication

Anything be communicated more persuasively by not coming across as a dogmatic know-it-all, but with humility and respect for others’ feelings and opinions.
Use lead-in phrases like “It appears to me…”, “I imagine it’s…”, or “If I’m not mistaken…”
“The fact of the matter is…” usually doesn’t lead into a fact, and you’re encouraging resistance and not acceptance.

Chapter 57: Timing Rules!

If the timing is bad but the conversation must take place now, acknowledge the bad timing and convey that the situation is critical.
When taking part in an important conversation, be sure that all parties have the time and willingness to participate.
Create agreement for sufficient time by asking for it.
If the other party insists on keeping it short, ask but use an “I message” so that you take responsibility for finding more time.

Chapter 58: Making People Comfortable With You

Reintroduce yourself to someone you’ve recently met, whenever you see them, until you’re certain that they know your name.
You’ll never offend a person by showing them the courtesy of making life easier for them.

Chapter 59: Collecting Money Owed You In a Winning Way

Be tactful and compliment their values and integrity, show gratitude for their patronage, and say it would mean “a lot” if they paid.
Add if there is a problem that you are not aware of, you’d appreciate letting you know so that you can discuss.
Do not come across as demanding, but do not come across as weak.

Chapter 60: The Pleasure of “My Pleasure”

“My pleasure” says it was a pleasure to help you, and that I will be happy to do so again anytime.
“No problem” implies it was sort of a hassle to help you, but I did it anyway.

Chapter 61: Deliver the Right Message for Your Audience

Pay attention to the often poor communication you experience and asking yourself how to make it more acceptable and persuasive.

Chapter 62: Seeking Forgiveness

If someone is so angry that he ignores you, have an intermediary, whom you both trust, try to intercede.
Otherwise, let her know that you understand that he is still angry and not yet ready to speak, but when she is, you will be there for her.
When mistakes happen, apologize with no excuses.

Chapter 63: “Acknoweldge Me!”

When someone voices a complaint, let them know that we understand that they are upset.
Display empathy in such a way that says, “You matter.”

Chapter 64: Just Listen

Sometimes, by just listening, people feel heard and the problem dissolves; other times, they simply solve it themselves.

Chapter 65: Remember to Scratch the Hogs

If a person says no, don’t try to persuade. They will feel relaxed instead of pressured, and in turn trust and like you.
People tend to intuitively trust those who are like them; relate-ability is accomplished most easily by finding similarities.

Chapter 66: The Pre-Apology Approach

Empathize; it’s always easier to get what you want or need by first helping the other person feel better about themselves.
Look and listen for what someone is feeling, even if they’re unaware they’re communicating it, and acknowledge it.

Chapter 67: Influencing in Style: A Reader Success Story

Set a positive frame and compliment; then reject an offer while making it impersonal, and give the other person an out.

Section 7: The Character of Ultimate Influencers

Chapter 68: Stand Firm on Principle

Do not change your principles. Be consistent and predictable and make your character understandable.

Chapter 70: Focus on Your Strengths but Don’t Ignore Your Weaknesses

Group weaknesses into those that don’t matter, those that matter and need to be mitigated, and those that matter and need to be turned into a strength.

Chapter 71: Ignore Problems at Your Peril

Do not ignore or hide from problems. Acknowledge the problem, and then live in the solution.

Chapter 72: Why Top Influencers Build Strong Teams

True leaders not only accept having smarter and more knowledgeable people on their team, they seek them out.
On the other hand, positional leaders tend to derive their self-esteem from their status.

Chapter 73: Consistency: A Prime Ingredient of Trust

Consistency removes uncertainty and leads to trust, and trust in turn leads to influence.
How you do anything is how you do everything; or, consistency of effort is paramount.

Chapter 74: Growing from Your Mistakes

Being able to admit you are wrong is not only a first sign of maturity but perhaps the foundation for any type of growth and effectiveness.

Chapter 75: Self-Correction: When Your Replay Shows You Fumbled

There is no natural dichotomy on being principle based and admitting one is wrong, nor staying in principle based while adjusting your strategy.
Focusing on self-correction helps you understand yourself better and be more prepared to notice when you’ve messed up.
Aside from acknowledging the mistakes, recognize and celebrate your victories as well.

Chapter 76: Want to Be an Ultimate Influencer? Say Little and Do Much

Establish a reputation for saying little, always coming through on your promises, and then over-delivering on them.